Friend is the OM

[gansome]

Wow Tara, that must have been tough! Practical decisions seem to be tougher than the emotional ones.

 

I did put my foot down yesterday and said it HAS to be shared custody, I'm not ever going to budge, unless she takes the court road and now from her shattered mental state and the loss of most of her close friends (who are all with me) I don't think she'd risk losing any more. She is now alone. All of our couple friends are not calling her, they are calling me. She basically has one 'nodding dog' friend who will just agree with what she says.

 

I've read...'Shared custody means your Children Have Two Homes, two stable bases where they can feel secure. Above all, it means they continue to have a real family life with both parents, which makes them feel more loved, and research determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children.

 

Whereas my wife seems to think that's unstable. I'm not going to be forced into something I don't want to do.

[gansome]

I'm off work still, come down to Dads house with the dog, he rents a cottage on a large estate, lots of land, so lots of walking.

 

Then I'm off to one of 'our' joint friends house tomorrow. It's actually my wifes oldest and best friend, who invited me down. My wife is furious I'm going as they never asked her.

[gansome]

She's being nice to me this afternoon, asked me around for dinner on Sunday as the kids asked her. I said 'I don't know'......

 

It's hitting home what crap she has done, I can feel it. Her friends have bolted, they support me not her.

 

It will soon feel like the pressure will be on me to try and forgive which is totally impossible right now and do I really want to?

 

Lets sort out the kids, have some space and play the life game BUT I will never be treated like I have been ever again.

 

I took legal advice this morning, it's all positive to be honest. Shared access all the way.

[gansome]

She's backed down with making her new home 'the kids main home'....

 

Instead she has agreed with total shared access like I asked. They shall stay half the week with me on rotation :-)

 

It's a healthy start and a great step for the kids, happier today knowing that they wont be in the realms of this difficult situation.

 

Now I'm off to buy fish and chips, my FIRST meal in 5 days.

[gansome]

Looks as if we've agreed on shared access. Confirmed this evening. Happy.

 

Looking forward to some sleep tonight, staying at my Dads so might not, bit creaky in his house.

 

Seeing our joint friends tomorrow on my own, that's going to feel strange, need a plan of action of what I do and don't discuss.....we'll probably be drinking so I'm sure it'll all come out anyway....wish me luck!

 

Have a great weekend and keep smiling.

[Skalabanan]

You've dealt with this so well, it might not seem like it but your going to come out of all of this such a stronger person for it.

 

Fair play to you because I wouldn't of coped anywhere near as good.

[gansome]

Thanks Skalabanan - and trust me, it's hard, VERY hard but what can I do?

 

Sitting here now with a glass of wine in an empty house, my kids are with my wife. This is the tough part.

 

I've been invited around for dinner tomorrow afternoon ('for the kids') so I'm keeping myself occupied with baking stuff (I'm a keen cook), making multicoloured macarons and chocolate brownies.

 

Then I intend to disturb my neighbours with playing very loud music until I fall asleep on the sofa with the bottle of red.

 

Keep smiling.

[gansome]

also......to throw more crap into the mix I found out about some information about my Dad, who is actually one of my best friends and somebody I looked up to even though he had an affair with my Mums best friend when I was 17.

 

This I thought was his only bad deed.

 

My Mum dropped a bombshell yesterday whilst we talking about how I was and I said I knew how she felt now all that time ago, she said SOMETHING which made me ask a question, he had done it at least 3 times previous, one with a person who I knew very well, my Mum says she would never tell me and she broke down on the phone.

 

Apparently my Dad negotiated with my Mum when they divorced 7 years ago that she would never disclose all of his affairs. What hit me VERY hard and what has knocked me back is that my Dads first affair was when I was 4, his second was THE DAY my little brother was born!! WTF!!! WHAT!?!?!? and there were more.

 

I adored my Dad we get on VERY well and I've always favoured my Dads and maybe have even neglected my Mum, I feel like my world is collapsing around me. My poor Mum :-( Lets make it worse shall we.........MY WIFE KNEW and was sworn to secrecy.

 

The 2 people in the whole world I trusted and they both betray me.

 

I'm at a total loss. Who is there for me now? :-(

[gansome]

do you know what Skalabanan.....

 

I think you're right. Hugely contradictory maybe because of all the emotion, I'm still VERY emotional (occasional complete meltdowns in the corner of a room) but I actually feel stronger, inside.

[TaraMaiden]

also......to throw more crap into the mix I found out about some information about my Dad, who is actually one of my best friends and somebody I looked up to even though he had an affair with my Mums best friend when I was 17.

 

This I thought was his only bad deed.

 

My Mum dropped a bombshell yesterday whilst we talking about how I was and I said I knew how she felt now all that time ago, she said SOMETHING which made me ask a question, he had done it at least 3 times previous, one with a person who I knew very well, my Mum says she would never tell me and she broke down on the phone.

 

Apparently my Dad negotiated with my Mum when they divorced 7 years ago that she would never disclose all of his affairs. What hit me VERY hard and what has knocked me back is that my Dads first affair was when I was 4, his second was THE DAY my little brother was born!! WTF!!! WHAT!?!?!? and there were more.

 

I adored my Dad we get on VERY well and I've always favoured my Dads and maybe have even neglected my Mum, I feel like my world is collapsing around me. My poor Mum :-( Lets make it worse shall we.........MY WIFE KNEW and was sworn to secrecy.

 

The 2 people in the whole world I trusted and they both betray me.

 

I'm at a total loss. Who is there for me now? :-(

 

Don't make your father's betrayal of your mother, your personal issue.

 

That, on the whole, is between them.

Your mother is the injured party here.

 

Your father didn't 'betray' you.

He withheld information for purposes best known to him - doubtless with the protective double intention towards himself, and you.

 

Your mother probably needed to share and off-load this secret, and needed a woman to talk to.

Your wife - as her DiL - seemed the perfect candidate.

 

But she was sworn to secrecy.

And she respected your mother's wishes.

 

What I'm saying, in a long-winded way, is don't add to your own emotional burden by taking all this personally, and making it your 'load to bear'.

[gansome]

You're very right Tara - Thanks for putting that into perspective. Appreciated.

[Darren Steez]

You're putting too much emphasis on the idea of the possible effects of your own behavior. Meanwhile, she's not putting any emphasis on thoughts of her own behavior. Do you see the disparity here?

 

You need to ease up on yourself. Be sad, be (internally) mad.

But yes, give her space. If not for her, then for you.

 

This

 

Also you need to stop worrying about pushing her away, SHE CHEATED ON YOU!!

 

If she's so heartbroken then she should be the one doing all the heavy lifting, the question is how much does she really want.

 

You most likely havent heard the full truth about the extent of their relationship. She moved out to be with him and they only kissed? What is a dealbreaker for you?

[gansome]

hmmm....well Darren....as usual I take on all points.

 

She was moving out anyway with or without OM, it was emotional, she's always been like that I know her VERY well indeed. We had been here a few times before, this time though somebody paid her some attention she wasn't getting from me. Yes, I admit it things were tough, bad in fact. I'm not perfect and neither is she. We neglected each other.

 

I am still furious, anxious sick to the stomach.

 

I've just arrived back from hers (first time in her house), been there for 9 hours with her and the kids for chats, fun with kids and dinner. Despite me acting normal, it really was the toughest time, mind running wild. I held it together for the kids and me and wife got on well.

 

Finished off with the kids put to bed a bottle of wine (which she bought in) and a cuddle which she instigated. I think she wanted more BUT I held strong, cuddled and left. Takes me less that 5mins to go home.

 

She text me right away 'it was nice to have you today'.........

 

I know she's hurting, she's guilty and upset. I'm going to let her be like that for a while until I see that's she making some kind of an effort to 1. Understand the pain she's inflected on me 2. To see if her attitude changes towards me.

 

I know I'm basically a free man and actually could do what I wanted. Let me get past this stage and I will see what I want. I feel am in control right now.

 

I still don't know in my mind if I can get through this betrayal, sometimes I think I can, other times I think no ****ing way.

 

Need to just take every day as it comes, no running to her and take on some of the feedback on her about not worrying about pushing her away. She knows I'm a good guy, everybody tells her! Wrong place, wrong time.

[TaraMaiden]

She text me right away 'it was nice to have you today'.........

 

Be very cautious about texts of this kind.

She's trying to get on your 'good' side and is acting like you've turned form a husband into a freind.

She thinks that simply because everything went well, you're coming round to being a bit softer.

 

You need to tell her that everything went really well today because you made sure it would, for the kids.

Add,

"Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that simply because I'm really good to have around, that anything has changed.

Nothing has changed.

Everything I do now, will be to make sure the children are happy and settled. It's all for them. Remember that."

 

She needs to understand that complacency isn't an option, and that you are still in the same mind-set.