Is it socially unacceptable to tell your friends that you were raped?

[Seductive]

Let's say you're out at lunch with your close girlfriend. She starts talking about your most recent ex S, and how he's a jerk. You then say "He was nicer than my previous boyfriend R." She says, "Really? How can one be more mean than that?" I'm thinking in my head, "Um, R raped me. S at least understood consensual and pleasurable sex, so that made S better."

 

I'm comfortable with speaking about my own past abuse, because it's a topic that I'm passionate about. But, I also don't want to make my friends feel awkward. Plus, it may come back to you if the friendship ruins.

 

Should I just keep quiet or is it okay to explain what my ex R did? I just left it saying "Oh, R was just a really mean chauvinistic type." She kept asking how he was mean, but I wasn't sure whether it was appropriate to start saying all of the sexually abusive things he did.

[TaraMaiden]

Start off your reply with:

 

"Look, I'm completely comfortable talking about this, because I've come to terms with it, it's in the past, but I want to speak about it, because it may serve as a wrning to other girls....

 

The reason R was a jerk, is because actually, he had sex with me when I amde it clear I wasn't willing. He raped me. "

 

Then stop, and await the reaction.

 

Take it from there.

 

But be prepared for questions, such as,

 

"Did you report it?

How did it feel?

Where is he now?

Does anyone else know?

What did you do about it?

Does his current GF know?"

[BetheButterfly]

Let's say you're out at lunch with your close girlfriend. She starts talking about your most recent ex S, and how he's a jerk. You then say "He was nicer than my previous boyfriend R." She says, "Really? How can one be more mean than that?" I'm thinking in my head, "Um, R raped me. S at least understood consensual and pleasurable sex, so that made S better."

 

I'm comfortable with speaking about my own past abuse, because it's a topic that I'm passionate about. But, I also don't want to make my friends feel awkward. Plus, it may come back to you if the friendship ruins.

 

Should I just keep quiet or is it okay to explain what my ex R did? I just left it saying "Oh, R was just a really mean chauvinistic type." She kept asking how he was mean, but I wasn't sure whether it was appropriate to start saying all of the sexually abusive things he did.

 

Friends are supposed to care for each other. I don't consider it at all socially unacceptable to tell friends when you have been raped.

 

I agree with TaraMaiden that you may be asked the following questions:

 

Did you report it?

How did it feel?

Where is he now?

Does anyone else know?

What did you do about it?

Does his current GF know?

 

When two of my friends who I know in person told me (at different times)that they were raped, I was furious and yes, the first question I asked is if charges were filed against the rapist. Sadly, many rapists get away with their crimes against the rape victims. However, this is not the rape victim's fault but rather is society's fault.

 

True friends are supposed to be there for each other and love/care for each other. It helps to understand each other when friends tell each other what has happened in their lives and to be there for each other even when horrible things have happened. I think it'd be good to tell your true friends.

 

Now, if they blame you for the rape, then I don't think they were good friends in the first place. Good friends wouldn't blame each other for horrible things that have happened, but rather support and comfort each other.

[OMGitskayleigh]

I don't think it's unacceptable at all, but be prepared to answer questions. I personally thought my friends were amazing after I was raped. Yes I had to answer questions, but they were so good from when it happened, all the way to police investigations. If they're real friends they'll be pleased you told them, not find it socially unacceptable

[Bengal Tiger]

If she's any kind of friend at all, then she would be understanding, supportive, and respect your boundaries.

 

Share it only when you are ready to handle or decline the questions.

[stevie_23]

I don't think it's socially unacceptable in the slightest. If anyone, and particularly your friends, would find it "awkward" or "unacceptable", then they are not your true friends.

 

There's nothing socially unacceptable about TALKING about sexual abuse or rape. The only unacceptable part of it is that it actually HAPPENS in the first place and the people who commit those actions. THEY are the unacceptable ones.

 

Also, I wouldn't worry about any of your friends ever using the information against you at a later date if the friendship turned sour or something. Anyone who would do that is a horrible person and anyone they would tell or try to use the info against you would most likely see how horrible a person they are, and it wouldn't reflect badly upon YOU at all because of course, you did nothing wrong. The person who treated you like that did, and so too would the friend who blabbed about it to use it against you.

 

This is all hypothetical of course, lol.

[Seductive]

I've experienced people using it against me in the past, including my own mom. I'm very weary on who to share it with. Even though I've lived in America all of my life, I've been raised to think like an Indian woman. It's very rare, or non-existent, for an Indian woman in America to report rape. I've had two Indian men on loveshack themselves act rude and dismissive when I was open about my own abuse history. People just don't want to hear it.

 

I didn't report the rape when it happened, because I was terrified, beaten down and had no support. Many of my white friends got to see the world and live on their own when they were in their 20's. I was a sheltered "Good Indian girl" at age 24, and at the mercy of my rapist ex-boyfriend and mom. My only concern at the time was to find a way to escape from these people. Some Indian men from rich families, like my ex, have a lot of power and are able to get people to side with them. I have a strong feeling that if I make it known in the Indian community what my ex did, people will not believe me.

 

In a sick way, you can say I was taught to not fight back or not be aware of my own rights. My father sexually abused me, but my mom also said "Don't report him or tell anyone! Your husband will hate you if he finds out! Nobody is going to sympathize with you!" Being such a naive person, I believed my mom and just lived life as a doormat for 25 years. My rapist ex-boyfriend told me to also keep quiet about my own sexual abuse, and he would say things like guilt, brain-washing and anger to pressure me to do what he wanted. He knew I hated having sex with him, but he still demanded it. He told me that, "13 years old isn't that young. You could have stopped it. You and your dad are both to blame. Don't give me that psychology bull**** about consent."

 

My mom does guilt me from time to time saying that I'm too Americanized now by being independent and expressing my different opinions to her. I'm lucky to finally have freedom and be in control of my own life, but it's so embarrassing and hard to explain to others what kind of a lifestyle I've lived.

Edited February 28, 2013 by Seductive

[Bengal Tiger]

I've experienced people using it against me in the past, including my own mom. I'm very weary on who to share it with. Even though I've lived in America all of my life, I've been raised to think like an Indian woman. It's very rare, or non-existent, for an Indian woman in America to report rape. I've had two Indian men on loveshack themselves act rude and dismissive when I was open about my own abuse history. People just don't want to hear it.

 

I didn't report the rape when it happened, because I was terrified, beaten down and had no support. Many of my white friends got to see the world and live on their own when they were in their 20's. I was a sheltered "Good Indian girl" at age 24, and at the mercy of my rapist ex-boyfriend and mom. My only concern at the time was to find a way to escape from these people. Some Indian men from rich families, like my ex, have a lot of power and are able to get people to side with them. I have a strong feeling that if I make it known in the Indian community what my ex did, people will not believe me.

 

In a sick way, you can say I was taught to not fight back or not be aware of my own rights. My father sexually abused me, but my mom also said "Don't report him or tell anyone! Your husband will hate you if he finds out! Nobody is going to sympathize with you!" Being such a naive person, I believed my mom and just lived life as a doormat for 25 years. My rapist ex-boyfriend told me to also keep quiet about my own sexual abuse, and he would say things like guilt, brain-washing and anger to pressure me to do what he wanted. He knew I hated having sex with him, but he still demanded it. He told me that, "13 years old isn't that young. You could have stopped it. You and your dad are both to blame. Don't give me that psychology bull**** about consent."

 

My mom does guilt me from time to time saying that I'm too Americanized now by being independent and expressing my different opinions to her. I'm lucky to finally have freedom and be in control of my own life, but it's so embarrassing and hard to explain to others what kind of a lifestyle I've lived.

 

That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear you went through that. You should be able to share things like this with people in your life who care about you, not just anonymous strangers online.

 

Not sure if this will make you feel better, but this is the sort of thing that lets you know who your real friends are. They should know when you need support and be there for you.

 

Here's a virtual hug.

[Seductive]

Wow, I didn't mean to be so emotional earlier. But, I had to let it out. I know everyone meant well, but the "reporting stuff" in some of the people's posts was triggering. When my friend asked about my life living at home and ex-boyfriends, I got triggered. She was asking innocent questions, but I was like "Ugh, do I have to explain everything?"

 

 

Thank you all for the love and support. Hopefully, my recent post helps people in the same situation. You can get out and leave a bad situation, even if it's not easy.

 

The thing is my past is a big part of who I am. I would like to be with someone that is able to accept and understand my past, but love me for the person I've become today.

[stevie_23]

I notice you said you want to be with someone who accepts your past BUT loves you for who you are today. There’s no need for the but. You know what I mean? That part of your past was a negative experience forced upon you, but it wasn’t anything YOU did. You had no control over that. Someone who loves you DESPITE your past is not what you want. It's someone accepts and understand that part of your past and loves you for ALL that you are, including how that past experience has affected and influenced you are now, and that person will be a very lucky person indeed.

[2sure]

Start off your reply with:

 

"Look, I'm completely comfortable talking about this, because I've come to terms with it, it's in the past, but I want to speak about it, because it may serve as a wrning to other girls....

 

The reason R was a jerk, is because actually, he had sex with me when I amde it clear I wasn't willing. He raped me. "

 

Then stop, and await the reaction.

 

Take it from there.

 

But be prepared for questions, such as,

 

"Did you report it?

How did it feel?

Where is he now?

Does anyone else know?

What did you do about it?

Does his current GF know?"

 

 

I just had to highlight this because...This is exactly how to have this conversation. And many of us need to be able to have it, and have the right words. You are valid regardless of whether the person hearing it is capable of hearing it or not. This verbiage makes that clear.

[Seductive]

I just found out that this cruel man is now married. If I told his wife, I'm sure she and the rest of his family would stick by him. Knowing him, he would choose a naive and unsuspecting woman. I wish her all of the best in dealing with him. I have decided not to tell the friend in my original post, as she has disclosed personal things to her husband that I wish she didn't.

[LovelyMama]

You should never feel ashamed to speak about what happened to you, as long as it is true. Your friends should be there, and be supportive, and assist your grieving about the situation.

Many cultures raise their women to believe that it is their fault that they get raped, and that there is nothing to cry about. That is very, and absolutely untrue.

You are not alone as a victim who feels she is unable to verbalized such horrific actions, but the truth is best known. Any respectful female would want to avoid this guy, and all men that are like him.

You are clearly a very strong woman. Never let fear get the best of you. I am sincerely sympathetic for you after reading your story. And as a victim of such crimes myself, I can only imagine the horror you have suffered through after such an incident.

The only thing socially unacceptable about speaking of rape is joking about it, committing it, or disregarding it.

This man deserves to be brought to justice in some way.

When you do speak out about what he did, you will probably be asked a lot of questions that will bring back a lot of emotions that you have spent time burying deep within yourself.

Stay strong. <3

[Seductive]

Justice has already served him, because of what kind of life he has now. He had to marry an innocent virgin from our native country, because I'm sure nobody in America would want him. I'm laughing loudly at how he used to brag about how all of these gorgeous and"freaky" women wanted him and would do anything he asked. If that's the case, why did have to go overseas to get a bride?

 

He will try to make me look like the crazy one, because he has done it before. He told me that his family and his friends hated me. He would taunt me on how nobody liked me, and how people would be on his side. I did try to tell a mutual friend of ours what he did to me, but the friend just said "What are you talking about?" It's obvious that the friend supports this kind of man. I don't see why I need to re-victimize myself.

 

Luckily, I do have a few friends that do support me when I do need to talk about this stuff.

[Seductive]

Just an update and some quick thoughts.

 

I discussed this issue with a close girlfriend that I have known for years. She revealed to me, "My boyfriend sides with him, because he sees him as his homeboy." The boyfriend is also someone that I have known for 10 years, and have been "good friends" with. It's very hurtful when your own friend denies your reality and the impact it has had on you. Why would I lie about something like that and isn't 10 years long enough to know that I try to be a good and kind person?

 

It hurts so badly that I was even contemplating worse things to do to myself. Sounds crazy, but having someone deny your experience feels just like rape itself. When I hear how my friend sides with my ex, I wanted to jump off a building.

[Seachelle1]

Seductive,

Thanks so much for your post.

 

I dated an Indian man for 6 years. I'm a white girl and was abused as a kid a lot. I kinda dated this guy to get out of my small town and live my life. He lived in L.A. and was worldly-wise and was obsessed with me. I mistook that obsession for love. You know?

 

What ended up happening was that he raped me a lot and tried to kill me. I was only 21 when I left him (I'm 29 now). I left the country to make the cut clean. I hurt about it a lot. I used to make excuses for him and I didn't realize for almost 3 years that he'd been abusive to me.

 

I think about him sometimes. I moved in with his family and he would beat me in front of them. I remember so well when his Mom sat me down once after he'd been hitting me and told me that sometimes, when we love a man, we let them hit us.

 

He used to beat me whenever I'd talk to a man that wasn't him. I just finally shut down, didn't go out anymore. He'd choke me out and hold me down and scream that he was going to kill me, that sort of thing. Then he'd have sex with me and I'd let him because I thought it would keep him from killing me.

 

Once he beat me in the middle of a nice neighborhood and a man was out doing his gardening and watched the whole thing. He came in between us and my ex ran into his car and he implored me to go to the police. I didn't say a word, I just got back into the car with his ex and watched the man as we drove away.

 

I've had such a hard time even being vocal about it because I don't know how to put the culture clash and all the factors into a story. I come out sounding racist when I am just trying to describe the different context. I feel like you will understand?

 

I am sorry for what you've been through. Thank you for sharing.

[Seductive]

HI seachelle,

 

For some reason, I had a feeling to come back to this forum. I'm glad that I could be of help to you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I can't imagine! This is what's empowering for me when I speak of my own truth. To see that someone else can be positively impacted. Yes, I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm glad you got away from it and hope that you're safe.

 

I'm not shocked at all by your ex's mom's comment. Sadly, some of the worst misogynists in my culture are other women.

 

As for my Indian male friend that chooses to stick with my ex, I shouldn't be surprised either. Men like that stick together, and will have a hard time empathizing with a woman.

 

Sending positive vibes your way.

[Seachelle1]

Seductive,

 

It is so sad about my ex-Mom. I really love her so much. I know that my ex's dad abused her in front of the family when they were kids. From the stories, it was horrific. I remember her grasping my hand when she told me about love and abuse and I saw the look in her eye.

 

Honestly, it was the thing that made me leave more than anything else. As much as I love her I don't want to be her.

 

I am safe now. I live by myself with two cats. I go to therapy. It's a quiet life that is all mine.

 

When I read about the rape/murder victim that spurred riots in India I started crying. I lit a candle for her and told her my story. I am not religious but I talked to her like I sometimes talk to my dad.

 

It's people like you that will transform your culture into a safe place for both men and women. Please don't stop telling your story. I don't think I have a place in that transformation except to say thank you and to transform my own culture in response but I am very much moved and helped. I don't know very much at the end of the day but I know that the way I lived with him was no way to live.

 

I hope you are well. You're brave for telling your story. Thanks again.

[2sure]

I'm seeing here different aspects or steps in the process of recovering from abuse. For me it was a one time ordeal, for others a repeated treatment. Life changing trauma either way. I hope you both find a way to validate yourselves as far as the reality and facts of what HAPPENED to you.

 

Seems like often others and we ourselves focus on why it happened, how we participated, what we should have done differently. All important issues.

 

But please don't let any of those questions cloud or invalidate the fact that :

 

This is something that HAPPENED TO YOU.

 

Because that has to be acknowledged , accepted, and dealt with FIRST.

 

To validate that or talk about it does not mean you are still in victim mode, it doesn't mean you haven't moved forward. It means that you accept solidly that this happened, it was wrong, someone hurt you and you can comfortably lay the blame, and then move on and share the lesson. Because this was one of your life experiences and it's freaking valid.

[Chris516]

If telling your friends that you were raped is socially unacceptable....then Elvis Presley is still alive. Bill Gates is not one of richest men in the world, and George Brett was not involved in the famous pine tar incident where he was accused of putting pine tar on his bat.

 

Elvis is dead. Bill Gates is one of the richest men in the world. George Brett was involved in the pine tar incident at Royals Stadium in the 1980's.

 

I am saying that you should tell your friends.

 

So, Tell your friends.