GivenUp Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 I am desperate for advice from anyone who may be able to help me! D and I have been married for 10 years (together for 13). We have very little intimacy and it gets worse each day. A little history: I have two children from a previous marriage, the youngest is now a high school sr. D has no children. I am 40, he is 43. I feel that we are at a time in our life now where we should be enjoying each other MORE as when we got married we had young children from the start. However, D has no interest in any intamacy with me. We have sex once every 6-8 weeks and it is mediocre at best. He is not having an affair, he is home every night. He is not interested in porn (I subscribed to an adult magazine thinking it might help but it did not). I have discussed the problem with him and he says he will work on it but nothing changes. We have been to a counselor who released us after 7-8 sessions because he did not feel he could make any progress with D and it was a waste of our $$ and his time. He is busy at work and works over 40 hours per week but that is his choice (his employer does not make him work over 40 hours). This problem has existed for at least the last 4-5 years and I am at witts end. I do not want to divorce him, but I do not want to live this life of no feeling either. Any suggestions on how I can cope with this problem? GivenUp Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 G,.You must be dealing with a huge amount of pain, confusion, and worry. I hope that you can find the strength to find your way through all this. Don't let the negative emotions . consume you, or there'll be nothing left to love if ever he does come around. I hope this place can help. Take everything with a grain of salt I haven't yet completely given up. But I think my wife has. I can't seem to understand why the intimacy is gone. And I'm not talking sexually either. But sex is about nonexistent now. I guess some people carry a great deal of pain that disallows them to love openly and freely. I've considered divorce before, I've considered it seriously. But I stick to it. because I love her and care about her deeply. I often see the suggestion of stopping whatever it is you're doing. I know it sounds crazy, I have to say in little spurts, it works well. Just a measured withdrawal of all the stuff you think is harmless, and even the stuff you think helps. Somehow it wakes the other person up from that sleepwalk they're in. I promised myself today that I'm going to pretty much give up on the relationship, the more I work at it, the worse it gets. The more I love my wife , the worse it gets. If I even think about sex, It gets worse. So I'm convinced that it starts with the person experiencing the pain, just giving up. Another thing I've learned is that talking about your relationship at all with someone who doesn't want to is extremely harmful to the fragile condition that relationships can find themselves in. For example, If you want more sex and you ask, your partner feels pressured. You'd think(hope, wish, fantasize) that just because the other loves YOU they would want to fulfill you need and want to be with you sexually. Unfortunately, that's not the way it works. I know that part sucks but it's true to me as I've seen it in action. My wife and I had a huge argument just today, because I forgot to listen, reword, and repeat. no I didn't forget, I just got too emotional to maintain control. She knows exactly how to hurt me. and she does so with extreme prejudice. We got into it because I was unhappy with something she said, and voiced my concern. I tried to make up with her, but she wasn't having it. Ah well. So it seems the bottom line is , give up stealthfully, stop doing everything and re-learn this person . I know the risk is that you'll feel resentment, and maybe not even like the person he's become, but hey, it's a risk worth taking. mA Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 MassiveAtom, Don't give up until you have to. My H could have written that post a few months back, and we're so much better now. I posted to catb in Infidelity, if you want to check it out. Long and short of it is that I just didn't understand what it meant to him. And now I do! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 GivenUp, Has he been checked out by a medical doctor? Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 Don't laugh! There is actually a condition referred to as 'male menopause'! Look up some websites. A friend of mine went through a similar situation with her boyfriend who was in his late 40's. His interest in sex started declining until they went almost an entire year without. He wasn't cheating. In fact, he was always very loving and attentive....everywhere except the bedroom. He was afraid to see the doctor for a long time. Finally he went and the condition was explained to him. Some men have significant decreases of certain hormones in middle age, which affects desire. Additionally, because he felt confused about his flagging interest, he became anxious and depressed. A combination of therapy (to help him with stress management), healthier lifestyle changes (he was advised to stop smoking, get more sleep and start excercising) and anti-depressants did a world of good. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 the bottom line is , give up stealthfully, stop doing everything and re-learn this person . I know the risk is that you'll feel resentment, and maybe not even like the person he's become, but hey, it's a risk worth taking. Massive, I enjoy reading your posts. Seems like sound advice: Give up stealthfully. After all, there really isn't any emotional, physical, or financial cost to assume the risk to which you are referring. I must say, in addition, that re-learning shouldn't be a strenuous, time-consuming process, and would probably take about a week at least, assuming we spend 5 hours of waking time a day with the subject. At any rate, it appears you and G are well on the way to experiencing what is the natural progression of marriage. Hang in there long enough, and you'll experience the same choice of a prisoner potentially being released after his 20 year sentance: The devil you know, or the devil you don't. To continue to live within the walls of a now comfortable environment, or to enter the unfamiliar, "outside," risky world. Given this analogy, is it any surprise so many unhappy marriages remain intact, and that we have so many "career" criminals? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GivenUp Posted September 7, 2004 Author Share Posted September 7, 2004 Lady Jane, He refuses to go to a medical doctor for anything. He has not seen a doctor in years and years. He snores something terrible so I have tried to get him to see a doctor for that but he refuses. I am SURE there is NO WAY he would see a doctor for a sexual problem!! But I bet there would be help for him if he would! GivenUp Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Originally posted by Samson [snip] Seems like sound advice: After all, there really isn't any emotional, physical, or financial cost to assume the risk to which you are referring. I must say, in addition, that re-learning shouldn't be a strenuous, time-consuming process, and would probably take about a week at least, assuming we spend 5 hours of waking time a day with the subject. >I< have to say , you seem awfully bitter and cynical Samson. Every post of yours I've read is rife with negativity and powerlessness. That may explain it some, in and of itself. There is TREMENDOUS emotional, financial, and physical risk taken whenever one CHOOSES to work on themselves to improve their lives. What you may be ignoring is that in a relationship it takes at least one person to make and effort to improve things. The risk is that you'll work (emotionally, physically, financially) to build a new relationship, and then realize that the other person is not what you had hoped for. And about relearning, try forgetting everything you think you know about a person, forgiving them and yourself, developing an understanding of their life, goals, needs, wants....., being compassionate toward those "things", keeping your where-with-all to not develop resentment toward that person and set your own personality on "Kindness" mode for everyone for the rest of your life. AND do ALL that in the utter absence of expectation, reciprocation and hope. hmph! talk about risky business. Talk about Strenuous work. Hope is a risk. A risk best left to the naive . At any rate, it appears you and G are well on the way to experiencing what is the natural progression of marriage. Hang in there long enough, and you'll experience the same choice of a prisoner potentially being released after his 20 year sentance: The devil you know, or the devil you don't. To continue to live within the walls of a now comfortable environment, or to enter the unfamiliar, "outside," risky world. Given this analogy, is it any surprise so many unhappy marriages remain intact, and that we have so many "career" criminals? Poor Samson, Your defeatist attitude is both counterproductive to your goals it seems, and wholly irrelevant to my situation. I make very certain NOT to allow my environment to become too comfortable. You couldn't tell that from my posts hmm? That explains why my partner and many others describe me as difficult or analyzing. I rarely build comfort for comforts sake, but as a temporary retreat from my usual inquisitive defiance of the status quo. And check this out, My relationship with my wife is getting pretty damn good. pretty damn quickly. My concept of "giving up" is to let it go, let it bleed to death, let the old troubled relationship die. If you love the other person, you'll be able to build a new way of relating, hence the word, "relationship." It won't be the one you started with, might not be the one YOU wanted,, but it will be new. and you'l have yourself to thank for it. Oops! there's another risk. I'm sorry your life has left you bitter, cranky and hostile. I hope you can find the ray of light at the end of your tunnel. BTW, I heard and interesting quote a while ago that I think is appropo here: "Your words say infinitely more about what's going on with you, than anything else." Also, you might like to check out a book called "total Vision" I'm sure it'll help too. My friend, it seems that you have been blinded by an unfortunate life indeed. Tell me. What happened Sam? mA - in a new thread tho' K? Link to post Share on other sites
MarriageBed Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 First, it is obvious that he has a problem and chances are, he knows it (although he will likely deny it). There may be a number of reasons why he does not want to admit to a problem or get help for his problem. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to help someone who does not want it, which sounds like your case. The worst thing you can do is to pressure him and keep reminding him of his problem. So, if you cannot talk to him about his problem and if he won't admit to having a problem, what can you do? You might try turning it around. My guess is that his problem is causing you to have a problem (that's why you are posting here). If he does not want to talk about his problem, maybe he will talk about your problem. Without casting the blame on him, you might be able to talk about your own struggles and problems. Most men like to fix things that are broke (except for themselves), so maybe if he sees something broken on your side...he will engage you and try to fix the problem. It is a long shot, but it might work. If that doesn't work you might try the following: 1. If you are not already, start sleeping in the nude and exposing your naked body to him at every opportunity. It might take a while to restart the fire inside him, but full nudity is the best starting point. 2. Learn some new sex techniques and introduce them in your next love-making session. Do something different to get his attention and hopefully keep it. 3. Plan an erotic vacation or get-a-way to ignite the fire inside him. Look for an adult only resort or hotel, where you can enjoy each other without any interuptions and where he cannot retreat to his work. 4. Shower him with as much love and affection (non-sexual) as you can possibly dig up inside you. Send him flowers, cards, love notes. Give him as much love as you can possibly give without the sex. Support him, encourage him, and build up his self-esteem. Perhaps with enough encouragement and support he will decide to pursue help (but you cannot force him or remind him...it is his choice). Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 It's interesting that you mention the snoring problem. Also, in your first post you said that he works in excess of 40 hours a week. Is he sleeping alot, but always tired? Best bets on snoring problems is to get him to a pulmonologist who specializes in sleep disorders; barring that an ENT, or even a primary care doctor who will explain to him how disrupting sleep apnea can be. The sleep cycle is actually a bit more complicated then one would think! If he's tired all the time, it's no wonder that you're not getting any of the good stuff!!! If he was willing to see a marriage councellor before, then maybe you could point out that seeing a medical doctor is less time consuming than going back for therapy on the marriage. At 43, he needs some basic medical care that's appropriate for his age anyway, and if the subject of sexual disfunction comes up during his exam, so much the better. Link to post Share on other sites
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