Normal behaviour??

[ltimms741]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we are both divorced. The problem is there is absolutely no trust in our relationship. I can honestly say I have never trusted him from the day I met him and question my own sanity. I would consider my boyfriend to be a sociopath. He certainly ticks all the right boxes.

 

About 18 months into our relationship, I received a letter from his ex-wife claiming their relationship was still on-going. They would both contact each other via his work mobile so of course I never knew they were having intimate conversations during this time. I confronted him and he eventually came clean about the relationship with his ex-wife but that alone took some doing. He blamed me for ignoring him of course, which is rubbish.

 

He would never bring his work phone into the house and leave it overnight in his work van. I always found this very suspicious and we had no end of arguments about it. BUT he is a very good liar. I knew something was wrong but couldn't prove anything until his ex-wife contacted me.

 

Now 3 years on I am still having issues with his work phone. I very rarely see his phone and guess what he still keeps it out of sight and it's usually left in his van. I find this very strange considering he is a manager and does receive calls after hours, He insists nothing is going on with his Ex-Wife and I am really not sure I believe him. There is also a long history of him getting too close with female work colleagues that I have talked to him about. He easily oversteps the boundaries which adds to the trust problem.

 

Do you think I am over reacting to his phone? Do you see this as normal behaviour?

 

Please help I am going insane.

[will1988]

Well the fact that you two don't trust each other, never have, and have been dating for 3 years already is not a good sign to begin with... Personally, I think it is time to move on. If you can't trust someone then there is no reason being with them.

 

Now on to his phone behavior, sure it is a little odd, but some people are very secretive. The better question is does he leave the room to take most of his phone calls? Have his work or reckreation hours become unusual? Those are signs of cheating. But even if he isn't cheating, you two don't trust each other, it is time to move on to greener pastures.

[TaraMaiden]

My one and only question is why - and how - the hell are you two even still together?

 

Without Trust - there IS no feasible relationship to speak of.

 

You don't communicate effectively, and you have NO respect for one another.

 

This is what I tell folks who discuss the lack of Trust (or Communication, or Respect) in their relationships:

 

Relationships are sustained by three important, vital and co-dependent factors: They are in fact, like the tripod supporting the fragile porcelain dish within the laboratory....

These three, inseparable, co-dependent and co-effective factors are:

 

Communication (effective and constructive)

Respect (For self and partner)

Trust.

 

If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair...

 

Trust is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette;

Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece...

 

Trust is exactly like that.

Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.

 

A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle...

 

Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional.

 

You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship.

You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong.

 

Remember:

"Finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

If you're in it 100% of your 50% - but she's only in at 60%... you can't make up the 40% shortfall on her half.

That's not co-operation on both your parts - that's desperation on yours alone.

 

You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the previous failure. (Note: 'Responsibility' is not the same as 'blame'.)

 

You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree.

because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here.

[ltimms741]

He does trust me, that is one thing positive to say. I just keep thinking one day I may be able to trust him but really I know deep down that won't happen.

 

Unfortunately I feel stuck in this relationship with him. It's complicated, I have a medical condition which he is fully supportive of and when times are good I love being with him. I could imagine he could be quite nasty too and sometimes that scares me so I feel trapped. Strangely if I catch him doing something I do not approve of it helps me to kick him out of my life and home. I know this sounds silly!!

 

I know for sure nothing suspicious is going on with his own personal phone. Due to the trust issues he has given me full access to his records if I want them. I am either totally paranoid or he is up to something on that damn phone but I just want to catch him as he will never tell me what is going on.

[TaraMaiden]

He does trust me, that is one thing positive to say. I just keep thinking one day I may be able to trust him but really I know deep down that won't happen.

 

Unfortunately I feel stuck in this relationship with him. It's complicated, I have a medical condition which he is fully supportive of and when times are good I love being with him. I could imagine he could be quite nasty too and sometimes that scares me so I feel trapped. Strangely if I catch him doing something I do not approve of it helps me to kick him out of my life and home. I know this sounds silly!!

 

No it doesn't.

I'll tell you what it sounds like.

 

It sounds like you taking advantage of him.

 

He trusts you - good.

he gives full disclosure - good.

 

You, on the other hand, are waiting for the perfect excuse to kick him out, and admit that there is a possibility that your paranoia is creating scenarios which really don't exist.

 

In short, you are single-handedly creating a dysfunctional relationship, and it's still more attractive than the alternative.

[will1988]

He does trust me, that is one thing positive to say. I just keep thinking one day I may be able to trust him but really I know deep down that won't happen.

 

Unfortunately I feel stuck in this relationship with him. It's complicated, I have a medical condition which he is fully supportive of and when times are good I love being with him. I could imagine he could be quite nasty too and sometimes that scares me so I feel trapped. Strangely if I catch him doing something I do not approve of it helps me to kick him out of my life and home. I know this sounds silly!!

 

I know for sure nothing suspicious is going on with his own personal phone. Due to the trust issues he has given me full access to his records if I want them. I am either totally paranoid or he is up to something on that damn phone but I just want to catch him as he will never tell me what is going on.

 

Are you sure you don't have anything mentally wrong with you? all, being nasty aside. You are using him and then being clingy, paranoid, and you don't even trust him. Honey, you two have been dating for 3 years and you are thinking about trusting him in the future. No offense but if you don't trust him now you will never trust him. move on.

[ltimms741]

TaraMaiden

 

I come on this forum looking for some support not a kick up the arse!

 

Hey you really do not know this guy! I am NOT taking advantage of him!!! I walked out on a perfectly good marriage for him because he was very manipulative and clever. I have lost everything I had, including all my friends because I am not allowed to see or talk to them, an 18 year marriage and taken my daughter from her father who she adores. Yes I was wrong but I am paying the price for it now. Many a times I have tried to end it but he has a habbit of talking me round. I am having a rather tough time here!

 

If you want to give advise please make it constructive and based on fact.

 

Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

Hey - you're the one who won't leave, in spite of it all.... not me.

 

You make it sound like you have No choice.

 

But actually - you do.

 

And you've made your choice.

 

He's apparently a sociopath - you don't trust him.

 

 

So, you stay.

 

And that's logically, because.......?

[ltimms741]

Are you sure you don't have anything mentally wrong with you? all, being nasty aside. You are using him and then being clingy, paranoid, and you don't even trust him. Honey, you two have been dating for 3 years and you are thinking about trusting him in the future. No offense but if you don't trust him now you will never trust him. move on.

 

There probably is considering I am still with him! I do not have a mental illness. I am pretty insecure yes but that does not make me mad or mentally ill. Just trying to get some help with a difficult relationship.

[ltimms741]

Hey - you're the one who won't leave, in spite of it all.... not me.

 

You make it sound like you have No choice.

 

But actually - you do.

 

And you've made your choice.

 

He's apparently a sociopath - you don't trust him.

 

 

So, you stay.

 

And that's logically, because.......?

 

So if there's no trust you just give up. Yeah thanks. I will consider that an option but in the mean time I will believe I am totally mad and insane. LOL really this site is for children. Thanks but I will go get some professional help.

[TaraMaiden]

L

E

A

V

E.

 

 

The only thing stopping you from leaving this dysfunctional relationship, is your unwillingness.

[TaraMaiden]

So if there's no trust you just give up. Yeah thanks. I will consider that an option but in the mean time I will believe I am totally mad and insane. LOL really this site is for children. Thanks but I will go get some professional help.

 

So....

Just because you don't hear what you'd prefer to hear, suddenly, this site is for children?

 

Don't you think your post is just a bit childish, actually..?

 

And I think your final idea is probably the best one you've had.

 

In 3 years.

 

Good luck.

[ltimms741]

So....

Just because you don't hear what you'd prefer to hear, suddenly, this site is for children?

 

Don't you think your post is just a bit childish, actually..?

 

And I think your final idea is probably the best one you've had.

 

In 3 years.

 

Good luck.

 

No it's not childish at all. It's a classic case of someone being manipulated and controlled and I can tell you.. it's not a nice place to be. I actually have multiple sclerosis not a mental health issue. It's a tough life. I don't look for symptathy I just get on as best I can. He is using ME because he knows I will struggle on my own. In fact he has made me feel I cannot cope on my own. I was looking for your advise but yeah you are right it's now what I am expecting to hear. The guy looks at information on the internet wondering if his children will benefit from my will???.. his ex tells me he has other children I don't even know about??? He is a compulsive gambler!!!... the list is endless. I am in this mess and yes I have to get out of it. But it's not easy when I am so insecure and with such a controlling person. We are both controlliing but he has made me this way because he constantly lies to me and has a very good way of making me believe him.

[TaraMaiden]

Look.

I'm sorry for your predicament, but the bottom line is this - In your own words:

 

In fact he has made me feel I cannot cope on my own.

 

I am in this mess and yes I have to get out of it. But it's not easy when I am so insecure and with such a controlling person. We are both controlliing but he has made me this way because he constantly lies to me and has a very good way of making me believe him.

You're justifying your predicament by making excuses and projecting the responsibility for your own thought-processes onto someone else.

 

If you have the strength and presence of mind to come here and post about this situation, and if you have the presence of mind to recognise that you can be controlling too, then it's not all one sided - and so you're certainly capable of doing something about it.

 

The bottom line is this:

We can all come in and give you all kinds of support, advice, counsel or opinion.

In short - help, in the way we help.

 

But it doesn't matter how well our posts are phrased, and whether you like what you read or not.

 

The bottom line is - you still have to do this for yourself.

 

The fact is and the fact remains that you alone, cannot fix the both of you.

 

Even if you were to re-establish your trust in him, the rest of it would still be dysfunctional; he would still be a sociopath, and you would still be in this predicament.

 

So right now, you have a choice:

 

Either stay, and make the best of it,

 

or - Leave.

 

Really, at the end of all discussion, that's all it comes down to.

 

Decide which would be the better, safer and more peaceful option.

[will1988]

TaraMaiden

 

I come on this forum looking for some support not a kick up the arse!

 

Hey you really do not know this guy! I am NOT taking advantage of him!!! I walked out on a perfectly good marriage for him because he was very manipulative and clever. I have lost everything I had, including all my friends because I am not allowed to see or talk to them, an 18 year marriage and taken my daughter from her father who she adores. Yes I was wrong but I am paying the price for it now. Many a times I have tried to end it but he has a habbit of talking me round. I am having a rather tough time here!

 

If you want to give advise please make it constructive and based on fact.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Uhh giving those details about you walking out of a good marriage for this guy makes me think even less of you, as I'm sure others on this site will agree. This is a site for advice, sure, but this isn't a site where people will kiss your a$$ and say you are the greatest thing since slice bread and what you are doing is totally right. We are giving you real advice, from real unbiased observers reading what posters write on here... we comment with what we think is the best advice.

 

Also, once a cheater always a cheater. I'm sure he left his wife for you too, right? What is saying he wont or isn't doing it to you? Also, you have no right to be paranoid, clingy, insecure etc... you cheated on your husband and took your kid! You are in the wrong here. You are also delusional.

[will1988]

No it's not childish at all. It's a classic case of someone being manipulated and controlled and I can tell you.. it's not a nice place to be. I actually have multiple sclerosis not a mental health issue. It's a tough life. I don't look for symptathy I just get on as best I can. He is using ME because he knows I will struggle on my own. In fact he has made me feel I cannot cope on my own. I was looking for your advise but yeah you are right it's now what I am expecting to hear. The guy looks at information on the internet wondering if his children will benefit from my will???.. his ex tells me he has other children I don't even know about??? He is a compulsive gambler!!!... the list is endless. I am in this mess and yes I have to get out of it. But it's not easy when I am so insecure and with such a controlling person. We are both controlliing but he has made me this way because he constantly lies to me and has a very good way of making me believe him.

 

Lady you are nuts. One minute you say he is the best man in the world and ask if you are being crazy, and then the next you list things like this. I have no sympathy for you or your situation. You made your own bed and now it is time to sleep in it. This is karma's way of getting you back for all the wrongs you have done.

[TaraMaiden]

Aaaaargh!!

 

Not the 'Karma' word again!!!! :mad:

 

Karma won't do anything, because that's not what Karma does.

 

Karma doesn't mean vengeance or come-uppance.

 

It simply means 'Action' and is a simple process.

It doesn't kick ass or wreak revenge.

It just 'is'.

 

This is my own personal one-person campaign to educate those who bandy the 'karma' word around without even knowing what it really means.

 

If nothing else, this at least, you have learned today.

 

 

From here.....

 

[will1988]

Aaaaargh!!

 

Not the 'Karma' word again!!!! :mad:

 

 

 

From here.....

 

 

Ha thank you for the lesson...

 

ok then, to the OP this is your way of getting cosmic bad juju version of Newtons third law affecting you.

[loversquarrel]

Actually Karma reflects action in its entirety, cause and effect. A negative action is more often than not going to end with a negative effect.

 

As to the OP...what did you expect would happen? He may be a sociopath, we have no idea. You are describing your BF as a great guy who shows you his phone records in one post then bash him and call him a sociopath who is seemingly evil incarnate. Are you sure you haven't been disgnosed with borderline personality disorder?

 

If your relationship started out as an affair, then statistically speaking it has about a 90% failure rate....so move on. (I could be wrong, but it is quite high)

[TaraMaiden]

Actually Karma reflects action in its entirety, cause and effect. A negative action is more often than not going to end with a negative effect.

 

Not quite.

You're talking specifically, about Karma-Vipaka.

 

I didn't want to go into the subject too deeply, in order to not derail the thread too far....

 

As to the OP...what did you expect would happen? He may be a sociopath, we have no idea. You are describing your BF as a great guy who shows you his phone records in one post then bash him and call him a sociopath who is seemingly evil incarnate. Are you sure you haven't been disgnosed with borderline personality disorder?

 

If your relationship started out as an affair, then statistically speaking it has about a 90% failure rate....so move on. (I could be wrong, but it is quite high)

 

On this matter - you have absolutely no debate from me.

 

[will1988]

Not quite.

You're talking specifically, about Karma-Vipaka.

 

I didn't want to go into the subject too deeply, in order to not derail the thread too far....

 

 

 

On this matter - you have absolutely no debate from me.

 

 

 

and you have my axe! err... no debate from me either.

[loversquarrel]

Not quite.

You're talking specifically, about Karma-Vipaka.

 

I didn't want to go into the subject too deeply, in order to not derail the thread too far....

 

 

 

On this matter - you have absolutely no debate from me.

 

 

Judging from your location you would crush me in a debate on this subject, therefore I acquiesce.