Separating from my True Love!?

[Heferaton]

I just turned 43 and my present from my wife was "I love you and you are my best friend, but I have no attraction or connection with you anymore." Actually that was my present for Thanksgiving. We were HS sweethearts and have been married for 23 years. We have been through ALOT together good and bad. She has always said my short comings were I was never romantic enough and my thought of romance was sex. She is not wrong here. I always said I would change, but until this came up I realized I haven't. The problem is I am working at changing the way I treat her and the kids, but she says it's not registering with her and she doesn't know if she will ever feel the same way again. She says I need to keep working at change and she will just wait to see if something changes in her. The past few months I have really been working on me and my short comings to be a in touch romantic and an all around better person. The only contact I have with her is I hug her as often as possible and give her as many kisses as she will let me. I actually am enjoying that because I am doing it without expecting anything in return. I've had to reassure her of that several times.

 

On to Valentine's Day, it was a disaster! She made it a point to break all my plans. Well I couldn't let my dissapointment go and asked her about it. She basically said I would just have to realize there is no connection. we were up past midnight arguing over it. How can I get anywhere if she doesn't want to work at it either?

 

Now she occassionally works out of town and everytime she comes back we are further apart even if she is gone just one night. Of course this leads to me being uneasy and then into an argument. Part of the reason is she has made new friends and old ones. She consistantly spends her time on social media and texting with all sorts of people. I read (unintenionally) a post by a gyuy friend that we knew back in HS and I read "Good morning sugar buger" on her timeline. Of course I flip and she reads me the whole message to and from to prove to me it's nothing. To me man code is you DO NOT talk to anyone's wife that way period! I told her she would tear me a new one if I had something like that going on and she said "no, not anymore." Of course I am the one left feeling insecure and apologizing.

 

With all this I tell her it is probably best I move out and she doesn't want that. During our conversation she say she wants to make sure one of us is there when she is out of town for the kids. Well two are in college and one has two years left in HS. I am feeling that if I stay I'm just going to be chasing my tail and if I leave we will find out if we really want to be together forever or not. She says she doesn't want to grow old alone, but if I stay then I will be alone no matter what. Do I stay or do I go is my big dilema

Edited February 25, 2013 by Heferaton

[Cali408]

Leave and be a challenge. Don't have anything to do with her other than shared responsibilities.

 

She's in a mid life crisis and probably having an affair.

[Heferaton]

I think you are right and right now the more I chase the further away she gets. I think giving it a couple of months away will either help us or tell us the direction we should go. Emotionally it is to hard to see her everyday knowing she is pushing me further away from her. It hurts my heart to know the more I try the more separation she wants.

[TaraMaiden]

You fail to realise one fundamental thing:

 

How can I get anywhere if she doesn't want to work at it either?

 

What do you think she's been doing for the past 23 years?

 

The big problem is this:

Women stick at it, and try and try and try and hold it all together and convince themselves to stay and make the effort - until breaking point is reached, they have nothing left to give, no further fasith in the relationship, and they throw in the towel.

 

Men chug along, complacently, assuming everything is fine, just going the sweet, old, usual way thay have been all along - and suddenly, blind-sided by their partner's announcement that this is over, they realise something needs to be done, they admit their faults and try to change - little realising that their partner has gone way beyond that point, and has no heart in it, any more.

 

You admit within the first four lines of your post, that you were not romantic, and that to you, sex= romance, and that you simply didn't bother to change.

She always said this - which implies it's not news to you - so by virtue of the fact that you knew this all along, you will see that the problem is one she's being dealing with for a while.

 

So to say that 'she doesn't want to work at it' is a mistake.

She's been waiting for YOU to work at it all this time, and you haven't.

Why should she now pick up the tempo to suit you?

 

The short answer is that she can't.

She's done.

It's over, and what was, can never be again.

 

But she has become accustomed to the companionship, and fears being left alone.

After 23 years, I can't blame her - she has been a companion and fellow-dweller to you for a long time.

 

What she wants, is for you to undertsand that she is here as a friend and house-mate, but the marriage itself is done.

 

You have to decide whether you can still live under one roof with her, as things are - or whether the marriage, having run its courrse, means a physical separation, as well as an emotional one.

 

But you will have to discuss this logically with her.

 

What, sincerely, is the best move for you both, looking at the whole scenario objectively?

[TaraMaiden]

Leave and be a challenge. Don't have anything to do with her other than shared responsibilities.

 

She's in a mid life crisis and probably having an affair.

 

If she says she doesn't want to grow old alone, then I doubt she's in an affair. An affair would imply that she still has other options to NOT grow old alone.

 

She's not having an affair.

She's just tired of trying to 'have one' with a husband whom she sees as not fulfilling her needs.....

[Heferaton]

You fail to realise one fundamental thing:

 

 

 

What do you think she's been doing for the past 23 years?

 

The big problem is this:

Women stick at it, and try and try and try and hold it all together and convince themselves to stay and make the effort - until breaking point is reached, they have nothing left to give, no further fasith in the relationship, and they throw in the towel.

 

Men chug along, complacently, assuming everything is fine, just going the sweet, old, usual way thay have been all along - and suddenly, blind-sided by their partner's announcement that this is over, they realise something needs to be done, they admit their faults and try to change - little realising that their partner has gone way beyond that point, and has no heart in it, any more.

 

You admit within the first four lines of your post, that you were not romantic, and that to you, sex= romance, and that you simply didn't bother to change.

She always said this - which implies it's not news to you - so by virtue of the fact that you knew this all along, you will see that the problem is one she's being dealing with for a while.

 

So to say that 'she doesn't want to work at it' is a mistake.

She's been waiting for YOU to work at it all this time, and you haven't.

Why should she now pick up the tempo to suit you?

 

The short answer is that she can't.

She's done.

It's over, and what was, can never be again.

 

But she has become accustomed to the companionship, and fears being left alone.

After 23 years, I can't blame her - she has been a companion and fellow-dweller to you for a long time.

 

What she wants, is for you to undertsand that she is here as a friend and house-mate, but the marriage itself is done.

 

You have to decide whether you can still live under one roof with her, as things are - or whether the marriage, having run its courrse, means a physical separation, as well as an emotional one.

 

But you will have to discuss this logically with her.

 

What, sincerely, is the best move for you both, looking at the whole scenario objectively?

 

Thank you for your input! This is really good insight in which I have been looking for to help myself get more perspective. I am not willing to just give up and say it's over until she does. She hasn't said that yet, but I am also of the realization that it could happen.

 

You are also correct in that she should not have to pick up her tempo to suit me. She has done that for many years and I do know it is up to me to pick up that ball. I've also come to realize these past few months that all I want is for her to be happy. I would prefer to be a part of that, but i can't force it on to her.

 

She says she wants to feel that feeling for me again, but is not sure if it will happen. Of course I want her to feel that way for me again. I'm just not sure if time apart and just taking her on dates will help or just make things worse. Maybe you are correct and it is over and I need to realize it.

[aMguilts]

Thank you for your input! This is really good insight in which I have been looking for to help myself get more perspective. I am not willing to just give up and say it's over until she does. She hasn't said that yet, but I am also of the realization that it could happen.

 

You are also correct in that she should not have to pick up her tempo to suit me. She has done that for many years and I do know it is up to me to pick up that ball. I've also come to realize these past few months that all I want is for her to be happy. I would prefer to be a part of that, but i can't force it on to her.

 

She says she wants to feel that feeling for me again, but is not sure if it will happen. Of course I want her to feel that way for me again. I'm just not sure if time apart and just taking her on dates will help or just make things worse. Maybe you are correct and it is over and I need to realize it.

 

 

yeah listen to tara

she`s always right

 

aM

[Heferaton]

Well an update, as of tomorrow I will be moving out for a separation. She is upset that I am moving out, but she agrees it will be for the best if we want a future together. We have decided on marriage counseling while apart and hopefully it helps us repair what is broken. She also wants us to continue our Sunday motorcycle rides together. I'm not entirely sure if that is a good thing or not at this point, but feel if I don't then I will definitely lose any open window of repairing our marriage.

[seriously-let-down]

Sorry Heferaton,

 

I've just read your story and it seems exactly the same as the way my ex wife treated me. I'm not saying she is not up to no good. But in my case the signs where there, I was like you, I got all upset and basically pushed her away. I don't have a magic wand to put everything right, but I hope for you it turns around and you find your wife and be a better person. But don't put yourself down, we are what we are.

 

Take care and I hope it ends happily.......

[GuyInLimbo]

Who's the OM? You say she's more distant every time she goes away. Why do you think that is? Dig, brother. Dig. If you want.

[Heferaton]

Week one of living away has been difficult to the point of wandering aimlessly through even the grocery store for a couple of hours WTF!! Anyways had a blow up with the wife and kids last Saturday over my gut feelings. Did not go well and really hit ground zero that night. Got back to the new house and picked up the phone and called my son that is off in college because he has always been my constant. He and I are alot alike and I did not tell him what I did but just to hear his voice and him give me a caring voice. He proceeded by texting me a scripture from the bible to read. I read it and went to bed with tears in my eyes.

 

Could only get about an hour or so of sleep before waking only to cry my bloody eyes out. I haven't cried in 12 years and hear I was crying like a baby wondering if I was going to make it through the day. Later on my son sent me 3 more verses from the bible to read. Now I am not a spiritual man but these verses touched me like no other. I awoke the following morning with a sense of direction to take. God is an over powering tool! I proceeded to get myself involved with a men's bible study at the church and after talking with the pastor for a bit I found my path.

 

I received a call from the wife and I told her i was heading a new direction and didn't want to tell her my plans and that I only wanted her to see it and it not be just words. After her relentless antogonizing me I folded and told her where I was headed. She got very emotional and upset that I didn't do this sooner. We then had an emotional talk, but I could still sense the distraction there.

 

I showed up in the office this morning and started approving bills to be paid when an odd number on the phone bill caught my eye. I then looked up this number to find it throughout my wife's bill for the past few months up to 12 calls a day between the. This morning I didn't hesitate I got on the phone with her and called her out on this and told her that if that is where her heart is headed then she needs to go that direction. I told her to go and not look back because I will not be there if she decides otherwise. I felt empowered by this and relief. I then went on to tell her regardless of what she does that I am moving on with or with or with out her. We then went on to have a good talk and she told me it was not a physical relationship she was having with this guy but an emotional one. He does live about 500 miles from our home town, so I believe that.

 

I hope this is the road to recovery for the two of as our family. Now this all may seem like a short time frame it is! I am a quick adjuster though and am always looking for a quick solution to anything. I feel good and I hope she decides to not blow up the marriage, but if she does I am going to be ok with it I am in God's hands now...

[Mr. Lucky]

I showed up in the office this morning and started approving bills to be paid when an odd number on the phone bill caught my eye. I then looked up this number to find it throughout my wife's bill for the past few months up to 12 calls a day between the. This morning I didn't hesitate I got on the phone with her and called her out on this and told her that if that is where her heart is headed then she needs to go that direction. I told her to go and not look back because I will not be there if she decides otherwise. I felt empowered by this and relief. I then went on to tell her regardless of what she does that I am moving on with or with or with out her. We then went on to have a good talk and she told me it was not a physical relationship she was having with this guy but an emotional one. He does live about 500 miles from our home town, so I believe that.

You are getting "trickle truth", a version of events dispensed one bit at a time to protect your wife's options as she pursues them. 12 calls a day? Doesn't sound like the kind of energy one invests in a platonic relationship. 500 miles (her version, verified by you?) isn't much of a barrier.

 

Has it occurred to you that your wife hasn't been honest with you about her activities since day one ??? Why do you think that is?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited March 19, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

Take what I say as being from a somewhat skeptical person, but be careful with getting religious over this experience. Many religions PREY on emotionally weak/fragile people. You're a perfect candidate right now.

 

Also, no where do you mention therapy. before you start putting energy in a bible study, put some energy into finding a good counselor. THAT is what you need. You're not going to find the answers as to what went wrong or what you need in any bible class, despite the fact it is offering you some relief right now. You're desperate for healing.

 

Third, I told you there was an OM....

[Heferaton]

Take what I say as being from a somewhat skeptical person, but be careful with getting religious over this experience. Many religions PREY on emotionally weak/fragile people. You're a perfect candidate right now.

 

Also, no where do you mention therapy. before you start putting energy in a bible study, put some energy into finding a good counselor. THAT is what you need. You're not going to find the answers as to what went wrong or what you need in any bible class, despite the fact it is offering you some relief right now. You're desperate for healing.

 

Third, I told you there was an OM....

 

I am starting therapy next week. Not looking for a quick fix here.

[standtall]

Hef bro-sorry to say, but she's done checked out with this guy a long time ago. Steel yourself for what is to come.

[worldgonewrong]

The big problem is this:

Women stick at it, and try and try and try and hold it all together and convince themselves to stay and make the effort - until breaking point is reached, they have nothing left to give, no further fasith in the relationship, and they throw in the towel.

 

Not all women.

Some just are incapable of going the distance, period.

They're not all martyrs.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, WGW... you should know me by now. No, not all women... you know I would never be so narrow-minded as to paint everyone with such a broad brush.

 

However, that said, generally speaking, and having responded to many threads of this ilk, it seems to be an overly common trend.....

 

The amount of men who post threads which basically first post-wise, can be summarised as "My wife laid hints for a long time that something was wrong, I didn't listen, she gave up the ghost and now i want to try" is tantamount to a global tragedy.

 

'Women' need to express themselves more openly and effectively.

'Men' - need to sit up and take notice, and not leave it until it's too late....

[imtooconfused]

The amount of men who post threads which basically first post-wise, can be summarised as "My wife laid hints for a long time that something was wrong, I didn't listen, she gave up the ghost and now i want to try" is tantamount to a global tragedy.

 

TaraMaiden, I don't want to get into a fight with you because you are so right on almost everything, but... Those same threads that you speak of always end with the man saying he has changed/cleaned up his act and the wife comes back with "It's too late, I have already found someone else that meets my emotional needs." While I agree more men should pick up on the clues the wife is giving, the wife can't be excused for not expressing her problems with the relationship in anything more than a "hint."

 

It's just as unfair for a wife to have an emotional affair on a husband without giving the partner a reasonable chance at making corrections as it is for a man to have a sexual affair on a wife without giving his partner a chance to make corrections.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden, I don't want to get into a fight with you because you are so right on almost everything, but... Those same threads that you speak of always end with the man saying he has changed/cleaned up his act and the wife comes back with "It's too late, I have already found someone else that meets my emotional needs." While I agree more men should pick up on the clues the wife is giving, the wife can't be excused for not expressing her problems with the relationship in anything more than a "hint."

 

It's just as unfair for a wife to have an emotional affair on a husband without giving the partner a reasonable chance at making corrections as it is for a man to have a sexual affair on a wife without giving his partner a chance to make corrections.

 

I agree that nobody - husband or wife - should embark on any kind of affair, be it emotional OR physical, while married, even if the marriage is on it's knees.

That goes without saying, and it's deceitful and wrong.

 

But from a woman's point of view, by the time the man is ready to take that chance at making corrections, the woman has reached the point of no return.

 

It could BE her failure to communicate effectively.

It could BE his inability to pick up the signals.

It might BE that the woman has already tried to express her needs;

It might BE that the man has studiously ignored it, and not given it his proper attention.

 

My point is that, by the time the man is ready to make those efforts, the woman has exhausted all her options, and is not willing to waste more time waiting for him to get his act together.

And sadly, some men have done that - and some women have been convinced to remain - only to discover that the man then reverts back to old behaviour, ceases the effort and falls back into his 'old ways'.

And the woman then feels taken for granted, because he obvioulsy changed to keep her there, not to improve on his side of things permanently.

 

For a relationship to succeed, you MUST have three components - and they are absolutely vital and essential to the well-being and continuation of any good relationship:

 

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

If but one of these is damaged, like the legs on a tripod, the other two cannot adequately sustain the relationship on their own.

 

Communication was defective;

She cannot trust him to change in the best and most effective way, because he cannot guarantee permanence or a time-line;

She cannot respect a man that only promises to change once the chips are down and the dice are thrown.

 

The man only ever promises to change/clean up his act - once the very real threat of the marriage termination, is real.

Never before.

 

And sadly, no woman is prepared to sacrifice more of her time, patience, tolerance and commitment, to a completely unknown parameter.

 

Men and women both have affairs, but it may be that the reasons are different.

 

Men have the old joke of "My wife doesn't understand me". Generally speaking, men tend on the whole, to 'lust' after someone else more, for the variety and excitement it brings.

 

Generally speaking, for women, it's honestly a question of "My husband doesn't love or appreciate me the way I need him to."

 

And if he isn't giving her what she craves, needs and wants - waiting for him to change is just too much of a tall order.

 

That's 3 times it's happened to me.

Three.

So I speak from experience.

[M30USA]

Gotta love the classic cache-22 when a spouse complains you aren't making enough effort yet they sabotage and reject everything you try. Such people are either basketcases or they simply don't want to be with you anymore and make it APPEAR as if you are the source of all problems.

[TaraMaiden]

M30USA, we know your story, and we know you were justified, because we know your ex- was - and is - a mental case.

 

But don't pick up dear Woggle's baton, and turn into a bible-Bashing Misogynist.

 

You're (deliberately, I think) missing the point: (you're not stupid, after all....)

 

Why, if the situation can be so easily remedied by 'everything you try' - wasn't it all tried sooner when it mattered?

 

Why wait until the ultimatum arrives?

Why not contribute to the upkeep and maintenance of the relationship, when you should, rather than do so as a poorly-timed remedial factor when the horse has bolted?

 

Why is it not possible that actually, yeah - "You" ARE the source of all the problems?

[worldgonewrong]

I always see the onus put on the man to "change".

Rarely do I read stories where the man is begging the wife to change.

So it either means (a) the wife in 99% of all these stories is perfect, or (b) men are more accepting of women's flaws than vice versa.

[TaraMaiden]

No... I would never claim, nor agree that the wife is perfect.

 

But let's just throw a few things out there...

Why do so many affairs on here involve women/mistresses to married men?

And isn't one of the reasons women 'cry foul' is because their men have become 'lazy' with their affections, taking them for granted, becoming complacent, not making any effort to become more proactive in the relationship?

It appears that men get lulled into a comfort zone, and cease romancing their wives.

 

But I have always said - and you cannot deny this - that while 'blame' is proportional, the Responsibility for the maintenance and upkeep is up to the couple.

 

men become complacent because they think everything is fine and hunky dory.

Women become complacent because they gewt no encouragement or affection in the way they need.

 

 

I have already said - Communication is of paramount importance.

 

Women get sick and tired of talking to a wall.

men get sick and tired of hearing it, and feel that if it ain't broke, why fix it?

[Techie Artist]

I received a call from the wife and I told her i was heading a new direction and didn't want to tell her my plans and that I only wanted her to see it and it not be just words. She got very emotional and upset that I didn't do this sooner. We then had an emotional talk, but I could still sense the distraction there.

 

Glad you are taking the steps to remedy the distance you've perpetuated between yourself and your wife. You're blessed to have such a wise son. Yes, God is pretty amazing when you least expect it. While it is good that you're recognizing her needs and taking action now, it may very well be too late. I am in your wife's shoes, and I have to say that I waited the majority of my 10-yr marriage for my husband to hear me and ACT. Good luck. As for me, I'm going thru MC, but I have almost no faith anymore that we'll reconcile.

[2sunny]

Start exposing her cheating to everyone.

 

I'm sure she met him while traveling. I'm sure she's had sex with him. A man doesn't put those messages to a woman he's not intimate with.

 

And she never offered you her truth! You found evidence - yet she's still minimizing her involvement! She's cheating!

 

She needs consequences.

 

Start showing people the lying cheat that she really is!!!

 

And don't give her another minute of thinking she's a good woman - she's not!

 

Stop pretending she's great - a liar and cheater isn't a great person!

 

Make her have consequences by revealing to everyone what sneaky things she's been up to, and hurry!