Relationship Crisis

[PepperPotts]

Hi all--

 

I am in a long distance relationship that will be returning to local in less than three months. We have been distant for a year because of school.

 

Recently I have been having difficulty with our communication. I finally decided to confront my boyfriend about it yesterday. Last night, he confessed to me that he thinks I am insecure and needy. He believes that he cannot give me what I seem to need, and that even though I am the love of his life and we have been dating for over a year, our relationship might not be meant to be. This was terrifying and shocking to me, since I was perfectly happy and he had previously expressed that he had no doubts about us. I wasn't sure why he thought he was disappointing me. He has complained about me being insecure before, and this always surprised me. As an adult, I have not had difficulty being comfortable in my own skin and knowing who I am.

 

However, I began to Google clingyness and neediness today, and I was surprised and embarrassed to see that I do actually act *awful.* I feel terrible. I have expressed myself in ways that have made him feel like he isn't good enough and can't make me happy, when that wasn't what I meant at all. I might say "be safe getting home-- let me know when you make it" on a particularly icy night. He hears that I'm mothering him, when I'm just trying to express that I care about him. Or I might ask him when he will be back from a night out with friends-- I'm asking because I want to be able to plan for our bedtime phone chat, but he thinks I'm keeping tabs on him. I overapologize to keep the peace, and I was upset about our communication because I felt like he wasn't telling me things or responding to my texts.

 

I can absolutely see what he means now and I'm mortified. The way I express my love has led him to believe that he disappoints me constantly, and that I am super clingy and require him to be around all the time. He said he thinks I need someone who will be attached at the hip to me, which I didn't understand until today-- I wouldn't want anyone more attentive than he is. I want time to myself, and space to be independent.

 

There are multiple causes here. The most proximate one is that he recently began a new job that has reduced his ability to communicate with me by reducing his time and energy. The change made me try harder, which made me sound needier. It has been during this brief time period that we have both felt unhappy, as I was worried he was losing interest and he was worried he couldn't make me happy. In addition, in high school and college I lost close friends frequently due to moving or changing majors, so I know I fear losing him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, and I believe I probably express that too often.

 

I want to change my behavior. I believe that this will change once I move back to his state, but he isn't so sure. I need to retrain myself *now.* I wish I had known what was going on sooner (I think this has always been a part of our long distance relationship--nine months), and now that I do I want to try to stop acting so juvenile and salvage our relationship.

 

How can I act less needy and clingy? How can I let him know that I love him and appreciate everything he does without smothering him?

 

Clearly my communication skills are off, and my ability to work without a safety net :/

 

I would appreciate any and all advice. Thank you for reading this.

[bluegreen]

Hello Doll

Am glad I saw this post and am glad for a chance o respond to it.

First of all am going to say that if you really are sure you have an issue well congratulation to you for being honest enough and mature enough to addmit it. ( so many don't lie deny and fall flat on their faces )

 

Now what you said that you ask him to do I ask my s/o same and he grits his teeth at it but I tell him get used to being cared about or go and find some b... to roll with few times on bed.

 

But let me make something clear I will find someone who will apprechiate what I am what I am and what I do before you are even 20 feet away from my door.

 

Unless you follow that with 10 e mails and 20 texts IN NO WAY YOU ARE SMOTHERING HIM being in relationship MIGHT.

 

And don't you dare let him tell you that yeah it might annoy him and yeah he might not like it but actually there are guys who would kiss your sweet behind and kill for someone to "care that much".

 

Now hard question is does he trully care same way about you or this is his way of showing he is ready to run.

Does he act like just a guy sometimes and often stupid and not realize what a girl needs or you truly are hanging on to tight to him?

 

I suggest you find out and find out soon actually in your place I would tell him OK time out you-me take a little break yes I know it will tear your heart out but you can do it week or two see what happens.

 

He comes running and begging YOU GOT HIM

He does not and that means you might have already lost him long before you even tought of posting this.

 

All the best to you doll

HUGS ...

[PepperPotts]

Thanks for your response.

 

We actually had a big fight last weekend (on valentines day to be exact) wherein he snapped at me and said awful enough things that I thought he didn't love me anymore.

 

This was followed by a string of texts the next day begging for forgiveness. To keep a long story short, he made it clear he wants to be with me, so I don't think he just isn't into it anymore. This all started when he began a new job with a *minimum* hour commute, and more responsibilities. He's getting maybe five hours of sleep a night and maybe two hours of downtime after work.

 

His complaints are also 100% valid-- a lot of the behaviors are things I implemented when we went distant *on purpose* because I thought I needed to. Now I realize that the feelings I was trying to express are not at all what I was conveying.

[Els]

It's a little tough to help you, because I don't frankly see any definite examples of clingyness in your OP? Other than the over-apologizing (which is hardly a relationship-destroying thing). Your comments don't seem too far from par by course, unless you are insisting that he call you every single time he gets back or you ask for his exact schedule every single time he go out with friends, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. What are we missing here?

[PepperPotts]

Let me try to give some examples of the problem behaviors:

* Recently I have been texting more frequently to try to make up for the fact that I don't hear from him as much. I complained this weekend that I wait hours for a response, or don't get one at all.

* I apparently miss the social cues that it's time to get off the phone, making him think I don't respect the fact that he is barely getting sleep and needs to hang up.

* I will ask him to text me while he's out with friends. This is because he used to regularly do so-- he gets a little tipsy and he flirts, which I like. So to try to be friendly, I'll say "feel free to flirt if you get bored." It doesn't come across as friendly.

* I will "sound sad" when we hang up, because I am-- I never see him, and I'm usually tired when we talk, so it's sad when it's over. He takes this as he is disappointing me and I'm not happy, even though he's trying his best.

* I will ask over the phone or by text what he's up to today or tomorrow. I'm trying to show I'm interested in his life, he takes it as me keeping tabs on him.

 

He thinks I need someone who will spend ONLY time with me, which isn't true at all. I've made him think I'm unhappy and that I need him to be around 100% of the time.

 

So I don't really know what to do, because I'm apparently not expressing what I mean, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's going to give me a real chance to change. We have a weekend scheduled together in two weeks... if we can make it to there I feel like that will help a lot.

 

This just feels like it came from nowhere.

[bluegreen]

Let me try to give some examples of the problem behaviors:

* Recently I have been texting more frequently to try to make up for the fact that I don't hear from him as much. I complained this weekend that I wait hours for a response, or don't get one at all.

* I apparently miss the social cues that it's time to get off the phone, making him think I don't respect the fact that he is barely getting sleep and needs to hang up.

* I will ask him to text me while he's out with friends. This is because he used to regularly do so-- he gets a little tipsy and he flirts, which I like. So to try to be friendly, I'll say "feel free to flirt if you get bored." It doesn't come across as friendly.

* I will "sound sad" when we hang up, because I am-- I never see him, and I'm usually tired when we talk, so it's sad when it's over. He takes this as he is disappointing me and I'm not happy, even though he's trying his best.

* I will ask over the phone or by text what he's up to today or tomorrow. I'm trying to show I'm interested in his life, he takes it as me keeping tabs on him.

 

He thinks I need someone who will spend ONLY time with me, which isn't true at all. I've made him think I'm unhappy and that I need him to be around 100% of the time.

 

So I don't really know what to do, because I'm apparently not expressing what I mean, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's going to give me a real chance to change. We have a weekend scheduled together in two weeks... if we can make it to there I feel like that will help a lot.

 

This just feels like it came from nowhere.

 

O MY GOD

Doll get a clue PLS you are NOT doing anything wrong

I will be first to addmit my relationship is all but perfect but we both hate actually hate when we have to hang up on phone I hear it in his voice he hears it in mine !!!!

 

And yes we both are busy and sometimes running on fumes

OK fine i tease my boy to about girls yeah he gets bit grrr but he knows what I mean and no he does not make me pay for it.

 

Heck yeah I ask him to e mail me phone me come online its more like HABIT then order or puppy begging and he knows that to fact is "boys" need to get used to be in relationship.

And do this once they do you do not have to ask and even if you do they will not consider it AWFULL perhaps kind of cute and sign of love for them.

 

Why I say this because it was that way before now he drinks it up and loves it even if he is being cranky about it trust me half of it is more for show so he does not seem whipped. ( he actualy knows he is ) LOL

 

You are not doing anything wrong that loving caring gf would not do

HE IS and no matter what he says dig in and see whats happening because something is he got cold feet he does want you but not relationship or he is

"feeling guilty" about something and your care shames him and he acts up.

 

Come on doll don't let him make you into paranoid afraid to say BOO to him wreck he is not worth it no one is !!!

[Els]

Let me try to give some examples of the problem behaviors:

* Recently I have been texting more frequently to try to make up for the fact that I don't hear from him as much. I complained this weekend that I wait hours for a response, or don't get one at all.

 

How much is 'more frequently'? More importantly, how many unreciprocated texts do you send?

 

I think depending on the situation (if he is at work etc), a few hours is pretty normal to wait for a response.

 

* I apparently miss the social cues that it's time to get off the phone, making him think I don't respect the fact that he is barely getting sleep and needs to hang up.

 

I don't see why he doesn't just tell you that he needs to go?

 

* I will ask him to text me while he's out with friends. This is because he used to regularly do so-- he gets a little tipsy and he flirts, which I like. So to try to be friendly, I'll say "feel free to flirt if you get bored." It doesn't come across as friendly.

 

Okay, you probably need to stop this. If he does it off his own bat, that's one thing, but requesting for it every time does sound a little clingy.

 

* I will "sound sad" when we hang up, because I am-- I never see him, and I'm usually tired when we talk, so it's sad when it's over. He takes this as he is disappointing me and I'm not happy, even though he's trying his best.

 

How often/long do you talk?

 

* I will ask over the phone or by text what he's up to today or tomorrow. I'm trying to show I'm interested in his life, he takes it as me keeping tabs on him.

 

This is very normal and he needs to get used to it.

 

He thinks I need someone who will spend ONLY time with me, which isn't true at all. I've made him think I'm unhappy and that I need him to be around 100% of the time.

 

So I don't really know what to do, because I'm apparently not expressing what I mean, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's going to give me a real chance to change. We have a weekend scheduled together in two weeks... if we can make it to there I feel like that will help a lot.

 

This just feels like it came from nowhere.

 

Yeah, LDRs are tough in that you can't just have a face-to-face conversation about important stuff when you want. In your situation I would wait for the weekend before talking about this with him. If he can't wait til then then I'm not sure you want to be investing so heavily in this R because it sounds like he isn't. I'm not convinced based on your post that the rift in your R is solely your fault. It does sound like you can improve in some ways, but so can he.

[PepperPotts]

Thanks for your response, Elswyth. I definitely agree with you on waiting until the weekend to discuss it further-- he was in a bad car accident Monday and so is even *more* stressed.

 

With the texts, I don't expect him to text me back at work. But I will send a text in the evening or on a weekend and I won't get a response. As for talking, we talk every night. It's down to five to ten minutes a night which is fine, it's just a major change.

 

I don't think it's all my fault either, if for no other reason than he hasn't been clear with me about these things until now. and the issues are definitely fixable, if he will just accept that I can and will.

 

I really believe the main problem here is stress from the job, plus a bit of cold feet because our move is getting so lose. But our relationship has been so wonderful until now-- it's scary and painful to have this much strain and uncertainty in it.

[PepperPotts]

Ok, update:

 

I have done a lot of thinking and reading, and have come to terms with giving him a lot of space. I believe it's been helping-- half the time now he sounds happy to talk to me, and happy about our upcoming weekend together.

 

I realize "half the time" sounds bad, but it's better than the "not at all" it was the previous week.

 

I have also accepted that this is not all my fault, or even all *our* fault. His insecurities are majorly at play, but our stress levels are out of control, and that's the main problem.

 

Taking space has been helpful because it's been *hard* especially at first, and I think that when that's the case it's an indication that you really need breathing room at least as much as he does, you know? I mean, the whole thing is making me as insecure as he believed I was before. For example, he didn't answer my call a few nights ago and I started to worry. In the end, he'd fallen asleep and was very apologetic. But I had jumped to conclusions and panicked (he doesn't know that though-- I played it very cool).

 

I now recognize that I deal poorly with uncertainty, so I've been trying to make our relationship more steady to compensate for not having a job yet, and worrying about the bar exam. I need one thing to be rock solid, and we were before.

 

At this point, it's just a question of how to deal with the enormous amount of stress we're under, and how to get him to understand that the stress is the problem right now, not our love (though I realize I likely can do nothing about this). I have briefly considered asking his mother for advice, but I have dismissed that idea as likely inappropriate.

 

I truly believe the problem is stress, as nothing else has changed except for the new, stressful situation. And I think he sees our relationship as the one thing he still has control over. I also think he sees it as the biggest stressor in his life-- the rest of the things are things he should just be able to deal with as a man, so I must be the problem.

 

For the sake of detail, here's a general description of what he's been dealing with:

1. New job

2. In the wrong location

3. With new responsibilities, including duties he has no experience with (and he's a perfectionist)

4. With much longer hours

5. Plus an hour or more commute, and a general hatred of driving

6. He had been told his old company (where he dreamed of working long term) was not hiring permanently, but the day after he began his new job they hired his old, lazy coworker-- the boss could only hire one of them and decided to just wait and see who was left

7. He totaled his car (see number 5, which has now worsened)

8. He had to buy a new one and now has an unexpected car payment

9. He will be getting different work duties again in two weeks

10. He needs to find an apartment

11. I am moving there in 70 days and he is getting cold feet

12. He is averaging 5.5 hours of sleep a night

13. And living with his mother for now

14. Meanwhile I'm complaining that he's stopped communicating.

 

Most of these things will resolve themselves within the next month as he moves and finishes the adjustment period. Sorry this is so long, and thank you all for listening to me. I'm all ears for any advice on dealing with this.

 

Oh, and we will have a weekend together in nine days... Any advice on not screwing that up/wasting that opportunity is also much appreciated.

[Els]

I have also accepted that this is not all my fault, or even all *our* fault. His insecurities are majorly at play, but our stress levels are out of control, and that's the main problem.

 

External circumstances certainly do make relationships harder, especially LDRs where your options for dealing with them together are so limited. I totally feel you there.

 

For example, he didn't answer my call a few nights ago and I started to worry. In the end, he'd fallen asleep and was very apologetic. But I had jumped to conclusions and panicked (he doesn't know that though-- I played it very cool).

 

Ha, you sound like me.

 

I now recognize that I deal poorly with uncertainty, so I've been trying to make our relationship more steady to compensate for not having a job yet, and worrying about the bar exam. I need one thing to be rock solid, and we were before.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from; it's good that you realized early on that you're making this mistake. A relationship can't be our sole anchor-point in life - it's unhealthy and takes its toll on the R itself.

 

At this point, it's just a question of how to deal with the enormous amount of stress we're under, and how to get him to understand that the stress is the problem right now, not our love (though I realize I likely can do nothing about this). I have briefly considered asking his mother for advice, but I have dismissed that idea as likely inappropriate.

 

Definitely inappropriate, the mother idea.

 

Unfortunately I don't have an easy solution on how to deal with the stress, except for being understanding, communicating honestly, and putting in individual effort to deal with it.

 

Most of these things will resolve themselves within the next month as he moves and finishes the adjustment period. Sorry this is so long, and thank you all for listening to me. I'm all ears for any advice on dealing with this.

 

If you feel this R is worth the investment, ride the rough times out and see how things are in a month's time.

 

Oh, and we will have a weekend together in nine days... Any advice on not screwing that up/wasting that opportunity is also much appreciated.

 

Now you REALLY sound like me. Why are you so afraid that you will screw it up?

 

It's common for people in LDRs (or at least for me) to want to make every visit in a LDR 'perfect', because they are rare. But that ends up putting more pressure on the R, which might actually make things worse.

 

One personal question, hope you don't mind: Do you generally experience a lot of anxiety or a strong need for things to be perfect/precisely the way you feel they need to be, in other aspects of your life?

[PepperPotts]

Thank you, Elswyth... I've been reading back through Men are from Mars and trying to remain my calm, but I'm just terrified, all the time. We simply aren't *close* anymore. He simply won't communicate.

 

I plan tonight to say "I still love you every but as much as I did before. I still want you every but as much as I did before. And I will always love you, and will always be there for you. I am here for you if and how you need me. I know things have been really stressful, but I believe we can get through this together." I am hoping that goes over well.

 

I really believe this relationship is worth the effort. We were together (living together) in real life, but then he graduated and moved home to find work. Our intention was to be apart for just this year, and then I would follow him in May. I'm having trouble grasping how a relationship as serious and lengthy as ours went down hill in two weeks.

 

I feel bad about it, but I also feel encouraged that his Facebook activity has completely stopped in the last week. Its no longer just me that he's pulling away from.

 

To answer your question (I absolutely don't mind), no. My life has had enough sudden changes in it that I've found that expecting or wanting things to be perfect is just a good way to set myself up for being disappointed. I do, however, tend to go into a "frenzy" as our family calls it (we all do it) when something is on my mind. If there's a problem, I want to fix it. Now. I realize that is often unrealistic.

[PepperPotts]

I'm also a little bit confused about how to go about giving someone space. I've backed off considerably on communication (I send maybe two texts a day and am keeping the phone calls under 5 minutes) but I don't know if that's giving space or just withdrawing. Cutting off all communication feels a little dramatic, but I want to make sure I'm giving him what he needs.

[Els]

Thank you, Elswyth... I've been reading back through Men are from Mars and trying to remain my calm, but I'm just terrified, all the time. We simply aren't *close* anymore. He simply won't communicate.

 

I plan tonight to say "I still love you every but as much as I did before. I still want you every but as much as I did before. And I will always love you, and will always be there for you. I am here for you if and how you need me. I know things have been really stressful, but I believe we can get through this together." I am hoping that goes over well.

 

I've said this before and I'll say it again: I think you are blaming yourself too much and putting all the onus on you to fix this. But a R doesn't work like that, it needs both people to put effort in. Yes, you may have screwed up a little before, and it's good that you took the initiative to break the vicious cycle. But he needs to put effort into that as well.

 

My advice is that you have done enough for this R by working on your insecurities and anxiety. Now sit back and see what he does.

 

To answer your question (I absolutely don't mind), no. My life has had enough sudden changes in it that I've found that expecting or wanting things to be perfect is just a good way to set myself up for being disappointed. I do, however, tend to go into a "frenzy" as our family calls it (we all do it) when something is on my mind. If there's a problem, I want to fix it. Now. I realize that is often unrealistic.

 

Ah, yes, that's what I meant when I asked the question. It's good that you're thinking about it and how to temper these tendencies in general. It's much easier said than done IME. I've progressed a fair bit myself but have a long way to go.

 

I'm also a little bit confused about how to go about giving someone space. I've backed off considerably on communication (I send maybe two texts a day and am keeping the phone calls under 5 minutes) but I don't know if that's giving space or just withdrawing. Cutting off all communication feels a little dramatic, but I want to make sure I'm giving him what he needs.

 

It's not so much about the actual amount as the relative reciprocation. If you stopped calling and texting, would he call/text you at all? Why do you feel that you backing off further would be 'cutting off all communication"?

 

FWIW I don't know too many LDRs that keep their calls to <5 minutes a day unless they absolutely have to for external reasons.

[PepperPotts]

He was a little more open and happy to talk to me last night (I did not say what I planned to but just went with the flow), and remembered that I have a job interview today, so it's getting a little better. I think he can tell I am making an effort and appreciates that I'm trying to be more respectful of his time.

 

What I need him to do now is work through the stress and adjustment, and that's something he has to do on his own, I know. We still need to work on his fears about the move, but that needs to be done together. I pick him up at the airport in a week, so hopefully we can do it then.

 

I do consider the five minute calls externally necessary. Before, we would talk for about forty five minutes. However, a lot of that was him complaining about people at his old job and me complaining about my course load at school. I am now down to fourteen hours and he is now in a place where his job is stressful, but his coworkers are supportive-- when we talk he has less than ten hours before he has to be back at work, so he really just wants to forget about it. We would also talk about tv shows and the news, but he now can't watch what we used to watch together until Friday nights, so that's no good. That means we're down to maybe ten minutes of our old conversation material anyway (we could talk forever in person or just enjoy being together, but neither one of us are big phone people).

 

He's getting up at 5am and not getting home until around 6, on a very good day. He lives at home, so it's then time for dinner with his mother until around 7, 7:30 or 8 if she wants to go out. His evening routine (preparing a suit and an emergency go bag, religious things, hygiene) takes 45 minutes to an hour, so we're up to 8:00 on the easiest day of his week. He will talk to me at 9:30 and then go to bed, so he has an hour and a half of decompression time. on a bad day, he has none. He will inevitably fail to fall asleep until midnight or later because he is stressed. Keeping it to five minutes is what I need to do to make sure the conversation doesn't feel like a chore and to make sure it isn't contributing to his lack of sleep.

 

I don't think it's possible for me to temper the frenzy tendencies! I've tried but it's hard!!

 

And I think communication would be cut off because he would ask why I wasn't calling, and when I told him he would likely try to "respect my wishes" and skip calling me as well. And I doubt I would get many texts because there's about a two hour window where he can text me, and we generally talk right after.

[ExpatInItaly]

You've clearly spent a long time analyzing this, and coming up with various reasons why things haven't been going well. It doesn't take an expert to see the anxiety this is causing you.

 

You've done what you can do, and seemed to have blamed mostly yourself. Honestly, I've been there...but I've come to realize that was my way of trying to regain control of the situation, and I was telling myself I was the problem and therefore I was the solution. That simply wasn't entirely true, but I was so scared and sad at the thought of it ending that I didn't know what else to do.

 

It takes two to tango. He needs to want to continue the relationship. Full stop.