Can't breathe.

[kellyca]

Hi- first of all, thanks for listening.

 

I have been married for 6 years the last couple have not been very enjoyable due to numerous life events.

 

Eight months ago I met a guy online. He was also married. He seemed nice enough so we began chatting. This soon became a multiple times a day occurrance and we began to confide in each other.

 

It went from being something strictly online, then skype was added, then phone. Before us finally meeting each other this year. It was great. Both of us loved every second of it and the only regret is that we did not sleep together.

 

Long story short my marriage imploded a couple of weeks ago. My husband is abusive and my AP has been hugely supportive of me through it all.

 

Then last week he dropped the bomb that he feels it is not right for him to be happily married and doing what we are doing.

One, I don't think he can be happily married if he has spend 8 months talking to me for at least 3 hours a day.

Two, I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, inadequate, blaming myself. the list goes on.

 

What do I do here? Let him walk? fight for him? If he goes will he come back?

 

Thank you for helping someone who is lost and lonely.

[BrokenPrincess]

Are you still with your H? Are you safe?

[wanting more]

If your H is abusive LEAVE!!! Don't fight for your AP, if he wanted to be with you, he'd have left his W to be with you. I know it's not easy but neither one of these men are good for you.

[whichwayisup]

Focus on ending your marriage and getting away from your husband if he is that abusive. You can't rely on another man, let alone a MM (married man) to make you feel better or heal you. This man is married and just because you two chatted online for 8 months, for many hours a day doesn't mean he is going to give up his marriage and all that he knows and loves for someone he really doesn't know that well, even if he has feelings for you. What you two shared vs his marriage, the life he has built with his wife - Sorry but he isn't going to give it up for you.

 

He may be lonely at times and you provided him friendship and excitement. Flirting and fun - but that doesn't mean his marriage is on the rocks. It means there is something inside of him that is missing.

 

Please, leave him alone, respect his choice to end things with you and focus on either fixing your marriage by going to counseling with your H or ending your marriage so you can find someone who will love only you.

[kellyca]

No, my husband and I are getting divorced. I have to remind myself I didn't end my marriage for my AP, but for my own sake.

 

Just so much hurt right now.

[whichwayisup]

No, my husband and I are getting divorced. I have to remind myself I didn't end my marriage for my AP, but for my own sake.

 

Just so much hurt right now.

 

Last thing you need is to continue an A with a MM, even if it's mostly online. You are leaving an abusive marriage so certainly you're not in a healthy place to pursue someone else and having a healthy relationship, especially with the MM. Who isn't leaving his wife.

 

Talk to your friends and family, keep busy and do all that you can to stay away from the married guy. He isn't yours to pursue. Put yourself in his wife's shoes, imagine how she would feel. Do you really want to be a part of helping him cheat and betray his wife? DO they have children?

[kellyca]

I know. my head is telling me one thing and my emotions are telling me another. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to ruin another marriage. I am just not ready.

[stevie_23]

I’m VERY glad you’re getting yourself out of your abusive marriage. That is the first step.

 

During these 8 months with your MM, did he ever express the intention to leave his own marriage? If so, then why has this changed now you’re leaving your’s? Did it scare him because now the reality is, you two CAN be together if he wants to? Or it suddenly became too real for him now you’re free and he does not want to leave his marriage and comfort zone?

 

I’m sorry about this. The first step, as I said, is to get away from this marriage and start being ok being independent.

 

Above all, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR **ANY** OF THE ACTIONS OF EITHER MAN.

[kellyca]

He never indicated to me that he would leave his wife. I never asked him to and never expected it. He just wants to cut off all contact.

 

I can't help but wonder what I did wrong here in both situations..

[Lillyfree]

MM found something in you that was missing in his primary relationship. you were married and therefore 'safe' to an extent. once you separated from your husband it all got a little bit too real.

 

he was never going to leave. and he is not unhappy, no matter how many hours per day he spent talking to you. OM and I were in constant contact with eachother for months. there were times when i thought to myself that he wouldn't be doing that if everything was fine in his relationship. and it wasn't, but his relationship was good enough for him to want to stay there.

 

there is nothing to 'fight for' here. you need to concentrate first on healing yourself, and that will take a while. and you need to sort out your own marriage/separation. MM is where he wants to be.

[JourneyLady]

You feel betrayed? Think about what his wife must feel - after all, you did say *happily* married. So he has no excuses.

 

I understand you need support at this time, but perhaps if you find a support group that would be a much much better way to go, because the friends you make there won't have to leave you. Depression support groups are one idea. Maybe the local battered women's shelter has information on an abused woman's support group.

 

Don't date yet either - at least until the divorce is final. Having been abused, you may attract another abuser pretty quickly. Wait until you are fully recovered and doing well.

Good luck.

[kellyca]

It just took so much for me to let him in. I didn't want to get emotionally involved with anyone. And now I am sitting here sobbing.

[Decorative]

MM found something in you that was missing in his primary relationship. you were married and therefore 'safe' to an extent. once you separated from your husband it all got a little bit too real.

 

he was never going to leave. and he is not unhappy, no matter how many hours per day he spent talking to you. OM and I were in constant contact with eachother for months. there were times when i thought to myself that he wouldn't be doing that if everything was fine in his relationship. and it wasn't, but his relationship was good enough for him to want to stay there.

 

there is nothing to 'fight for' here. you need to concentrate first on healing yourself, and that will take a while. and you need to sort out your own marriage/separation. MM is where he wants to be.

 

Not necessarily missing in his primary relationship.

 

More likely something missing in him.

 

Which is all the more reason for her to stay away and take no contact as a gift.

[MissBee]

Hi- first of all, thanks for listening.

 

I have been married for 6 years the last couple have not been very enjoyable due to numerous life events.

 

Eight months ago I met a guy online. He was also married. He seemed nice enough so we began chatting. This soon became a multiple times a day occurrance and we began to confide in each other.

 

It went from being something strictly online, then skype was added, then phone. Before us finally meeting each other this year. It was great. Both of us loved every second of it and the only regret is that we did not sleep together.

 

Long story short my marriage imploded a couple of weeks ago. My husband is abusive and my AP has been hugely supportive of me through it all.

 

Then last week he dropped the bomb that he feels it is not right for him to be happily married and doing what we are doing.

One, I don't think he can be happily married if he has spend 8 months talking to me for at least 3 hours a day.

Two, I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, inadequate, blaming myself. the list goes on.

 

What do I do here? Let him walk? fight for him? If he goes will he come back?

 

Thank you for helping someone who is lost and lonely.

 

You can't fight for him. I don't know what you mean really, but I'm sure it won't work, whatever it is. If someone says they no longer want to be in a R, especially an affair, they have that right and you can't "fight" for them to change their mind. You have to let him walk.

 

Did you guys ever discuss leaving your marriages? If not, then as most As go, it couldn't go on forever. Either you leave to be with each other or you part ways.

 

You were going through a tough time and so many people seek comfort in relationships/affairs during this time. But usually, it's an illusion, as the relationship is built around an escape from whatever horrible/boring other thing they don't want to face. I think you both used each other during those 8 months as an escape and as it goes...at some point someone "wises up".

 

I am sorry that you are lost and lonely. I think your priority is to get away from your abusive husband and work on yourself and not use a man as a bandaid. Get support from family and friends in leaving your marriage and I'd even get some counseling to help process everything. But simply being with a new man, worse a married one, isn't solving anything.

[Decorative]

It just took so much for me to let him in. I didn't want to get emotionally involved with anyone. And now I am sitting here sobbing.

 

I am sorry you are upset.

 

But this is a good thing.

 

When you feel health and strong you will realize that being part of an affair is not a healthy emotional choice.

[Lillyfree]

It just took so much for me to let him in. I didn't want to get emotionally involved with anyone. And now I am sitting here sobbing.

 

i'm so sorry you're hurting kelly... but it will get better.

 

you're only a few days in, and the hurt is crippling. you just need to work through each day at a time, after a couple more weeks you will feel better... to an extent. that's when reality started hitting for me, and a lot of things that MM was saying to you might take on a new meaning.

and then it will be a different kind of pain.

 

i'm at 3.5 months point since it ended. i'm still with my husband, still undecided where it will go.

you are not only dealing with the end of your A, but also an ending to an abusive marriage.

 

be kind to yourself and see if you can see a counsellor. you will need help to get through this.

[stevie_23]

YOU did nothing wrong. The fact your husband has abusive tendencies is nothing to do with you. Your only fault is you let him treat you in that unacceptable way for however long, but this is understandable. There are a billion reasons why people who love an abusive person stay for too long.

 

The fact your ex-MM has chosen to leave the affair is also nothing to do with you. It is everything to do with his own life and situation and his choices within that.

 

And I agree with Lillyfree, that he was happy enough (but obviously not really happy or he wouldn’t have been in an affair in the first place) in his comfort zone marriage, and never wanted to disrupt that. When you became more available, he ran away because now you’re not on the same equal footing, both not available, etc. Too scary. Too confronting. Too risky. Too complicated. The situation and how it relates to his own life and the impact it'd have on it. Not YOU personally.

[kellyca]

The worst part in some ways is that he is not just leaving. He's talking about leaving. So he's still around and I keep feeling like I am saying the wrong things. In some ways it's exhausting.

[stevie_23]

Uh oh. See, this is selfish on his part. Telling you he plans to / wants to end the affair but he’s not actually doing it at this point? Why not?

 

Again, this is all HIS choice. Whatever he does. You are in such a vulnerable position right now in terms of your marriage ending, having been with an abusive partner, and now this man stringing you along. He is taking advantage of you. And again, this is NOT your fault or your responsibility. There is nothing right or wrong that you could say to him that would change what he ultimately chooses to do with his life (and unfortunately it also impacts YOUR life).

[Minnie09]

He just wants to keep the status quo and make sure you're not jeopardizing his primary life. Now that your separating, he may feel threatened and afraid that you might want more. And he won't risk that.

[Lillyfree]

he could be making sure you know your place as the other woman. now that your situation is changed he doesn't want you to think that there's any hope of him leaving his marriage to be with you.

 

OR he could be a coward and wants you to end it.

 

either way, this man is not worth your time.

you have so much to sort out regarding your life at the moment. dead-end affair should be the first thing to go.

[kellyca]

And the part that is bizarre is he was encouraging me to leave my husband. Wanted me to get out.

 

He's still telling me he loves me. then in the next sentence he says he has to leave. One minute because he is happily married, the next to "save his marriage".

 

I can't keep up. I genuinely think he wants to leave but he isn't doing it, so I don't know...

[kellyca]

It literally went from planning a meeting to him wanting out in the space of 24 hours.

[Ellin]

I'm so sorry you're hurting Kelly. You have so much crap in your life to deal with.

 

I too think that things has become too real for your MM now that you're ending your M. He might fear that when you're single you will expect more from him or that the A will be more likely to be discovered, since you won't worry any more about getting caught by your H.

 

MM has not yet ended the A, only talking about it. He might carry on that way for some time, then either stop or continue the A. But what do you want?

 

I imagine that MM gave you strength to leave your abusive H. Now that you're doing it he's withdrawing his support. It must feel like betrayal to you. When he was supporting you in deciding to get a D it must have been a very important factor in your decision. Maybe you more or less consciously hoped that MM will always be in your life and eventually leave his W. It's natural to have these hopes.

 

Now it must feel so hard to continue with the D, you are probably very confused. If MM weren't in your life, would you like to stay in the abusive M? If your answer is no, then you're doing the right thing for yourself, regardless of what MM will do. You just need to find strength and support elsewhere, be it a counselor, friends, family.

 

As for MM he might yet stay in touch with you and if he does, it might help you feel better in a short term, but in the long term it could just prolong the heartbreak, as A are prone to turning into painful roller coaster rides.

 

Hang in there, Kelly, take it one day at a time and get some help, find someone to work through your difficult emotions in regards to both men. You need a lot of help.

[kellyca]

I definitely think that there is some crossover between both men and my emotions. MM thinks that because I am upset I am not accepting of his decision to work on his marriage. And you are right it does feel like he is pulling away his support just when I need it most.