Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Then there's songs, places, things. They are all triggers. This hurts so badly. NC means you avoid all of that. Don't listen to the music, etc. If you do this and if you do not break NC you will get better very quickly. If you break NC sporadically you will be hurting for a much longer time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 Easier said than done. Our dogs have the same name for christ's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Easier said than done. Our dogs have the same name for christ's sake. It is incredibly hard. Very few people can do absolute NC. However, it should be your goal. Good luck! Start today. Let this guy know you do not want anymore contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 This is so hard. I hurt so much. I feel like a piece of trash that he is just discarding. I'm wondering if two things would be OK. Whenever I want to initiate contact I post here instead. And anything I want to say to him I say here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 This is so hard. I hurt so much. I feel like a piece of trash that he is just discarding. I'm wondering if two things would be OK. Whenever I want to initiate contact I post here instead. And anything I want to say to him I say here. Many women have done that and it works. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 He messaged me right now. I made a joke and he didn't appreciate it. His sense of humor has vanished. Nothing I say is appropriate anymore. I hate the way that this is ending. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Then end it right now, your way, on your own terms. It’s dying a slow and painful death by itself, but only if you let it. If you cut contact, as hard as that is to do (and I know how hard, believe me), it will be better than how you feel now, because you cannot go backwards. You won’t be able to go back to what you had and what you felt with this man before. It’s all downhill from here and it will just damage you more if you don’t end it cleanly NOW yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Then end it right now, your way, on your own terms. It’s dying a slow and painful death by itself, but only if you let it. If you cut contact, as hard as that is to do (and I know how hard, believe me), it will be better than how you feel now, because you cannot go backwards. You won’t be able to go back to what you had and what you felt with this man before. It’s all downhill from here and it will just damage you more if you don’t end it cleanly NOW yourself. I feel so whiney. I don't want to end it. I want him in my life. I want to talk to him. Urgh. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I feel so whiney. I don't want to end it. I want him in my life. I want to talk to him. Urgh. Have you seen this guy in person? Did you have sex with him? You seem very intense about this relationship. Could this be too much for a married man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Have you seen this guy in person? Did you have sex with him? You seem very intense about this relationship. Could this be too much for a married man? Yes, we have seen each other. No, we did not have sex, but fooled around. (A mutual decision). He said after our meeting his only regret is that we did not have sex. It is very intense. I have talked to him numerous times a day for the past eight months (Most of the time, with him initiating). Maybe it's too much for him, but he has been a part of this too. I just don't get how he can still be professing his love for me, but want to leave as well. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Sometimes you need to try to separate love from actual actions and needs in a relationship, and ESPECIALLY an affair relationship when the needs each affair partner has in their respective lives in order to be happy and even to survive are at times in direct contradiction to the love they feel for their affair partner. He is able to love you but still feel the need to not be with you for his own sake. For YOUR own sake, it’s best if he’s not with you either. But he’s not selfless enough to leave for your benefit, so you have to be the one to do it. I know you want him still to be with you. But as I said, it’s not going to be how it was before. You’ve past that point and there’s no looking back now, no matter how much you wish it was so. The only way forward is… (a) He leaves his marriage and comes to be with you “full time”. Do you want that? (b) He stays in his marriage, remains somewhat undecided about exactly what he wants in terms of your relationship and strings you along (because you let him) for however long before leaving you properly, which will leave you heartbroken and worse off than you are now © He decides to leave you properly now and you try to move on (d) He decides he CAN have his cake and eat it too somehow on a permanent basis and stays with you because it’s easy, he sees after a while that you pose no thread to the stability of his existing life, and kind of “uses” you for enjoyment, sex, whatever else…you meanwhile can also “use” him for support, comfort, whatever…but this WILL be damaging to you emotionally in many ways Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 It is very intense. I have talked to him numerous times a day for the past eight months (Most of the time, with him initiating). Affair relationships tend to be much more intense, that has been a very consistent observation. You probably never had a relationship with this much intensity. Anyway, you need to slow down just a bit; this is not good for you. Maybe it's too much for him, but he has been a part of this too. I just don't get how he can still be professing his love for me, but want to leave as well. The bold part is very typical, don't feel bad. I have observed the same MANY times before. There is a simple explanation: Yes, he is in love with you. But he is operating in different compartments. Within the affair compartment he is madly in love with you, but this love does not do well outside the affair compartment. For you this romance was ALL you had. Your marriage was or is over. You were not loving him within the affair bubble (or compartment). However, for him it is different, he has another life with his wife. He had to create another compartment to love you. He is sincere in his love, but affair love clashes with the reality of his marriage unless he can keep the two compartments completely independent of each other. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I know plenty of women who were in abusive relationships and they didn't turn to another and cheat. That is an excuse..."my bf/SO/H was abusive so I found love somewhere else". That's trying to validate the cheating. I knew what I said would come across badly. lol. I meant that from the OP's perspective, after having been so disrespected and unloved and abused for so long, she wouldn't necessarily have the same outlooks as she should, and as most people do. I wasn't saying cheating in general is acceptable or not as bad morally here as it is in any other "normal" marriage, but from HER point of view, clearly her husband didn't exactly care for her or their marriage very much if he treated her that way. And yes, in a way cheating as a form of REVENGE would be stooping to the same low level as her husband, but that's not why she did it. She was lost, scared, ALONE...and vulnerable to the developing feelings. And that little voice that we all have that mostly would tell you NOT to act on those feelings or pursue them or explore them because you're married, you love your spouse, you respect your spouse and you just don't cheat on your spouse...would be either non-existent or very quiet. Forming a bond with someone who is actually GOOD to you when your own husband treats you so poorly is a comfort, a coping mechanism and yes, it's still wrong, but I think it's MORE understandable (if not excusable) than cheating in a "normal" marriage that is not abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellin Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Stevie, I think your post was perfectly clear, sensible and easy to understand Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Oh! Thank you, Ellin! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Thank you all for your feedback. It's been somewhat helpful to realize that I have to put myself first in this situation. Maybe I have gotten too invested in this relationship. It's really the first time I have ever felt that someone cared about me. Anyway I think today is going to be the day that it ends. I am already crying about it. I am trying to be strong and realize that this is the best thing that can happen. I just know my soon to be ex-husband is going to love that this has blown up in my face. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 That's good. Stay strong and don't play victim and you will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Who cares what your ex H thinks. His opinion about this really doesn't matter all things considering! What counts is finding peace and happiness for you and ending the A, getting counseling is a first big step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Thanks everyone. I will let you know how it goes later. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Girl..........Your man picker is broken and yes mine used to be. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be alone, seek some therapy and figure out why you've been making bad choices in regards to men. The sooner you break this pattern, the better your life and your future relationships will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Girl..........Your man picker is broken and yes mine used to be. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be alone, seek some therapy and figure out why you've been making bad choices in regards to men. The sooner you break this pattern, the better your life and your future relationships will be. Oh, it's never worked. The stories I could tell! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Oh, it's never worked. The stories I could tell! It's madness to keep doing the same thing with the same result. Time to put on your big girl panties. You can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 It's really the first time I have ever felt that someone cared about me. I am trying to be strong and realize that this is the best thing that can happen. I just know my soon to be ex-husband is going to love that this has blown up in my face. Who cares what your ex-H thinks about anything? He’s out of the picture. He never cared about you and anyone who is abusive is immature, self-indulgent, troubled and lacking respect for others as well as themselves. His opinion of anything to do with you and the events of your life? IRRELEVANT. As far as what you said about your MM being the first time you’d ever felt cared for by someone…this is sad, but unfortunately not uncommon. You’ve been abused. You’ve been with someone who SHOULD have loved you and respected you and cherished you more than ANYONE else in the world, but he didn’t. But it’s over now (or very soon). You are a worthwhile person, a person worthy of love and respect. A LOT of people will care about you, but it doesn’t mean they are necessarily GOOD for you. This MM has not fully committed to you at this point, and that’s fine, it’s his choice, he IS married after all, but the fact he knows you haven’t been treated right and are in this vulnerable place (and has been supporting you through it), if he was a STRONG man, he would either commit if that’s what he wants, or he would let you go. He seems to be a bit selfish, and again, ok, that’s not the worst thing in the world, but do YOU want, once again, to not be treated how you deserve? Like the most loved and cherished and wanted woman on the planet? That’s what you SHOULD and CAN have. With the right person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 So after thinking yesterday was going to be it, turns out he is still talking to me. (I know, I know, I should cut him off, but I genuinely care about him). So today I sent him this message "Of course I know that your wife doesn't know you are here. I've been holding back on some of my feelings because I know how difficult this situation is for you. I am married too. (granted not happily, and not for much longer). I feel that you have played an important role in me realizing I had the strength to leave an abusive situation. You know more intimate details about me than most people do. If the fact I am on anti-depressants troubles you after losing my dad, two miscarriages and an abusive marriage, I am sorry. I feel like this pattern we have been on over the past week, while I am already vulnerable plays into memories and feelings I don't like. In this relationship that you and I have had we have never played games, and always been honest. Neither of us have made unfair or had unreasonable expectations." To which he replied: "Honey, I have never and will never play games. Don't assume, either that anti-depressants troubles me either. I know all that about you. You are grasping for some concrete reason, and there is none except for continual risk of exposure to wife. I'ts something we have always faced since day one. My care and concern for you has not changed. I need to refocus my energy on my wife and family". WTF? So he's basically telling me, I have served my purpose and now he's done? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 It may be just exactly as he says.....that it's over because he wants his marriage/wife. The reasons don't matter so much but what matters is it's over. The sooner you come to grips with that and go NC the sooner you will put the focus on yourself and what needs to be done. So after thinking yesterday was going to be it, turns out he is still talking to me. (I know, I know, I should cut him off, but I genuinely care about him). So today I sent him this message "Of course I know that your wife doesn't know you are here. I've been holding back on some of my feelings because I know how difficult this situation is for you. I am married too. (granted not happily, and not for much longer). I feel that you have played an important role in me realizing I had the strength to leave an abusive situation. You know more intimate details about me than most people do. If the fact I am on anti-depressants troubles you after losing my dad, two miscarriages and an abusive marriage, I am sorry. I feel like this pattern we have been on over the past week, while I am already vulnerable plays into memories and feelings I don't like. In this relationship that you and I have had we have never played games, and always been honest. Neither of us have made unfair or had unreasonable expectations." To which he replied: "Honey, I have never and will never play games. Don't assume, either that anti-depressants troubles me either. I know all that about you. You are grasping for some concrete reason, and there is none except for continual risk of exposure to wife. I'ts something we have always faced since day one. My care and concern for you has not changed. I need to refocus my energy on my wife and family". WTF? So he's basically telling me, I have served my purpose and now he's done? Link to post Share on other sites
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