Author kellyca Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 If it's over, why won't he leave. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Kellyca; Okay, this..."As suspected. Contact last night, contact this morning. Being ours is a mostly long-distance / online affair he instututed a no-nudity policy this morning." And this, "Anytime I mention how much he is breaking my heart, he just tells me I don't understand." And finally, this, "I wish I was strong enough to say FU but I don't want to lose him. I want him to come back." I know that you truly love this MM. I do not refute your feelings* But I gotta say, per the above " " (and more things you wrote that he said), this MM kinda sounds like a jerk. You ENTIRE World is twisted into an upside-down pretzel and you are in a million little pieces of broken-heartedness and he says the above?!?! Completely Selfish! And I'm a BW!! Kellyca, as Lady Grey wrote, as much as you want to lay down and die right now, it's ACTUALLY TIME to pull on your "big girl pants"!!! Think of all the tomorrows you are going to have. YEARS WORTH!! How do you want to spend them? Will you remain "stuck" in this perpetual world of heartbreak never healing to enjoy the short life you have here? OR are you going to stand up, shake off the "poor me's" (for now), Throw some dirt on it and GET STARTED with YOUR brand new life where you will No Longer Allow yourself to be the victim of your bad behavior OR OTHERS? I KNOW women are SO much stronger than they realize. I LOVE to forget I can take care of myself and solve my own problems and allow myself to play the victim (whether I am or Not) so others will coddle me. I AM AFTER ALL a delicate rose, right!!!??! YEA, With thorns that can grow ANYWHERE and will cut through ANYONE trying to take me from being who I am... I will expect No Less from you** 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 I'm sorry you are going through this. My MM did this for a few weeks and then came back like some often do. But, the simple fact that he is clearly stating where his head is at is actually rare. Some MM just stop with no answers-- no nothing, leaving the OW empty and wondering for answers. But, you have an answer. Take it for what it is. Good luck. "Never lose yourself in attempt to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you." Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 If it's over, why won't he leave. Because he is in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 Because he is in love with you. Why then is he a) stringing me along. b) hurting me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 Why then is he a) stringing me along. b) hurting me so much. It could be many different reasons, trying to let you down easy, because he really doesn't want to hurt you anymore than he already has, or he is afraid you will become unglued and rat him out to his wife, etc, so he is "handling" you. No way to really know......but the most important thing is you are the one who is really in control.........IF you choose it to be, you cut off the avenues he can talk to you on. Silence.....from you. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 So after thinking yesterday was going to be it, turns out he is still talking to me. (I know, I know, I should cut him off, but I genuinely care about him). So today I sent him this message "Of course I know that your wife doesn't know you are here. I've been holding back on some of my feelings because I know how difficult this situation is for you. I am married too. (granted not happily, and not for much longer). I feel that you have played an important role in me realizing I had the strength to leave an abusive situation. You know more intimate details about me than most people do. If the fact I am on anti-depressants troubles you after losing my dad, two miscarriages and an abusive marriage, I am sorry. I feel like this pattern we have been on over the past week, while I am already vulnerable plays into memories and feelings I don't like. In this relationship that you and I have had we have never played games, and always been honest. Neither of us have made unfair or had unreasonable expectations." To which he replied: "Honey, I have never and will never play games. Don't assume, either that anti-depressants troubles me either. I know all that about you. You are grasping for some concrete reason, and there is none except for continual risk of exposure to wife. I'ts something we have always faced since day one. My care and concern for you has not changed. I need to refocus my energy on my wife and family". WTF? So he's basically telling me, I have served my purpose and now he's done? I know that this is not really what you want to hear right now, but the bolded part above is telling you all you need to know. It's up to you now to make a choice whether or not you want to allow him to string you along. Even though the pain is raw you have to fnd the courage to let go and not respond to his contact anymore. You finally have an out of an abusive marriage. That alone gives you more than this MM ever could. It gives you the freedom of choice to start living the life you want live and one that is free of abuse. When I finally decided to leave my abusive marriage, that and my family and friends is all I needed to move forward. It was a HUGE sense of relief. Aren't you feeling any of that right now? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kellyca Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 I know that this is not really what you want to hear right now, but the bolded part above is telling you all you need to know. It's up to you now to make a choice whether or not you want to allow him to string you along. Even though the pain is raw you have to fnd the courage to let go and not respond to his contact anymore. You finally have an out of an abusive marriage. That alone gives you more than this MM ever could. It gives you the freedom of choice to start living the life you want live and one that is free of abuse. When I finally decided to leave my abusive marriage, that and my family and friends is all I needed to move forward. It was a HUGE sense of relief. Aren't you feeling any of that right now? I'm feeling a lot of pain. Confusion. Have I made the right decision? Will I be OK on my own? My soon to be Ex-H did a great job of cutting me off from pretty much any support system I had. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) I'm feeling a lot of pain. Confusion. Have I made the right decision? Will I be OK on my own? My soon to be Ex-H did a great job of cutting me off from pretty much any support system I had. Have you gone to anyone in your support system and told the whole truth about the abuse you have been suffering? Mine tried to do that too, but once I exposed what was really happening in my marriage, the people who truly knew me as a person began to rally their support behind me. And don't worry, even though its hard to see right now, you will be fine. Once you are not under the same roof (I'm assuming you are right now) you will start to feel a big sense of relief. Maybe the MM is distraction that keeps you from making the bigger decisions you need to make. Its okay to be afraid of the unknown. Just know that your unknown is a much more positive place than you realize. Edited March 1, 2013 by spice4life 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Why then is he a) stringing me along. b) hurting me so much. There is conflict. He loves you in the affair system (or bubble). This may be a PA or a long distance Internet affair. It does not matter--------he loves you. However, the love does not work in real life because he is married and it seems he wants to stay married. So this creates a conflict. The symptoms of affair love are identical to love in the open, but affair love struggles. Paradoxically, affair love can be more intense than love in the open. However, affair love often struggles; particularly with a d-day. As to why he strings you along? He is insecure and needy. He needs the love to feel good about himself. At a subconscious level he is probably not concerned with how you feel. If he was a true man and if his love was truly authentic he would end his marriage or at least he would let you go with 100% permanent NC. But, most typical cheaters are selfish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 There is conflict. He loves you in the affair system (or bubble). However, the love does not work in real life Guess what, this was REAL LIFE. Both for me and for him. This was my life, my job, my emotions, my heart. This was very real to me. So, suddenly this 'bubble' burst and it's all a fantasy???? No way. This was very real. Affairs are real. Not bubbles, or fantasy, or make-believe. Do they hurt? Yes. Does it usually not work out for one of the parties involved? Yes. Are they fantasy or in a bubble world? No. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts