Gf of 4 years cheated on me and gave me herpes

[fearfacmh]

Well 5 days ago my life as I know it was ripped from me. Before last saturday I had the perfect girlfriend. She was the most loving, caring, brilliant person I've ever met. She is an honor student at a major University, the best at everything she does. I"ve been with her for four years. She was 17 when I met her and I was 20. Here is where I think the problem stems. She got in a committed relationship while to young. It doesn't matter what has happened to me is completely wrong. I saw her last friday. I even stayed the night at her dorm. Nothing was different. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. I left saturday morning to hang out with friends. She came over saturday night looking like she had seen a ghost. I knew something was very wrong. She tells me she doesn't see herself living her life with me. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no. I flipped out and screamed that I never wanted to see her again and she left. The week before I noticed a rash on my penis. I was a little worried and I went to the doctor. He said it was a staph infection and he was 95 percent sure it was herpes, but he tested anyways. I didn't really worry about it much. Well sure enought he called 2 days later and said it was herpes. I was really confused. I knew rebecca wouldn't cheat on me. So I called her and she says she has a "friend" over. Right then I knew something was seriously wrong. Here I am grieving and she has another guy waiting in the wings. I went over right away and told her the doctor said I have herpes. I asked her if she knew how I got it? She began to cry and admitted to me she had unprotected sex with the bartender on a trip she took to germany a month ago. She said she was drunk and admitted it happened several times. Then I asked what about this other guy. She admitted they had been seeing each other for 2 weeks and had sex with a condom. Well there pretty much went my life. I still somehow think I can take her back because I love her so much and I know this isn't her. Something had to snap in her head. Why wouldn't she tell me? I wouldn't have herpes and maybe aids. I have to wait 6 weeks to know for sure. She acted completly normal the past month. this makes no sense. Please help me

[Girlie]

I think you're nuts for even considering taking her back at this point. Perhaps this isn't the girl you've known for the last several years or thought you knew, but I doubt anything "snapped" in her head, other than the thought that she was attracted to others and thought she could get away with cheating. Which is why she probably didn't tell you. Cause she thought she could get away with it. Perhaps she feels she's still young and longs for her freedom...who knows. As you said, that's no excuse for what she's done to you. Not only did she betray your trust by cheating, but she was irresponsible and gave you an STD. Four years is a long time to put in with someone. No doubt about that. But you don't need to be with anyone who's capable of doing this to you, regardless of why. My advice would be to stay away from her now. I'm very sorry this has happened to you and do wish you luck in whatever you decide.

[fearfacmh]

Thank you for replying. I feel so lost. I know my girlfriend. Something went wrong with her. I asked her if she was raped by the guy in germany and she said she didn't know. She then admitted that it happened several times. I can somehow forgive her for this because she was drunk, but where in the heck did this second guy come from? I think that she was kinda taken advantage of but somehow liked it and it started a chain reaction. I made a huge mistake by looking in her trashcan and seeing the condom from the second guy. I dont see how I can go on. I have herpes I wont know if I have aids for sure for a month. NO girl will want me. I know it sounds sick, but I still feel I can be with her if a pychologist somehow discovers why would she act out like this. After she told me she had done this she said she didn't like her self and wanted people to like her and that her childhood was messed up. Her parents were divorced when she was 6 but she always said her father was there for her. I don't even know if I'm making sense I'm so distraught. I can forgive her. This is not her. Something very wrong happened. God please make this pain go away

[Girlie]

I'm very sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through. I stand by my statement that nothing entitles her to act this way. But I understand that you probably do not want to let her go, and don't want to believe that she is capable of this. I'm sure I wouldn't either. Please at least take some time to yourself. This has all happened at once, and it sounds like you could use some time to reflect and clear your head. Good luck.

[emra]

I know you want to try to figure out some sort of way to justify how this has happened. As most people do. There may not ever be a reason for it. She may not even know.

I do not think it is wise to ask her if she were raped. You are trying to find a way to justify it in your own mind so you can figure out how to deal with it and try to give yourself hope.

Maybe this isn't her "normal" behavior. To what your standards of what you feel she is. The fact is ii happened. And if it happened a month ago and then she has someone new where you are now too. Maybe, you don't know her as well as you think you do.

Maybe, she had feelings of running free and what ever happened wherever she went, really brought then on strong.

What she did was very wrong to you. And to betray you that way was awful.

I think you need to try to take care of you. She made some decisions that hurt you terrible. Don't try changing in your head of what happened because that will only lead to more heart ache.

As for the herpes, It is the most spread disease around right now and the numbers are getting higher.

What it means for you. Spend$257 a month for pills. Be honest with yourself about it and don't have unprotected sex.

Someday someone will come along and you can be honest with them and tell them, hey this is me and you know what they will take you for who you are. Don't be so hard on yourself. Women aren't always so harsh. And some will understand and take you for who you are.

Try to relax. I know waiting for an aids test is harder then hell, be patient with yourself and remember, you did not ask for this, however it happened, and now you have to figure out what step 2 is.

[fearfacmh]

The only person I've told about this is a shrink. I had to pay a 100 dollars because my insurance doesn't cover it. I haven't told any of my friends or family. I think my mom is putting it together she knew I went to the dr. for a urinary tract infection. I feel as if I can't tell anyone until I know for sure I can't be with her. Then I guess I will confide to a friend that she cheated on me. I will never tell anyone about the herpes or waiting for the HIV test. I took one and it was negative, but if I had it it wouldn't have shown up yet. I have to go back in mid october. My girlfriend or whatever she is is going next week. I assume if she is negative I will be ok because its been over a month since she had sex with that guy in Germany. I dont see how a girl who doesn't have herpes would go out with me. Why would she? Condoms dont even stop it. There is viral shedding you never know when its contagious. My only way will be a herpes dating service. Seriously if your boyfriend told you he had herpes you wouldn't have sex with him. This whole situation is absolutly ridiculous. How could god do this to me? I did nothing wrong. I'm a good person and this is what I get. Why didn't she tell me she cheated on me? I wouldn't never have had sex with her and I wouldn't have this problem. A week ago I had a perfect life. I cant get these visions out of my head. I just see her with these disgusting guys and she likes it. I'm glad I found this messageboard at least someone will here me.

[Grinning Maniac]

What I'm about to suggest is not going to be a very popular idea. I don't care. You may even think it's terrible yourself, but trust me on this when I say that doing as I tell you will make you feel a lot better. Chasing after this this woman will only make you feel WORSE. You know that, but you're too weak to let go and do what needs to be done. This "relationship" is beyond repair and this woman has ruined your life, in more ways than one. Your heart is broken. You have been made a fool of. You have contracted an STD and as you said, NO woman will want anything to do with you anymore. What if you DO have AIDS? She will have sentenced you to a slow painful death. She has destroyed your life as you know it, and almost any chance of future happiness, all because she wanted to "explore".

 

You have to get revenge, my friend. By continuing to chase her and forgive her, you are showing her that what she did to you was completely ok and that she can do it again to anyone she pleases with no consequences. You must show her otherwise. So, what I suggest is this. Make it so HER social life is ruined as well. The herpes won't stop her from having a good time and getting laid after hurting you terribly without a care in the world. She could always just lie, as she's proven to you personally that she can do.

 

Are you really going to just accept it? What if you have AIDS? Are you going to accept your own miserable death out of some idiotic sense of "love"?

 

I am terribly sorry about what has happened to you. But please don't just go crawling back for more after she's kicked you in the face and pissed on you. Be a man.

 

Sincerely,

GM

[fearfacmh]

I think you are more pissed than me man. I admit I've had thoughts of some not good things, but I would never go through with them. I do not want to go to work at all. The only thing I can look forward to is the three day weekend, but what for? Just so I can sit and think about this even more. I need to find someone with herpes to encourage me. I"m just going to go to bed. I sound like a broken record.

[faux]

I'd also say you are mushy in the head to consider taking this girl back. She cheated on you, and drunkenness is no excuse. She never even told you, and probably never even planned to. She's now seeing a new guy, and he's going to have a happy day when they both realize condoms will not adequately protect against many sorts of nasty STDs out there — Especially herpes. Condoms do not cover every part of the skin "down there" which can become infected. If he isn't extremely lucky, and he catches it from her, she'll have a lot of time to do some thinking.

 

I think it's irresponsible that she did not get tested after this incident, and I'm sure the new guy has no idea she is carrying herpes. As difficult as it sounds, you should probably just accept the fact that something did go wrong, it is too late to fix it, and move on. If you want to take her back, go ahead. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is irresponsible, jeapardized your health, and is dishonest to you? I don't think you can trust her again.

[jmargel]

Fearfacmh,

 

You are taking too many things in at once. First thing you need to worry about, is your health. It is a scary time, since you don't know what this other guy had. Just having herpes though does not mean you have aids. They should be able to do a HIV test right away on you though. That is different from aids, but its the starting point for it. If you don't have HIV, you don't have AIDS.

 

Was your relationship really that good before all this happened? Be honest here. This is important. At any time, has she mentioned anything about you neglecting her, or acting a little more distant? Has she been depressed for more than two weeks? Like not eating, not going to school, etc..? Was she verbally, emotionally or physically abused when she was a child? Was she raped by this guy in germany?

 

What you two need to do right away is to see a marriage counselor. Even though you aren't married, you both need help through this. My recommendation would be not to pursue her too hard, but to tell her that if she needs to talk that you will be there. Let her come to you when she's ready. I know that is hard, but she has alot going on through her head. Apparently she's been keeping things bottled up for a long time, not being able to communicate it the right way and it has come out in this form. Going to a counselor will help her get through this. I can't stress that enough.

 

The reason why she did this, wasn't because she hates you. It wasn't because the sex felt good, and believe it or not it sounds like she didn't do this for selfish reasons. Sounds like she has alot of past issues she has not dealt with successfully and it's led to this. God did not do this to you, it was a set of unfortunate circumstances. If two people love each other enough, they will get through anything.

 

If in the end you do go your seperate ways, to say no one will have you because you have herpes is false. Take it from someone with personal experience. Actually half of all americans have it, a majority don't know they do. All it is, is basically a rash that comes once every few months. Big deal! I would suggest reading up on it, there is a bad stereotype about it. Don't mark yourself as unwanted just because you have it. You are probably in the majority now.

 

Anyway, hang in there. Take things day by day, and if that is too hard, take things hour by hour. Don't necessarily deal with the topics (her sleeping with those men) but the issues. On WHY she did it. Seeing a counselor together will help alot. Talk to her, be her friend. She needs someone and so do you.

[binturong]

HIV might not show up until 6 months after the initial infection. Herpes is incurable. Your GF put your life at risk with her irresponsible behavior. You gotta ask yourself...are those the actions of someone who loves you?

[fearfacmh]

Jmargel, I dont know if this is possible but if you have instant message and would like to talk I would appreciate it. You seem to be the kinda person I need to talk to. My AIM is Fearfacmh. I can't really write much right now. I'm going to play in a ping pong tournament of all these to keep my mind off of this. I just want to thank everyone for responding and giving me there insights. I dont know if this means anything but she sent me a phone message asking how I was doing. I replied that I missed her and she said she missed me too. Well I gotta get ready for the tournament. bye bye

[fearfacmh]

I had a good evening last night. I kept busy and didn't think about it much. I was exhausted so I fell right asleep. However I woke up in a pool of sweat and couldn't go back to sleep. I am also doing a bunch of stuff today like going to a football game, but when I start to think the pain is still right there. I wish I knew when she broke up with me last week if it was out of her guilt or if she really didn't love me anymore. I sent her a message that said when she sorts this all out I am willing to listen to her. When I told her that I had gotten the herpes from her she said "we" can get through this. That gives me hope I guess. I'm afraid that I still want to be with her just because of the herpes. I feel if I can be with her the herpes wont matter. I only want her if she truly loves me and has a pretty good damn reason that something in her childhood made her do this. I worry that she really wasn't sure she wanted to sleep with this German guy. She was drunk and was somehow coerced. Then somehow something went wrong in her head. Somehow she went back and found another guy here to have sex with because of her trauma. I keep thinking back to since she got back from Germany and we've done so many things together since then. She did not act different to me. There is no way a normal person could do that especially her. She somehow blocked it out of her head. Its like she split into two personalities. If it ends up that she doesn't want to be with me I will go on. Once I know for sure I dont have any other diseases from this I will somehow go on with my life. In reality the herpes is just a rash. It doesn't hurt it just itches a bit. I wonder how I will trust her again or any girl. Somehow I will.

[Love Sucka]

I think ASIDE FROM herpes.. which is not life threatening for christ sake.. you need to think WHY would you want someone back who cheated on you. Betrayed your trust. Its time to get sickened by this thing and move on. As for this revenge bullcrap COME ON! The problem is she didnt tell him right away that she cheated and ended up having sex with him. Im sure she feels just as guilty. Hiv! The chances of you having it are low BUT YOU NEED TO get tested for it. Herpes is just a skin irritation... but people make this HUGE DISCUSTING deal out of it. This could be the one and only time that you have an outbrake.. Right now forget the herpes and focus on why you would want someone like her back... BECAUSE you have herpes together??? NO! because she cheated? NO! because your used to her and you dont want to start again. maybe?

[emra]

I agree with love sucka. I have had herpes now for 3 years. I wanted to get back to post before, when you had replied but was unable too.

It is not that big of a deal It is one of the most wide spread STD going around right now. I also got it from my ex of 7 years.

I learned to HAVE PROTECTED SEX AT ALL TIMES.

The first year, I had several outbreaks, since that time, I have had none.

Don't think you are the only one with this. Look it up on the Internet, it will give you a lot of information about it.

It is always hard to find out you got something because of someone cheating. It is how you deal with it that counts.

If that is the reasoning you are wanting to stay with your ex because you have herpes, that is wrong.

Will you ever trust her again> I highly doubt it.

She has been with that one guy and another since then.

Take care of yourself.. Figure out how you can be okay...

[Love Sucka]

Did you get it from your EX of 7 years cheating on you?? Did they know they had it??

[jmargel]

fearfacmh,

 

I don't use Instant messaging much, but you can PM me on here. Did the doctor prescribe you Valtrex? He should have. Taking that will make it go away in a few days. Like I said before, alot of people have herpes, it's not really a huge deal with the disease itself.

 

 

BTW, how old are the two of you? Have you considered marriage counseling? This will get her to talk about her childhood, etc as well. Her coming up with a valid reason why she did this, is not going to lessen the pain, but it will provide some substance so that she knows what is the driving force, and what to watch out for. Trust is earned, and she has alot of catching up to do. Don't focus on what she did with those guys, because it's something that you can't change. You are only torturing yourself.

 

You still haven't answered my questions if things between you two were going strong before all of this. Perhaps you just missed that question. Be honest with it too. Were you two arguing alot?

[babybear]

Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this...but I can relate a little bit. My bf of 2 yrs. cheated on me in Germany as well! Must be a lucky spot...

Anyway, he came home with Chlamydia and had sex with me. I didn't know he had cheated, and he didn't tell me either. 2 months later, he tells me he has it, and that he didn't get tested sooner b/c he was scared. So, I get to the doctor...and find that luckily I am negative.

I can't even describe the rollercoaster of emotions that went through my head. Not only did he betray my trust, he put my life in danger. It could have been AIDS. We have been trying hard to work it out...and I have to say that it truly is HARD. Reminders of anything set me off...and honestly just reading this makes me upset! Your herpes infection is going to be a daily reminder. I'm sure she's not a bad person, but think hard if you can look at her the same way after she put you in harms way.

 

Babybear

[shamen]

Someone said earlier that half of Americans have herpes; not true. It's one in five (that's 20%) with HSV-2 (genital) and 70 or 80 % with HSV-1 (on the mouth). So yes, lots of people have it. I've had it for 14 years.

 

If you're staying with this girl because she has herpes too, don't. That's no reason to stay with someone. Stay with her because you love her. But also, ask yourself if you are willing to stay with someone who has done what she did.

 

Ask yourself what the relationship was like before... Anything weird going on?

[fearfacmh]

Hey man. Hopefully I will answer all your questions. The doctor gave me a drug called famvir not valtrex. He said take it twice a day for 10 days when I get an outbreak. Its pretty much gone now. It really wasn't that bad. It just burned and itched a bit. If thats as bad as it gets I will live. Still though its herpes and if you say that word to someone they freak out. I am 24 and she will be 21 in 2 weeks. This is definetly a factor in why she did this. Its also her last year of college. I've been with her since she was 16 so she didn't really date anyone else. Also her mother and father got divorced when she was 6 and her mother had lots of boyfriends and must not have payed enough attention to her. When she admitted cheating she started acting wierd saying she just wanted people to like her and how her moms boyfriends always talked about her mom and she heard. Her mother and father are very good people. I never thought she had a problem. She always said her dad was there for her. I've pretty much figured out these are the underlying reasons for all this. Still its not an excuse. I have absolutley no clue why she didn't use a condom. It sickens me. It sickens me that I have something from that nasty guy. I called her tonight just to make sure she tells the doctor what to test for. I told her to make sure they test for hepatitus and HPV if they could. She sounded very monotone and just said ok after everything I said. I asked her if she was going to see a counselor and she said she was. I am giving her time to sort her feelings out, but I pretty much know its over. I will see her again and she will tell me everything. She has to. If she wants to still be with me I will at least try to go to therapy or something. This is all higly unlikely. Its amazing how quickly your life can change. Mine will never be the same. I can not even think of sex. I just get bad images of her. I try not to think about it but I do. she got back from Germany a little over a month ago. I swear she did not act wierd. I've thought about it over and over. we did a lot of things together since she came back. A week for this we went to a concert in Richmond and stayed in a hotel for our anniversary. She did start saying after that that she didn't feel well and she admitted she was holding her feelings in and it was making her sick. She told me that the night she broke up with me. Ever since she got back she hugged me kissed me said she loved me and had sex with me. I swear. This is getting a bit long. I tried to pm you J but it said you weren't recieving messages. Hopefully I will be able to find you. YOu've been helpful. Thank you

[emra]

Love Sucka,

If you are asking me about my experience.

I was the him for 8 years, He was the father of my children. He cheated on me so many times I cannot count.

The last time I was with him was right before he killed himself. YES he knew he had it, did he tell me NO. I was very hurt by it. But I also had a great support system to help me deal with all of those things. Do I still struggle with it sometimes, YES. Because he killed himself, NOT because, I have herpes.

[jmargel]

Hi fearfacmh,

 

Wierd my PMs aren't working. I'll have to check with the admin here. As for your situtation, this quote stuck out quite a bit:

When she admitted cheating she started acting wierd saying she just wanted people to like her and how her moms boyfriends always talked about her mom and she heard.

 

Have you been supportive of her? Telling her why you love her and making her feel good about herself?

 

Here are some flags as well that might be important to look at:

 

- She's just turning 21, which means she has alot of experiences yet to feel. She's still immature at this age.

 

- She's been with you since 16, which means she doesnt know of any other long term relationship other than with you. That's not putting you down, but you know the 'Grass maybe greener on the other side..' scenerio.

 

- She has not lived by herself. Most women, some point in time need their independence, their freedom to know they can do & make it out on their own. She has not done this yet. Not all women need this, but from personal experience many do

 

- She's been through a bad divorce. This plays alot with a person's own relationships. Being brought up in this environment is a negative

 

- Her mom has had numerous boyfriends. People learn by example, and when the person you look upto the most does this, part of your gf might be thinking even more about the 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrome.

 

Positives:

 

- She is going to counseling, this is a must for her in this situation

- That you at least go with her a few times. If not for the relationship, for yourself.

 

Her breaking up with you could be that she knows she did wrong and there is nothing she can do to turn back time. She was sick because she had alot of guilt stored up in her. She didn't cheat on you because she wanted to hurt you or because she didn't love you. She didn't cheat because she has moral indefiencies, but more likely due to the way she was brought up and what her family life and where she is at life at this point.

 

Goto counseling and let us know how it works out. Her life is pretty messed up right now and her first reaction might be to run away from everything, including you. You probably feel the same way. Taking this first step with the counseling will get you both headed in the right direction.

[fearfacmh]

I called her 2 days ago because she was going to get tested for stds. I told her what she should get tested for like hepatitus and hpv. I didn't get tested for those yet. She answered the phone all happily. I have since found out that the 2nd guy she slept with doesn't live here. He works for a poster company thats on campus for a few weeks. He lives really far away. Her roomate says she's seen him there a few times this week. She can't even be with this guy. Its just nuts. After she realized it was me calling she turned very monotone and just said ok after everything I said. The next day I asked her on aim how the appt went. She told me it was ok and I asked when we could talk about everything. She said in a few days. Now I just day dream of what I will say to her. I'm just about positive its over. I feel so angry now. I Just want to scream at her and spit in her face and leave. I feel if it is over I have to do that. Is this wrong? Is it wrong that I still think I can forgive her if she says she wants to be with me yet I just sit here and think how I will verbally tear into her. If its over I will never talk to her again. She will be dead to me. I see a phycologist on tuesday hopefully I will see him before I talk to her.

[Grinning Maniac]

Fearfac...battery acid. You'll feel much better.

 

Barring that, the idea of her being dead to you is a good one.

[Love Sucka]

Wow... he killed himself.. jesh im very sorry thats horrible! emra im sorry you had to go through that