Is it wrong to tell a spouse about an affair?

[nooneyouknow]

I know that may sound strange, as so many on these boards encourage the cheating/cheated spouse to come clean and confess. But what if you really feel that your spouse should know, as in you suddenly started going away and staying overnight, you spend a lot of time on the computer, things like that.

 

I did all these things, and my spouse could not reach me at night sometimes. I could see they were sad sometimes when I returned from a trip with supposedly same sex friends. Yet they never looked at my phone or asked me what I was doing on the computer all day and night.

 

I am pretty convinced that after 23 years of marriage and a set pattern, the last two years were a real aberration for me.

 

Now, the affair is over, I am depressed, I miss my lover who left me when I did not leave my spouse quickly enough. And now, I feel guilty and want to confess.

 

My spouse knows I am depressed, not sleeping enough, and that I made an appointment to see a psychologist. And yet they have never asked me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk. It's not that we are not close, it's just that they avoid this subject.

 

So, I'm guessing my spouse just doesn't want to hear the bad news that they suspect. And yet, I feel my spouse is my partner, and I think confessing would help me feel better.

 

Should I just forget about helping myself feel better, and let my spouse go on without really hearing the bad news they seem not to want to hear?

[jf2good]

Clearing your conscious will not make your spouse forgive and forget. You need to forgive yourself first which you haven't. If you can't forgive yourself how do you expect your spouse to take this news and not freak out and divorce you even if she is in denial now.

[anne1707]

Clearing your conscious will not make your spouse forgive and forget. You need to forgive yourself first which you haven't. If you can't forgive yourself how do you expect your spouse to take this news and not freak out and divorce you even if she is in denial now.

 

But the longer the OP goes without telling, the bigger the lie gets. For the marriage to stand a chance, the sooner that the OP starts being honest with his wife the better.

 

OP - you might do well to start this thread in infidelity forum. As a fWS, you will get some bashing but you will also get a lot of good advice from people who have been in similar situations to your wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

And yet, I feel my spouse is my partner, and I think confessing would help me feel better.

Am I the only one struck by the fact that not once in your musings do you seem to be concerned about how your spouse might be hurt by this devastating news? You cheated on your partner and your preoccupation is with how you might feel about the disclosure? That's like a doctor giving a terminal cancer patient the bad news and his main worry is how he might feel delivering the verdict. Even a mildly compassionate person could see that there are bigger issues here.

 

Of all the good reasons to tell, to "help me feel better" isn't one of them. I think I have a handle on the personality traits that led you to cheat in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ver13]

Am I the only one struck by the fact that not once in your musings do you seem to be concerned about how your spouse might be hurt by this devastating news? You cheated on your partner and your preoccupation is with how you might feel about the disclosure? That's like a doctor giving a terminal cancer patient the bad news and his main worry is how he might feel delivering the verdict. Even a mildly compassionate person could see that there are bigger issues here.

 

Of all the good reasons to tell, to "help me feel better" isn't one of them. I think I have a handle on the personality traits that led you to cheat in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You might want to read the OP other treads they are all very much the same.

[Juls64]

 

. . . and I think confessing would help me feel better.

 

 

 

Is that what it is really about?

[2sure]

Fact is, you and your wife have to move on from this, together or not .

You can't save the marriage or solve its problems without her.

 

You can't make decisions or changes for her.

You need to tell her, whatever your personal reasons.

[nooneyouknow]

But the longer the OP goes without telling, the bigger the lie gets. For the marriage to stand a chance, the sooner that the OP starts being honest with his wife the better.

 

OP - you might do well to start this thread in infidelity forum. As a fWS, you will get some bashing but you will also get a lot of good advice from people who have been in similar situations to your wife.

 

First of all, the lie does not get any "bigger", the affair will always be there, but it is over with.

 

Second of all, and this brings me back to my original question-How would the marriage stand a better chance if I tell her something she clearly has no interest in hearing?

 

I feel I am respecting her wishes by NOT mentioning it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate your opinion. And at least you seem less angry than so many others here.

[Mr. Lucky]

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate your opinion. And at least you seem less angry than so many others here.

Go back and read your opening post. You don't see how it might seem a little narcissistic and self-centered?

 

Mr. Lucky

[anne1707]

The lie does get bigger in the sense that the longer you leave this, the worse it gets.

 

The marriage does stand a better chance because you obviously BOTH need to deal with the fact that you had an affair. Pretending it did not happen is not exactly helping you communicate.

 

You are not showing respect for her if you are not honest with her, even if being honest hurts her. Lies are no foundation for the marriage.

 

I am not even the slightest but angry. I am a fWS too but one who has successfully reconciled the marriage because both my H and I were able to do the work together that was needed for that.

 

However after reading your responses here and some of your other posts, I am not sure whether you should remain married. You are very much thinking of yourself here more than anybody else.

[LFH]

I think telling for the right reasons, can be helpful.

You want to appease your guilt. I bet any amount of money that when you see her heartbroken and crying you're not going to feel better.

Many people will tell you that the BS always would rather know. I haven't found that to be accurate.

I should say though, that I am not, nor have I ever been a betrayed spouse. I can tell you that my MM did try and tell his wife about us and she didn't want to hear it. Suggested he shut up and go buy her something pretty every time he wanted to talk about it again.

 

Then she brags on facebook about how when he wants to talk about something "distasteful" meaning, not just me but any issues in their marriage, she gets new stuff.

 

It's so very mature.

 

I don't know that I have an answer for you. I just caution you to think really strongly about what you're doing and why you're doing it. Maybe start counseling first and then decide.

[nooneyouknow]

Go back and read your opening post. You don't see how it might seem a little narcissistic and self-centered?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Narcissistic, I don't think so. Self centered, yes, I am coming into that now. I have stayed married 18 years longer than I wanted to because I had young boys. So for the past 22 years, since the older one was born, I have lived for my kids. Not saying that makes me a saint, a lot of people do that. Though many don't and just split much sooner.

 

So yes, I am going to leave and live for myself now. Have a life that centers around me.

 

Sorry that YOU seem to have a problem with that.

[nooneyouknow]

The lie does get bigger in the sense that the longer you leave this, the worse it gets.

 

The marriage does stand a better chance because you obviously BOTH need to deal with the fact that you had an affair. Pretending it did not happen is not exactly helping you communicate.

 

You are not showing respect for her if you are not honest with her, even if being honest hurts her. Lies are no foundation for the marriage.

 

I am not even the slightest but angry. I am a fWS too but one who has successfully reconciled the marriage because both my H and I were able to do the work together that was needed for that.

 

However after reading your responses here and some of your other posts, I am not sure whether you should remain married. You are very much thinking of yourself here more than anybody else.

 

Psychologist said no-don't tell her. And he must be at least 65 years old, board certified, and with a wall full of degrees. I told him that my wife knew I was depressed, knew I was going to a psychologist, but never asked me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk to her. Psychologist said she is "emotionally unavailable", and as much as I might like to confess and come clean, unfortunately I should not. 'You have to live this by yourself".

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry that YOU seem to have a problem with that.

Staying 18 years in an unhappy marriage is a difficult thing to do. But even within that challenging framework, there are right ways and wrong ways to handle those situations. Cheating on your marriage isn't one of them. Neither is disclosing that infidelity for the sole purpose of making yourself feel better.

 

I applaud your efforts to live a life you find more rewarding. The next step is to figure out a way to do it that isn't at the expense of those people you're supposed to care about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anne1707]

Psychologist said no-don't tell her. And he must be at least 65 years old, board certified, and with a wall full of degrees. I told him that my wife knew I was depressed, knew I was going to a psychologist, but never asked me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk to her. Psychologist said she is "emotionally unavailable", and as much as I might like to confess and come clean, unfortunately I should not. 'You have to live this by yourself".

 

Hmm...

 

So your psychologist is diagnosing someone he has not met based purely on what you have told him. IMO that does not make his a good psychologist. It also seems that you have come here to LS just to hear what you want to hear and maybe not what you need to hear.

[nooneyouknow]

Staying 18 years in an unhappy marriage is a difficult thing to do. But even within that challenging framework, there are right ways and wrong ways to handle those situations. Cheating on your marriage isn't one of them. Neither is disclosing that infidelity for the sole purpose of making yourself feel better.

 

I applaud your efforts to live a life you find more rewarding. The next step is to figure out a way to do it that isn't at the expense of those people you're supposed to care about...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

OK, I actually like this one Mr Lucky. And my infidelity is over.

But the bottom line for me is that I doubt I will ever find life more "rewarding" while I am married. That's just my feeling.

So what do you suggest?

[nooneyouknow]

Hmm...

 

So your psychologist is diagnosing someone he has not met based purely on what you have told him. IMO that does not make his a good psychologist. It also seems that you have come here to LS just to hear what you want to hear and maybe not what you need to hear.

 

I don't think he was diagnosing her, he was just making an observation. She did ask me how I was after I saw him. I think she asked what he said. He really didn't say much, except about my ex GF and her issues related to rage, immaturity, manipulation. In any case, I will follow his advice for now, as my guy feeling is she knows something occurred, it is pretty obvious really, and she has not asked. She knows I went away several times overnight on 2011 and 2012. If she hasn't broached the subject, I guess she does not want to.

 

And really, I came here for opinions, I got them, as well as a professional opinion. I'll live with this inside me. I came here with no expectations at all. I just wanted opinions.

[anne1707]

OP

 

I really do recommend that you post this in the Infidelity forum. You will then actually here from BS about how they feel/felt and whether they wanted the truth or not.

[Crusoe]

First of all, the lie does not get any "bigger", the affair will always be there, but it is over with.

 

I feel I am respecting her wishes by NOT mentioning it.

 

 

The lie does get bigger.

 

I first learnt of my ex's cheating years after she first cheated. During those years I made all kinds of decisions that changed my life forever. All were based upon a lies. Every time she watched me make one of those decisions the lie got bigger and the consequences worse.

 

All I wish is that she could have been respectful enough to tell me the truth at the time. Life would have been a lot different.

 

When you don't tell you are stealing time from someones life. Money you can earn again, trust you can learn again, but time you can never get back. There's little more cruel than stealing it from someone.

[whichwayisup]

Psychologist said no-don't tell her. And he must be at least 65 years old, board certified, and with a wall full of degrees. I told him that my wife knew I was depressed, knew I was going to a psychologist, but never asked me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk to her. Psychologist said she is "emotionally unavailable", and as much as I might like to confess and come clean, unfortunately I should not. 'You have to live this by yourself".

 

Do you want to fix your marriage or are you looking to divorce? If you want to stay, then do confess and hopefully you will get a chance to make things right.

 

Also, a psych. is not a marriage counselor. The psych. is there for you and only you, for your best interest - A MC is there for you but concerns is about BOTH you and your spouse. Big difference. I suggest MC if you want to stay married.

[Mr. Lucky]

OK, I actually like this one Mr Lucky. And my infidelity is over.

But the bottom line for me is that I doubt I will ever find life more "rewarding" while I am married. That's just my feeling.

So what do you suggest?

Simple. Have the courage of your convictions and live your life accordingly. If your marriage isn't working, work on it without the distraction of an affair. If it's truly unsustainable, end it while living up to your obligations, financial and otherwise. Try and be the man you raised your sons to be while being considerate to those around you.

 

Your life is at a crossroads right now but you still have a lot of years in front of you. Time to see which way things are going to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Should I just forget about helping myself feel better, and let my spouse go on without really hearing the bad news they seem not to want to hear?

 

Since you apparently wish to avail yourself of psychological help, as well as apparently address your marriage, my suggestion would be to interview a MC, address your infidelity during your solo portion of the interview and direct the MC to organize, after interviewing your spouse, the process of proceeding, presumably to recover the marriage to a healthy state. IMO, working the issue in front of a skilled professional can be both 'safe' and 'efficacious' to getting clarity on that issue and moving forward, wherever that path may lead. Good luck.

[nooneyouknow]

Since you apparently wish to avail yourself of psychological help, as well as apparently address your marriage, my suggestion would be to interview a MC, address your infidelity during your solo portion of the interview and direct the MC to organize, after interviewing your spouse, the process of proceeding, presumably to recover the marriage to a healthy state. IMO, working the issue in front of a skilled professional can be both 'safe' and 'efficacious' to getting clarity on that issue and moving forward, wherever that path may lead. Good luck.

 

I will just copy and paste this from my other thread, as it makes no sense to have two similar threads. Then I will leave this thread:

 

First of all, I am not having an affair. I am not "boning" anyone. The affair ended close to three months ago, and I am not seeing or "boning" anyone else.

 

Second of all, this affair did not occur in a vacuum. The reason my wife does not know is because she does not want to know. She does not want to confront the facts. She does not want an argument/blow up, she does not want me to leave.

 

Any spouse, ANY spouse, who was slightest bit suspicious after their mate started going away for a few nights every month or two, and they could not reach them on the phone at night several times, and they were on the computer or texting all day-ANY spouse who wanted to know could either look at their phone, confront them, or at least bring up the subject.

 

My wife does not know because she does not want to know. I see now why my therapist advises against telling her.

 

Believe me,I would like nothing more at this point but to come clean. I would like to confess the affair and tell her that I am moving out, and the affair is over, and that none of this was her fault, but that I have no passionate love for her, and I am afraid a similar thing could happen again-affair, and then maybe lose the lover because I am married. Clearing my conscience and helping my wife understand why I am leaving, would, I think, help me move on and feel better about myself as well as being the honorable thing to do.

 

But the therapist is right. My wife and I have each erected walls around us. Neither of us has done much over the years to strengthen the marriage, and she has allowed this or similar behavior to go on for quite some time. He has clearly stated twice that she is not emotionally involved that way, as far as wanting to discuss this, she just prefers to ignore it and live with it. And he advised again against talking to her about the affair.

[JourneyLady]

she has allowed this or similar behavior to go on for quite some time.

 

That's cute. SHE has allowed it. What is she, your mommy?

YOU did the behavior and she is not responsible for it. You are trying to make your wife responsible for your behavior in order to relieve your guilt, just as you used your bad relationship with her to justify your actions in the affair. Check out marriage builders. ALL wayward spouses do this.

 

As a former BS, I can tell you that looking back, I should have known something was up. I trusted him implicitly, never snooped in his email, checked his phone, or checked up on him. Not even when he started acting strangely. I just figured he was going through his changes and that stresses at work were causing him to be upset. I trusted him implicitly.

 

He ended up in an affairage. I doubt very much she trusts him like I trusted him.

 

Nobody ever confines themselves to a person they -know- does not love them. If your wife is doing that, it's either because she thinks it is just a phase and you will get over it, or because all her apples are not in your basket. This is likely to end in divorce one way or another unless you work hard to fix your marriage. You can't fix a marriage with lies. You have been lying all along if you have been unhappy and not telling her this.

 

Either divorce now, or come clean now and try to fix the marriage.

You are right that you probably will do this again if you remain in the lie. Psychologists only understand what is in their own life experience - if they haven't been a betrayed spouse, they cannot really advise you.

 

She will not know if she wants the truth until she hears what it is.

But you've been told by several people. Indications are you just came here for validation - but if you are so certain, you wouldn't have needed validation of your assessment of the situation. If you are scared of the consequences of telling, if you are not telling out of fear: then you are not telling because you are a coward.

[nooneyouknow]

That's cute. SHE has allowed it. What is she, your mommy?

YOU did the behavior and she is not responsible for it. You are trying to make your wife responsible for your behavior in order to relieve your guilt, just as you used your bad relationship with her to justify your actions in the affair. Check out marriage builders. ALL wayward spouses do this.

 

As a former BS, I can tell you that looking back, I should have known something was up. I trusted him implicitly, never snooped in his email, checked his phone, or checked up on him. Not even when he started acting strangely. I just figured he was going through his changes and that stresses at work were causing him to be upset. I trusted him implicitly.

 

He ended up in an affairage. I doubt very much she trusts him like I trusted him.

 

Nobody ever confines themselves to a person they -know- does not love them. If your wife is doing that, it's either because she thinks it is just a phase and you will get over it, or because all her apples are not in your basket. This is likely to end in divorce one way or another unless you work hard to fix your marriage. You can't fix a marriage with lies. You have been lying all along if you have been unhappy and not telling her this.

 

Either divorce now, or come clean now and try to fix the marriage.

You are right that you probably will do this again if you remain in the lie. Psychologists only understand what is in their own life experience - if they haven't been a betrayed spouse, they cannot really advise you.

 

She will not know if she wants the truth until she hears what it is.

But you've been told by several people. Indications are you just came here for validation - but if you are so certain, you wouldn't have needed validation of your assessment of the situation. If you are scared of the consequences of telling, if you are not telling out of fear: then you are not telling because you are a coward.

 

I don't know what you missed, and I amazed that so many people come here with their own baggage and heartaches and bring them into posts.

 

Of course she is not my mother, she is my spouse. A mother has nothing to do with allowing or accepting an affair, a spouse does.

 

We are separating.

 

I WOULD like to tell her, I really want to be honest now. THAT is the reason I came here for advice, and that is the reason I asked the psych twice.

 

I will go with his advice and not tell her. If she pushes the issue, or wants more information, then I will tell her. But she has NEVER asked about any affair, never asked what was wrong, never asked what was troubling me, and never asked why I am seeing a psych.

 

The psych is mostly correct, in some ways she is emotionally not available, and really neither of us have been in this marriage for a long time, at least not psychologically.