Is it wrong to tell a spouse about an affair?

[Yasuandio]

Listen, I'm going to give you some good advice - that will be most helpful to your wife in the separation divorce process. TELL HER WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING, like what you have been telling us on all your threads. And tell her who and who's you've been doing it with. Come clean, so your wife knows the real details of what you're about. Hopefully - this will propel her into the right direction. She deserves better, dude. That is why you keep posting threads and repositioning yourself - you know you have been heartless, even with the girl you were seeing. You are concerned about right and wrong? Bite the bullet, man up, and be honest - face your demons. You'll start feeling a lot better then. Yas

Edited March 2, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Mr. Lucky]

We are separating.

Planning to separate or you've discussed it with her and she's part of the process?

 

And if you've told her you plan to dissolve your marriage, what was her reaction? Kids know?

 

Always a tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nooneyouknow]

Planning to separate or you've discussed it with her and she's part of the process?

 

And if you've told her you plan to dissolve your marriage, what was her reaction? Kids know?

 

Always a tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have told her three times in the past 18 months that I want out. The last two times May 2012, and last week, I told her I was moving to Florida. That now seems like a bad idea to me. I think it would be easier for myself and my spouse and my kids, if I stayed local for a year or so to get everyone used to me being around but out of the house.

 

My one son that is 22 knows, my other son is 20 and away at college and does not know yet.

[nooneyouknow]

I have told her three times in the past 18 months that I want out. The last two times May 2012, and last week, I told her I was moving to Florida. That now seems like a bad idea to me. I think it would be easier for myself and my spouse and my kids, if I stayed local for a year or so to get everyone used to me being around but out of the house.

 

My one son that is 22 knows, my other son is 20 and away at college and does not know yet.

 

The reason I have not brought it up again after last week when I told her I was moving to Florida, is because I thought long and hard and without a support network there of friends or family, I think it's a bad idea to be so far from my kids. Not to mention that my spouse will have the house and will have to learn to pay bills and all that.

 

So I decided to stay local. But staying local is more expensive than going to Florida as far as rent. So I am back to working out the numbers for a monthly budget. It is also a totally different lifestyle from what I was looking forward to in Florida. I was hoping for a development down there with a pool, gym and looking forward to an outdoor lifestyle. That is not going to be the case locally, as is will be a simple apartment and four seasons.

 

I am also honestly fearful of going from my house, where I do see my spouse and son every day, to living alone in a one bedroom apartment. Like just abut everyone else, I do fear loneliness and isolation. My wife will at least be in the same house, and have my son around and the other one around when he is home from school.

[nooneyouknow]

Listen, I'm going to give you some good advice - that will be most helpful to your wife in the separation divorce process. TELL HER WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING, like what you have been telling us on all your threads. And tell her who and who's you've been doing it with. Come clean, so your wife knows the real details of what you're about. Hopefully - this will propel her into the right direction. She deserves better, dude. That is why you keep posting threads and repositioning yourself - you know you have been heartless, even with the girl you were seeing. You are concerned about right and wrong? Bite the bullet, man up, and be honest - face your demons. You'll start feeling a lot better then. Yas

 

Somehow you missed the posts where my therapist says not to tell her. I have heard that from other people too. And I see the logic behind it. It's not about me wanting to come clean, it's about keeping this as least hurtful as can be for her.

 

And if I was "heartless", I would have walked away a long time ago to be with the OW, as so many men do. It is because I have a heart and care deeply about my spouse and children that I have stayed so long and have so much angst over all this.

[carhill]

It's normal for an IC to support you in what is best for *you*, and not telling is surely best for you. That's why I recommended a MC, whether to recover the M or process the M to an amicable ending. In MC, the client is the *marriage* and the MC proceeds in the marriage's best interest.

 

If you're 'done' with the M, file for divorce and move on. Plenty of people have exit affairs and never tell their spouses. You can easily be one of them and move on and no one, other than you and your IC, will know any different. If no one tells, you'll take the acts with you to the grave. Deep ocean of secrets. It goes on.

 

As a reference, I had an affair, went through MC and we divorced. BTDT. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have told her three times in the past 18 months that I want out. The last two times May 2012, and last week, I told her I was moving to Florida. That now seems like a bad idea to me. I think it would be easier for myself and my spouse and my kids, if I stayed local for a year or so to get everyone used to me being around but out of the house.

 

My one son that is 22 knows, my other son is 20 and away at college and does not know yet.

 

If you've told her 3 times you're leaving and you're still there, she probably doesn't believe you. Especially if you're still playing the role of husband, in and out of the bedroom. Given the difference in your case between word and deed, I wouldn't do anything until you have clarity as to what it is you really want. When it comes to divorce, be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KathyM]

Psychologist said no-don't tell her. And he must be at least 65 years old, board certified, and with a wall full of degrees. I told him that my wife knew I was depressed, knew I was going to a psychologist, but never asked me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk to her. Psychologist said she is "emotionally unavailable", and as much as I might like to confess and come clean, unfortunately I should not. 'You have to live this by yourself".

It sounds like you and your wife are very emotionally disconnected from each other, and keeping this huge lie will only serve to keep it that way--a disconnected relationship that is not open and honest. That is not going to help either of you in your marriage to keep this huge lie between you.

[nooneyouknow]

It sounds like you and your wife are very emotionally disconnected from each other, and keeping this huge lie will only serve to keep it that way--a disconnected relationship that is not open and honest. That is not going to help either of you in your marriage to keep this huge lie between you.

 

Thats what T said, emotionally disconnected. Both of us.

[phillygirl]

 

 

 

Am I the only one struck by the fact that not once in your musings do you seem to be concerned about how your spouse might be hurt by this devastating news?

 

*raises hand*

 

No, you are NOT the only one who is struck by this. As someone who at another time in my life was the OW, I told my xMM to NEVER disclose this affair to his wife. Why? There's no good that would have come from it.

 

I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't see the benefit of guilty disclosure--it is only to satisfy a guilty WS.

 

When one decides to engage in an A (EA and PA), there is plenty of time to think about how one will hurt their spouse. Yet, once the decision is made, it's really too late to clear the air and move on...

 

...As the only air to be cleared will be from the WS. Yet, for the BS, the pain has just begun.

 

I don't know... I wouldn't confess. But can respect and understand the reasons for confessing for those who feel strongly that this is necessary.

 

Be well...

Edited March 7, 2013 by phillygirl

[JamesM]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't see the benefit of guilty disclosure--it is only to satisfy a guilty WS.

 

I can see your point and agree. If the purpose is to make the WS feel better, then it is selfish. If the purpose is to...well, what other purpose IS there?

 

Some will say that you must to rebuild the marriage. I don't think that even all psychologists would agree.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some will say that you must to rebuild the marriage. I don't think that even all psychologists would agree.

Since, as regards the marriage, he's got one foot in and one foot out the door, it's a moving target. Perhaps some clarity on his marital situation will help solidify his intent as to disclosure. Even as opposed to cheating as I am, I'm not sure I see the benefit of tossing "I was unfaithful" over your shoulder as you bail on the marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aed]

Sorry if I am going to be (to) hard on you.

 

Yes I do think it is very wrong NOT to tell your wife, that you cheated. But not from the angle you want it.

 

She needs to know what she married too and why her man is having an 'depression'. She needs to have a choice, because at this time maybe she feels sorry for you and is nurtering you and taking care of you.

 

When she knows the truth, I don't think she will have the same compassion for your 'depression'.

 

Be honest and own your bad choices, learn from them and be a straight up person. I also think that when you have tolled your wife, you will be cured of your depression, because you will have bigger and important things to deal with then losing your affair.

[nooneyouknow]

Just an update, things are really much better in my marriage since I did discuss separation with my wife. She asked specifically what I needed/wanted. I described a relationship like I had with the OW-someone who wants to be with me, someone who wants to do things with me, someone who desires me as a man, someone who spoils me with things like massage (which leads to intimacy). My wife responded very well. She got the message. I think she was depressed about the state of our marriage too, and now she seems to feel better about us. I guess you could say she is being a wife again, and I am hopeful that it lasts.

 

And no, I will never tell her about the OW now. That is over for three months, and as the therapist and the OW even said, she had to have known. When you live with someone for 25+ years, and they never go away alone, and then they start going away alone every 5-6 weeks.......well, something is up. My wife never asked if there was someone else, never brought up the subject of another woman, so clearly she does not want to know what happened or discuss it.

 

My mistake was asking others for insight into my marriage and whether to tell her about the affair or not. I cannot expect strangers to understand my situation or my wife. Everyone's relationship(s) are different, and it is obvious to me that a lot of people on this board feel wronged by a spouse or ex spouse. People bring their own feelings to their replies. Their feelings and opinions need to be taken with a grain of salt.

[Mr. Lucky]

My mistake was asking others for insight into my marriage and whether to tell her about the affair or not. I cannot expect strangers to understand my situation or my wife. Everyone's relationship(s) are different, and it is obvious to me that a lot of people on this board feel wronged by a spouse or ex spouse. People bring their own feelings to their replies. Their feelings and opinions need to be taken with a grain of salt.

Or maybe their opinions represent the benefit of experience, having already walked the proverbial mile where you're just beginning to tread ???

 

It's interesting to see how much your experience with and knowledge of the affair has informed your opinion of what you want from your marriage. For instance, you want your relationship with your wife to be:

 

" like I had with the OW-someone who wants to be with me, someone who wants to do things with me, someone who desires me as a man, someone who spoils me with things like massage (which leads to intimacy). "

 

So that knowledge was valuable to you, right? Many have offered the opinion that, were you to stay together, it might be equally valuable to her. I'd assume that you'd stay because (however you define it) there's love there. But can't be love without trust, they go hand-in-hand. She seems to trust you, if nothing else but to do the right thing by your commitment to her. Time to reciprocate...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited March 15, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

 

And no, I will never tell her about the OW now. That is over for three months, and as the therapist and the OW even said, she had to have known. When you live with someone for 25+ years, and they never go away alone, and then they start going away alone every 5-6 weeks.......well, something is up. My wife never asked if there was someone else, never brought up the subject of another woman, so clearly she does not want to know what happened or discuss it.

 

My mistake was asking others for insight into my marriage and whether to tell her about the affair or not. I cannot expect strangers to understand my situation or my wife. Everyone's relationship(s) are different, and it is obvious to me that a lot of people on this board feel wronged by a spouse or ex spouse. People bring their own feelings to their replies. Their feelings and opinions need to be taken with a grain of salt.

 

 

Perhaps she doesn't know and is afraid to ask. I wonder if this will always keep a wall between the two of you. Also, do not rule out that one day when you least suspect it, she will ask. And then all of your rebuilding could fall apart.

 

I can see why you wouldn't tell. I might not either if I were you. But that does not mean that she knows or doesn't want to know. She may simply be afraid at this point to know.

 

And as long as there is more than you who knows, then the secret is never a secret.