skins21 Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) i am a male, and i know people look down to males who have been raped, but im lost and dont konw whatelse to do. when i was 4 or 5 my cousin(17 years old) was babysitting me, and he took complete advantage of me. truth or dare was his trick we started out with a few harmless things, but then before i knew it we were in his room, pants down, and i was forever scared. im now 18 in a serious relationship and i get mad/jealous/sad over stupid things, and unfortuantely its effecting our relationship. i want more than anything to make this work, but i need to come to terms with what happened to me first. sidenote- ive only told 3 people about this ever, and my girlfriend is one the other two are my best buds. Edited February 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Skins I am so so sorry for what you have been through. You need to get counseling with a professional to help you come to terms with what your cousin did. It is not your fault and doesn't change the person you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 no one in my family knows anything, and if they found out my cousin would be dead within 24 hours. i want to keep this to myself, and the three people i told. i know its not my fault, and honestly i wouldnt change it if i could. its made me the man i am today, and i think im an overal good person i just have a lot of doubt/trust issues. i always overthink everyting. i just want to come to terms with this so i can move on with my life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 I'm so sorry, skins. You've gone through something beyond horrific. As previously mentioned, I think counseling can be a good thing, and help give you techniques on how to learn to trust again. Or maybe a support group. Do you have spiritual faith? I know you probably have a lot of emotions about making an official report against your cousin. I'm sure it's very painful. But every day that goes by...it's just another day that he can rape another child. It really is up to you, but making a report (not even actually filing to bring charges up...just making a report) could help another innocent kid. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 (edited) Skins I am so so sorry for what you have been through. You need to get counseling with a professional to help you come to terms with what your cousin did. It is not your fault and doesn't change the person you are. Agreed. I am so mad and sad that some adults rape other people, including kids. I think it'd be helpful for healing to get counseling. I do think it would be good to consider if your cousin raped other kids. Sadly, many times rapists have more than one victim, especially when they find out that they can "get away with it." If possible even if you don't file charges, is there a way to suggest that kids not be left alone with your cousin? I think it would be good to talk with a counselor about the rapist and about whether to file charges. I think the rape victims who came forward to file charges against Jerry Sandusky were very brave, even though I'm sure it was not a fun thing for them to do. I really wish people wouldn't hurt other people. Please remember that you are an awesome person and you didn't deserve anybody hurting you at all. I don't know if this story might help? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY4zbWw74zI Edited February 26, 2013 by BetheButterfly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 I agree with the posters above who are suggesting counseling. You have not been able to move past the abuse, and it is negatively affecting you in the present. Therapy usually does a lot of good for people in your situation to regain their sense of power and to process their misplaced feelings of shame. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 I think you need to confront this cousin and let him know just how hurt and damaged you are as a result of what happened. Express your anger and disappointment. Let it be a brief meeting but in no uncertain terms let him very clear on exactly how this event has affected your life. This butthole needs to know the damage he has done. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Well, I don't want to contradict our esteemed moderator, but it may be wise to consult with a counselor as a first thing, and he will gauge when the time is right to confront your abuser. He may decide that it would be more appropriate and less traumatic to confront your abuser in the safety of the therapist's office using an empty chair technique, in order to regain your sense of power, and then possibly confront your abuser directly if he thinks you would benefit from that. Confronting is usually not enough. The victim usually needs to process his feelings of helplessness, etc., in a safe environment that the therapist's office provides, and it takes time to do that. While a one-time confrontation can be therapeutic, it's usually not enough. I would suggest calling a counselor and he will determine what process would best help you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Well, I don't want to contradict our esteemed moderator, but it may be wise to consult with a counselor as a first thing, and he will gauge when the time is right to confront your abuser. He may decide that it would be more appropriate and less traumatic to confront your abuser in the safety of the therapist's office using an empty chair technique, in order to regain your sense of power, and then possibly confront your abuser directly if he thinks you would benefit from that. Confronting is usually not enough. The victim usually needs to process his feelings of helplessness, etc., in a safe environment that the therapist's office provides, and it takes time to do that. While a one-time confrontation can be therapeutic, it's usually not enough. I would suggest calling a counselor and he will determine what process would best help you. I totally agree with the above.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 From one survivor to another, therapy is needed to process this. Sexual abuse is murder to the psyche of a young person. I was also molested by a cousin at age 7. I didn't tell anyone until I was 19. Therapy and finally telling my family helped a great deal. When you tell your story, you are giving that innocent little boy you once were voice. I went through a period of promiscuity in my twenties as I processed the childhood sexual abuse, as well as a past relationship with a man who pushed me into doing sexual things I didn't want to do. Now that I am happily married, I can look at that dark period in my life with compassion and appreciate how far I have come. Despite what many people think about promiscuous women, redemption is possible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OMGitskayleigh Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 So sorry to hear what you went through.. But I have to agree with previous posters, get some help. I've been in similar situations, I was molested by my grandfather from 3 years old to about 8 when he became bedridden. I came to terms with that, not fully understanding the seriousness of it all at the time. Then at the age of 17 I was raped again by a "friend of a friend". Needless to say I am not friends with that person anymore. I wish I had gotten help when it happened, as a result of not doing it my self worth is at a low, I have very little confidence and major trust issues, I can't even bring myself to communicate with men I'm not comfortable with. It's led to me not receiving medical attention before because I refuse to be touched by a man other than my boyfriend. You will feel so much better if you recieve therapy, I think you also need to confront your cousin to move on from this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Thanks everyone again for the hell. Unfortunately therapy isn't an option for me. My dad is a convicted felon who would kill my cousin if he ever knew I decided to confront my cousin about it. I laid it all out on the table, an I told him how I've never gotten over it. He denied it ever happening at first, but eventually gave in and admitted it. However I regret to say hen he admitted to it I lost all control, and we got into a fight. After me pounding on him I broke down, and regained my self control. Therapy would help me I strongly believe, but hitting him gave me my power back (feels like it anyway) I know I'm never going to forget this, but I'm starting to come to terms with it. I told my girlfriend, and she's been more than supportive. I think one day I'll be able to live with this. Thank you everyone you're advice means the world to me honestly. It's great to know there are people out there who care about others. I started volunteering at the local children's advocacy center for abused children, so hopefully I can make a difference in someone's life 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 You are a wonderful and caring young man. You are strong. You will conquer this. *big hug* Feel free to PM me if you want to speak to another survivor. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 skins, I really respect the fact that you're overcoming the destruction you've experienced in such a healthy way (volunteering w/ other kids). It's really inspirational. It's so messed up that you feel like you have to protect your father through all this. You're not responsible for his actions...it's sad that you have to walk on eggshells to help him keep his cool. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Share Posted February 28, 2013 I don't want other kids to grow up feeling the way I did, bc it's not healthy and it really does help talking even if it's through something like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 28, 2013 Share Posted February 28, 2013 People don't look down on little boys who are raped. People know who to blame and it is certainly never an innocent child. I went through something similar where I was raped as a child and kept it to myself. It totally messed me up and I had a very warped perception. Not to mention that when something traumatic like that happens you can be emotionally stunted at the age it occurred. I was seven for a very long time in my brain. I couldn't focus too much either. My thoughts spun a lot. This stuff messes you up on so many levels. You aren't who you were meant to be because this happened to you. You owe it to yourself to see somebody and put this behind you. Until you heal from the abuse, your past will be there like a dark shadow haunting you. Feel free to PM me anytime too. XO 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jjwats Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Hey skins! my girlfriend is a survivor of terrible sexual abuse, among every other kind. I had a perfect childhood cant complain. but i have to tell you, when you are in a serious relationship with someone who is a survivor, its VERY DIFFICULT. If your girlfriend is understand of the whole thing, make sure and thank her and tell her just how freaking awesome she is. i have much sympathy for your circumstance, but i know you can beat it. remember, just be yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Skins, ages 4 and 5 are very important in the development of a child's sense of self and self control. This is why, when a trauma like sexual abuse occurs at such a young age, the child may grow up to have serious emotional problems that are very difficult to overcome without professional guidance. If you would like to discuss this further, it would be helpful to know more about the emotional problems you're having with your GF. For example, do you have a strong fear of her abandoning you for another guy? Do you find it hard to trust her, with the result that you often do things to test her love and devotion? Do you rely on her to ground you because you lack a strong sense of who you really are? Do you find that your anger is very easily triggered -- in seconds -- by things she says and does (things so small that, three days later, you can't recall what they were)? Do you find that your very worst fights with her occur immediately after the very best of times? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 That's exactly it. I'm always afraid she's doing things behind my back, and I'll do some sneaking around and always find it's just me being paranoid. I know I should trust her bc she's been almost always trustworthy. I wanna know how I can get over these feelings Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 That's exactly it. I'm always afraid she's doing things behind my back, and I'll do some sneaking around and always find it's just me being paranoid. I know I should trust her bc she's been almost always trustworthy. I wanna know how I can get over these feelings Your mind gets stuck in a thought and then it spins and spins until it consumes you and you are convinced its true? I hated that. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 That's exactly it. I'm always afraid she's doing things behind my back, and I'll do some sneaking around and always find it's just me being paranoid.What you are describing is a strong fear of abandonment. Until you learn how to trust yourself and love yourself, it is very unlikely you will be able to trust others -- because you cannot believe you are lovable. Instead, you fear that -- as soon as they get close and learn what you really are like -- they won't love you any more. I therefore ask whether you see yourself in any of the other questions I asked above? Do you have the feeling that your personality is fake and you will soon be discovered? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Yeah exactly. I hate people who hurt anyone, especially someone so young and helpless. They don't think of what it's going to do to people in the future Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Downtown before I met her I was a compleye ******* to girls, and never treated them how a real guy should have. With her it's different, and she's broken down my walls I'm not used to that at all but I'm glad she did trust is a huge part of our relationship, and I feel like I push her away with my insecurities. I don't like the person I was, but I've become so much of a better person through her Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Skins, you are answering virtually none of my questions -- either because they are way off base or because you feel uncomfortable sharing that much personal detail on a public forum. If the latter is true, you may want to consider PMimg me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skins21 Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Yes I'm scared she's going to leave me. That one day she'll not love the real me bc the real me has a lot of problems Link to post Share on other sites
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