raped as a child, and now a ****ed up 18 year old

[Downtown]

Yes I'm scared she's going to leave me. That one day she'll not love the real me bc the real me has a lot of problems

Yes, the fear of abandonment comes across loud and strong in your posts. It's the "lot of problems" that I'm trying to help you put into words.

 

For example, do you rely on her to ground you and provide a sense of direction because you lack a strong sense of who you really are? I asked you this earlier because I'm trying to understand whether your childhood trauma impaired your development of a strong sense of self. If so, you will find it effortless for you to fit in with a wide variety of different groups of people -- because you will tend to mirror their personalities while you are around them.

 

Do you find that your anger is very easily triggered -- in seconds -- by things she says and does (things so small that, three days later, you can't recall what they were)? I asked this question earlier because I'm trying to understand whether you carry a lot of anger inside that is easily triggered by comments that -- no matter how trivial they are -- trigger your fear of abandonment or cause a feeling of rejection or disrespect. That is, I'm trying to understand why it is you are so over-sensitive to minor things she says.

 

Do you find that your very worst fights with her occur immediately after the very best of times, e.g., after a great evening or weekend spent together? I raised this question earlier to clarify whether, during intimacy and closeness, you start to get a strong feeling of being suffocated or controlled -- with the result that you may create arguments out of thin air to push her away, giving you breathing space.

[skins21]

My personality was fake before, bc no one knew all the **** I was going through but now that she knows all this is scares me. I'm real with her

[skins21]

Downtown you are exactly right. Right after a good day I feel like **** and angry once she leaves.

[Downtown]

Downtown you are exactly right. Right after a good day I feel like **** and angry once she leaves.

What about the three questions I raised in my last post? How would you answer them?

[skins21]

I feel like I have my own sense of direction I don't need her for that but my anger is triggered very easily. Like the slightest thing upsets me

[Downtown]

I feel like I have my own sense of direction I don't need her for that but my anger is triggered very easily. Like the slightest thing upsets me

How do you show your anger? Do you verbally abuse her and yell at her in rages that typcially last several hours?

Right after a good day I feel like **** and angry once she leaves.

Why do you say you get angry AFTER she has left? Isn't it more accurate to say that your anger gets triggered and released WHILE she is still there?

[skins21]

I don't hit I just yell it's both during and after

[Downtown]

I always find it's just me being paranoid. I know I should trust her bc she's been almost always trustworthy. I wanna know how I can get over these feelings.

Skins, as the other posters have been advising you, it is important to obtain professional guidance. If the childhood trauma interfered with your emotional development, as I speculated, the psychologist won't use the "talk therapy" you see on TV because talking about it all day long won't help you much. Rather, he likely will teach you the specific skills (i.e., the emotional skills and ego defenses) you never learned in early childhood because of the trauma (which may have been caused not only by the sexual trauma but by other events as well).

 

He may teach you, for example, how to better regulate your emotions so you don't have to struggle with the intense feelings that are sabotaging your relationship. He may teach you how to intellectually challenge those feelings when they arise (instead of accepting them as accurately reflecting reality). Further, he may teach you how to do self soothing so you are able to calm yourself down enough to keep your mouth shut until you've had a chance to cool down.

 

Importantly, every adult on the planet has to deal with the fact that, every time we experience intense feelings (e.g., anger or infatuation), our judgment goes out the window. What happens is that the intense feelings distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

Indeed, this has happened to each of us so many hundreds of times that, when we reach high school, most of us have already learned that we absolutely CANNOT trust our own judgement when we have intense feelings. This is why we try to avoid taking any action when we are angry and, instead, to wait until we have time to cool down. And this is why we usually wait at least a year or two (i.e., until the infatuation stage is over) before buying the engagement ring. What makes your situation worse may be that you are dealing with far more intense feelings and may lack the coping skills necessary for calming yourself down.

 

You likely will find that this distortion of other peoples' intentions (caused by your intense feelings) may not interfere -- at all -- with your relationship with casual friends and strangers. None of those people pose a threat to your fear of abandonment and, thus, cannot trigger a release of all that anger you carry deep inside.

 

In contrast, anyone that you allow to draw close -- like your GF -- poses an enormous threat. This probably is why you are able to be so generous and caring with total strangers -- e.g., the disadvantaged children you help -- while at the same time being so verbally abusive to the person you love the most. The irony of being burdened with an abandonment fear, then, is that you will find it easy to be kind and caring to strangers but very difficult to control your anger when speaking with the very people who love you the most.

 

A good therapist would be able to identify your issues and teach you specific skills for managing them. Yet, in the same way you have trouble trusting your GF, you likely will find you have great trouble trusting a therapist. Even when you try very hard to trust someone, it is very difficult for you to pull it off. What likely is happening is that your subconscious is over-protecting your ego by projecting false feelings and thoughts onto anyone who tries to come close to you.

 

In that way, your intense feelings and fears are distorting your perception of anyone who loves you or is very close to you. If you try going to a therapist, for example, you may be tempted to quit immediately because you feel he is stupid or too slow (thoughts projected onto him by your subconscious). I am not a psychologist. I therefore am only telling you my understanding of what may be going on.

[skins21]

You have been a huge huge help. Opened my eyes to alot more than I realized thank you so much

[skins21]

Finally told my mom. Going to talk to a therapist tomorrow and fully oress charges against my cousin to make sure he can't hurt anyone ever again

[Downtown]

Skins, that's great news! The therapy not only will help you heal yourself but also will give you an insight into basic human behavior that few men achieve in a lifetime. It therefore should position you well for helping others, as you've already started doing at the center for abused children. As you will learn, a child experiencing trauma before the age of 5 or 6 is forced to rely too heavily on his primitive ego defenses (e.g., denial, projection, "splitting," magical thinking, and temper tantrums) for survival.

 

The result is that the child keeps a death grip on those primitive defenses, which is all that is available to a young child. He therefore will not let go of them to move onto the more mature defenses that people typically learn in later childhood (e.g., emotional control, self soothing, and intellectual challenging of intense feelings).

 

Another reason that childhood trauma can be so damaging is that young children are ego-centric, believing they are the center of the universe. They therefore tend to blame themselves for every misfortune occurring around them, believing that they somehow "caused" it to happen. This means that, at the very time a young child is struggling to develop a strong integrated sense of self, it is very harmful for him to blame himself for the trauma. Doing so can burden him with self loathing and the false belief that other people will be horrified to find out his true nature.

 

If you don't mind my asking, how was your early childhood -- other than the horrible rape incident? Specifically, what was it like when you were 3 and 4, before the rape occurred? Were you close to both parents and were they emotionally available to you? Did either of them leave you or have difficulty with anger issues at that time?

Edited March 4, 2013 by Downtown

[skins21]

My childhood wasn't a great time. My patents were divorced, and my mom remarried a ******* who I still don't get along with. My dads a drunk who I barley saw growing up. My mom has always been there but I didn't always feel that going talking to her was available

[BetheButterfly]

Finally told my mom. Going to talk to a therapist tomorrow and fully oress charges against my cousin to make sure he can't hurt anyone ever again

 

I really really really hope he didn't hurt anyone else, and it is so evil and wrong of him to hurt you!!! I really really really wish he had not hurt you!!! I don't understand why he made that decision in the first place.

 

He deserves facing the legal consequences for his actions that hurt you (and anyone else if he hurt anyone else.) Many rapists hurt more than one person. They don't stop with only one victim, unless they are forced to stop due to being confronted by justice.

 

Thank you so much for your bravery and taking a stand to protect children from your cousin!!!! It is very possible that your bravery is the shield that will protect a child from suffering at the hands of your cousin or someone else. It also very much helps rapists to see that people are not just going to sit back and ignore or let them get away with their crimes, but rather that as adults, we will fight for the protection and rights of the youth!!!

[TaraMaiden]

You have been a huge huge help. Opened my eyes to alot more than I realized thank you so much

 

You're not as phukkedup as you thought, see?

 

You're a really nice guy, because even though you know you still have baggage to work through, you're helping and channelling it in a great way, not perpetuating the issue by being a badass yourself.

 

I think you can sincerely be very proud of who you are.

Really, you can.

 

You may still feel you have a way to go - but goodness - look at how far you've come!

 

*Stand, Applause*.

[skins21]

I can't begin to explain the relief I already feel. Thank you everyone for helping me make this decision it's an amazing feeling to know that even though I don't know you guys I can still confin in you, and you will give me advice to not only help myself, but kids out there who may also been affected. Life's looking up from here I hope one day I can look back on all this an smile knowing it made me the man I am, and I maybe stopped at least one kid from growing up with this burdan. *standing ovation* you guys deserve it just as much as I do