Will he ever want to marry?

[OMGitskayleigh]

Hi,

Just posting on here to ask for a little bit of advice and insight.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year, and been living together for 6 months, we love each other alot and are very similar in alot of ways.

The only clash we have is our expectations for the future. Marriage and children is something I value a lot and I've made no secret of it throughout our relationship. It's not something I need NOW but it's something I definitely want within the next 5 years.

I get very mixed signals from my boyfriend about marriage. If I ask him directly he just says he doesn't know, doesn't wanna give me estimations and that he lives his life for now, and doesn't think about the future.

But his behaviour sometimes indicates otherwise, I try not to read into his behaviour but he always refers to me as 'wifey' and introduces me to people as his mrs. We also have a running joke about him being married to his Xbox, to which he normally replies, "why would I want to marry my Xbox when I want to marry you?"

I know it's early days, but the pace of our relationship has been pretty quick up until now.

The thing is, I feel like I need to know if we have the same end-goal. Marriage is very important to me as I have no family so I'm desperate for a family of my own. My boyfriend's family have welcomed me with open arms but it's not the same. My boyfriend knows how I feel about that but still dodges the question when it occasionally comes up about our expectations.

 

Do you think it's likely he will ever want to marry? Or am I being to hard on him? I admire his ability to take life day by day and see what happens but I'm someone who needs to know I'm not wasting my time.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. My first question is about your ages?

 

From your description is sounds as if both if you are done w the education process and into career jobs.

 

My opinion is that one year into a relationship is very early to begin talking marriage and babies other than in general terms.

[OMGitskayleigh]

I am just finishing up my studies and he has been out of the education system for a while, we are 22 and 24.

Yes it is a tad soon, but our conversations on this topic are only ever general, just what we expecting from life in 5/10/15 years. I would never pressure him into marriage, especially not this soon. It's just he knows my end-goal and I don't know his, and wouldn't wanna waste 5 years of my life when he has no intention at all of marriage with anyone x

[Balzac]

The obvious question is why did you decide to live together? Follow up is give thought to how long you are willing to take yourself off the dating market?

The situation is totally within your control. FWIW I don't believe any woman can pressure a guy into marriage!

 

Most guys @24 are newly enjoying financial independence and far from thoughts of assuming responsibility of a wife add babies. Some, newly into a career are solely focused on work add romance.

 

I'd encourage you to focus on yourself, your timeline and willingness to invest your youthful beauty.

[OMGitskayleigh]

We decided to live together because we love each other and it felt right for us. We also had a long distance relationship and wanted too see each other all the time, which we couldn't do at the time. Moving in was a bit premature, we were planning the move when I was forced out of my home 3 months early, and he took me in. We were apprehensive at first but it turned out really well and we love living together.

 

Thank you for your advice I try and slow things down and just enjoy being young but I guess due to my circumstances I've grown up a bit too quick! Lol

[Balzac]

Clearly you believe him to be husband material, you're in love and the day-to-day life is rewarding. Enjoy life, finish your education and begin to focus on your career.

[stillafool]

He is calling you "wifey" because you have assumed the role without the papperwork and commitment. Why by the cow when the milk........

[wintersun]

I think time is very relative.

I spent 6 years dating this woman that I thought that she was the one.

In the end, I realized that I never knew her truly.

I believe, that sometimes, love can be so intense, that can conquer everything.

My aunt met her husband. They dated for 4 months. They got married. They have 6 children and they are still in love, 38 years later.

I have a cousin, that dated 5 years, got married, and he left her after 6 months...

If you both really love each other, if you can't stand being away from him, if your heart tells you that He's the one, then go for it.

That's just my 2 cents.

 

Cheers everyone

[OMGitskayleigh]

I think time is very relative.

I spent 6 years dating this woman that I thought that she was the one.

In the end, I realized that I never knew her truly.

I believe, that sometimes, love can be so intense, that can conquer everything.

My aunt met her husband. They dated for 4 months. They got married. They have 6 children and they are still in love, 38 years later.

I have a cousin, that dated 5 years, got married, and he left her after 6 months...

If you both really love each other, if you can't stand being away from him, if your heart tells you that He's the one, then go for it.

That's just my 2 cents.

 

Cheers everyone

 

I think that's a really good point, there's not enough people with that attitude out there. I know of so many people that have really successful relationships/marriage after a short dating period, and others who take their time but have unsuccessful marriages.

[wintersun]

Thank you.

I also don't know many people that think like I do on this subject.

I think that these days people are over thinking about so many issues, that sometimes they forget all about instinct. In life we have to take risks, and we can't step into a relation thinking of all the things that can go wrong.

I will move together with my girlfriend very soon, and we met last December.

I just feel that she's the one. My instinct tells me to do it.

 

Just follow what your heart is saying. Of course you need to think about things, but please don't forget to live.

 

Cheers

[KatZee]

You need to pay attention to what he's saying.

 

Throwing out these "crumbs" as I'm going to call it, are ways to keep you around, and keep you thinking he has definite future plans with you. Calling you "wifey" should in no way be looked at as a serious marriage plan.

 

My ex did these sorts of things. He would throw out vague statements but then at the same time would be like:

 

"I don't know." "I can't tell you when" "If and when it happens" "I don't want to put a time on it." "I live day to day."

 

And if I brought something up on a more serious level he would tell me I was pressuring him. (Meanwhile we were together almost three years.)

 

It's in my experience, if a guy can't give you a straight answer, if he dances around your questions, throws out vague statements... you're not it.

 

You're obviously a great girl, but he really has no urgency to marry and settle down. He gets everything right now that he would get in a marriage. Living with you, a wife-figure, a doting partner, someone who cooks/cleans does things for him. He has no time pressure that women have (although you still are VERY young to even be considering marriage at all).

 

Turns out my ex never saw marriage with me even though he did say certain things. I should have seen the red flags that he'd never have a legitimate conversation and he'd always turn it around on me if I brought it up. It's perfectly natural to want to start a life with someone who you think is husband material but both of you need to be on the same page.

 

You don't want to wind up in the situation I was in. Three years and absolutely nothing to show for it. Wasted time with a selfish guy who just used me as a free ride and a great time. Strung me along and never had any intention of taking things to the next level. You don't want to wake up one day years down the line, still living together and still getting these half-a.ss answers.

 

A guy who wants to marry you is going to be EXCITED as all hell to marry you. I recall one couple I knew when I was with my ex. They had dated about a year and a half and he proposed. He couldn't keep his mouth shut about her. How excited he was to make her his wife, for her to have his kids. It was nauseating how in love he was with her and how ready he was to start his life with her.

 

Even one of my previous exes... he once said to me, "I love you so much I want you to have my kids." Unfortunately I didn't feel the same way for him and we wound up splitting, but this is just a couple examples of how guys are GOING to say really concrete things when they're serious about you.

 

Also, taking things "day by day" isn't something to really admire. This shows a lack of direction, lack of serious planning... life requires planning. Not just flying by the seat of your pants. That's immaturity.

Edited February 26, 2013 by KatZee

[veggirl]

You shouldn't have moved in with him without this discussion already happening. Now you are basically his "wifey" but without the officialness. I would sit him down, no distractions, and tell him that you NEED TO KNOW where his head is at. Unfortunately a 24 yr old guy is likely NOT ready to marry you and he is doing what he can to appease you (calling you Mrs, etc) without having to actually take any actions.

 

I think you are jumping in the gun in wanting marriage with this guy when you are only 22, but if that's what you want...what is your timeline?

 

What you need to do is figure out your OWN boundary...how long are you willing to play wifey without the real title? How long are you okay with just dating with no further committment? Figure that out, then have the discussion with him. I'm sure he can find it in him to be serious for 20 min to talk about that with you. If he isn't gonna be ready for 3 yrs, are you willing to wait? You should know how you see the timeline and what you are willing to accept and then stick with it.

[KatZee]

If he isn't gonna be ready for 3 yrs, are you willing to wait? You should know how you see the timeline and what you are willing to accept and then stick with it.

 

And even if he does say something along the lines of, "I can see myself ready in 2 years, or 3 years" it is in no way a guarantee he won't change his mind. What 24 year old HASN'T gone through the GIGS thing we see all over these boards?

 

IMO the only "guarantee" you would really have, is if he put a ring on your finger and you guys had a long engagement. Even then things can change.

 

But yes, I agree. Moving in so quickly wasn't a great idea and it's already proven through statistics that those who live together before engagement are less likely to get engaged/married.

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds to me like he is comfortable making "fly by" jokes and comments but when it comes to serious talk about your future, he gets scared and weirded out. I don't think it has anything to do with moving in too soon, he isn't ready to marry you. I think he does eventually want to marry you, but he doesn't want to think about it right now...at least not an actual proposal, engagement, wedding, ect. The jokes and comments are ways that he can let you know he is serious, but without giving you any expectations right now.

 

For some piece of mind, my husband did the same thing. Months before he proposed, he grabbed my hand and circled his finger around mine saying "you need a ring." I let the comment go, as it was one of many fly by comments he had made about engagement/marriage. It was frustrating though, because it's like "piss or get off the pot buddy." But it sounds like your relationship is headed that way, 1 year is still pretty early.

 

You'll get there. And it will be worth the wait, trust me!

[Lauriebell82]

Oh, my husband was also 24 when we started dating, so I think he felt he was too young at the time. It took him another few years before he was ready to get down on one knee. I suspect your boyfriend is feeling the same way.

[Lauriebell82]

You need to pay attention to what he's saying.

 

Throwing out these "crumbs" as I'm going to call it, are ways to keep you around, and keep you thinking he has definite future plans with you. Calling you "wifey" should in no way be looked at as a serious marriage plan.

 

My ex did these sorts of things. He would throw out vague statements but then at the same time would be like:

 

"I don't know." "I can't tell you when" "If and when it happens" "I don't want to put a time on it." "I live day to day."

 

And if I brought something up on a more serious level he would tell me I was pressuring him. (Meanwhile we were together almost three years.)

 

It's in my experience, if a guy can't give you a straight answer, if he dances around your questions, throws out vague statements... you're not it.

 

You're obviously a great girl, but he really has no urgency to marry and settle down. He gets everything right now that he would get in a marriage. Living with you, a wife-figure, a doting partner, someone who cooks/cleans does things for him. He has no time pressure that women have (although you still are VERY young to even be considering marriage at all).

 

Turns out my ex never saw marriage with me even though he did say certain things. I should have seen the red flags that he'd never have a legitimate conversation and he'd always turn it around on me if I brought it up. It's perfectly natural to want to start a life with someone who you think is husband material but both of you need to be on the same page.

 

You don't want to wind up in the situation I was in. Three years and absolutely nothing to show for it. Wasted time with a selfish guy who just used me as a free ride and a great time. Strung me along and never had any intention of taking things to the next level. You don't want to wake up one day years down the line, still living together and still getting these half-a.ss answers.

 

A guy who wants to marry you is going to be EXCITED as all hell to marry you. I recall one couple I knew when I was with my ex. They had dated about a year and a half and he proposed. He couldn't keep his mouth shut about her. How excited he was to make her his wife, for her to have his kids. It was nauseating how in love he was with her and how ready he was to start his life with her.

 

Even one of my previous exes... he once said to me, "I love you so much I want you to have my kids." Unfortunately I didn't feel the same way for him and we wound up splitting, but this is just a couple examples of how guys are GOING to say really concrete things when they're serious about you.

 

Also, taking things "day by day" isn't something to really admire. This shows a lack of direction, lack of serious planning... life requires planning. Not just flying by the seat of your pants. That's immaturity.

 

Not all men are like that. My husband never talked about marriage, wasn't ready, told me he was too young. And look. He married me. I am the love of his life. He never had any intention of NOT marrying me.

 

Do some men do what your ex did? Absolutely. Are some men like my husband. Absolutely. Every situation is different.

[veggirl]

Oh, my husband was also 24 when we started dating, so I think he felt he was too young at the time. It took him another few years before he was ready to get down on one knee. I suspect your boyfriend is feeling the same way.

 

Yeah, this. Gosh when I was 22 I wasn't even thinking about marriage and I was living with my bf at the time lol. He was the one who told people he was going to propose, I had to actually tell my sister to talk him out of it (he told her he was going to). haha. 22, 24...it's too young! Those are the people nowadays who are entering their 30s with a divorce already under their belt!

[LoveTKO]

Stop pressuring your boyfriend into marriage. Just because he hasn't brought it up or committed to it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but if he wanted to get married he would have brought it up. He doesn't have to get married because YOU want to since you have no family of your own; that sounds like the wrong reason to get married.

 

If you feel like your wasting your time then end the relationship and move on. Prolonging your relationship is not a guarantee that he will marry you. In other words, you can't admonish him five yeas from now for wasting your time with him knowing full well what he want or didn't want all along. If you continue badgering him as to when he's going to tie the knot, it will only reenforce his stance to forgo marriage.

[Cutiepie1976]

Gosh! You're in a tough spot, and I've seen it go both ways. Unfortunately, there is no crystal ball.

 

I don't think it's "too young" to get married at all. Everyone gets to set their own timeline, priorities, and goals. Everyone has a different level of maturity. I do know a fair number of people who got married in their early twenties, whose marriages have thrived and will clearly go the distance. Of course they love each other deeply, but they also have a foundation of shared values about the importance of marriage, the same life philosophy, and a deep respect and commitment to each other. Two immediately come to mind. One is my first ex-fiancé. I had always seen myself delaying marriage and a family until I was 40, and focusing on my career first. Nevertheless, I waffled and said yes when he asked because he was such a great guy, but ultimately changed my mind back to "no" since I felt I was too young. He married someone else at 23, and is an incredible dad and husband, as I knew he would be. Fifteen years and counting. We both stayed true to what was important and right for us. The second is a close friend, who married his high school girlfriend right after he graduated from college. They have an incredible marriage and partnership. I hope I can be as lucky some day. Incredible role models for what a great marriage entails. Ten years, two kids, strong as ever and still committed to forever. A third would be my dentist, who married while in dental school. They too are still very happy together 25+ years later. It definitely happens.

 

If you read these Boards, however, you will also see lots of threads from women who lived with their boyfriends and were strung along. That scenario also happens. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to move in together, certainly not without an agreed upon endgame. But that's me. What works for others might be very different. There is no absolute right or wrong.

 

My suggestion would be to have a clear idea in your mind regarding how long you would be willing to patiently wait for him to decide what he wants. I definitely wouldn't issue any ultimatums. The deadline is simply a way to prevent you wasting year after year, hoping that this might be the year. Stick to it. If it comes and you don't have a ring and a firm, agreed upon wedding date, walk away.

 

Good luck. I hope things work out as you would like. If they don't, understand that there are other great men out there, and in due course you will meet the right man for you.

[OMGitskayleigh]

Thank you everyone for your opinions, I do value them, good or bad.

A few people are commenting on our age, I know I am young and marriage should be the last thing on my mind, I'm very aware of how ahead I am and it's something I try to change but I guess it's instinct. I had to grow up quick, never had a childhood, and when it comes to drinking, having fun and being with other men, I've already done it and I feel I'm passed it.

Obviously my boyfriend hasn't had to go through the things I have, and I think that's where the problem lies, he still wants to have his youth. I would never want to take that from him.

I gave a 5 year bench mark because when we first got together, he said if he wasn't settled in 5 years he would be 'disappointed', that topic was brought up by him not me.

 

As for moving in too soon, yeah I have to agree. It was quick, we were still finding out about each other and there was no discussion of our expectations of what it would lead to. I never wanted that conversation because I felt 6 months was premature for the conversation and I needed to know I could stand living with him before I started talking about the next step. Living together has been great, and although I think maybe it was wrong to do it so early, I love it and we've grown closer because of it.

 

The comment about pressuring him because I have no family, I don't necessarily agree with, I've never pressured him, I wouldn't dream of it. I know it's too soon for the majority of people so I do press it at all, it normally comes up as general conversation and the sort of dances around the answer, but I definitely don't push him. The comment about my family was just to illustrate why I want to be married, I don't use it to blackmail and I wouldn't marry him if I didn't think he was the one regardless.

 

It's nice to see all the conflicting views, it definitely a head scratcher. I kind of like the balance in this though, rather than just having friends who are positive all the time!