virtual obsession with other women

[nikolamaja]

Dear All,

this is my first time on such forums, but I needed to hear the other people's opinion, and search for further help.

I am in a relationship with the man for 3 years. I am 36 and he is 28.

 

I was reluctant to date a guy who is so much younger, but he persuaded me that it is not a problem for him. We met in the graduate school, in the country in which we were both foreigners.

I was the TA in his class, and this is how he fell in love with me. He pursued me for 6 months, and I thought the way he tried to get me was really special.

 

He was everywhere where I was supposed to be, he followed my facebook page and was hanging out in the places where I would pass by. Because I had a few bad relationships before him, with the men who were emotionally unavailable, I decided to try with him, again, believing that he has a special feeling towards me. However, after the first 5 months, I got a scholarship and went to America.

He stayed in our school in Europe, and when we parted, it was supposed to be for a year, as I thought I would not be able to come back sooner (money issue). I still came back after 6 months and stayed with him for 2 months, before I went back to US. These were lovely 2 months.

 

After a year, when I was back, he was finishing his dissertation, and was all in chaos, so he could not dedicate his time to me properly. I took on to help him to finish the dissertation - I was reading and correcting everything. Then again, separation, I went home, he went home...that summer, we spent only some 2 weeks in UK. It was really nice but these frequent separations made me think where do we head with all this. Needless to say, I loved him dearly at the time. I thought in fact that we would marry after my arrival from US. But, he had a tough year ahead, without any engagement and he had to stay at home.

 

In the meantime, I got another fellowship, and hoped to take him with me, which happened but only partially, as he could not stay in this country for more than 3 months due to visa...that summer, I visited him in his country and met his parents. In the fall, we started living together in the same school and the city where we met. But, we grew apart. It was not obvious at the beginning, but we were both making a lot of mistakes to kill our love, which was once so special. He would go out with his compatriots,

I was working on my dissertation, and did not want to go out with him. He refused to meet my family. He in fact kept postponing our wedding. Now, we are again separated, I got a job in the decent country, and I am ready to start my proper life, with full benefits. He stayed in our school.

 

I recently started suspecting that something was wrong with us. He would stay all day long in school, dressing up, and when he calls me late in the evening, he complains he was tired and just wants to go to sleep. Otherwise, I would help him with papers. I entered his fb profile one day, and I could see that he is obsessing about several females, meaning that he waches their profiles every day, sometimes several times a day. These are different persons from his past. One of them is his ex, who he dated a year before me. .

She did not want to get intimate with him, so he cheated on her, but when he wanted her back, she refused him for good. He could not forget obviously how beautiful she was, and was obssesing about her, checking even her new boyfriend, and looking if she got married or not.

 

The other girl is one that he met even longer back in past. He was on exchange, she was a kind a kid, 18 or something, they were friends, and she never liked him, but he was physically attrated by her. He never tried though, as she liked these other guys. So, she stayed in his mind like an obsession. He was checking the two of them during most of the time of our relationship, at least after I went to US. However, he was constantly aware of our new and young and nice looking colleagues, checking at least several of them frequently, even though in reality they never had any closer relationships or even friendship.

 

The same applies for the two first girls. All of them he was just checking all the time, but no contant in real life. In fact, he never cheated me for real (I believe, but who knows, right...), but this obsessing about them hurths so much...I do not know what to do with him, is he a prototype cheater? I tried to break up with him a couple of times, he begged me not to do it...how to forgive this obsession, and move on?

 

I am afraid that something in his personality is wrongly set, in sense that he is aroused only by those who reject him, and is obsessing about them. Some issues of his masculinity are in question. He is for me a lovely person and attractive guy, but he is not a guy that girls would usually notice.

 

Why such obssession, and what does he achieve by this? Is it proving to himself that he could do it and he is man enough? Please, guys, let me know what you think.

[realtree]

Honestly if someone is constantly looking at other people's profiles, it means they are interested in them. In my case anyway. When I looked at certain people's profiles a lot it meant I was into them. I wanted to know their interests and what they were up to.

[nikolamaja]

Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate it. I am still confused and I do not know what to do...from the conversation we had today, I realized he was not much thinking what it meant when he checked all these women. He also said that he certainly did not connect it to real life not he thought of it being a threat for our relationship...it is had for me to believe that someone does not think that much and does not consider things in his head...majority of these women are pretty far away from him, without real possibility to develop anything, but the fact that he stalked so much hurts...