Author varactor Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 im not sure if my sistuation applies to a lot of people, in my relationship with my girlfirend we were always very much in love and mature about our realtionship, unfortanetly my actions, basically becasue of my childhood forced her out and away. The relationship ended soley becasue of my actions. the first and most important thing i did was said was i need to fix me before i even attempt to contact her. It was the hardest thing i have ever done, and it payed off. I called a psychologist and worked on my asap. so when she did contact me she would see that i am fixing the problems that tore us apart. Neither one of us ever played games that most couples do, and when we started the whole process over almost 3 months ago, i was working on me. She responded to the rapid changes and progess i was making in therapy, and applying the basic priciopals in this book allowed me to not make the common mistakes regectged lovers make. I was given a second chance that i did not deserve and this time im making sure my actions never drive her away again. I love her with all my heart, and i have just recently been told she would like to move back in with me which we are working on the process now to make it better than before. Unicorngirl, i could feel when things were getting good between us, that the feeling of the strong love could be felt mutally, i was able to tell and feel that for the first time ever she was considering moving back in with me and it turned out right. I was always able to feel her emotions as well as mine, as the book explains is empathy and what really sucesfull lovers are able to do. good luck to all of you, its been a long journey to get back to this point and for me it has only begun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author varactor Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by digger that could be a million things--and since i dont have a mind of my own during this--any examples? before my gf called me i sent her a labor day card and simply wrote smile! and just signed my name without the usall love before it she laughed and smiled and told me nobody ever gave her a labor day card an unexpected gift for an unexpected holiday, worked beautifully thanks to the book be creative and be you try to do something to make her simle or laugh! ive come to the conclusion that getting your lover back is all psychological Link to post Share on other sites
Author varactor Posted November 2, 2004 Author Share Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by Layzie1207 he says small, meaningful gifts that leave an impact but dont look desperate, someone please elaborate if im too wrong my gf a long time ago said she always wanted a nice journal, so as we started talking and hanging out again i got her one as a girft for no reason you should know what would mean a lot to her that would not be manipulative or expensive Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 varactor, i wanted to let you know that i went out and bought that book yesterday. AND OMG!! Its should be called how to get your lover back, Alexis! Thank you so much for the recommendation. If there's anything else that you recommend please let me know. A broken heart is the worst thing in the world and i will try anything to get him back. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Originally posted by varactor im not sure if my sistuation applies to a lot of people, in my relationship with my girlfirend we were always very much in love and mature about our realtionship, unfortanetly my actions, basically becasue of my childhood forced her out and away. The relationship ended soley becasue of my actions. My situation is almost exactly the same ... I was in an emotional rut and my ex felt unable to help me, which caused me to take out a lot of things on him. My work now is to show him that the cognitive therapy I'm in is helping with the issues that have been plaguing me for months (though I haven't really told him I've been seeing a counselor, don't know if I will any time soon) and that he doesn't have to be afraid that the same thing will happen when we're together again - a period of extreme happiness followed by extreme unhappiness, repeating itself over and over again. I think what really hurt us was that we had had such a happy end of the summer, me meeting with his relatives, etc., lots of talk about lifetime commitment, etc., and then when I got to school this fall my insecurities and fears took over my entire life because of the transition to college after being out of school for over a year. That extended to all of my relationships -- my family, my boyfriend, my friends, everyone. But now, thanks to the two months we've spent "less involved" with each other and the therapy, I feel confident that I have my life under control. I needed this time and space to get myself in order. It is such a liberating feeling to feel like I'm myself again, in control of my thoughts, and fundamentally happy. I have to show him that we can be happy together and that the reason I want to be together again is because I love him with all of my heart, not because I "need" him or need a companion. I think that's what this book is all about -- making this special, sparkling person who you truly love (and the book helped show me that I really do truly love this person, I don't have to doubt) feel loved and happy. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Originally posted by UnicornGirl My work now is to show him that the cognitive therapy I'm in is helping with the issues that have been plaguing me for months (though I haven't really told him I've been seeing a counselor, don't know if I will any time soon) and that he doesn't have to be afraid that the same thing will happen when we're together again - a period of extreme happiness followed by extreme unhappiness, repeating itself over and over again. I am going to start seeing a therapist also over my situation. My BF is telling i do this and i do that and i don't know that I'm doing it b/c I'm mind my i don't see it as wrong but maybe it is i don't know b/c i don't know I'm doing it. Therapist will help me out on this right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author varactor Posted November 3, 2004 Author Share Posted November 3, 2004 you will be absolutley suprised with what a therapist will be able to help you with. but remeber for therapy to work you must be ready and willing and also do it to improve you not your relationship with your ex. by improving you everything around you improves. i went to therapy to fix me wether or not i would ever get back with my gf, becasue if i didnt fix me then the same problems would just arise with somebody else Unicorn girl: do u discuss your therapy with your bf, my gf and i meet every monday since we started talking and i woujld let her know what was discussed in therapy, im able to do this becasue a) i know she will never judge me and B) it allowed her to get insight into what my problem is and that i am truly working hard at fixing it. this over the months has enabled her to build a lot of trust for me again quickly and feel comftable again to move back in with me which i am very excited about, i have never felt a joy better than being able to fall asleep holding the person you love so dearly everynihgt, and i miss that so much, its funny how you take things for granted or never realise how special something really is until it is gone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author varactor Posted November 3, 2004 Author Share Posted November 3, 2004 Originally posted by varactor The Initmacy Struggle by Janet G. Woititz It gave me real insight into what a healthy intimate relationship is like and showed me how i was so wrong, now our relationship is getting better than it ever was i recomend this one as well Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 Originally posted by varactor you will be absolutley suprised with what a therapist will be able to help you with. but remeber for therapy to work you must be ready and willing and also do it to improve you not your relationship with your ex. by improving you everything around you improves. i went to therapy to fix me wether or not i would ever get back with my gf, becasue if i didnt fix me then the same problems would just arise with somebody else Absolutely. I am beginning cognitive therapy in which I write down my thoughts, essentially, what my mind is "telling" me in response to the situation. I then look over those thoughts and try to get at what is causing me to think them and how they affect my behavior. Originally posted by varactor do u discuss your therapy with your bf, No. I haven't talked with him about it, nor told him I'm even going to a counselor. I don't know what he would think about it -- I'm afraid that if I talked with him about it, he would say, "Oh, that's nice, I'm happy for you," but probably would be offended that I'm going to therapy now and had never done it when we were together. Then again, my college provides free mental health services and that's why I'm able to go -- previously I wouldn't have been able to afford going to see anyone. I would love to talk with my guy about what I'm learning -- basically it's that I tell myself negative things a lot and those affect my actions and take over my life. By recognizing what I am telling myself through the help of an impartial third party (my counselor) rather than my ex (who always told me I needed to get a better attitude), I am able to correct that and feel better and not have these delusions. The problem is, my delusions of not being good enough for my ex, of him cheating on me, of him liking other people more than me, of him not finding me attractive anymore, of him not loving me as much anymore -- which I knew full well were not true 80% of the time -- were not true during our relationship. Now, I have no guarantee that they're not true. He could be seeing someone else, not loving me as much anymore, not finding me attractive anymore, etc. But I'm trying to train myself to calm down these mental images of everything going the worst way it possibly can, and instead try to base my thoughts on what actually happens. Like the fact that my ex is calling me. That he's hugging me when we see each other. That he's looking at me with adoring eyes. That he's flattered when I give him gifts -- that should take precendence over my fears about a dinner outing with an old (male) friend of his, and about what he's saying to other people about our breakup, about who he's dreaming at night now that we've split. Anyway, I have shared a lot -- it kind of makes me feel like I'm insane, when I look back over my problems, but I think going to therapy helps me realize that I've been driving myself crazy with my perfectionistic and negative attitudes (I'm a Virgo, no big surprise) and that hey, maybe I'm not "normal," but who is? I'm on the path to a happier life by going to therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Ya, I got the book today, its really awesome to hear from a different perspective. My ex and I were together for 2.5 years. We had rough spots, (me making excuses and etc..) and her not getting over it. Well, I got a wake up call in mid-July saying she needs space because she doesn't feel loved anymore. So, what I do instead of talking the talk and walked the walk and backed it up by actions. I didn't like myself either so i reverted back to who i was a year and a half ago and I thought it worked out. I was the same person she met when we first went out, I just added more spice to it. I took her out to the zoo, took care of her while she was sick with strep throat, gave her a dozen roses every 2 weeks, left sweet postive notes in her truck 3x's a week, took her out for our 2.5 year aniversary in mid-August. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, on August 26th, she drops the bomb on me (a "shock and awe" bomb) and says I don't think this is going to work, its too different blah blah blah, I feel like were drifting apart. See now this is where I wish I either found the loveshack board right away or got the book, but I was a emotional diaster waiting to happen,AWOL. I kept bugging her about my feelings, how I didn't want this to end, how I think she is making a mistake, in the month of September on and off, she got irritated by it and probably resented me. I even went downtown one night with some guys, expecting to have fun and instead I got seriously drunk and found out I ended up texting my ex at 1:45am and she actually replied back saying "Nick this has to stop, I am seeing someone already". So, long story short, I been on NC for a month, she hasn't initiated contact at all first since Day 1 of the breakup. So, now that I read this book and realized I wish I didn't make those mistakes after the break up, but I do still love her alot and would want her back. She's probably the only ex who I would leave the door open too. So what do you guys think I should do out of the book? I was thinking of mailing a card on a unexpected holiday(like veterans day) in November? I was also thinking about getting her a small bear and taping some words on there saying "Alli-Bear"(its was her main pet name, because I was called Nicky-bear). So what do you guys suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 I'm still wanting to hear a short summary of this book ! Someone mentioned a thread ? Anyway. Nick, it sounds like you're still planning on pursuing her, which seems like a bad idea to me. If you're going to use Veteran's Day as an excuse, you may as well just send a card on any random day, because that's going to seem a little odd, provided she isn't in the army =) And I wouldn't do the little cutesy bear either. I'm telling you man, my heart wants to do those things too, but my head says all I can do is let her know that I love her and then back off. I'll explain what I've been doing. You've probably heard my story. 3.5 years, girl needed space out of the blue. We're on really good terms, she says she still loves me and I think there is a legitimate chance of it working out. To be honest, my situation seems to be fairly optimistic as she has told me she knows it'll work out because we're an exceptional couple and she still loves me. But even so, I've been trying to play it cool. I don't contact her much (it's only been 1 month 3 weeks) but when I do I keep it casual (unless she brings things up). I've had the urge to write her a letter and explain how much I love her, but I don't. I want to call her and tell her things every day, but I don't. I just have to be confident that she knows how i feel and that she'll come back on her own. And that's what I reccomend you do. Trust me, no amount of sweet little bears will make her come back, and if they do, it'll be for the wrong reasons and probably won't work out. She has to come back because she loves you. You've just got to hope that she realizes you're better than this new guy, and if you treated her right then she will. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Ok, then whats the deal with the book then? I got the book and read it, hmm...ok now I am confused as hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 I don't know dude, never read it. What did it say ? Anyway, if it sounds like it makes more sense, go for it. I'm relatively new to all this heartbreak stuff =) I just think that if a girl is telling you to leave her alone, all you can do is let her know you love her but respect her wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Ya I know Urban, maybe your right. It would be kinda dumb sending her a card on veterans day. Guess thanksgiving would be better like "happy thanksgiving" and then signing my name. Guess just to show that I do still care about her and love her but not trying to manipulate it at the same time. It also says, thats just one way to try to reinitiate contact but don't stop at once, keep doing it but not like every week. Guess it just shows I am thinking about her still. Anyone, who has read the book and my situation of the breakup, respond please. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 draw a turkey by tracing your hand (like in kindergarten) and write happy thanksgiving on it. it doesn't even have to be for thanksgiving -- it can be for anything. for instance i wrote my ex a sweet email wishing him a happy 492nd anniversary of the opening of the sistine chapel to the public, and said i had arranged a special tour of it for him -- then pasted a link to a virtual tour of the chapel. (found the event on http://www.thehistorychannel.com, they have a "what happened today in history?" section) Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 that soundslike a good idea for turkey day. Any other ideas, remember unicorn, she walked out on me and we have had no direct contact with each other at all. I just want to be smart and be precise but not manipulating either. Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 I like Unicorn's idea. Sending a funny card like that would show that you're in a good mood. I think the best thing to do is to show her that you're alright and doing fine without her, but also that you still think about her and miss her. That's what I'm doing. Even if you need to tell her you're missing her, do it in a joking way. Example: Last week when we talked my girl was mentioning how she was suprised at how well I seemed to be taking it. I made some kind of joke about "Well, that's when I talk to you. When we're not talking I really do nothing but cry, wear black clothes and eyeshadow and listen to the Cure.". Basically I was showing her that even though I'm still hurting, It's not so bad that I can't make jokes and act normal still. I think it's important for them to know that we miss them and that we haven't just totally moved on, but you also don't want to make it seem like you're TOO affected. It's hard to walk that line though. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Originally posted by Urban Rubble01 Example: Last week when we talked my girl was mentioning how she was suprised at how well I seemed to be taking it. I made some kind of joke about "Well, that's when I talk to you. When we're not talking I really do nothing but cry, wear black clothes and eyeshadow and listen to the Cure.". Excellent reaction. That not only shows her that you care, but it shows you care in a mature, loving way -- you love her calmly and peacefully, without fear, and that you have confidence in yourself. It shows her that she doesn't have control over you, if that makes any sense. Sometimes it's difficult to re-establish equality in a relationship, but it's really important to getting back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Originally posted by Urban Rubble01 I like Unicorn's idea. Sending a funny card like that would show that you're in a good mood. I think the best thing to do is to show her that you're alright and doing fine without her, but also that you still think about her and miss her. That's what I'm doing. Even if you need to tell her you're missing her, do it in a joking way. Example: Last week when we talked my girl was mentioning how she was suprised at how well I seemed to be taking it. I made some kind of joke about "Well, that's when I talk to you. When we're not talking I really do nothing but cry, wear black clothes and eyeshadow and listen to the Cure.". Basically I was showing her that even though I'm still hurting, It's not so bad that I can't make jokes and act normal still. I think it's important for them to know that we miss them and that we haven't just totally moved on, but you also don't want to make it seem like you're TOO affected. It's hard to walk that line though. Also, I am doing this not to be in a MANIPULATING WAY. I'll just make a funny card and just sign my name. Even though i am not writing "I miss you, I think about you, blah blah blah" i am showing it by sending her a card in a funny way to make her smile or laugh, but also to show I do still care and think about her . I'll probably insert in "smile cause its turkey lurkey day" -Nick. I really dunno what her reaction is going to be alittle confusing, then she might think about it and smile alittle. I remember what the book said "remember don't do it just once, keep doing it, but don't smother it". Another thing, is I am not going to be demanding. Guess thats how I was when I was bugging her on and off in September, that "this can't end" and " I don't want this to be over and etc..." Link to post Share on other sites
rodan Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Every body in a long term r/s whether it was true to you or a secret from others. The fact remains there lies guilt ridden factors. Or possibly, deceit to yourself/true love? I myself, do not try to prolong others unfaithfulness, but have witnessed ten-fold directly or indirectly a position exposed. The bottom line most are hurting, alone, or sometimes readily greedy to their own personal desires not easily met in their proclaimed life. WHen this no longer serves purpose or if it does, the next best thing must be addressed to overcome the possibility of retro activiness against you. These types usually think ahead to promote issues that may/maynot be crucial to overcoming an affair/of heart. Because of this, I may appear to be disenchanted but basically accept my little to none value of self. This must stop. Regardless of current status in my life, a live hurtful and deceitful arrangement existed. Of course this situation is in the past, I hope, and we learn or try to reason our way in our future r/s. It obviously takes two. For the ongoing or the two that claim it no longer exists. Truthfully, can we as adults really deny or fabricate reason to why? No. The other will remember the hurt, and hopefully move on with these undeniably shared interest, that I find most will offer in time of need. Because w/o it they wouldn't love you would they? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 5, 2004 Share Posted November 5, 2004 I myself, do not try to prolong others unfaithfulness, but have witnessed ten-fold directly or indirectly a position exposed. Huh? The bottom line most are hurting, alone, or sometimes readily greedy to their own personal desires not easily met in their proclaimed life. Huh? When this no longer serves purpose or if it does, the next best thing must be addressed to overcome the possibility of retro activiness against you. Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
tsg Posted November 6, 2004 Share Posted November 6, 2004 I'm going through the same thing. My ex-g/f broke up with two months ago and maybe there was a chance to work things out in the beging, but I pushed too fast too soon. Now we have no contact at all, the email she sent , she was considering a restraining order, cause I called to try and work things out. She got mad at me and hung up on me but first she told it's over for good. I was doing some reasearch on the web and came across Homer McDonalds book "stop your divorce and your lovers rejection" I haven't yet an opportunity to try any techquies yet. But I was making all the mistakes this book said I would make. I don't know for sure things between us will work out but it may help some of you to avoid pushing the one you love away. Just give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 OK, I've read the book. It's ... interesting, to say the least. Seems to have a Christian ideological slant and offers a lot of "tough" advice -- act like you don't care, etc. I found it to be slightly helpful -- after I read it I talked with my ex and agreed with him about not expecting anything from our friendship and not counting on the relationship, he seemed to be giving in a little and less resistant. It also helps you see the advantage of dating other people, which is what I plan to do. It tells you to "act like it's over" and "tell yourself it's over" in hopes that this will make your ex afraid they're going to lose you. Overall, some good advice, but I still think Blase Harris takes this a step further by incorporating love into the equation. This seems to be about "toughening up" and "biting the bullet." Though I did see results tonight, and the book certainly makes me feel better about a lot of this, and gives me confidence, I don't think it's smart to draw all of your info from one source. This is definitely helpful when combined with other forms of advice. All in all, I think it's best to expose yourself to many forms of advice and guidance and then develop your own philosophy from that. Different methods work for different relationships and different people. Definitely a "feel good" read, though. I recommend it. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Hi all, Unfortunately too many posters have had difficulty remembering a few of our guidelines when they've posted in this thread, so this thread is now closed. For a refresher, the following things should not appear in public threads: 1. email addresses 2. links to commerical websites (sites designed to sell things) 3. links to download copyrighted material 4. requests for others to send private messages Please bear this in mind going forward. Thanks for your cooperation. Link to post Share on other sites
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