me as of now

[Steadfast]

No one really talks about it much, but financial strain and divorce/separation go hand in hand. Even for the wealthy, who work on a different scale. That said, she's no doubt feeling the pinch, as you are. In most cases, marriages break in emotional upheaval and that leaves no room or time for a plan.

 

Finances were the #1 issue between me and my ex after we split. At a certain point, I absolved her of all of it and took the full blow. I lost everything. The reason? It was easier for me to deal with that then to deal with her lies and broken promises. You may soon come to the same conclusion, if you haven't already.

[aMguilts]

No one really talks about it much, but financial strain and divorce/separation go hand in hand. Even for the wealthy, who work on a different scale. That said, she's no doubt feeling the pinch, as you are. In most cases, marriages break in emotional upheaval and that leaves no room or time for a plan.

 

Finances were the #1 issue between me and my ex after we split. At a certain point, I absolved her of all of it and took the full blow. I lost everything. The reason? It was easier for me to deal with that then to deal with her lies and broken promises. You may soon come to the same conclusion, if you haven't already.

 

stead( and EVERYONE!!)

 

i agree, its a different scale

She will come out of this a LOT better off!

 

i did type a lot more and then just deleted it:mad:

i`m in the uk

i have a -(minus) 20 disposable income

she, sorry, i meant my wife has a disposable income of (positive) of 60

 

Mavis

[aMguilts]

oh crap0 crap

who am i now?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

oh crap0 crap

who am i now?

 

aM

NO your NOT!!!!

 

mavis:lmao:

[Steadfast]

My name was first, hers was second. The creditors called me. The tax people called me. The kids called me. I was it. I was the one. I am the one. Worth it.

 

I'm not blowing air aM. People take the hit in divorce. Men (on average I think, still) earn more and and usually listed as the primary contact.

 

I had to shake off being all butt-hurt and pay the bills. It'll be five-years this fall and...I'm almost there. No one starved. No one is homeless. Far as I can tell my ex just...walked away. Took what she wanted and left. My heart remembers 'what we were'. My head remembers what she did.

 

Just dig out. That's all you can do. Don't expect fair. Expect unfair. That's how it is and that's how it'll stay. I not trying to be negative, just realistic.

[aMguilts]

My name was first, hers was second. The creditors called me. The tax people called me. The kids called me. I was it. I was the one. I am the one. Worth it.

 

I'm not blowing air aM. People take the hit in divorce. Men (on average I think, still) earn more and and usually listed as the primary contact.

 

I had to shake off being all butt-hurt and pay the bills. It'll be five-years this fall and...I'm almost there. No one starved. No one is homeless. Far as I can tell my ex just...walked away. Took what she wanted and left. My heart remembers 'what we were'. My head remembers what she did.

 

Just dig out. That's all you can do. Don't expect fair. Expect unfair. That's how it is and that's how it'll stay. I not trying to be negative, just realistic.

 

stead

i really do appreciate you replying

your not be negative, you are being realistic, thank you

 

for now , i`m on a high ( rollercoaster, you know what i mean)

 

i looked out the window from where i work and nothing

too be truthful

she has hardly entered my mind all day, and even when shen did, it wasn`t a feeling of loss or

despair that i usually feel.

and either or because of that, i`ve been more productive.

 

know what i really think it is or what it really boils down to?

 

it`s because i`ll let go

 

Steadfast,

your words drove home that she lied.

it hurt but i knew in my mind that you were right

I`m going to write it off

I`m happier than i have been in a while

 

because , i`ve finally let go of the last thing that really tied me to her

 

anyone new reading this i`ll repeat

 

i`ve let go

Don`t get me wrong, i`d rather she would of paid me back... i need it more than she does,

but i need my sanity more

 

i made the right decision:)

 

thank you steadfast, for pointing me

i owe you one

 

aM

Edited March 7, 2013 by aMguilts

[aMguilts]

One thing thats been bothering me today.

 

Is that even though i`ve let go, it`s a little bit too easy and i can`t helping thinking this is just the eye of the storm.

Having said that , i`m going to do everything i can to keep hold of the way i`m feeling now and make it last for as long as i can.

 

I`ve removed all photo`s of her and us, boxed them up and put them in the loft out of sight.

I threw the wine glasses in the trash so hard to make sure they broke. will get new ones , but different ones. totally different. My ones. Not our.

 

been a pretty good day on the whole. When i could feel the pain rising i just squashed it down again. Made myself think of something else or just went and spoke to a co worker and made sure it was about them we spoke about and not me.

i still miss her like hell, but in my own mindset i`m thinking about the good and even managing to smile to myself inside.

I`m glad that at least she was in my life and even thou we didn`t work out i`ll always have the memories.

 

aM

[tojaz]

One thing thats been bothering me today.

 

Is that even though i`ve let go, it`s a little bit too easy and i can`t helping thinking this is just the eye of the storm.

Having said that , i`m going to do everything i can to keep hold of the way i`m feeling now and make it last for as long as i can.

 

I`ve removed all photo`s of her and us, boxed them up and put them in the loft out of sight.

I threw the wine glasses in the trash so hard to make sure they broke. will get new ones , but different ones. totally different. My ones. Not our.

 

been a pretty good day on the whole. When i could feel the pain rising i just squashed it down again. Made myself think of something else or just went and spoke to a co worker and made sure it was about them we spoke about and not me.

i still miss her like hell, but in my own mindset i`m thinking about the good and even managing to smile to myself inside.

I`m glad that at least she was in my life and even thou we didn`t work out i`ll always have the memories.

 

aM

 

It seems easy for you because your finding strength you didn't know you had... your freeing yourself. Even though it most likely is just the eye of the storm and I'm sure there will be backslides to come, you will be better equipped to handle them when the next wave does hit.

 

Liking the new mindset aM, keep it up.

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

 

Liking the new mindset aM, keep it up.

 

TOJAZ

 

Agree. It's inspiring but at the same time very real. aM has written a series of comments that portray the epic task of moving on from separation and divorce. The up and down roller coaster is a hellish ride. A fight to live.

[aMguilts]

Agree. It's inspiring but at the same time very real. aM has written a series of comments that portray the epic task of moving on from separation and divorce. The up and down roller coaster is a hellish ride. A fight to live.

 

tojaz&stead

 

(and everyone that reads this )

 

i`m am enjoying my `up` for now

 

i`ve not moved on thou, i`m riding out the storm and just living day by day

it`s been a rollercoaster for sure, not just with what i`m feeling at any given time or day but the last 2 years or so.

My, i guess, stbxw and i have `reconcilled and broke up so many times i`ve lost count.

It was always her that wanted to break up, it was always her that `came back`.

but i`m begining to see it was never with full conviction

I`ve ALWAYS blamed myself for the demise. i should of done this or i should of done that. should of said this or shouldn`t of said that...blah blah blah.

 

NO. it wasn`t all me. it was NOT ALL my fault.

I`ve always been the 1st to say `i`m sorry`

 

looking back , there was more for her to say sorry to me about, but she never did

you know what?

i`m GLAD she never paid me back what she owed me

at least it`s shown me that she isn`t worthy of my time or energy anymore and that she can`t be trusted

the woman i married has gone

 

aM

[aMguilts]

I`m going to take some time out

going to reap what i sow

for want of a better phrase

 

in all that i`ve posted on my thread, it was me at that 1 given time

i can see i`m beginning to crash again

the `high`, i`ve enjoyed while it lasted

 

i`m gonna be `me` again, i.e the same old fuc ked up, twisted , me , you all know

 

not looking for sympathy cos you all know i`m not like that and i hate it

 

i`ll be back whenn i`ve finished my crash

maybe

[tojaz]

Do what you gotta do aM. Seems to me that recognizing that a crash is coming would be a good step in trying to prevent it in the future. Take care of yourself, and don't let yourself crash so far down that you can't find your way back up.

 

TOJAZ

[aMguilts]

not doing well at all

i can`t break out of the down that i`m in

just going deeper and deeper

 

getting dehydrated just from crying

iKNOW that i`ll come out of this

i just want the pain to stop

 

there`s been nothing happened that has caused this crash

maybe thats why it`s happened

 

work is getting more intense

i`m getting more and more put upon me and for more money? lol i wish

in one way i like the extra , errr whats the word...burden, stress..no

 

distraction

i love my job and i`m good at it, but at the same time, more responsibility sure= more pay too?

there are only 2 that i work with that really know what`s going on in my life

 

and only 1 of them because he noticed my ring was off

everyone is SO wrapped up in their owns lives

and you wanna know what really makes me fu cking lol?

 

EVERYONE comes to ME when they have some stupid little problem in their life.

lol....

it cracks me up

and to be honest, it makes me worse.

 

but i`m a proud man

i wait till i get home and the door is closed behind me before i break down and cry

 

and you lot hear about it

no i`m not doing well

 

i`m near to the point where i really have had enough

 

aM

[aMguilts]

well reading my last post i`m in a better frame of mind again at last

work has been manic beyond believe but that helps greatly

i realised i had hardly thought of her all day and the cloud only deepened when i got home again to my empty flat.

 

debt collectors are calling and texting me, for some reason they think that i am her.

 

Saying that your debt has been past to a field agent and you will be hearing from us soon

 

i ignored it, haven`t told her and aren`t going to

maybe the bailiffs will turn up at hers and take everything

that`ll be justice for her not paying me back

 

really doesn`t make me feel any better or worse

 

whatever

aM

[tojaz]

well reading my last post i`m in a better frame of mind again at last

work has been manic beyond believe but that helps greatly

i realised i had hardly thought of her all day and the cloud only deepened when i got home again to my empty flat.

 

debt collectors are calling and texting me, for some reason they think that i am her.

 

Saying that your debt has been past to a field agent and you will be hearing from us soon

 

i ignored it, haven`t told her and aren`t going to

maybe the bailiffs will turn up at hers and take everything

that`ll be justice for her not paying me back

 

really doesn`t make me feel any better or worse

 

whatever

aM

 

Keeping busy helps a lot when things get crazy aM, it may come in handy to have a project around to occupy you when the roller coaster gets to rolling again.

 

There's also no harm in letting the debt collectors know that you are not who they are looking for so they will leave you alone.... I would let them do their own detective work though. What might feel like justice and even feel good in the moment doesn't last as long as you would hope and often has a tendency to turn sour.

 

Glad to hear your feeling better.

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

debt collectors are calling and texting me, for some reason they think that i am her.

 

Saying that your debt has been past to a field agent and you will be hearing from us soon...

 

I'm not sure how things work on there, but in the US the process gets passed to collection agencies and/or attorneys after some time. The latter can (or will, in one debt I faced) secure a court order to garnish wages to collect it. This was on a credit card that my ex took on, that I didn't even know about. And yes, aM; my ex 'promised' but didn't deliver. Press on!

 

So, like you, after I worked through all the 'unfairness' of it, I came up with a plan: totally honesty and instance upon paying it all back on my time. Some hung up on me (their 'scare tactic') while others were a bit more understanding. When I (truthfully) told them I had children to feed and shelter, and that I had no intention of selling my possessions (things that were paid for, with varying degrees of value) most understood.

 

I grew tired of telling my 'story'. Over and over and over again. I dealt with one at a time and always answered when they called. That part is critical. If you ignore, that pisses them off and causes them to assume that you have no intention of paying. I would just tell them the truth, like: "I'm paying off one, then I have another, then it will be your turn. I should be free to begin payments to you in six-months. Please prepare a settlement amount. I will reject it if I feel you are taking advantage of my situation. I will not pay late fees or compounded interest." I negotiated every one aM. Almost five years later, I am under $1000 of being totally debt free.

 

Except for a few personal possessions, I lost everything. House, etc. BUT! I have slowly restored my credit standing, secured uprated transportation and found housing in a place I always dreamed of living. No one is homeless, no one starved. Going through this process helped my healing and restored my confidence. Sometimes, 'getting down to business' is the ticket out of heartbreak hotel.

 

No matter how much effort she puts into prettying herself up, parading her new man around or telling friends/family how she's 'moved on' from me (honestly, what a joke!) I have integrity that she can never have. She ran away from the problem, I plunged myself down its throat.

 

Over her? Yeah. Facing what scared me most was my ticket out.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Steadfast

[aMguilts]

been a surreal week for me

 

i am indifferent to anything

and everything

My anti deps ran out over a week ago and i couldn`t get to the doctors to get more

been too busy

i am REALLY in a `i don`t give a f**k about anything mood`

 

well i STILL care about MYSELF

 

While writing this my STBXF text me

asking me if i could sort it so my letters could not go to hers still

i replied ok and don`t text me EVER again

and i meant it

and you know what LS ppl?

i feel SOOOOOOOOOOO good

 

It`s still hard

i will always have feelings for her, i wouldn`t be human if i didn`t

 

But i HAVE moved on, i.e i`ve ACCEPTED that its over

 

And you all know what?

i am smiling as i tell you this

 

go me

 

aM

[Steadfast]

That is a major hurdle aM. Acceptance. That's a critical building block.

 

I once tried to make that point here to a popular female poster from the UK. She had a very rough time coming to grips with the reality of her situation. Even after some years, the nagging question of 'why?' haunted her. Why indeed? Only the person acting can answer that. Well, maybe. Maybe not.

 

aM, we can only act upon what we know. For you (and me, and lots of people) what we know is that they left, wanted out, whatever. They aren't here and once we come to grips with that, the reasons become less important. At some point, that reality becomes a part of us. We learn how to deal with the unjust. Acceptance turns victims into survivors. Well done.