Girl texting my boyfriend

[pony]

Hi there, I'm looking for some advice on this matter. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and it's my first actual long term relationship. The relationship is almost perfect, we laugh together, he compliments me all the time, cooks for me, and he's always there for me no matter what (he woke up and came over once at 2am when I was having a panic attack...I have chronic high anxiety so it used to happen more frequently). I also feel our relationship just keeps on growing stronger and stronger. That being said, there's still something I feel can potentially turn into a big problem later on if I just shrug this off. My boyfriend is a very social person and has a lot of friends. Most of his friends are guys and has a few female friends here and there but the girls seem to be part of the social group and are not always around. Most of the guys have girlfriends as well and I get along great with all of them. I'm much more introverted. I have many friends but we don't get together as often as they all have separate lives (kids, marriage, etc.). On occasion, my dear boyfriend will invite me out with him and his friends but most of the time I give him his space with them. He should hang out with them without me clinging to him 24/7 or every time he wants to do something without me.

 

So my problem is that he has this female friend named Ashley. I've met Ashley only on two occasions. A couple months ago, I went out with my bf and his friends and as we got to the bar, Ashley comes out, drunk, yelling, rambling and extremely happy to see my boyfriend. She also acted like she was excited to see me (even though she barely looked at my the first time I met her) and wouldn't stop saying that "when he's happy it makes her happy" and kept gushing over him. He was stand offish towards her that night...he was definitely not as excited to see her as she was to see him. Then again she was too drunk to notice.

 

Recently, I made a typical girlfriend move while I was using the browser on his phone....I snooped through his text messages a little. I came across Ashley's texts and her messages to him made me feel very suspicious of her motives. I trust my boyfriend completely. We're together all the time. Plus, he's not making plans to see her...even though she seems to be trying to make plans with him, he keeps pushing it off. Ashley sends him text after text and he doesn't reply. He ignores her phone calls...actually he even mentions it to me when she does call. I'll ask him why she would call him at a late hour or on a random weeknight and he'll act non-nonchalant and say something like "she just wants to go out" or hang out. The texts I saw her write to him were along the lines of: "what are you doing tonight?? Drinking with me is what you should be doing!"...she's giving him nicknames like "Jimmy-poo I want to seee youuuu!". I even had the incentive to check his call log and no phone calls were made out to her, only missed calls from her (Hey, figured I might as well especially since her texts are quite alarming to me). While he was out with his friends a couple weekends ago, she had been texting him while she was also out, trying to get him to go meet up with her. Could be innocent for all I know but I'm suspicious about her motives. In the same stream of texts, when he wasn't replying to her anymore, she kept sending texts asking where he was and tried to start something by saying "you're dead to me" (sounds like she's trying to push some buttons). She still continued to text though, that same night she told him that she was done trying to maintain their friendship and topped that off the next morning with a "sorry for being mean" message and telling him that she was annoyed that he kept flaking out on her.

 

I mentioned to my boyfriend the other day (when she had been trying to call him and he had been ignoring her) that I didn't like her. He kind of brushed it off. I don't want this to cause friction between me and my boyfriend though....I don't know how to go about this. I want to say something and having thought about it, to me HE has three choices: 1) Cut her off, 2) tell her to back off because I don't feel comfortable with how pushy she seems to be, 3) *I* do it for him. Should I really say something? I don't plan on bringing up the fact that I saw her texts just yet...I have enough evidence to support these feelings without the texts. I felt like something was a little off about her but I wasn't sure, the text messages have confirmed it for me.

 

I'm completely fine with him having female friends...I've met some and they've been nice but this Ashley girl is bad news bears. I really don't like her, I don't like the way she acts. She gets drunk on any day of the week and calls my bf late nights, and I don't like the text messages she's sending my boyfriend. If I could tell her, I would do that right now, but I don't know her at all. I feel that she needs to know that he's not available and my boyfriend needs to know that I feel somewhat disrespected by her advances on him.

 

Should I be stern about this with him? If I'm not, I have a feeling he'll tell me to not worry about it. I'm not worried about him at all, he's been good! It's her I'm worried about... how far will she go before it's too late? I need to see him tell her! Is that too much to ask? I've always been laid back with my boyfriend when it comes to everything. I've never been controlling with him but this girl needs to go away.

 

Hopefully someone can give me a good perspective on this!

Edited February 26, 2013 by pony

[imfine]

She sounds like the obnoxious party girl that gets on everyone's nerves to me. She starts texting, calling, etc. because most adults can't/don't party all the time & she needs someone to hang out with. I would bet he's not the only person (male or female) she's contacting. He doesn't respond & it's probably a running joke among his social circle. You sound like a mature, good girlfriend that would never act a fool like the party girl so to you it's absurd, and it is, but not like you think. Your boyfriend is not enticing this girl, she's probably getting on his last nerve but he's too nice to tell her to cut it out. If it bothers you, tell your BF. Let him handle it.

[venusianx13]

Your post sounds very similar to a thread I started a few months ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/363740-my-boyfriend-s-female-friend

 

 

I completely understand your frustration, but I don't believe you have cause to worry, as your boyfriend has not reciprocated to this girl, it seems. If he were responsive to her obnoxious attempts to be the center of his attention, I'd be giving you different advice. I made it very clear to my boyfriend that I was not cool with his friend's behavior and that it was not only annoying, but that it was crossing a boundary, and he agreed with me. I won't ask him to "unfriend" her, but have asked that he not hang out with her on a one-on-one basis, which he was 100% in favor of. As for the times when she will be hanging out in the social circle, well, I'm going to suck it up, smile, and be as kind to her as I possibly can be. I've sat on this for a few months, and I've come to the conclusion that if I cause waves over this, it will be apparent to the rest of my boyfriend's social circle. I truly do not want to be known as "that bitchy girlfriend" who cut him off from his friends. I'd advise you to think about that as well. I realize it takes a LOT of patience to deal with girls such as these. Next time you have to see her, be kind, be cordial, but if she oversteps boundaries, have a plan in place, so you don't just respond in anger. Definitely don't lose your cool; perhaps make a joke... from the sound of it, people already know she's obnoxious and probably won't back her up. (this is my plan, by the way.)

Edited February 26, 2013 by venusianx13

[pony]

Thanks!! It's good to know that people agree and it's not just me. The last thing I want is to be that bitchy girlfriend or to become a lot more clingy because of this, which is the direction this is leading me too. I haven't talked to him about it yet. I'm still trying to figure out a way to talk about it that won't make me or him feel uncomfortable. Knowing him, I have a feeling he will take responsibility for her actions even if I tell him that it's not his fault. He'll probably laugh it off and tell me that I don't need to worry....it's going to be a little tough getting through to him, don't know how involved I should get in getting him to tell her to stop asking him to hang out.

[venusianx13]

Thanks!! It's good to know that people agree and it's not just me. The last thing I want is to be that bitchy girlfriend or to become a lot more clingy because of this, which is the direction this is leading me too. I haven't talked to him about it yet. I'm still trying to figure out a way to talk about it that won't make me or him feel uncomfortable. Knowing him, I have a feeling he will take responsibility for her actions even if I tell him that it's not his fault. He'll probably laugh it off and tell me that I don't need to worry....it's going to be a little tough getting through to him, don't know how involved I should get in getting him to tell her to stop asking him to hang out.

 

 

Let me ask you; has he ever actually taken her up on offers to hang out? The girl in question in my post has asked my boyfriend to hang out a few times, but he understood that it would be inappropriate, so he kind of brushed her off (in a polite way). However, there have been times when he's been invited to the same gatherings as her, and I was okay with it. I don't think your boyfriend will take well to being asked to tell her off, quite honestly. She may be annoying, obnoxious, etc, but he probably still considers her to be a friend. Approach this carefully. Don't make any demands of him. You have every right to calmly convey how you feel about the situation. If he cares for you, he'll do something to change things.

 

This is a slippery slope to walk, especially since you're already feeling insecure and needy. Make sure that when you do talk to him, you are void of negative emotion, people tend to pick up on that and shut down. Speak calmly, with a kind but firm tone of voice, and be sure to maintain composure. I can't speak for what his response will be, but I assure you that it will be far better approaching it this way, than by approaching it during a time you're feeling insecure or needy, or in the midst of an argument.

[NoMoreJerks]

Are you sure he is not deleting items from his text mssg sent mssges folder and outgoing phone calls log? Because that is possible. Any girl would have gotten the hint by now, if he had been ignoring her for this long...

 

I don't think you should be a bitchy gf and demand things of him ,but just be aware of that possibility. Not all cheaters are dumb.

[SadSouls]

Are you sure he is not deleting items from his text mssg sent mssges folder and outgoing phone calls log? Because that is possible. Any girl would have gotten the hint by now, if he had been ignoring her for this long...

 

I don't think you should be a bitchy gf and demand things of him ,but just be aware of that possibility. Not all cheaters are dumb.

 

This is very true, just be aware that he isn't deleting items from his inbox. So easy to do these days on iPhones and Android phones to make it look like he's just ignoring her.

 

You say you trust your boyfriend? That's great, and if you trust that he is actually ignoring her then there really isn't much to be worried about. She seems like that type of girl who has trouble finding people to go out with. I'd imagine if you checked her phone you'd see she's sending the same kind of message to about 20 other people trying to get them to go out with her haha.