I'm so stupid, wife puts her parents first

[dpresedinab]

I'm in my 40s and married for 5 years. We have a 10-year girl who is from my wife's previous marriage and have no plans to have any more children (my wife is 7 years older than me). One unfortunate aspect is that we live with my mother-in-law (MIL), who is long since divorced from my wife's father - owing to the fact that I work 12-hour shifts and my wife also works 'odd' hours (frequently irregular) as a college instructor. Arranging a babysitter has become impossible as no one is willing to come over for 3 hours or so to ensure our child gets off to school, so we are forced to rely to some extent on my MIL to help with things like that. Although I have suggested getting our own home more than once, my wife will not hear of it (part of the reason being she 'feels sorry' for her mother), in addition to the difficulty we have getting a sitter.

 

For most of the time, up until about 18 months ago, everything was going pretty smoothly. In 2011 my father-in-law (FIL), who is 89 and lives in his own home, was diagnosed with mild dementia in addition to multiple other health issues largely associated with aging. He failed his driver's license renewal test and, due to his extreme lameness as well, my wife has been constantly going over to his house and cleaning it, often from top to bottom (my FIL has always been VERY messy). This is in addition to bringing him groceries, driving him to medical/lab appointments, etc. Because he is so weak and has difficulty even going up & down stairs, my wife began demanding that I bathe him (I'm a health-care professional myself). Which I did, albeit reluctantly, but last year I injured myself largely as a result of bathing him and could not work for 7 weeks. Even though he now has home care, most of the people who come will not bathe him and he had to wait several weeks so all the right 'assessments' could be done (I think they were hoping that we would carry on with that aspect of things). Anyway, even after I was injured, my wife CONTINUED to insist that I help with bathing him! Her view was 'he needs a bath and we are the only ones doing it'. I have warned my wife about the possible consequences if I am injured - that if I become permanently injured I am no good to her, our little girl, or work. She acknowledges this but seems to minimize it. Despite all this, my wife is adamant about keeping her dad in his own home; she does not want to put him in a nursing home because she believes he will receive little care in one.

 

During the summer, my wife makes (almost) daily trips over to her dad's house to mow the lawn, pick up the fruit from his fruit trees, weed the garden, etc. For the last 2 years we have refused to plant a garden for her dad because he neglects it, which he seems to accept.

 

This situation sometimes results in daily trips to his house at certain times (Christmas, summer etc). Weekends are ALWAYS devoted to looking after her dad, even at the expense of doing things as a family. In addition, he owns a cabin at a lake 2 hours from here, and we are often going out there during summer - not for holidays, mind you - but to CLEAN and CLEAN and CLEAN some more. My MIL has some interest in this property as well so she expects my help with it. The property is filthy and full of my FIL's 'junk', which we have been taking out and removing. These 'trips' are always a full-day affair, and I am always expected to drive back as everyone else is tired.

 

Although my wife has 2 brothers as well, 1 lives out of state so he is unable to help. The other, although he lives locally, does very little - he will shovel snow from the walks or make household repairs, and sometimes helps out up at the cabin. For the most part though, he is uninvolved - and I believe it was because FIL treated the boys so badly when they were growing up. My MIL defends my wife's middle brother (the local one), always makes excuses for him as he is her personal favorite.

 

It seems we no longer do things together anymore because her father (and 1 brother) come first. In addition, the eldest brother (the one out of state) is in the middle of a messy divorce and has 2 sons. My wife has mentioned the possibility of the youngest coming to live with us if we were asked to. In addition, she has also mentioned sending either my MIL or myself (during one of my extended times off) out to see him to help with things around the house (never mind if I might have plans that week). Having a 4-year-old in the house would make things MUCH more difficult, which I pointed out to my wife. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't seem to care much what I think about that. Nor does my MIL.

 

We also makes annual (and sometimes bi-annual) shopping trips out of state which last 4 days (my wife LOVES to shop). She isn't irresponsible with money; she tends to look more than buy. In any case, because the city she likes to go to is 8 hours away, she insists on dragging me along for the driving and child care. These shopping trips are PAINFUL for me (being a man); I could get my shopping done in an hour or two, but for her it takes DAYS. Most of the time I am expected to take our little girl swimming, which I wouldn't mind except that I have developed a nasty chlorine allergy, which has resulted in my scratching until I bleed! My wife is most unsympathetic and often tries to lay on the guilt if I do not want to do this. I would gladly stay out of the pool and watch but our little girl wants me in the pool and playing with her. These trips are miserable for me and I have repeatedly told my wife I do not want to go; that she is welcome to but leave me out of it. For this, I get the guilt trip laid on me.

 

Physical activity has been a part of my life for the last 15 years. My wife knew this when she married me, yet she seems to resent it if I go out of town to attend a competition. I could understand that if it were several times a year, but less than once a year?!

 

If I am ill with flu or a cold, I am told by my wife and her mother, 'suck it up - we need your help with......', and told to use one of her mother's old home remedies (which are USELESS), yet if either one of them are sick, all they want to do is sleep. I wouldn't object to that if the same courtesy were extended to me, but it's not.

 

We have not had a night out together in almost 3 years! My wife will NOT dress up for anything; her reasoning is always 'I don't have time for that', 'it takes too much effort', 'I can't be bothered', 'it's too much work'. She has given all of her best clothes away to her mother; she also insists that she doesn't want to leave her little girl, even just for a few hours, never mind a weekend together.

 

I never thought I would hear myself saying this, but I am now depressed in my marriage. It seems to me that I come last in my own family; my wife now puts her father, mother & brother ahead of me. To some extent, I can understand putting her daughter first, but not her parents and brother. There's more to life than just looking after elderly parents and shopping trips, which I want to experience but my wife doesn't seem to want me to. If I express my own feelings about what's going on - especially surrounding her dad - she gets all huffy and resentful or minimizes them.

 

I am trying to get time for individual counseling, which I would have gone to this morning had my little girl not been sick and I had to watch her while my MIL went to a church function. Joint counseling is unlikely; my wife does not believe in it. Things have reached the point I am all but at the end of my rope....help!

[xxoo]

Yes, your life sounds very depressing!

 

Why don't you say "No."? For example--the shopping trip. Tell her to go! If she doesn't want to drive, she can fly. If it isn't worth the expense, she can go less often. You can offer to keep the child at home, and have fun, relaxing weekend together with the little girl.

 

Bathing her dad? Just say "No." Tell her we need to find another solution, because you aren't going to bathe him. Pay an aide.

 

Cleaning the cabin? "No."

 

You know, you can hire people do to some of this stuff. Does her father have any money at all? If so, it should be used to pay for some of these services (lawn care, for example).

 

Be sure that you are giving and helpful in a reasonable way. Raising your child (from another marriage) and living with your MIL is already a huge contribution. You could offer ONE weekend a month to help her other family members.

[dj572]

Unfortunately very often when you get married you are marrying the in laws as well. I have seen this happen lots of times. I intentionally moved 2 hours away when I got mattiec to be away from her family and mine. I understand where you are coming from. My last serious relationship my girlfriend made it very clear my needs came after her family. I dealt with it for awhile but they all live close and the whole family stays in each others business constantly. It didn't work for me so I chose to live my own life in my own home. We couldn't go any further like that. It's something you will have to figure out if you can deal with it. Most of the time they will choose their family from what I have seen. God luck.

[dpresedinab]

You know, you can hire people do to some of this stuff. Does her father have any money at all? If so, it should be used to pay for some of these services (lawn care, for example).

 

 

This is a GREAT idea. My FIL is not wealthy but he does own his house outright and does collect pension $. If it were me, I would certainly start using some for this. However, my wife is not likely to go for this as she feels this is 'part of our job' and if we refuse to do it ourselves we are being lazy or selfish (my MIL seems to feel the same way; even though she's long divorced from him, she still helps him with things like the garden or painting sometimes; my wife & I, however, do the lion's share). I think the financial side of it may also be part of the reason she is so insistent on keeping him in his own home, in addition to the other reasons previously mentioned.

[dpresedinab]

You could offer ONE weekend a month to help her other family members.

 

No objection there. I could certainly go for that.

[dpresedinab]

Unfortunately very often when you get married you are marrying the in laws as well.

Most of the time they will choose their family from what I have seen. God luck.

 

WOW....pretty disturbing. Last time I looked, her mother & father and brother weren't among the people I made vows to. Yet, as you point out, it's like I'm also married to them and all the craziness that comes with them. If she does in fact choose her parents & brother over me, I don't yet know how I'll respond but at least I'll know where I stand, even if I don't like it.

[dpresedinab]

 

 

Bathing her dad? Just say "No." Tell her we need to find another solution, because you aren't going to bathe him. Pay an aide.

 

 

Ironic you mention that - we already have aides coming into the house. Unfortunately it depends on which particular ones come. There is one who is AWESOME and always ensure my FIL is bathed, clean and the house is clean. The rest are just about useless. Unfortunately multiple complaints to the agency from my wife & I have gotten us nowhere; I have even had a supervisor give me attitude and threaten to cancel the aides, suggesting rather rudely that 'the family should step up to the plate'. As the state health agency chooses which firms will provide home care, we have no say in who comes to provide it. The irony is that we are already paying for aides who seldom do what they're supposed to! The aides' failure to bathe him is part of the reason I am in this situation, and when I have told my wife 'No' she gets all huffy and bitter - as in, 'how dare you refuse to help my elderly father when he needs regular baths!'.

[todreaminblue]

if you wan ta marriage or for that matter a relationship to work , it must come first, you have to be willing to give up and compromise even sacrifice other things..i loathe moving especially interstate moves i am a wreck when it happens...i left my family(my mother and my sister) my best friend my house......to be with my partner at the time and it was a huge move.......i did that quite a few times....i did it to keep our relationship going to show my commitment not only to show but live it.....turns out he wasnt as committed as me.....i still stand by what i did, i will always put a relationship first...i would always put a partner first and soem may say i have ti wrong i really dont care, my best friend understands my family understands ...i hav eto do what makes me happy because otherwise i would suffer.....

 

yoru wife might not agree with joint counselling but she needs to see that you are unhappy and strive to fix it .counseling sounds like a good start...so is communication it is key..you are doing the hard yards solely it doesnt work.......family friends all very important...but a life partner is exactly that..thats the person who is integral in your life....the core....if you dont have a steady core....well...explosion imminent....and everything else family friends will suffer along with that unstable core...it does no good for anyone to ignore that....especially your wife...if you werent there....she would suffer..as would your daughter.she just doesnt realize it...hopefully it wont be too late before she does........deb

[Janesays]

Well, I think your wife is setting a decent example for your daughter. Families take care of each other. Someday you will also be old and unable to take care of yourself, and when that little girl comes and mows your lawn, you will appreciate the values she learned from your wife.

 

Now. I can see how you might be overwhelmed and I suggest you tell your wife that. "I realize that it is our responsibility to care for each other, but I am overwhelmed. Can we please hire some help?"

 

But if your suggestion is for her to abandon completely the very people who took care if her, raised her, loved her, in their time of need, then I think you'll get a realty check big time. Husband's come and go. Blood is forever. The two are only equals when they behave as equals and ditching out on family obligations is not behaving as an equal.

 

Again, I ask you to remember that you will get old too. How do YOU want to be taken care of in your time of need? You only get what you're willing to give in life.

[coffeebean201]

is your wife trying to be the perfect daughter with imperfect parents...and choking off her marriage in the process?

[todreaminblue]

Well, I think your wife is setting a decent example for your daughter. Families take care of each other. Someday you will also be old and unable to take care of yourself, and when that little girl comes and mows your lawn, you will appreciate the values she learned from your wife.

 

Now. I can see how you might be overwhelmed and I suggest you tell your wife that. "I realize that it is our responsibility to care for each other, but I am overwhelmed. Can we please hire some help?"

 

But if your suggestion is for her to abandon completely the very people who took care if her, raised her, loved her, in their time of need, then I think you'll get a realty check big time. Husband's come and go. Blood is forever. The two are only equals when they behave as equals and ditching out on family obligations is not behaving as an equal.

 

Again, I ask you to remember that you will get old too. How do YOU want to be taken care of in your time of need? You only get what you're willing to give in life.

 

 

i agree with you jane on not abandoning parents but i dont agree with the husbands come and go thing......its meant to be forsake all others......disposable marriages are i think the cause of many problems that seep over into society....fatherless children...for one..........forsaking doesnt mean abandoning family it means putting your husbands needs above others needs......maybe i am archaic prehistoric in my views......i would never abandon my family......never have.....i have been a good daughtr and a good friend to those who know m e...even good to peopel i dotn know...ina relationship i am also a loyal partner who doesnt think a relationship is disposable....maybe because i have been disposed of.....i think that gives perspective......people are not disposable....family friends....and surely not husbands...marriages shouldnt be disposable not when you stand up in front of god and everyone else who you love and say that its forever with basically a promise....promises should be kept........i ahev never heard a marriage vow say....." yeah maybe we will stick it out....que sera sera if it doesnt work ill get another husband later easy come easy go".....who would want to stand up and say that and be taken seriously..deb

[dpresedinab]

 

But if your suggestion is for her to abandon completely the very people who took care if her, raised her, loved her, in their time of need, then I think you'll get a realty check big time. Husband's come and go. Blood is forever. The two are only equals when they behave as equals and ditching out on family obligations is not behaving as an equal.

 

 

Janesays...

 

With all due respect, I have NEVER suggested - or believed - that my wife should 'abandon' her parents, as you put. And actually, her father was a bully to her and her siblings growing up - and her mother is a self-righteous, rude bully who believes herself to be the model of perfection. I simply put up with her rubbish because I have to. What I am upset about is having my needs ignored ALL the time, in favor of her parents. We do not have a life anymore, as I emphasized in my OP - our lives have become almost completely FIXATED around looking after her father, and I am tired of it. I am not getting any younger either, but I would like my daughter to have a life of her own and not constantly worry about me in my old age. From your description, it appears I will come out the loser, no matter how you slice it.

[dpresedinab]

i agree with you jane on not abandoning parents but i dont agree with the husbands come and go thing......its meant to be forsake all others......disposable marriages are i think the cause of many problems that seep over into society....fatherless children...for one..........forsaking doesnt mean abandoning family it means putting your husbands needs above others needs......maybe i am archaic prehistoric in my views......i would never abandon my family......never have.....i have been a good daughtr and a good friend to those who know m e...even good to peopel i dotn know...ina relationship i am also a loyal partner who doesnt think a relationship is disposable....maybe because i have been disposed of.....i think that gives perspective......people are not disposable....family friends....and surely not husbands...marriages shouldnt be disposable not when you stand up in front of god and everyone else who you love and say that its forever with basically a promise....promises should be kept........i ahev never heard a marriage vow say....." yeah maybe we will stick it out....que sera sera if it doesnt work ill get another husband later easy come easy go".....who would want to stand up and say that and be taken seriously..deb

 

Thank you for the understanding todreaminblue. As I said to Janesays, I have NEVER suggested 'abandoning' her parents - I am simply tired of always being ignored in favor of them.

[dpresedinab]

is your wife trying to be the perfect daughter with imperfect parents...and choking off her marriage in the process?

 

Hard to say Coffeebean201. Might be the case.

[dpresedinab]

Husband's come and go. Blood is forever. The two are only equals when they behave as equals and ditching out on family obligations is not behaving as an equal.

 

 

I find it sad & disturbing that you think husbands 'come and go', and are seemingly something to be easily disposed of.

 

As for 'ditching out on family obligations', too bad you couldn't tell that to my wife's middle brother who has stuck us with most of the burden here; he does the bare minimum and no more.

[Janesays]

I find it sad & disturbing that you think husbands 'come and go', and are seemingly something to be easily disposed of.

 

As for 'ditching out on family obligations', too bad you couldn't tell that to my wife's middle brother who has stuck us with most of the burden here; he does the bare minimum and no more.

 

Is your wife the eldest? People with very close knit families know that it falls on the eldest child's shoulders to take most of the responsibility for their parents. That's normal.

 

I think a lot of people don't understand that family is more than just your children and SO. And by 'sacrificing' these relationships, they are setting themselves up for disaster. When a spouse dies, becomes abusive, or leaves you for a younger model, who is going to stand by you? Well, no one. Not if you blew everyone in the world off for the sake of your marriage.

 

The fact that people seem to only care about maintaining one relationship when they grow old is why so many people end up alone.

 

Also, how do you want to live your last 20 years on this planet? Stuck in some nursing home with a bunch of strangers who condescend to you and don't care if you later live or die? Eating horrible food, parked in front of the TV for hours at a time, drugged silly to keep you from being difficult and almost completely ignored outside of your 'maybe' once a week visit from whoever guilted into seeing you that week?

 

Or do you want to be lovingly cared for by your family?

 

Again, people only get what they're willing to give. I think that might be something you want to consider when you're whining about your back and your chlorine allergy and the fact that you're a MAN who considers shopping torture.

 

People live their lives as if they are invincible and don't realize that old age is LONG. We're talking about a decade or TWO. Most people are completely abandoned during that time by the the very people they spend their entered lives loving and caring for and they wonder why.

 

This is why: when you fail to live up to your duties in caring for your family, you cant be surprised when your children learn that it is completely OK to do that to you.

 

Good luck with those bed sores and stolen teeth.

[dpresedinab]

Is your wife the eldest? People with very close knit families know that it falls on the eldest child's shoulders to take most of the responsibility for their parents. That's normal.

 

I think a lot of people don't understand that family is more than just your children and SO. And by 'sacrificing' these relationships, they are setting themselves up for disaster. When a spouse dies, becomes abusive, or leaves you for a younger model, who is going to stand by you? Well, no one. Not if you blew everyone in the world off for the sake of your marriage.

 

The fact that people seem to only care about maintaining one relationship when they grow old is why so many people end up alone.

 

Also, how do you want to live your last 20 years on this planet? Stuck in some nursing home with a bunch of strangers who condescend to you and don't care if you later live or die? Eating horrible food, parked in front of the TV for hours at a time, drugged silly to keep you from being difficult and almost completely ignored outside of your 'maybe' once a week visit from whoever guilted into seeing you that week?

 

Or do you want to be lovingly cared for by your family?

 

Again, people only get what they're willing to give. I think that might be something you want to consider when you're whining about your back and your chlorine allergy and the fact that you're a MAN who considers shopping torture.

 

People live their lives as if they are invincible and don't realize that old age is LONG. We're talking about a decade or TWO. Most people are completely abandoned during that time by the the very people they spend their entered lives loving and caring for and they wonder why.

 

This is why: when you fail to live up to your duties in caring for your family, you cant be surprised when your children learn that it is completely OK to do that to you.

 

Good luck with those bed sores and stolen teeth.

 

Janesays...

 

No, my wife is not the oldest - she is actually the youngest. The oldest would be my brother-in-law who lives out of state (and is unable to help with things here).

 

I find it incredibly rude that you consider it 'whining' when I am injured as a result of caring for my wife's father and do not want to participate in my wife's shopping trips. NEVER, EVER have I said my wife should abandon those things - just leave me out of them. You seem to conveniently ignore the FACT that if I am injured as a result of helping care for my FIL, I WILL NOT be covered in any way, shape or form (and will physically be no good to anyone!). What you don't seem to understand - and the message I was trying to convey in my original post - is that my needs have been COMPLETELY ignored in favor of her parents and brother. You have obviously taken my wife's side and believe I should simply 'suck it up' as my wife & MIL would say. Sorry, that doesn't cut it. The fact you seem to ignore is that I simply want to be listened to and have my needs at least acknowledged.

 

As for your condescending comments about 'good luck with those bedsores/stolen teeth', take a hike. I have GIVEN an AWFUL lot to my wife in helping to care for her father for the last 18 months, something you have chosen to ignore. Now that I am at the end of my rope, I am somehow viewed as selfish. I have acknowledged to other posters my willingness to help out once a month with him, but that's another thing you seem to have missed. I didn't marry my FIL or MIL; I married my wife! Yet I seem to come last in my own home, and you blow me off as being selfish (not to mention your sneering remark about my gender).

[CC12]

This is a GREAT idea. My FIL is not wealthy but he does own his house outright and does collect pension $. If it were me, I would certainly start using some for this. However, my wife is not likely to go for this as she feels this is 'part of our job' and if we refuse to do it ourselves we are being lazy or selfish

 

No. It is part of her job, if she chooses to take on those responsibilities. I think this is where you both should rethink this position. She should understand that it's not your job, and anything you help with is a huge favor that she should be very grateful for. And you should understand that it's not your responsibility to give up your entire life to help. Yeah, I know, "family comes first, we need to help the elderly, etc." And that's fine, but you can't do that at the expense of your own life and your own marriage.

 

You've got to learn how to say no. You really come across as a doormat and a people-pleaser to a fault. Sorry. You don't seem to stand up for yourself. Let me write some lines for you to use for next time: "I'm allergic to chlorine, so no, I won't take the kids swimming." Or "No, I'm not interested in giving up my weekend to clean some house on the lake that I have nothing to do with. I'll stay home with the kids." Or "Sorry, but I can't bathe your father anymore due to that fact that it might hurt my back and also I just don't want to. Let's look into hiring a private healthcare provider to come in twice a week to do it."

 

If she won't acknowledge that your married life is a little unbalanced, then...I don't know. If your life is as you describe, that sucks for you, and I don't know how any spouse could just continue this pattern like it's acceptable.

[dpresedinab]

My apologies to other posters for not replying sooner; I have had internet issues the last 2 weeks!

 

Yes, I KNOW I have been FAR too complacent. And actually, even though I can no longer stand my MIL, it is actually my FIL that is the bulk of the problem. I don't believe in simply abandoning aging parents but they are not the focus of my life, and I have come to resent my wife's incessant demands. You are not the first one to tell me 'Grow a set'.

 

Also, the situation with my FIL was a non-issue until this last 18 months.

 

I am trying to get up enough inner strength to deal with this. Unfortunately, when I have done 'grown a pair' in the past, things ended very badly for me - more so at school and work than in relationships. This is what's kept me from growing a set. We have not had a confrontation over these issues in a few weeks but I know one's coming, just a matter of when...

Edited March 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sparty97]

You need to grow a spine.

 

Say "no" and mean it. If she chooses to pitch a fit just deal with it. Pick one or two fights. Refuse the shopping trip, refuse to bathe her father. It's her father if she wants him clean she can take care of it.

 

If she wants to choose to be martyr that's on her, it shouldn't have as much of an effect on you as it is. There are tons of reputable facilities that specialize in dementia and alzheimers patients. My mother in law spent her last few years in one and it was the best thing we could have done for her. She was a danger to herself at her home.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you need to have a backbone and tell your wife no.

 

If you don't help as much, it may motivate her to get more outside help for him or move him to a nursing home.

 

I do understand that she feels responsible for him, but it's not fair for her to expect you to meet his needs at the detriment of your own health/body.

 

I would also try to understand that this is a very stressful time in your wife's life. She has to meet her child's needs, she feels responsbile for her parents needs, and you are feeling negelcted, as well. She is stretched thin. Help her as much as you can, but set boundaries. Do you best to help her find solutions, but be assertive when it comes to what you are not willing to do.

 

As for her getting all huffy and bitter if you say no, so what? She'll get over it. You can't let yourself be bossed around just because you are afraid of her reaction. That's conflict avoidance and it's not an attractive trait. You may think that doing whatever she wants pleases her, but that sort of behavior actually kills sexual attraction.

 

Maybe she is not respecting you because you are not demanding respect.

[Nyla]

In a marriage, spouses come first period. Adults getting married are to shift their loyalty to their new families and refrain from putting the family of origin above their spouses. Anyone who thinks that "husbands come and go" does not understand the process of individuation.

 

Having said that, I have a lot of sympathy for the way your wife wants to help her father. She must feel obligated which makes sense. It is okay for her to help her father, but not to the point where her own marriage is put last. One day her father will die and if you are gone, who will your wife have to turn to? Caring for parents is one thing, but endangering spouse's physical and emotional health is quite another. Your wife is treating you like an errand boy.

 

I'm not going to berate you for being a doormat. I'm only going to say that you need to set limits and boundaries with your wife. The fact that she thinks getting dressed up to go out with her husband is "too much effort" despite all that you do for her is a huge red flag. If her father is worth effort but not you, maybe she should go marry her father. Sounds harsh but when a spouse puts parents above her partner, she is not being a good wife.

 

I never let the wishes of my parents compromise my marriage. My husband comes first, especially since my family is toxic and dysfunctional. I would look after my dad, but not my mother because she was very cruel to me for a long time. She thinks that I should take her in if my father cheats on her again, but I would never do such a thing. My husband and I need our space as a married couple.

Edited March 17, 2013 by Nyla