Ex is moving abroad – should I do anything before that happens?

[Standard-Fare]

I found out recently that my ex-BF is moving across the world in June, for two years. I'm actually pretty relieved about this, because it provides the nail in the coffin I mentally need. But I'm wondering if I should take any actions or do anything before he leaves to set a tone for the future.

 

To give a brief background: We broke up our two-year relationship over a year ago fairly mutually. Though I loved him, I let him go because I was disappointed in his habits as a 31-year-old pothead. I was OK for a while, but started to really regret the breakup when I got back into the dating scene. Realized with horror just how much I had underestimated him, how unconditionally he had accepted me. I recognized also that we are two square pegs with unconventional values that are hard to find.

 

I tried to be in touch several times but it didn't happen until December, when we got back together for one very nice night where had dinner and slept together. We didn't have a big talk about "where we were going" ... and it never had the chance to happen, because of miscommunications afterward where he ended up just shutting down. On Valentine's Day I tried for a romantic leap of faith, aiming to tell him I was in love, but it blew up in my face. I discovered he was dating someone else.

 

We exchanged a couple of careful text messages afterwards, during which he told me was heading abroad for a teaching job in June. As I said, I'm actually very relieved about this news. Over the past few weeks I've come to terms with the fact that we're not getting back together, I've been on a couple dates, and I'm feeling generally OK.

 

What I'm NOT cool with, however, is the prospect of never seeing this guy again in my life. The thought fills me with nausea. I'd like for us to be on positive, open terms when he leaves the continent. I think there's potential for us to be cool with each other in the future, whether as just exes who can root for each other and follow each other on Facebook without hostility, or... who knows, friendship or something more down the line.

 

My goal is to try either meet with him sometime before he leaves. Basically I'd like to hear about his plans, wish him well, and wrap up this chapter of our lives on a positive note.

 

Thoughts on whether this is appropriate? Or is just totally misguided and delusional? And if I do decide to propose it, any advice for how to handle that? I know I'd need to be very delicate.

[H3Drvr]

If you both are truly in a friends only based status, then nothing really needs to change in terms of how you communicate with each other. Technology will allow you to still keep in touch and be each others life cheerleaders.

 

However, based on what you posted, it seems like you really don't want him to move and that you feel that him leaving for another country means never having a second chance. If there is supposed to be a second chance then it will happen...when it happens.

[Standard-Fare]

I guess you're right, there's a small part of me that's wondering if something more could happen down the line.

 

The timing has never been right with us ... we both had a LOT of growing up to do when we met and though I feel I've made progress on that since, I'm not sure he has as much.

 

I do wonder if there will be some new moments of clarity and maturity for him when he's on his own living abroad. I know he's going to be pretty isolated at first, which might provide some time for reflection. As opposed to, say, now -- when he's obviously sleeping with another girl in what must be a noncommitted relationship (since he's about to head off).

 

However, I do doubt whether there's any chance of us keeping in any touch at all unless contact is made before he leaves. The last time we saw each other was December and we're basically in silent mode now. I'm worried that if we leave things be, that tie is just severed forever.

 

Maybe worth adding: Part of his immaturity is he's just really not in touch with emotions. He's kind of a stoic caveman type who hides his heart. He's completely shut down on me before in instances where I thought he just was being a b*stard but I later realized his feelings were hurt. He's projected coldness at times during which I later learned he was hopelessly in love with me. In other words -- he's completely impossible to read.

[H3Drvr]

Well seems like there has been no positive progression that has occurred in the past year so I would go out on a limb here and say the ties that bind you is non-existant at this point. Even your last two encounters weren't very fruitful. As for his current GF, your just speculating about the how they feel about each other; it could go both ways...they break it off or maybe she move abroad with him. I'm 80% certain that if you were still together, you would consider moving with him as well.

 

Anyway, Like I said, you can try to maintain LC in hopes that maybe he may later come around later but that just delays your healing process and ability to move on. Think about it, you two haven't been together for a year but your still thinking about him and hoping he'll come around. Go live your life and go have fun.

 

On another note, I see your in the DC area, you going to Shamrock Fest? Not sure if your into that type of music and green beer but that's usually a lot fun time!

[Standard-Fare]

H3DVR, I know what you're saying is true. I guess I just don't want to accept it.

[Standard-Fare]

When I look very honestly into my desire to see him before he leaves, I can see that I want to sleep with him one more time and be reminded of our connection. And I want it to happen so he can in some way prove that this thing with the new girl isn't significant, and so he can keep me in his mind when he travels.

 

So, yeah, that's definitely f*cked up, unrealistic, unhealthy, and I can't do it. He'll probably see right through me, too, if I get in touch with him proposing a meetup.

 

I believe the answer is a short/sweet email with a positive tone and no subtext of anger or desire to get back together -- just wishing him the best. If he ever wants or needs to be in touch with me in the future, I know he will be able to do that. But that's not something I can hold out hope for.

 

Right now I don't know exactly how to kill that hope, but I know when he's across the world it will be a hell of a lot easier.

[Standard-Fare]

Weird update here:

 

I ended up just writing him a brief text wishing him the best on his travels. And then he called me. We had a long, good conversation.

 

I acknowledged I still have feelings for him but said I knew they were futile given the situation. We talked about our relationship a bit, and some of our mistakes. He told me there would always be a special place for me in his heart. We discussed the possibility of keeping in touch in some limited, non-romantic format while he's abroad.

 

There's not much to be done with my feelings -- they just have to be extinguished -- but it was good to have this conversation. It really surprised me.

[Standard-Fare]

Oops, I spoke too soon. This didn't end up being so awesome.

 

So that conversation we had, that was very healthy and mature and refreshing, got cut off by his dead phone. As his cell was dying, he was like, "I'm sorry, this is cutting out, but we should continue talking -- I'll call you back."

 

He did so the next night, but I wasn't able to talk then. The next day, I tried myself and he didn't answer. The day after that, I texted -- no response. I was confused because he did genuinely seem interested in continuing and he was so cool with me on the phone before.

 

I tried once more the next day. Mistake. He seemed angry. He said he didn't understand why I was calling, what more did I want, etc. I spoke my mind a little bit, reemphasized that I still had feelings and told him if there was ever a possibility of exploring them in the future, I'd keep an open mind.

 

Somehow that led to him getting very harsh with me -- telling me he didn't have any feelings for me, that he had moved on entirely, and that we would never under any circumstances get back together. And guess what, his phone died again while he was in the midst of that. I was so unnerved by the conversation that I tried calling him back later, which I know was foolish and pathetic.

 

I am so confused by the whole turn of events. Why would he call me in the first place if he felt this way? My "enjoy your travels" text could have been easily ignored. And why would he be so cool and kind in one conversation -- and express a genuine interest in continuing to talk -- and then get explosive and cruel in the next one, making me feel like I'm just a nuisance and a creep?

 

I accept that I'll just never understand the ups and downs of his emotions. But he's finally said the words that seal the deal -- no feelings for me, never getting back together. I guess I needed to hear that to know for sure. So I'm, of course, back to no contact. Deleted his number and don't have it memorized, blocked his email address, blocked myself from being able to view his FB page.

 

Whenever I have any doubts or feelings of nostalgia or hope, all I have to do is remember those words. Also, I learned during the conversation that he still smokes weed every single day. I'm sure it still starts the second he wakes up. So, he's still got the addiction that scared me away in the first place. Important for me to remember.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Standard-Fare