singme2sleep Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 We've all heard this phrase before, but how true is it? Then there's my other favorite, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." It's been exactly 6 weeks since me and my ex split, and 4 solid weeks of no-contact. I know this method is supposed to be used to help yourself heal after a breakup, however I've heard that it can lead to reconciliation. Of course nothing in life is guaranteed, there's just a small part of me that wants to hope we'll get back together. Since most of us are on here because we're going through heartache and need advice, I'm wondering if anyone knows someone else who reunited with an ex after some time of no-contact. Every situation is different, but a successful NC story (even if it's a friend of a friend lol) would really cheer me up right now... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 I think it can be true to an extent. But after too much time goes by I do believe "out of sight out of mind"... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Some years ago, an ex of mine broke up with me for a number of reasons...hiding my phone too much, blowing her off to hang with friends, etc. Despite these flaws, I was always a good guy to her. I never raised my voice or a hand to her and always treated her with respect. Well, in October(day before Halloween) she came to her breaking point, accused me of cheating(didn't really cheat) and basically told me to leave her alone. I tried like hell to win her back but she wasn't having it. She changed her number, deleted me on Facebook and just ghosted out on my life. I didn't attempt to call her and we both went NC until February...when she finally sent me a text asking me why I was such a jerk, why did I do that to her, etc, etc. She also mentioned she missed me and wanted to meet up with me to discuss things. I met up with her, we tried again and inevitably failed because I wasn't willing to work on my own problems(I enjoy the single life). Had I truly changed, we would've worked out well I believe. But in summation, after months of NC, we did reconcile if only for a bit. Luckily, we both moved on without any resentment or hate towards each other. With my current ex, we broke up twice in the past for months at a time only to reconcile. It happens but you really have to fix what went wrong in the relationship. I did not do this. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Thunderchild Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 From what I've read in the literature, reconciliations are few and far between (sorry). The dumper has second thoughts, however, the dumpee has usually moved on. That's the true value of No Contact! Sucessful reconciliations are almost non-existent! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted February 26, 2013 Author Share Posted February 26, 2013 AlexfromBoston- I appreciate your reply. For my situation it's hard because our breakup was a case of "right person, wrong time". I know I'm not perfect, but the problem with our relationship was his issues not mine. I know I was good to him and I loved him with all my heart (still do). It's like the world got in the way. Some people would say that if you love a person, you hold onto them no matter what. But I think that certain things are out of our control. And as much as I never thought I'd believe this...sometimes love isn't enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Addison312 Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 It's like the world got in the way. Some people would say that if you love a person, you hold onto them no matter what. But I think that certain things are out of our control. And as much as I never thought I'd believe this...sometimes love isn't enough. You're a couple weeks ahead of me, but I'm pretty sure we are going through the same breakup. It helps me to keep thinking...I don't want him to come back. You know why? Because I'm looking for someone to settle down with and marry. I don't want a man who I can't trust with my feelings anymore. He left twice due to being "stressed, overwhelmed, and unhappy with life." Supposedly it had nothing to do with me. I can't be afraid of having a husband/SO who may or may not leave. That's not how I want to live my life. I deserve someone who appreciates me and our relationship and so do you. Your ex needs space. So does mine. Let's give them what they asked for. Better days are near. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Sing, if he truly loved you he will be back. But you can't force a person to love or miss you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder...but only if his heart was in the right place before the breakup. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Addison, it's kinda nice to know that my situation is more common. But it sucks watching someone you love walk away. I do see your point, nobody wants a "fair weather" relationship, however sometimes you have to lose someone to really appreciate them. Have you had contact with your ex since the split? Alex, you're right and thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 .... has anyone seen any posts where a dumpee claimed the dumper called them back to reconcile? I haven't!! Alexboston story is different....again he was a "jerk" in the relationship and she had a specific reason for dumping him yet she came back asking for more...he forced her hand to dump him..so really to me sounds like he dumped her indirectly. Other than cases like these, I do not believe dumpers hearts grow fonder in absence. Remember they are already over you by the time they dump you...they want you OUT of their lives forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 .... has anyone seen any posts where a dumpee claimed the dumper called them back to reconcile? I haven't!! Alexboston story is different....again he was a "jerk" in the relationship and she had a specific reason for dumping him yet she came back asking for more...he forced her hand to dump him..so really to me sounds like he dumped her indirectly. Other than cases like these, I do not believe dumpers hearts grow fonder in absence. Remember they are already over you by the time they dump you...they want you OUT of their lives forever. Yeah, this isn't really true. I have a friend getting married this summer who was separated from his ex (who dumped him) for a year. I know a guy who is dating a woman who dumped him 20 years ago when then were in high school. My sister is back with her ex, who dumped her, tried to get her back, went six months NC before they reconciled. It happens. It's not a high percentage, but it definitely occurs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
A n t h o n y Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 It happens. I dated an Ex for 2 years was literally a week away from proposing to her and I found out she was cheating on me. 3 months later after I moved on she showed up at my house begging for me back literally on her knees at my door and it took everything I had to stay composed and tell her I've moved on I'm happy and etc etc. she was telling me how the guy she left me for was so awful and blah blah but I recently found out they are getting married. I'd say I dodged a bullet, she's crazy and will never be happy. She's never truly had time to work on herself, jumping from relationship to relationship will burn her in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Yeah, this isn't really true. I have a friend getting married this summer who was separated from his ex (who dumped him) for a year. I know a guy who is dating a woman who dumped him 20 years ago when then were in high school. My sister is back with her ex, who dumped her, tried to get her back, went six months NC before they reconciled. It happens. It's not a high percentage, but it definitely occurs. Like I mentioned, there are cases in specific circumstances. But, I am not trying to give anyone hope when the occurrence is so rare. Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I know of a couple where the guy dumped the girl because they were each other's first relationships and he wanted to go see other people. She didn't speak to him for six months, and then he came crawling back. She initially declined but after some time gave him a second chance. They broke up again after, I think, but remained friends and might be together again now? I'm not sure. I'm also not sure that that's a success story at all. I think some people just kind of can't let go of an attachment even when it's not that good for them... Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Like I mentioned, there are cases in specific circumstances. But, I am not trying to give anyone hope when the occurrence is so rare. Well reconciliations in general are rare. But most exes come back in some form regardless of who dumped who. I've had an ex who I had an extremely toxic breakup with come back over a year later wanting to reconcile (she dumped me). I had others want to reconnect several years later. Why does this happen? Because as time moves forward, you forget the bad stuff at the end (assuming there wasn't any stalking, abuse, truly antisocial behavior) and you remember the good times. If you don't do the crazy needy stuff in the aftermath, then there are even fewer things to "forget" with time. That's why NC, while its to heal yourself, can sometimes have the added benefit of bringing the other person back. But you said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't hold at all and I gave three real-life examples just from my peers that disproves that. I get that you are trying to prevent people from getting overexcited and having unreasonable hopes and I support that. But in my experience, what you said is wrong. Had you said it was a low-percentage play, I wouldn't have said anything because I agree with you. But you didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 AlexfromBoston- I appreciate your reply. For my situation it's hard because our breakup was a case of "right person, wrong time". I know I'm not perfect, but the problem with our relationship was his issues not mine. I know I was good to him and I loved him with all my heart (still do). It's like the world got in the way. Some people would say that if you love a person, you hold onto them no matter what. But I think that certain things are out of our control. And as much as I never thought I'd believe this...sometimes love isn't enough. You're going through the same exact thing as me. He even described it like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Addison312 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Addison, it's kinda nice to know that my situation is more common. But it sucks watching someone you love walk away. I do see your point, nobody wants a "fair weather" relationship, however sometimes you have to lose someone to really appreciate them. Have you had contact with your ex since the split? No, not a single word. As much as I would like to hear from him and wish things could be different, I'm reminding myself constantly that he broke it off. I know I'll never contact him, and I also know he must respect my healing process because he knows how badly it hurt for him to leave twice. Who knows...maybe a year down the road he will call. I'm not holding out for that though...it messes with my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 I'm grateful for everyone's feedback. I'm not saying that it's definite either way. One cannot say they always come back, or they always don't because people are unique and circumstances are different. I once had an ex contact me 5 months after I broke up with HIM, asking if I wanted to meet for coffee. I politely declined going, because the reason I originally ended things was simply to the fact that I didn't love him. But my point is, his feelings didn't just go away while we were apart, and we had zero communication after the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
LostOne1 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Well reconciliations in general are rare. But most exes come back in some form regardless of who dumped who. I've had an ex who I had an extremely toxic breakup with come back over a year later wanting to reconcile (she dumped me). I had others want to reconnect several years later. Why does this happen? Because as time moves forward, you forget the bad stuff at the end (assuming there wasn't any stalking, abuse, truly antisocial behavior) and you remember the good times. If you don't do the crazy needy stuff in the aftermath, then there are even fewer things to "forget" with time. That's why NC, while its to heal yourself, can sometimes have the added benefit of bringing the other person back. But you said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't hold at all and I gave three real-life examples just from my peers that disproves that. I get that you are trying to prevent people from getting overexcited and having unreasonable hopes and I support that. But in my experience, what you said is wrong. Had you said it was a low-percentage play, I wouldn't have said anything because I agree with you. But you didn't. Hate to say it, because earlier I never wanted to accept it. But if it was broken before.. chances are it will break again. So it's best to move on like you state. It's hard to hear for some people, I know it was super hard for me to accept it. But in the end it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
adelia Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Yes and sometimes wiser Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Addison- How long after you split up the first time, did he come back? Link to post Share on other sites
Coping Vortex Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 We've all heard this phrase before, but how true is it? Then there's my other favorite, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." It's been exactly 6 weeks since me and my ex split, and 4 solid weeks of no-contact. I know this method is supposed to be used to help yourself heal after a breakup, however I've heard that it can lead to reconciliation. Of course nothing in life is guaranteed, there's just a small part of me that wants to hope we'll get back together. Since most of us are on here because we're going through heartache and need advice, I'm wondering if anyone knows someone else who reunited with an ex after some time of no-contact. Every situation is different, but a successful NC story (even if it's a friend of a friend lol) would really cheer me up right now... Funny my ex said to me a few weeks after the BU (she started dating some new guy) that she was not "in" love with me but she was in love with the memory of me. Cut to a few weeks ago and she tells me that was not true, that she is indeed still "IN" love with me. That the she misses the affection and emoting that we had in our relationship and that she isn't that close to her new guy. I told her that everyday that goes by that I assumed she would be forgetting me more and more. She said quite the contrary that she was thinking of me more. Sounds like absence makes the heart grow finder right? Well she is still with him and not me. I couldn't even get her to see me for a friendly lunch. So don't take any solace in any false hope of them missing you enough to want you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I wouldn't say all dumpers walkaway, I think that is a bold statement. I am a dumper and I walked away yet I regret the decision big time partly because it was done without thought. I say done without thought I had been miserable for a month before. Sure things weren't right in the relationship but space makes people realise what they have lost. I have looked into nc but many websites state it as a manipulative or healing tool. Consider the toronto love doctor who states communication is critical in getting an ex back. Dont know which method u should choose? Link to post Share on other sites
Coping Vortex Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I wouldn't say all dumpers walkaway, I think that is a bold statement. I am a dumper and I walked away yet I regret the decision big time partly because it was done without thought. I say done without thought I had been miserable for a month before. Sure things weren't right in the relationship but space makes people realise what they have lost. I have looked into nc but many websites state it as a manipulative or healing tool. Consider the toronto love doctor who states communication is critical in getting an ex back. Dont know which method u should choose? Funny I read that too. Her mindset is NC is the death if a relationship. I have to agree. Lack of communication is what kills many relationships in the first place. So I do get the fact if you insert your self by keeping in touch with them here and there it will keep the dumper from thinking you are some long ago relationship. But if there really is no hope then you are torturing yourself or at the very least be prepared that if it does work to get them back that it maybe after a long time months or years. I read a book by a psychiatrist that said to ever have a chance to get your ex back you have to be current in their lives. He advocates sending a card for every holiday even Arbor Day anything. Lol. Once in awhile drop them an email. His thought is you don't want them to think of you as ancient history. You want them to jolt them to remind them of you. That you are current and very much alive. You just don't want to be in a constant state of communication where you become a pest. Just subtle reminders. Communication from time to time. Maybe meet for coffee after a period of time. Not sure this will work but this particular psychiatrist believes this is your best chance. He feels NC will kill any chance to reconcile. However I do feel if its really over sending cards and subtle reminders won't help. If I knew something that would work I would have done it. For me I gave up trying and have gone NC. the last she said to me was that "I'm not giving up on us" then she proceeded to stay at her bf's house the next 5 nights. I'm no contact. If she doesn't want to give up on us. She knows where to find me. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I wouldn't say all dumpers walkaway, I think that is a bold statement. I am a dumper and I walked away yet I regret the decision big time partly because it was done without thought. I say done without thought I had been miserable for a month before. Sure things weren't right in the relationship but space makes people realise what they have lost. I have looked into nc but many websites state it as a manipulative or healing tool. Consider the toronto love doctor who states communication is critical in getting an ex back. Dont know which method u should choose? The Toronto love doctor is as militantly anti-NC as CaliGuy is pro-NC. I personally think her advice isn't very realistic or helpful. She basically accuses dumpees of using NC for abuse when it is used as a tool to allow the dumpee to heal and to get their mind right. I don't understand her logic for a second on how the dumpee is the bad guy for trying to heal themselves after being given the psychological blow of being dumped. Needless to say I don't take a lot of her opinions seriously at all. That being said, if you were the dumper and you are having regrets, NC is not the way to go. You need to tell the person you dumped that you want them back. And you need to be direct about it, because you were the one who dumped them. But you need to mean it. Don't half-ass it and say "I miss you and want to see you" then withdraw or play hard to get after they meet with you. Make sure you want the person back, then go get them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OSCAR_BUSTOS21 Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 (edited) Coping vortex I think your right about being current, what happens in the past stays there. You need to create the future if u love them. I had a friend who was on a say called break and would occasionally text his ex who wanted space big time, he waited patiently for 3 months guess what success. Simon Phoenix (great name) I agree if u want them back make sure as hell they know. I dumped my ex and have so far gone from hard to get, to nice guy, to giving ultimatums to being as understanding and patient as possible. The last one I believe is correct as I now realise I have hurt her and and desperate to get her back. If I had gone nc and believe me I threatened it then she would have thought I didn't love her. I believe the 'whole world got in the way' phrase above, life is difficult at the best of times. Daily life can be an absolute nightmare to your relationship. My ex often used to refer that she was completely happy when on our travels where there was no outside influence, hence the reason I want her to come with me to australia. We took long 6 week holidays with little or no pressure as we were both teachers. Edited February 27, 2013 by OSCAR_BUSTOS21 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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