Absence makes the heart grow fonder???

[Love4Pain]

Ok, this is going to sound like I'm contradicting myself from another thread, but...

 

I do agree that every breakup is unique and it's not black and white about getting back together/not getting back together. But sometimes the dumpee takes a step back and just feels like they are waiting for something that might never happen. Does the boomerang always return? Or maybe it isn't a boomerang at all?!

 

For me I think that what we had was great, and it was special but he still walked away so don't I need to face reality? Yes you can move on and still hold a tiny bit if hope in the back of your heart but every day that he doesn't text, doesn't call, doesn't email, doesn't come back...I feel lower and lower. So I want to hope but I also want to not feel this miserable all the time. Doesn't that mean I have to look at it in a pessimistic way in order to not go crazy???

 

I don't think you have to be pessimistic, I would think that would drive you as equally crazy. There is nothing wrong with having a little bit of hope, but you have to look at it like " If he comes back and we can get back together and make it a better relationship, then great, but I'm not going to stop living my life and if he never comes back then I'll still try to make a better relationship with my next one".

 

Also, for Jono, not trying to give an ex credit if it's not due but some people just don't appreciate what they have until they try to replace it with what they "think" is better. Some people are immature and don't know how to handle a relationship, some people are just terrible at commitment. Some have unrealistic views about relationships, themselves, others, and how things should work. If the ex did come back, then you've got to be able to make a judgement whether or not their actions show that they are just lonely looking for something familiar and easy or if they truly want to work on making a better relationship and hopefully are working on correcting some of their own issues. They have to do some work on their part to show us they are sincere. But maybe a month, or three months wasn't enough time for you or your ex to sort things out before you tried again.

[travelonic]

I don't think you have to be pessimistic, I would think that would drive you as equally crazy. There is nothing wrong with having a little bit of hope, but you have to look at it like " If he comes back and we can get back together and make it a better relationship, then great, but I'm not going to stop living my life and if he never comes back then I'll still try to make a better relationship with my next one".

 

Also, for Jono, not trying to give an ex credit if it's not due but some people just don't appreciate what they have until they try to replace it with what they "think" is better. Some people are immature and don't know how to handle a relationship, some people are just terrible at commitment. Some have unrealistic views about relationships, themselves, others, and how things should work. If the ex did come back, then you've got to be able to make a judgement whether or not their actions show that they are just lonely looking for something familiar and easy or if they truly want to work on making a better relationship and hopefully are working on correcting some of their own issues. They have to do some work on their part to show us they are sincere. But maybe a month, or three months wasn't enough time for you or your ex to sort things out before you tried again.

 

Exactly my thoughts, especially on the first paragraph, approaching the mentality of an ex coming back, etc.

[singme2sleep]

Do you think that pride or fear the dumpee has moved on, would ever keep the dumper from trying to come back?

[RiceaRoni]

Do you think that pride or fear the dumpee has moved on, would ever keep the dumper from trying to come back?

 

For some reason yeah I can see that...but then again that just proves that they weren't able to push aside pride and fear for love.

[Jono85]

I don't think you have to be pessimistic, I would think that would drive you as equally crazy. There is nothing wrong with having a little bit of hope, but you have to look at it like " If he comes back and we can get back together and make it a better relationship, then great, but I'm not going to stop living my life and if he never comes back then I'll still try to make a better relationship with my next one".

 

Also, for Jono, not trying to give an ex credit if it's not due but some people just don't appreciate what they have until they try to replace it with what they "think" is better. Some people are immature and don't know how to handle a relationship, some people are just terrible at commitment. Some have unrealistic views about relationships, themselves, others, and how things should work. If the ex did come back, then you've got to be able to make a judgement whether or not their actions show that they are just lonely looking for something familiar and easy or if they truly want to work on making a better relationship and hopefully are working on correcting some of their own issues. They have to do some work on their part to show us they are sincere. But maybe a month, or three months wasn't enough time for you or your ex to sort things out before you tried again.

 

i hear you. that's why i say i'm not really sure where i stand.

 

on the one hand, everything you say makes sense. heck i know i've made stupid mistakes; even breaking up with my ex a few times before getting dumped (but for good). but i don't know, when someone leaves you for good, ie doesn't even reach out to you in many months (i'm about 3.5 months NC) and you know they're dating someone else and are perfectly content with not having you in their life while they date their new marraige hopeful, doing all those cute things they used to do with you, with the new person. being THEIR best friend now and us complete and utter strangers, b/c that's how they'd rather have it. it's just overwhelming for me to think i could ever take her back if she tried. it's just been so damaged b/c of this.

 

a part of me hopes she never does try coming back, so i don't have to be faced with that decision. unfortunately i'm a very prideful person, resentful at times, and i just don't see myself allowing her back in my life in that capacity at the moment. who knows how i feel at some future date. but i'm about 95% certain she's not interested in coming back ever again anyhow.

[Jono85]

For some reason yeah I can see that...but then again that just proves that they weren't able to push aside pride and fear for love.

 

exactly. just proves we really weren't worth it for them, b/c anyone that thought it was special enough wouldn't hesitate to risk both pride and fear of rejection to try and get you back.

[RiceaRoni]

exactly. just proves we really weren't worth it for them, b/c anyone that thought it was special enough wouldn't hesitate to risk both pride and fear of rejection to try and get you back.

 

Yeah. It's kind if sad and dissapointing, but I guess it's a sign that you will find someone better. Even though you really hope the person who left you would push aside everything.

[travelonic]

Do you think that pride or fear the dumpee has moved on, would ever keep the dumper from trying to come back?

 

Absolutely - but with the fear part I would also add on top of that fear that there is hostility that comes from not having enough time to cool off and think things over could be a factor too.

[singme2sleep]

exactly. just proves we really weren't worth it for them, b/c anyone that thought it was special enough wouldn't hesitate to risk both pride and fear of rejection to try and get you back.

 

That is true, if they aren't willing to fight for you, then it isn't meant to be I guess.

[RiceaRoni]

That is true, if they aren't willing to fight for you, then it isn't meant to be I guess.

 

It's the sad truth...

[travelonic]

I would also be careful to distinguish between being unwilling to, and not knowing how/having trouble getting over that hurdle - which, while a hard distinction to make I feel at least does exist on some level/should be considered and distinguished.

[Love4Pain]

I'm not saying this is true, but she could be in a rebound with the new guy, going through all the wonderful "new relationship" things that happen in the honeymoon stage. 3.5 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. Earlier in this post someone wrote that it could realistically take 6-8 months for the ex to get to that point where they are thinking about coming back, if not a year or more depending on the situation. Sometimes when people get back together after a break up, a few years have passed.

 

Also, maybe the ex does want to talk to you but they think that you are happy and better off without them? They might think they don't have a chance. You both could be thinking the other one is happy and never talk to each other again because you are both afraid. But who knows, are you waiting for them to contact you first to determine if they want to come back? Sometimes we have to make a move of our own.

[Sososad]

I think to say a ex coming back after

Dating someone else means there just settling

Because what they believed to be so good out there

Turned out to not so good .

My logic is I don't know how many times in life I've really really wanted

Something and when u get it it doesn't seem so good.

For some people they have to really see it and feel it to realise what they have

Lost .. And maybe realise they want you back .

[Sososad]

Great topic btw just read the whole

Lot very insightful hearing everyone's

Unique stories and opinions !!

[marklarsson]

That is true, if they aren't willing to fight for you, then it isn't meant to be I guess.

 

This is very ironic because what is fighting for someone?. You try to fight and then you start looking like the crazy, desperate ex.

 

But I do get your point. It's not that the things you do to fight for them were even crazy. It is the fact that you did not fear that your actions may have been seen as desperate etc...

 

But then it depends on how receptive the other person is to what you was trying to do.

[marklarsson]

I'm not saying this is true, but she could be in a rebound with the new guy, going through all the wonderful "new relationship" things that happen in the honeymoon stage. 3.5 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. Earlier in this post someone wrote that it could realistically take 6-8 months for the ex to get to that point where they are thinking about coming back, if not a year or more depending on the situation. Sometimes when people get back together after a break up, a few years have passed.

 

Also, maybe the ex does want to talk to you but they think that you are happy and better off without them? They might think they don't have a chance. You both could be thinking the other one is happy and never talk to each other again because you are both afraid. But who knows, are you waiting for them to contact you first to determine if they want to come back? Sometimes we have to make a move of our own.

 

That's the fear of rejection. Also embarassment. I will use me as an example. I fought and tried to win my ex back and I told her straight up that I will fight for us because we has sometime special. I was regected etc.

now will I try again no because of the share embarassment that I felt or will feel.

Now if she does come round and wants me back over time that is. She could could be embarrassed by what she put me through and the way she reacted.

 

At this point if she is not willing to take the risk that i may have moved on or then I suppose as people she did not love me that much.

[Jono85]

I'm not saying this is true, but she could be in a rebound with the new guy, going through all the wonderful "new relationship" things that happen in the honeymoon stage. 3.5 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. Earlier in this post someone wrote that it could realistically take 6-8 months for the ex to get to that point where they are thinking about coming back, if not a year or more depending on the situation. Sometimes when people get back together after a break up, a few years have passed.

 

Also, maybe the ex does want to talk to you but they think that you are happy and better off without them? They might think they don't have a chance. You both could be thinking the other one is happy and never talk to each other again because you are both afraid. But who knows, are you waiting for them to contact you first to determine if they want to come back? Sometimes we have to make a move of our own.

 

well that's not the case lol, b/c last sunday (a week ago) i broke NC "happy belated bday ______ all the best" and she never responded lol.

 

so yeah, def not the case. i sent that b/c the last time we had any contact in early december it wasn't left too amicably. i was trying to just inject some good vibes into things, but obviously failed. she wants no part in me anymore. i'll grow to be ok with this, but yeah again, don't think i could ever forget all this enough to start over with her.

[singme2sleep]

Mark-

 

You said you tried to get your ex back, so did you originally break up with her or she with you?

[RiceaRoni]

I'm not saying this is true, but she could be in a rebound with the new guy, going through all the wonderful "new relationship" things that happen in the honeymoon stage. 3.5 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. Earlier in this post someone wrote that it could realistically take 6-8 months for the ex to get to that point where they are thinking about coming back, if not a year or more depending on the situation. Sometimes when people get back together after a break up, a few years have passed.

 

Also, maybe the ex does want to talk to you but they think that you are happy and better off without them? They might think they don't have a chance. You both could be thinking the other one is happy and never talk to each other again because you are both afraid. But who knows, are you waiting for them to contact you first to determine if they want to come back? Sometimes we have to make a move of our own.

 

I see what you're saying about the whole fear thing and not talking to one another, but I don't think I would ever be able to talk to him first.

 

He's in a new relationship and I'm trying to not get in between them like that.

 

Plus I destroyed my pride when I asked/begged for him back...and in the first few months of the BU I did bulk up the courage to talk to him which just left me feeling stupid when he avoided me and ditched me.

 

We tried talking to each other lasting because he said he wanted to talk...it was Utter bs and the tables were turned on me when he said he had nothing to say to me at all and only wanted to hear what I had to say.

 

After begging for him. I promised myself to never let my pride down again like that for anyone.

 

It's his duty to contact me now if he's looking for anything.

 

And I'm not being stubborn or prideful. It's just in the events that happened to me I feel pitiful and pathetic for doing what I did, while he made no efforts to talk to me at all.

[Jono85]

I see what you're saying about the whole fear thing and not talking to one another, but I don't think I would ever be able to talk to him first.

 

He's in a new relationship and I'm trying to not get in between them like that.

 

Plus I destroyed my pride when I asked/begged for him back...and in the first few months of the BU I did bulk up the courage to talk to him which just left me feeling stupid when he avoided me and ditched me.

 

We tried talking to each other lasting because he said he wanted to talk...it was Utter bs and the tables were turned on me when he said he had nothing to say to me at all and only wanted to hear what I had to say.

 

After begging for him. I promised myself to never let my pride down again like that for anyone.

 

It's his duty to contact me now if he's looking for anything.

 

And I'm not being stubborn or prideful. It's just in the events that happened to me I feel pitiful and pathetic for doing what I did, while he made no efforts to talk to me at all.

 

i had similar experiences with my ex. the most sweet, caring, affectionate, considerate (our very first date she insisted on making some food to my liking for a picnic lol) girl i'd ever met had turned soo cold and uncaring about me, like i stopped existing to her. it still hurts many months later she could just "stop" when she was the one pushing everything in our relationship (ILYs, marraige talks, kids names, moving in with eachother, etc etc). it was always her pushing these things and expressing her love the most, yet in the end, it was her who just simply disposed of me from her life like it all never happened.

 

my advice, is never forget. as resentful and bitter as that sounds, never forget those times. i swore to myself when i was dealing with the immense pain, that i would never forget her treating me like that when i'd done nothing to deserve it. i could NEVER treat her the way she treated me post breakup. she's never getting a pass for it. 99% sure if she comes back, i'm ignoring her/telling her to beat it. as hard as it would be for me to do that. because i know those memories will never fade. they're the most painful memories of my life in 27 years. can't hide them. and i know i wouldn't feel happy if we tried again b/c i'd always harbor those resentful feelings.

[RiceaRoni]

i had similar experiences with my ex. the most sweet, caring, affectionate, considerate (our very first date she insisted on making some food to my liking for a picnic lol) girl i'd ever met had turned soo cold and uncaring about me, like i stopped existing to her. it still hurts many months later she could just "stop" when she was the one pushing everything in our relationship (ILYs, marraige talks, kids names, moving in with eachother, etc etc). it was always her pushing these things and expressing her love the most, yet in the end, it was her who just simply disposed of me from her life like it all never happened.

 

my advice, is never forget. as resentful and bitter as that sounds, never forget those times. i swore to myself when i was dealing with the immense pain, that i would never forget her treating me like that when i'd done nothing to deserve it. i could NEVER treat her the way she treated me post breakup. she's never getting a pass for it. 99% sure if she comes back, i'm ignoring her/telling her to beat it. as hard as it would be for me to do that. because i know those memories will never fade. they're the most painful memories of my life in 27 years. can't hide them. and i know i wouldn't feel happy if we tried again b/c i'd always harbor those resentful feelings.

 

 

 

I forgive, but yes I don't forget.

 

Although I can usually put the past behind me I don't think I would ever be able to trust him...unless he actually proved it to me, but that would take a lot of work...

 

And yeah same here...post BU he began calling me names and doing the cruelest things to me, and I never imaged doing any of the things he did to me...I just ignored his insults and avoidance...

 

He stated he was hurt when I began ignoring him...pretending like he didn't exist, but I never told him the reason I was doing that was because I was terribly hurt from what he was doing to me..

 

I hope he realizes someday...and I'm not going to wait for that day. It's been 5/6 months...that is far too long

[soccerrprp]

Unless you're not human and utterly in denial, YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET! Forgive, whatever that looks like, but don't forget the harm. It helps you from making the same mistakes again.

 

...nothing resentful or bitter about that...if you're steadfast in not lowering yourself DOWN to the level the ex resorted to and that you are moving on and hoping for the best for him/her.

 

I have a friendly relationship with an ex that can NEVER become romantic again. Why? B/C I remember all too well what she did or didn't do that lead to our break-up in the first place. I've forgiven her, of course, as evidenced by our continued contact and friendship, but I do not forget what makes her non-LTR material for me.

Edited March 17, 2013 by soccerrprp

[Jono85]

I forgive, but yes I don't forget.

 

Although I can usually put the past behind me I don't think I would ever be able to trust him...unless he actually proved it to me, but that would take a lot of work...

 

And yeah same here...post BU he began calling me names and doing the cruelest things to me, and I never imaged doing any of the things he did to me...I just ignored his insults and avoidance...

 

He stated he was hurt when I began ignoring him...pretending like he didn't exist, but I never told him the reason I was doing that was because I was terribly hurt from what he was doing to me..

 

I hope he realizes someday...and I'm not going to wait for that day. It's been 5/6 months...that is far too long

 

def far too long. same with mine. 3.5 months NC, but like 8+ months broken up. def donezoo.

 

i just saw that you're 18. i know it doesn't mean anything now, b/c it hurts just the same as all breakups, but 100% sure that you WILL fall in love with other men throughout your 20s and this guy will be a very distant memory. you're still just a baby you're going to realize how immature this 16 year old kid is once you mature some more. you're too young to settle for losers like this guy. trust me, you'll meet wayyy better guys. just have patience. (i know not advice that can really help the way you're feeling NOW...but nonetheless true)

[RiceaRoni]

def far too long. same with mine. 3.5 months NC, but like 8+ months broken up. def donezoo.

 

i just saw that you're 18. i know it doesn't mean anything now, b/c it hurts just the same as all breakups, but 100% sure that you WILL fall in love with other men throughout your 20s and this guy will be a very distant memory. you're still just a baby you're going to realize how immature this 16 year old kid is once you mature some more. you're too young to settle for losers like this guy. trust me, you'll meet wayyy better guys. just have patience. (i know not advice that can really help the way you're feeling NOW...but nonetheless true)

 

No. No you're def right and after hearing the same thing from a lot of people here on LS (that he's immature, were both young, etc) I'm starting to believe I DO deserve better and he is just a boy, a kid who doesn't know what he wants yet.

 

Patience is unfortunaly not my virtue, but in this situation I'm starting to be patient haha

[singme2sleep]

Well my ex hasn't said or done anything mean post-breakup. Actually the hurtful thing to me is breaking his promises. When we were together he said we would always be in each other's lives, and that he wasn't going anywhere. He claimed he was as attached to me as I was to him, but clearly that's BS if he could walk away so easily. Personally I feel abandoned, he decided that his problems were more important than "us" and now I know that actions speak way louder than words!