SharkTooth Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 SM2S, I know how you feel and probably everyone here has hoped to hear the percentage of success is higher then very low. One thing that may help is you can count on the ex coming back to you. They all do. I'm pushing forty and have been in casual to very serious relationships. I can honestly tell you that every single one of them whether I was the dumper or the dumpee has come back in to my life one way or another. Some very quickly and some, years later. I had a few opportunities to try again but really was honest with myself and didn't go there. Funny thing is, they all knew they screwed up because I had become successful and was a really good catch. It's hard to imagine now but you'll feel differently when they do come back. You're always happy to hear from them and it's a great feeling but somehow the feelings have left your heart and you've moved on. Search the older post pages. You'll find some people that pop back in after a while and share their stories of working it out. I know sometimes the intense sadness that hovers around this site can become to much so it's always nice to read about happiness. I wish you well 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Well my ex hasn't said or done anything mean post-breakup. Actually the hurtful thing to me is breaking his promises. When we were together he said we would always be in each other's lives, and that he wasn't going anywhere. He claimed he was as attached to me as I was to him, but clearly that's BS if he could walk away so easily. Personally I feel abandoned, he decided that his problems were more important than "us" and now I know that actions speak way louder than words! I feel for you. It's always hard to realize after a break-up that some or all of what was confessed while dating wasn't real or truthful. I made such a promise, to be in each other's lives, to an ex and continue to keep the promise. There are those who feel that you shouldn't do this, but it slaps in the face of the "friendship" and "emotional commitment" you've established while together. If, when it's over, the friendship and commitment disappears then it wasn't real in the first place. Just BS in the end. Actions, actions, actions....that's the ticket. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Unless you're not human and utterly in denial, YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET! Forgive, whatever that looks like, but don't forget the harm. It helps you from making the same mistakes again. The amount of harm would depend on ho the breakup occurred, wouldn't it? I mean, a mutual one would not hurt nearly as bad as one where the other person just threw it on you out of the blue for example. Link to post Share on other sites
Love4Pain Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Of course, I don't want it to seem like that's always the case with them not contacting you, just an example of other reasons why they might not get in touch. Sometimes they might not be prideful, but it depends on each different situation and what happened. Sometimes contact won't occur until years after the BU which is also when the one who got dumped is well over the relationship. I've had a few exes contact me after years and years probably to see if I was single but I didn't want what they were selling. 4 years is a long time with no contact, but also some of those exes acted horribly during the relationship so I had no desire to be with them again. With my last ex (I know this will probably kill me in the long run) I've had more contact with him Post BU than any other ex in my life. He started it right away but I'm pretty sure it's not because he wants to get back together. I hope that one day he's able to realize how selfish he can be and that he might be able to have a great, long lasting relationship knowing that it takes work and compromise to succeed. Who knows if it will be with me or with someone else, right now I don't have any expectations of it being with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 The amount of harm would depend on ho the breakup occurred, wouldn't it? I mean, a mutual one would not hurt nearly as bad as one where the other person just threw it on you out of the blue for example. Not exactly certain what you're asking, but we all have the tendency of remember even the smallest things (negative) that people have done to us. This would be especially true if we see them regularly and certain behaviors, events trigger such reminders. But, yes, it's different for everyone and of course the degree of harm makes a difference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Not exactly certain what you're asking, but we all have the tendency of remember even the smallest things (negative) that people have done to us. This would be especially true if we see them regularly and certain behaviors, events trigger such reminders. But, yes, it's different for everyone and of course the degree of harm makes a difference. Yes I agree, the degree of harm def makes a difference. If my ex just walked away like he said and would never have resorted to calling me names and putting me down like he did I may have looked at him differently and if he were to come back for a reconciliation, there's a higher chance I'd accept him back. But he caused too much damage there for I don't think I would be able to let what he did leave my mind. So yes degree of damage does matter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) I feel for you. It's always hard to realize after a break-up that some or all of what was confessed while dating wasn't real or truthful. I made such a promise, to be in each other's lives, to an ex and continue to keep the promise. There are those who feel that you shouldn't do this, but it slaps in the face of the "friendship" and "emotional commitment" you've established while together. If, when it's over, the friendship and commitment disappears then it wasn't real in the first place. Just BS in the end. Actions, actions, actions....that's the ticket. A part of me is still in the shock phase. I think back on the good times and can't believe we're in "this place" now. Like it was just yesterday we were laying in bed talking about names for our future children. I've always considered myself to be an excellent judge of character, I know when I'm being lied to. Everything in me felt he was sincere and wanted the same. Was I blinded by love? Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see... Edited March 17, 2013 by singme2sleep 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 A part of me is still in the shock phase. I think back on the good times and can't believe we're in "this place" now. Like it was just yesterday we were laying in bed talking about names for our future children. I've always considered myself to be an excellent judge of character, I know when I'm being lied to. Everything in me felt he was sincere and wanted the same. Was I blinded by love? Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see... I think I was blinded by love as well.. Because after the BU when I used to check up on him on Twitter and stuff, I used to see all the stupid disrespectful things he used to post..he even used to post terrible things about his new gf! ( things like I don't need my ex. I have a new hoe that is much more interesting.) In my mind I was just like "why doesn't she see this?!" But then I thought, maybe she's blinded by the same love I was blinded by. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 A part of me is still in the shock phase. I think back on the good times and can't believe we're in "this place" now. Like it was just yesterday we were laying in bed talking about names for our future children. I've always considered myself to be an excellent judge of character, I know when I'm being lied to. Everything in me felt he was sincere and wanted the same. Was I blinded by love? Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see... Sorry. We all get at least a little clouded when we're in "love." It's the romantic in all of us really. We want to believe that the person we're with is genuine. Of course, it sometimes doesn't work that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think I was blinded by love as well.. Because after the BU when I used to check up on him on Twitter and stuff, I used to see all the stupid disrespectful things he used to post..he even used to post terrible things about his new gf! ( things like I don't need my ex. I have a new hoe that is much more interesting.) In my mind I was just like "why doesn't she see this?!" But then I thought, maybe she's blinded by the same love I was blinded by. That's rough. How old is your ex? Mine has never done anything that disrespectful. If he had that would totally chf he my opinion of him. Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 That's rough. How old is your ex? Mine has never done anything that disrespectful. If he had that would totally chf he my opinion of him. haha he's only 16..going to be 17 next month... His new gf is I think like 15 or 16.. immature I know lol...sometimes I wonder "What was I thinking? Dating a younger guy?" But yeah he became very disrespectful towards me after the BU...I actually feel sorry for his new gf...he showed me a side to him I never 'saw' until after the BU. I hope she sees it too, and is smart enough to dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 haha he's only 16..going to be 17 next month... His new gf is I think like 15 or 16.. immature I know lol...sometimes I wonder "What was I thinking? Dating a younger guy?" But yeah he became very disrespectful towards me after the BU...I actually feel sorry for his new gf...he showed me a side to him I never 'saw' until after the BU. I hope she sees it too, and is smart enough to dump him. WAY TOO YOUNG TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, CHILDREN'S NAMES, etc. You have a lifetime ahead of you. As he does. Now days, it is rare and down-right nearly impossible for such young romances to last. I suspect such experiences will come and go...AGAIN. Grow from them and keep your wits about you. Sorry to say, you'll be approached by others who will feed you all kinds of stuff. That's simply how the odds are now days (or always has been). Remember that the younger, the less likely that they will be committed. It takes seasons of maturity and experience to come to a point where one is ready to commit as you dream of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 WAY TOO YOUNG TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, CHILDREN'S NAMES, etc. You have a lifetime ahead of you. As he does. Now days, it is rare and down-right nearly impossible for such young romances to last. I suspect such experiences will come and go...AGAIN. Grow from them and keep your wits about you. Sorry to say, you'll be approached by others who will feed you all kinds of stuff. That's simply how the odds are now days (or always has been). Remember that the younger, the less likely that they will be committed. It takes seasons of maturity and experience to come to a point where one is ready to commit as you dream of. I know I know lol xD it makes me laugh...the reactions I've gotten on here.. mostly because I came on LS so depressed and heart broken, and now I see that he and I both will have multiple partners before we actually settle down...so it helped me get rid of the idea that we'd be together 'forever' yes..he and his new gf talk about marriage and children just as he and I did...and I think to myself "yeah right" although you never know...crazy stuff happens where they may in fact get married, but as you said it's rare and uncommon now and days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Rice- I've never really dated younger because guys are naturally more immature than girls. Lol But don't beat yourself up, we don't choose...our hearts do. My ex has a son, and before him I never wanted to date a guy with a kid because I came close once and the "baby mama" was crazy. But when I met my now ex it didn't matter because we were like 2 magnets that kept being pulled together. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes we don't fall for the age or type we expect, but that's the quirkiness of life I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Rice- I've never really dated younger because guys are naturally more immature than girls. Lol But don't beat yourself up, we don't choose...our hearts do. My ex has a son, and before him I never wanted to date a guy with a kid because I came close once and the "baby mama" was crazy. But when I met my now ex it didn't matter because we were like 2 magnets that kept bring pulled together. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes we don't fall for the age or type we expect, but that's the quirkiness of life I guess. I think you're right about our hearts choosing..because before him i used to ALWAYS tell myself I would never date a younger guy, and poof there he was, and we dated.. He gave me a cute card for one of anniversaries saying that "age is just a number" and it is, but it's also a number that can tell what maturity level you're at. haha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 I think you're right about our hearts choosing..because before him i used to ALWAYS tell myself I would never date a younger guy, and poof there he was, and we dated.. He gave me a cute card for one of anniversaries saying that "age is just a number" and it is, but it's also a number that can tell what maturity level you're at. haha How long since your breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 How long since your breakup? it's been almost 6 months post BU and about 5 months since they've been together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 it's been almost 6 months post BU and about 5 months since they've been together. Its only been 2 months for me. But I'd be beyond crushed if my ex was seeing someone new. Especially since he claimed he needed to be alone... Even though he ended things in a calm way, I wish he would have been mean so I could hate him and move on! Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Its only been 2 months for me. But I'd be beyond crushed if my ex was seeing someone new. Especially since he claimed he needed to be alone... Even though he ended things in a calm way, I wish he would have been mean so I could hate him and move on! oh wow :/ yeah...I remember being at 2 months..I was a mess. My ex told me he needed to be alone and wasn't ready for a relationship... that was obviously utter bs...since he has a new beau. I don't know I think I would have been better off if my ex ended things in a calm way and actually stayed alone...it would have shown me he was mature and is dealing with his feelings without having to get under someone new. It makes you feel worse when they treat you like crap after the BU..it makes you wonder if they ever really loved you..at least it did for me, and I felt a lot more depressed haha. Don't worry though you will get through it..just like I have. I think it's a good sign when they aren't dating someone new...because it shows that your ex did truly love you and is just trying to cope with their thoughts and feelings.. Just my opinions 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) oh wow :/ yeah...I remember being at 2 months..I was a mess. My ex told me he needed to be alone and wasn't ready for a relationship... that was obviously utter bs...since he has a new beau. I don't know I think I would have been better off if my ex ended things in a calm way and actually stayed alone...it would have shown me he was mature and is dealing with his feelings without having to get under someone new. It makes you feel worse when they treat you like crap after the BU..it makes you wonder if they ever really loved you..at least it did for me, and I felt a lot more depressed haha. Don't worry though you will get through it..just like I have. I think it's a good sign when they aren't dating someone new...because it shows that your ex did truly love you and is just trying to cope with their thoughts and feelings.. Just my opinions You sound pretty wise for only 18 lol. In the first few weeks tho, I questioned if he really loved because I couldn't understand how someone walks away from the person they claim to love. But as time went by and I gained some perspective I realized he did/does and its prob why he left...if that makes sense?! Edited March 17, 2013 by singme2sleep 1 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Absinthe also can make the heart grow fonder. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RiceaRoni Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 You sound pretty wise for only 18 lol. In the first few weeks tho, I questioned if he really loved because I couldn't understand how someone walks away from the person they claim to love. But as time went by and I gained some perspective I realized he did/does and its prob why he left...if that makes sense?! haha thanks xD I've had enough experience from watching my friends go through break ups and their relationships...plus a lot of stuff is common sense to me. and yeah I questioned myself the same things...how could he go on like that? he acted as if 'we' never happened..and it tore me apart. especially because I was replaced so quickly and easily...'I Love You's' were exchanged between them right when they started dating..almost as if they were dating a long time. it was crazy and ridiculous. and yeah what you're saying makes sense haha x) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 It's just a shame when love becomes the sacrifice made. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rocky road Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 I had gf break up with me many years ago and she was honest stating she found someone else. I was devastated but since I knew she was with someone else there really was no point in future contact. Had it been more vague I prob would have given in to some more contact. Anyways, a couple years later she was in town and we got back together for about four months. And guess what? She broke up with me again! I would say if more than a couple months go by without a solid apology and verbally asking for another chance by the dumper, it will not work out or at the very least lead to future heartbreak if he/she tries to enter your life again. Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) I would say if more than a couple months go by without a solid apology and verbally asking for another chance by the dumper, it will not work out or at the very least lead to future heartbreak if he/she tries to enter your life again. I disagree because putting a solid period of time on it [especially that one short] ignores that not everybody adjusts, changes in the same amount of time [some sooner, others later] if they change at all. A couple of months may be enough, but odds are it is way too soon. Edited March 18, 2013 by travelonic 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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