Pisces13 Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 And you think that this is normal and healty?? I dont know how anyone who has a deep romantic affection for another go immediately into a friendzone. Plus, how are you going to feel when she is out banging some new guy? I just font see it. Also, who would want to date someone who has a close "friend" relationship with an ex love? Just doesnt make sense to me... TFOY I'm a mature adult who knows how to deal with things in a responsible manner. Being angry or upset towards her isn't going to achieve anything, and we still get along really well so why wouldn't we want to remain friends? Does it hurt? Of course it does, but I've accepted what has happened, it's time to move forward. I don't believe in just running away and pretending like nothing ever happened, that isn't going achieve anything... It's called manning up and dealing with your issues like an adult. Running away and not talking to the person ever again is something a teenager would do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 I'm a mature adult who knows how to deal with things in a responsible manner. Being angry or upset towards her isn't going to achieve anything, and we still get along really well so why wouldn't we want to remain friends? Does it hurt? Of course it does, but I've accepted what has happened, it's time to move forward. I don't believe in just running away and pretending like nothing ever happened, that isn't going achieve anything... It's called manning up and dealing with your issues like an adult. Running away and not talking to the person ever again is something a teenager would do. I guess if it works for you then great...But if you say in your own words that it hurts, then why subject yourself to it? You can have fond feelings for someone yet remainn distant so you dont have to feel that hurt. I dont think its immature as you say. Its just a way for someone to deal with a difficult situation. Does it bother you that by accepting that buddy relationship you are doing nothing but making her life easier? Lets face it, you accept this deal because you are "manning up", right? How much of a man are you going to feel like when she asks you to help her move some furniture around her place, then slaps you on the back and says "thanks pal, gotta go now and meet up with my boyfriend-See ya!"..... Nope, not me..I guess that makes me "immature"... TFOY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pisces13 Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 I guess if it works for you then great...But if you say in your own words that it hurts, then why subject yourself to it? You can have fond feelings for someone yet remainn distant so you dont have to feel that hurt. I dont think its immature as you say. Its just a way for someone to deal with a difficult situation. I meant that I was hurt by the breakup, but rather than acting immature about it (going and removing every facet or her from my life etc.), I had to man up and accept that it happened. Like I said, we're both still good friends, and both still enjoy each others company, so why wouldn't we continue to hang out? I'm not constantly texting or calling her or anything like that. I'm not anti NC, I think in breakups it can be beneficial depending on the breakup or the couple. My ex told me she wanted at least a week of NC, and I respected that, then she reached out to me after the week was up, I didn't go chasing her. Does it bother you that by accepting that buddy relationship you are doing nothing but making her life easier? Lets face it, you accept this deal because you are "manning up", right? How much of a man are you going to feel like when she asks you to help her move some furniture around her place, then slaps you on the back and says "thanks pal, gotta go now and meet up with my boyfriend-See ya!"..... Nope, not me..I guess that makes me "immature"... Who ever said anything about helping her move her furniture? I think your response in that paragraph goes to show that you actually are a little bit immature... I'm not stupid, I'm not at her beckoning call, and if she has another boyfriend, I certainly wouldn't help her move or anything like that... do you not understand what a friendship is? Or how to act like a civil adult in rough times? You sound very scorned... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) I meant that I was hurt by the breakup, but rather than acting immature about it (going and removing every facet or her from my life etc.), I had to man up and accept that it happened. Like I said, we're both still good friends, and both still enjoy each others company, so why wouldn't we continue to hang out? I'm not constantly texting or calling her or anything like that. I'm not anti NC, I think in breakups it can be beneficial depending on the breakup or the couple. My ex told me she wanted at least a week of NC, and I respected that, then she reached out to me after the week was up, I didn't go chasing her. Who ever said anything about helping her move her furniture? I think your response in that paragraph goes to show that you actually are a little bit immature... I'm not stupid, I'm not at her beckoning call, and if she has another boyfriend, I certainly wouldn't help her move or anything like that... do you not understand what a friendship is? Or how to act like a civil adult in rough times? You sound very scorned... I guess we will have to agree to dissagree.. No I am not scorned. But I will say that you are in the minority. Just take a look around these boards. Most people wouldnt want to be "friends" with someone who left them. Amicable or not, it just doesnt make many people feel good about themselves. Friendships only benefit the dumper in these scenarios. Ill ask you this, though...Lets just say you met a girl you were crazy about, yet she tells you that she has a "friend" who was an ex bf at one time and that she likes to hang out with him once in a while..You OK with that? I wish you well TFOY Edited April 1, 2013 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
GudDude2013 Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 (edited) I had an ex that went on a date with someone else while be were cohabitating. When her date was over she found out the hard way that she no longer had a place to stay. She came approx. A week later to get her things, and went to stay with her sister. Almost immediately after evicting her from our residence I regretted it, because I still loved her. The experience was so painful that we went NC for months. She moved on with another lover, and I struggled with healing as best as I could. The break up occurred @ the end of Nov. by Feb. / March we were speaking again, but not together, as she still had her new bf. Throughout the rest of the spring and into the summer we were LC with both of us living single. By Aug. we were getting married. She moved back in by Sept, and was gone again by February. We went back to LC. We were intimate a few times after that, the last time in mid June, but ultimately married, but separated was not what I wanted, and I filed for divorce which became final in Aug. the day after our anniversary which we did not spend together. Although i had loved a woman before her, i'd never fallen in love, so this was for the most part my first true love complete with all the emotional bumps and bruises, lacerations, and brokenheartedness. This is just a bit of the history we had in our 6-7 yr relationship but @ the end of the day, one of the things that I learned was that sometimes a dying relationship goes through several death throes, and although full resuscitation is possible, generally after to much damage has occurred and the relationship has sustained to much trauma / drama it usually cannot survive. Even as strong as an emotion as love is, it can jolt the dead back to life.....the walking dead however, full of brain damage, and crippling handicaps that can still entertain the hope of a 100% full recovery. Usually it just will never be the same again. Sadly enough a point comes when it's best to just pull the plug, and let it R.I.P. Unless a miracle occurs with a full bodied transplant, when it's over, it's over! Edited April 1, 2013 by GudDude2013 Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 Unless a miracle occurs with a full bodied transplant, when it's over, it's over! Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't - but that's something only time can determine with certainty, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I'm a mature adult who knows how to deal with things in a responsible manner. Being angry or upset towards her isn't going to achieve anything, and we still get along really well so why wouldn't we want to remain friends? Does it hurt? Of course it does, but I've accepted what has happened, it's time to move forward. I don't believe in just running away and pretending like nothing ever happened, that isn't going achieve anything... It's called manning up and dealing with your issues like an adult. Running away and not talking to the person ever again is something a teenager would do. you live in an ideal world my friend. what you're speaking is not reality. it won't be ending well. good luck though. Link to post Share on other sites
Cogee Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Does it hurt? Of course it does, but I've accepted what has happened, it's time to move forward. I don't believe in just running away and pretending like nothing ever happened, that isn't going achieve anything... It's called manning up and dealing with your issues like an adult. Running away and not talking to the person ever again is something a teenager would do. Just because someone cuts contact and distances themselves from an ex doesn't mean they are running away or pretending nothing happened. They are doing what any self-respecting adult would do, which is to accept things as they are and not inflict unnecessary pain on themselves. If you had an amicable breakup and are willing to accept a bit of pain because you can't let go, then more power to you. It's unreasonable to suggest that others are immature teenagers because they experience significant pain from a break up and find it near impossible to have a healthy friendship after. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I don't know if absence does make the heart grow fonder. I mean my ex refused to give me closure. Never been asked if I was ok, considering I was dumped out if the blue. This ex hasn't cobtacted me years later. Link to post Share on other sites
witmadskilllz Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 My ex shall not receive any respect after dumping me for another man, reconciliation they say? Bury it deep down in the graveyard where it belongs, I don't need her to be worried about me or to provide comfort. Suck my ass hoe, you're gone forever Link to post Share on other sites
Pisces13 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 Just because someone cuts contact and distances themselves from an ex doesn't mean they are running away or pretending nothing happened. They are doing what any self-respecting adult would do, which is to accept things as they are and not inflict unnecessary pain on themselves. If you had an amicable breakup and are willing to accept a bit of pain because you can't let go, then more power to you. It's unreasonable to suggest that others are immature teenagers because they experience significant pain from a break up and find it near impossible to have a healthy friendship after. I'm not anti NC by any means, like I said, my ex initiated NC after we broke up, and after a week she broke it. I think NC can definitely help and be beneficial in certain breakups. I don't think people who initiate NC are immature, although I do think some people use it in an immature way (i.e. go in to NC rather than trying to talk about their issues with their partner). I think I was a bit fired up when I wrote those posts last night lol. I guess I'm just the sort of person who would rather deal with my problems head on, but that is me, we all deal with things in different ways. I don't think you guys are necessarily wrong though, I think the more I've thought about it, the more I think I do need to go in to NC for a bit. It was a G.I.G.S. breakup, so I think she really needs to feel what it is like not having me in her life at least for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 My experience with guys - and I did date a bit the last two years - irrelevant if you're the dumper or the dumpee, the guy usually comes back. There is such a thing as "the one that got away". But... they are the same person. Not better. Not brighter. And almost never with a fresh approach. So I'm telling you this - the reasons why the relationship didn't work in the first place are there, too, back with the ex . So unless the reasons for the break up are linked to your own behavior and you're the one who needs to do all the hard work... it won't work the second, third or fourth time. The guy coming back means nothing. The guy coming back and being willing to make changes means everything. Those guys are so few... I guess if the guy would have been willing to make changes, the relationship wouldn't have ended to begin with, isn't it ... From my experience, keep your eyes on what you really want out of that relationship. Sure, having the guy back is a necessary condition, but not sufficient, under any shape of form. Keep that in mind, when your guy will come knocking at your door . Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I wasn't fully honest - I am almost always the dumper, but a lot of those times, I was a forced dumper - or so I felt. Not sure if that changes the equation... and I always always went religiously NC after the BU. Link to post Share on other sites
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