Absence makes the heart grow fonder???

[destroyed4sho]

Well reconciliations in general are rare. But most exes come back in some form regardless of who dumped who. I've had an ex who I had an extremely toxic breakup with come back over a year later wanting to reconcile (she dumped me). I had others want to reconnect several years later. Why does this happen? Because as time moves forward, you forget the bad stuff at the end (assuming there wasn't any stalking, abuse, truly antisocial behavior) and you remember the good times. If you don't do the crazy needy stuff in the aftermath, then there are even fewer things to "forget" with time.

 

That's why NC, while its to heal yourself, can sometimes have the added benefit of bringing the other person back. But you said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't hold at all and I gave three real-life examples just from my peers that disproves that.

 

I get that you are trying to prevent people from getting overexcited and having unreasonable hopes and I support that. But in my experience, what you said is wrong. Had you said it was a low-percentage play, I wouldn't have said anything because I agree with you. But you didn't.

 

Simon - that is my Opinion and what I believe from my own unique life experience....hence the reason I started the sentence with...."I DO NOT BELIEVE.......".

Opinions are never wrong. Everyone's opinions are different and having a variety of opinions often helps people understand things from a different point of view. Nobody is wrong for their opinion.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon - that is my Opinion and what I believe from my own unique life experience....hence the reason I started the sentence with...."I DO NOT BELIEVE.......".

Opinions are never wrong. Everyone's opinions are different and having a variety of opinions often helps people understand things from a different point of view. Nobody is wrong for their opinion.

 

Opinions can definitely be wrong, but I'm not going to s--t all over the thread discussing it.

[singme2sleep]

I believe the 'whole world got in the way' phrase above, life is difficult at the best of times. Daily life can be an absolute nightmare to your relationship. My ex often used to refer that she was completely happy when on our travels where there was no outside influence, hence the reason I want her to come with me to australia. We took long 6 week holidays with little or no pressure as we were both teachers.

 

I know what you mean, its like if only my ex and I could have put ourselves in a bubble where nothing would be able to hurt the relationship...But unfortunately that's not an option.

[Love4Pain]

I don't think that toronto love doctor's advice is unrealistic. I think you might be miss interpreting what she was saying about NC. I think the point of her articles is to suggest that people who believe using NC is a means to make their ex miss them and come running back to them may not get the results they want. NC is not guaranteed to make anyone want to come back to you and some people take more offense to being cut off. I read some of her articles and I don't think she ever said the dumpee was a bad guy, it's just that you shouldn't being using NC in that way. I've googled so many things, and I've noticed that a lot of people say "Use NC because your ex is going to miss you since they have no idea what you're doing and think you're having the time of your life without them". Well that isn't always true and that can give people the wrong idea.

 

I believe if you really can't talk to your ex because it hurts too much then by all means, don't contact them and let them know "Hey X I want to let you know that right now is a pretty difficult time for me and I really think I need some personal time for myself" There isn't anything wrong with that. If you think it's better to talk to your ex here and there while you heal and you're able to do that, then go ahead, you just have to be able to deal with issues like your ex seeing other people or not falling for you right away just because you're talking to each other.

 

I don't know if absence makes the heart grow fonder, although I can say that personally, after several (meaning 4 or 5) years of not contacting an ex I've had 3 come back and say something to the effect of how stupid they were for breaking up or how great a gf I was and blah blah. But that is a super long time for me and I had no desire to get back with them after years and years of not hearing anything at all. So right now, with my recent ex, I still message him during the week. Some I start, some he starts. Maybe we will get back together, but I'm not planning on it happening right away, and not while he's got a gf rebound or not.

[destroyed4sho]

I don't think that toronto love doctor's advice is unrealistic. I think you might be miss interpreting what she was saying about NC. I think the point of her articles is to suggest that people who believe using NC is a means to make their ex miss them and come running back to them may not get the results they want. NC is not guaranteed to make anyone want to come back to you and some people take more offense to being cut off. I read some of her articles and I don't think she ever said the dumpee was a bad guy, it's just that you shouldn't being using NC in that way. I've googled so many things, and I've noticed that a lot of people say "Use NC because your ex is going to miss you since they have no idea what you're doing and think you're having the time of your life without them". Well that isn't always true and that can give people the wrong idea.

 

I believe if you really can't talk to your ex because it hurts too much then by all means, don't contact them and let them know "Hey X I want to let you know that right now is a pretty difficult time for me and I really think I need some personal time for myself" There isn't anything wrong with that. If you think it's better to talk to your ex here and there while you heal and you're able to do that, then go ahead, you just have to be able to deal with issues like your ex seeing other people or not falling for you right away just because you're talking to each other.

 

I don't know if absence makes the heart grow fonder, although I can say that personally, after several (meaning 4 or 5) years of not contacting an ex I've had 3 come back and say something to the effect of how stupid they were for breaking up or how great a gf I was and blah blah. But that is a super long time for me and I had no desire to get back with them after years and years of not hearing anything at all. So right now, with my recent ex, I still message him during the week. Some I start, some he starts. Maybe we will get back together, but I'm not planning on it happening right away, and not while he's got a gf rebound or not.

 

For me, I had a combination of reason of using NC...The first was because I really had nothing more to say. I already did the whole begging and pleading thing and then she mentioned she would always miss me, love me, etc...so what more can I do?? It was just hopeless. Second, I just wanted to step back and think about our relationship and what happened without her. It really helped put things into perspective. And lastly, the longer I was on NC the more I felt disgusted by her and also by me and my begging to resolve things when it was Over.

I remember someone else also posting way back that if you ever want to have the option of getting your ex back in your life, you should go LC and not NC..and that it worked for them many times.

At this point, I really don't want my ex back so NC is definitely for me.

[LostOne1]

For me, I had a combination of reason of using NC...The first was because I really had nothing more to say. I already did the whole begging and pleading thing and then she mentioned she would always miss me, love me, etc...so what more can I do?? It was just hopeless. Second, I just wanted to step back and think about our relationship and what happened without her. It really helped put things into perspective. And lastly, the longer I was on NC the more I felt disgusted by her and also by me and my begging to resolve things when it was Over.

I remember someone else also posting way back that if you ever want to have the option of getting your ex back in your life, you should go LC and not NC..and that it worked for them many times.

At this point, I really don't want my ex back so NC is definitely for me.

I think it depends.. even LC didn't work for me. I felt LC just made me hang on longer when she was never going to come back to me.

 

I think if a person wants to work it out, they would talk within a week. If not.. I'd say it's over.

[destroyed4sho]

I think it depends.. even LC didn't work for me. I felt LC just made me hang on longer when she was never going to come back to me.

 

I think if a person wants to work it out, they would talk within a week. If not.. I'd say it's over.

 

Yes, my ex and I were LC for about 4 months. But I was the one always initiating contact for one reason or another. So really it was NIC for her the whole time and she was really the one that would fade after contact.

LC was useless. Even though I wasnt getting any positive responses from LC, I was still hanging on hoping amd then the whole friends suggestion came in giving me more hope...lol.I wish I had gone NC from the very beginning, i would of been over her months ago!

Next time, a week or two is the limit!!

[singme2sleep]

I think depending on the situation of the breakup, as the dumpee all you can do if you want them back is to say how you feel and then give the dumper space. If they love you they will come back, but by letting you go they also run the risk of it being too late once they have changed their mind.

 

However I also agree with one of the other posters, that you can't beg or persuade someone to be with you/love you. And you wouldn't want them if they did return out of pity.

 

In the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle' Walter tells Annie, "I don't want to be someone you're settling for. I don't want to be anybody that someone is settling for." That says it all.

[lovnlost]

.... has anyone seen any posts where a dumpee claimed the dumper called them back to reconcile? I haven't!!

 

Alexboston story is different....again he was a "jerk" in the relationship and she had a specific reason for dumping him yet she came back asking for more...he forced her hand to dump him..so really to me sounds like he dumped her indirectly.

Other than cases like these, I do not believe dumpers hearts grow fonder in absence. Remember they are already over you by the time they dump you...they want you OUT of their lives forever.

 

 

I am the original dumper. Realized what I had done 4 weeks later. Then she went from loving me still immensely to anger, frustrations and resentment. Now I am the dumpee. And she is off with someone else. SO ya...I am the dumper who realized what he lost in the girl he foolishly left.

[lemonlegs]

With my last boyfriend, I was the person who did the dumping. The first time, I 'regretted' it shortly after, and we reconciled. Needless to say, the feelings I had the first time came flooding back soon after getting back with him, and unfortunately, I had to do it again, which is a bigger slap in the face the second and third time. So, usually, it's not necessarily going to work out. If he or she comes back, I'd be VERY cautious, speaking from my experience. I never regretted it after that, but I must say, if we had never tried to work it out the second time, I might have wondered. But now that I have my new boyfriend, I know I didn't make a mistake. He also doesn't help the case by acting like an idiot anytime I'm around him. I just think in certain cases, you just know they weren't the person for you, even if the dumpee doesn't see it for some reason.

 

As well, my current boyfriend's ex girlfriend dumped him, and about 11 months after (and probably 5 months since they stopped talking regularly after he put a stop to it), she texted him saying something along the lines of "How's _____ (the dog they had bought together, but is his now)? Ugh, I'm just reminiscing." Which to me, suggested that she had her moments of missing him. But, who doesn't? She got a new boyfriend a couple months after she broke up with him, but still continued to talk to him until he told her to stop, but even then I'm sure she texted him ocasionally. It wasn't until we started dating that she stopped contact with that one exception mentioned above, which was good.

 

So just two experiences I can give you about that...

Edited March 5, 2013 by lemonlegs

[todreaminblue]

i only use no contact to stop feelings .......not make them stronger....its a tool to move on ...not closer too.....in my opinion....as is limited contact if you cant go no contact......missing soemone is a good sign means you care still....but it doesnt feel too good adn shouldnt be prolonged if you actually wan tto be with the person you are missing....only in absoilute necessity should no contact be used....to move on...but thats me.....games suck.deb

[travelonic]

I think if a person wants to work it out, they would talk within a week. If not.. I'd say it's over.

 

Just my opinion, but that can be WAY too short a time frame, especially depending on the people, the circumstances involved [which vary person to person], etc.

[singme2sleep]

Travel-- I totally agree, because usually the dumper is in a state of numbness for a few weeks or more before it sinks in that the dumpee is gone from their life. And I've heard of couples getting back together after even years of being apart. It all comes down to how much you love someone, I don't believe that feeling ever really leaves you. If I never get back with my current ex, I will love him always because even though he walked away, he made me very happy when we were a couple and he did more for me emotionally than he prob knows.

 

You might find this interesting...it's from a book written by the popular relationship expert Dr. Weil-

 

"To help themselves (dumpers) get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

 

It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision.

 

This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up for reasons other than infidelity and/or abuse.

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases."

[lovnlost]

6-8 months? Come on!!! Kidding. That seems logical but crappy. A common theme I see on this forum is the absence of patience which I think I have said before. We all want this to happen on our time, so we get paniced and afraid forcing us, so we think, to act NOW and that can ruin things from either the dumper or the dumpee's perspective. Its a dangerous process. I am learning it best this time around.

 

Singme2sleep- when are you getting your degree in clinical psychology? Your above thesis was spot on lol.

[travelonic]

Travel-- I totally agree, because usually the dumper is in a state of numbness for a few weeks or more before it sinks in that the dumpee is gone from their life. And I've heard of couples getting back together after even years of being apart. It all comes down to how much you love someone, I don't believe that feeling ever really leaves you. If I never get back with my current ex, I will love him always because even though he walked away, he made me very happy when we were a couple and he did more for me emotionally than he prob knows.

 

You might find this interesting...it's from a book written by the popular relationship expert Dr. Weil-

 

"To help themselves (dumpers) get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

 

It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision.

 

This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up for reasons other than infidelity and/or abuse.

 

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases."

 

Wonder what Dr. Weil would say about situations where it BEGAN with the dumpee making the mistake of trying to be in touch, plea, etc - then going COMPLETELY NC/avoiding the dumper - so far as potential timeframes go [at least to some extent, as the aspects dependent on the relationship now gone, the people involved, etc affect this a ton as well].

[Addison312]

Addison- How long after you split up the first time, did he come back?

 

I just saw your question. It was a little less than 2 months. I took him back too easily, too. I was dumb.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wonder what Dr. Weil would say about situations where it BEGAN with the dumpee making the mistake of trying to be in touch, plea, etc - then going COMPLETELY NC/avoiding the dumper - so far as potential timeframes go [at least to some extent, as the aspects dependent on the relationship now gone, the people involved, etc affect this a ton as well].

 

Didn't read the book, but I would guess the 6-8 months would start once you ditched the begging stage.

[drpepper1886]

Didn't read the book, but I would guess the 6-8 months would start once you ditched the begging stage.

 

I always assumed my ex would come back around that amount of time, but now she's moving 8 hours away to escape her life here. Glad to feel like the 1% hope is finally going away.

[emmalynro]

First off, reconciliations happen all the time. If they didn't, they wouldn't be the last act of literally every romantic comedy ever made.

 

The crux of the issue is why the couple broke up in the first place. If one person no longer loves the other then the chances of reconciling are exceedingly slim. If someone cheated, the odds probably go down too. And if they're both in college, well, forget about it.

 

I know a couple that had the absolute most blissful and perfect relationship for about 2 1/2 years. He spent a little while in France for a short-term teaching job. A couple months into it he wrote her a letter saying he had to break things off because he'd developed a crush on this girl he'd met. As you can imagine, she was utterly devastated. I still remember all of us cuddling with her on the couch, watching movies and laughing nervously as she stared in numb, glassy-eyed trauma. It was awful. He ended up extending his stay in France, but came back a year later and was full of profuse apologies. My friend was the one for him, he said, he couldn't ever love anyone else, he didn't realize how much he missed her until he tried to replace her, and so on. That was four years ago; they're married now.

 

Reconciliations can and do happen. How rare they are depends on the circumstances and how successful they are depends on how hard the couple tries to set things right. Any relationship you immediately jump back into, without making a concerted effort to fix what went wrong in the first place, is probably destined to fail.

[singme2sleep]

Emma-

 

I totally agree with you, and I've seen plenty of those movies lol.

That's an inspiring story about your friend, hearing that made me night. It all depends on the situations surrounding the breakup, if feelings are still involved than reconciliation is def possible.

[grace777]

I do not believe in using NC to get someone back. Those are just games, and games don't work. I do agree that LC is the way to remain in someone's life if you ever hope to reconcile. If you completely go dark, then the dumper is not going to contact you to reconcile after several months or years have passed.

 

I went NC for a couple of months because it was just to hard to stay in her life. It was toxic for me. When I had the talk that this is what needed to happen, it devastated my ex. Around Christmas, we began LC. That went on for a couple more months.

 

Oddly, I feel as though I have moved on and let go of our past relationship. I am actually happy for her and ready to be her friend again. She, on the other hand, is full of drama whenever we communicate. Maybe the new lover doesn't like that we talk? Idk.

 

Is it possible that she has not even begun to get over me yet? And maybe now it's sinking in? She replaced me with someone else w/in a week and is still with this person now.

 

Regardless of her reasons, it is clear that she can't have a typical friendship with me now. So we haven't communicated at all in over 3 weeks. I'm still classifying it as LC, because we may contact each other later - if she can be normal. But for now, it's just best we don't talk. It confuses things, especially for her.

 

I do hope she can be a part of my life in the future, though. And I don't think that will happen if I blacklist her now. Ahhh transitions...

[soccerrprp]

First off, reconciliations happen all the time. If they didn't, they wouldn't be the last act of literally every romantic comedy ever made.

 

The crux of the issue is why the couple broke up in the first place. If one person no longer loves the other then the chances of reconciling are exceedingly slim. If someone cheated, the odds probably go down too. And if they're both in college, well, forget about it.

 

I know a couple that had the absolute most blissful and perfect relationship for about 2 1/2 years. He spent a little while in France for a short-term teaching job. A couple months into it he wrote her a letter saying he had to break things off because he'd developed a crush on this girl he'd met. As you can imagine, she was utterly devastated. I still remember all of us cuddling with her on the couch, watching movies and laughing nervously as she stared in numb, glassy-eyed trauma. It was awful. He ended up extending his stay in France, but came back a year later and was full of profuse apologies. My friend was the one for him, he said, he couldn't ever love anyone else, he didn't realize how much he missed her until he tried to replace her, and so on. That was four years ago; they're married now.

 

Reconciliations can and do happen. How rare they are depends on the circumstances and how successful they are depends on how hard the couple tries to set things right. Any relationship you immediately jump back into, without making a concerted effort to fix what went wrong in the first place, is probably destined to fail.

 

Agreed. There are people who are determined to make you believe that it's SO rare that you shouldn't even think about the possibility. Yes, a lot has to do with how the break-up occurred.

 

Of course reconciliation can and does happen and is possible.

[Simon Phoenix]

NC definitely can work in getting someone back. It's obviously not the goal nor the purpose of it, but I've seen it happen several times. However, sometimes the dumpee needs to be the one to break it. And that might not be worth it in many cases.

[soccerrprp]

Oh, going back to the original question of the thread:

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder???

 

The converse of that saying is: "Out of sight, out of mind. "

 

So, for NC, the latter would most likely (or preferably) apply. So as to help one move on.

[travelonic]

NC definitely can work in getting someone back. It's obviously not the goal nor the purpose of it, but I've seen it happen several times. However, sometimes the dumpee needs to be the one to break it. And that might not be worth it in many cases.

 

OR it may be very very difficult, if not too difficult for the dumpee to break the NC.

 

I agree - not the goal or purpose, but it can contribute to some extent - depending on the people, the breakup/why it happened, etc - to the return of a torn couple. Just gotta remember to go into NC to heal, not with the intent of trying to get the other person back.