Does Marriage Ruin Sex?

[BetheButterfly]

In my first marriage sex went out the window but that would have happened anyway. Junkies are not exactly what turn me on but my current wife and I can go all day.

 

My husband and I can too, when he is not working that day! How long have you and your wife been married?

[xxoo]

An wise older man told me this on my wedding day.

 

For the first 5-years, put a quarter into a jar each time you have sex. After the 5-years are up, start taking a quarter out each time you make love. If you find that there are still coins in the jar after 5- years of removing them, you will know that there are issues in your marriage.

 

Does this mean that there are issues if you don't have at least as much sex in the second 5 years as the first?

 

I don't necessarily agree with that. We've been married more than 15 years, but our proportional pattern has been: a lot of sex the first 5, less sex the middle five, and a lot of sex the last 5 years. Why? Because we had babies in the middle 5 years.

[dichotomy]

My .02

 

 

Seriously, I am a VERY sexual being. I like....LOVE sex. Throughout my single years, I had a very active and fulfilling sex life. So did my husband. It just ended when we became serious, and emotions were involved.

 

 

 

I am always surprised when I hear the husband/man has checked out, but there are more than a few stories like this posted here.... Do you have ANY ideas why/how/when this happened? You said he was very active prior to you... so he enjoys sex. I don't get it...when you had children? He can't stand intimate sex (emotional connection), he only likes strange/new/casual sex?

 

So many husbands would love to have a wife who was so sexual. You have my empathy.

[Thegameoflife]

My .02

 

For ME (emphasis on my experience, only) marriage not only ruined my sex life, but decapitated it, disemboweled it, and buried it in a shallow worm-infested grave.

 

/hyperbole.

 

Seriously, I am a VERY sexual being. I like....LOVE sex. Throughout my single years, I had a very active and fulfilling sex life. So did my husband. It just ended when we became serious, and emotions were involved.

 

While I do NOT believe in that sex within marriage should be fireworks and porn shoots, I do believe that there are myriad variables that, inevitably, wreck it for many of us.

 

Often when we hear about "sexual death" in a marriage, the dominant narrative is that it is the WIFE who is sexually disinterested, has no interest, et al. In my case it is the opposite.

 

My husband will go WEEKS without asking me for sex. I have been turned down for sex more times than I wish to admit. I am frequently approached by other men (and women) and told that I am very attractive. Yet because of his sexual distance, I have doubted my attractiveness, my sexual talents (he doesn't like for me to give him head), and my hygiene (he doesn't like to give me oral or anal, anymore).

 

At one point, I had to call an xBF and embarrassingly ask: "Was I a really bad lay, and you just appeased me?" He laughed so hard, than admitted "I used to spend hours after we broke up j'kn off thinging about you! No, you were NOT a bad lover. I think you married a bad lover."

 

The point I make is this: marriage can indeed ruin sex. For me, it had very little to do with kids, work, routine, or gaining weight (I'm 5'6"/130lbs.)..... It was more that my H just checked out.

 

I would buy VSecret and sex toys and not garner even a second look. I'd walk past him naked and he'd just keep doing whatever he was doing. When confronted, there was always an X-factor (eg. I was pregnant, I was tired, he was tired, he was stressed, he-was-some-other-cockamammie-****....)

 

Demoralizing...

 

Yet, he has frequently watched porn, with all of the things that he purportedly disliked doing with me. Talk about an ego buster...

 

Now, I'm contemplating leaving. I have spent almost 10 years with this, and I refuse to spend another with him.

 

For those who have wonderful marriages with great sex: I applaud and envy you. Yet know, that it is not simply that you've tried harder; it's that you have a partner who's willing to see you as a full sexual being.

 

What your saying is common to nymphomaniacs in relationships. Female sexual aggression is unwelcomed by most men. Taking the aggressive role when it comes to sex, slowly emasculates men until they lose desire for the aggressive woman. For men, sexuality is tied to dominance, and aggressive impulse for sex. Most nymphomaniacs start out in a submissive role, which attracts a lot of men, fulfilling their need for wanting to be desired, aswell as getting pleasured. However, because nymphomania is an addiction with a fancy name, things often go wrong in relationships. The reason they go wrong is because if the nymphos sexual needs aren't met, they seek it out aggressively, and try and dominate their partner. As a result, their partner becomes increasing disinterested in sex, spurring on more sexual aggression, and it becomes a cycle that will eventually destroy sex in the relationship. A typical sign that this is the case is often seen by the fact that despite loss of sexual desire towards their wife, they still have a sexual desire towards other women. Your husband watches porn where woman do the things he doesn't want you to do, and gets off on it.

 

My opinion is that your husband isn't gay. You don't have a active and fulfilling sex life with women if your gay, lol. I would not bring this up to a therapist if you plan on fixing things. Unfortunately, there is no easy fix for your problems with your husband. The only thing you can do is stop aggressively pursuing sex, and wait for it to return. Unfortunately for you, your husband is probably only going to want sex 2-4 times a week, as that's normal. It might take months to back to normal. You just have to relax, take off the pressure, and let his desire for you resurface.

[Mr. Lucky]

What your saying is common to nymphomaniacs in relationships. Female sexual aggression is unwelcomed by most men. Taking the aggressive role when it comes to sex, slowly emasculates men until they lose desire for the aggressive woman. For men, sexuality is tied to dominance, and aggressive impulse for sex. Most nymphomaniacs start out in a submissive role, which attracts a lot of men, fulfilling their need for wanting to be desired, aswell as getting pleasured. However, because nymphomania is an addiction with a fancy name, things often go wrong in relationships. The reason they go wrong is because if the nymphos sexual needs aren't met, they seek it out aggressively, and try and dominate their partner. As a result, their partner becomes increasing disinterested in sex, spurring on more sexual aggression, and it becomes a cycle that will eventually destroy sex in the relationship. A typical sign that this is the case is often seen by the fact that despite loss of sexual desire towards their wife, they still have a sexual desire towards other women. Your husband watches porn where woman do the things he doesn't want you to do, and gets off on it.

Off base on at least two counts. First, the healthy sexual appetite that phillygirl describes is about as far from nymphomania as my nightly glass of wine is from alcoholism. Are you that threatened by a woman's sexual appetite that you have to label it an addiction or disease ???

 

Second, any theory (even one as half-baked as yours) that describes "men" and "women" as though they were homogeneous groups is doomed from the get go. Yours included...

 

Mr. Lucky

[phillygirl]

What your saying is common to nymphomaniacs in relationships.

 

Wow...didn't know that wanting to have sex makes me a nympho.

 

Ok, here goes it:

 

4- The concept of "nyphomania" is based on the same hack-psychology along with theories that equated the hormonal fluctuation of the human menstrual cycle to "psychosis." In other words, these "theories" are born out of MALE, PATRIARCIAL ideology, cloacked as "science."

 

In addition, to assume that my desire for intimacy is pathological; and that it is MY purported hypersexuality that has created this chasm is born out of the same social dogma, which supports clitorectomy and breast binding.

 

3- My husband's issues are indeed rooted in something not related to my sexual appetite (a realtively healthy one). They are his, and his alone.

 

2- "Playing a submissive role", is laughable. Exactly what do you expect me to do? Never mention sex? Never be sexual? or Maybe I should just go and get some psych meds and schedule my clitorectomy.

 

1- Do you mind scanning and emailing a copy of your credentials and state licensure to practice psychiatry? No. Then please refrain from such prejorative labling, dogma cloaked as "science" and quack diagnosis.

[phillygirl]

My opinion is that your husband isn't gay. You don't have a active and fulfilling sex life with women if your gay, lol.

 

Clearly, you are unfamiliar with the plethora of support groups for women of gay husbands, or ex-NJ Governor McGreevy.

 

Clearly, you are unfamiliar with quite a lot, except your desire to view sexuality as a "male dominance/female submissive" game...

[Soxfaninfl]

Nah, marriage doesn't ruin sex. Familiarity does.

 

No, having children does. It's hard to have it once you have kids. You have to wait till there asleep, or when they are not home.

[phillygirl]

I am always surprised when I hear the husband/man has checked out, but there are more than a few stories like this posted here.... Do you have ANY ideas why/how/when this happened? You said he was very active prior to you... so he enjoys sex. I don't get it...when you had children? He can't stand intimate sex (emotional connection), he only likes strange/new/casual sex?

 

In retrospect, he's always been a bit "off" sexually with me. We'd have sex, but it was mostly on his terms (the things HE liked). After the kids, things took a serious nose-dive. He became more "loving" and less "sexual."

 

So many husbands would love to have a wife who was so sexual. You have my empathy.

 

Thank you. For a minute, I thought all men would see me as a salacious nympho, who requires psych meds /sarcasm.

[phillygirl]

I would not bring this up to a therapist if you plan on fixing things.

 

um...that ship has sailed... the MC is mandated prior to filing because we have children.

 

Unfortunately, there is no easy fix for your problems with your husband.

 

sure there is: it's called DIVORCE.

[Robert]

on topic posts please, keep the topic narrowed to the original thread starters concerns not one poster.

 

Thanks

[Dragonfruit]

If marriage ruins sex is a complicated question, imo.

 

My understanding is men's sex drive tends to remain steady and high whether they're married or not, because they have so much testosterone. Women's sex drive is quite variable but often very high in a new relationship. This is called the limerance phase and lasts a couple of years, then typically drops lower.

 

Familiarity, daily cares, kids, stress, blah, they are not good for it and so many well meaning couples put their relationship together on the back burner for too long for their other responsibilities.

 

But, of course live and learn, you can treat eachother like boyfriend and girlfriend and keep it alive. Women's sex drive can also be physical, limerance isn't everything. Things like exercise and actually having lots of sex can keep it high, imo but women are quite variable.

 

And then the kids get older, the mortgage gets paid down, responsibilities lighten and woo hoo, some of us have a return to the early relationship kind of sex. And to a large extent imo it's like dancing. When you have regular sex with one partner, you can get to a high level with it as partners (in my experience, it has to be daily or thereabouts though, infrequent sex is clumsier, imo).

 

So that's my answer, it keeps changing with the times and a lot of it is under the couple's control, as well. It can be better or worse than single sex. Also, sex with someone new can be thrilling but then remember plenty of singles have long stretches where they have no sex at all, so I guess you have to consider the likely alternatives, too.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[tbf]

No, having children does. It's hard to have it once you have kids.

Not necessarily. Our sex life hasn't slowed down and we have two boys.

[Els]

However, because nymphomania is an addiction with a fancy name, things often go wrong in relationships.

 

Wanting to have sex more often than once every few weeks makes one a nymphomaniac? Who knew? :laugh:

 

Or, you just saw 'lack of sex' and the fact that the poster you quoted was a woman and launched right ahead without actually reading? Hmmm. That's a far more likely explanation than 90% of the world's population being nymphomaniacs, I'd think.