Does Marriage Ruin Sex?

[xxoo]

There's a difference between eroticism and drive and the two are also perceived differently by both partners. The majority of low-sex posters are men, also the gender more ruled by sex drive. The gap between need and desire has been the real story behind many of the threads here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So marriage erodes eroticism for both husbands and wives, but not necessarily sex drive?

[Mr. Lucky]

So marriage erodes eroticism for both husbands and wives, but not necessarily sex drive?

Speaking in a general sense, probably more true for men than women. It's more likely that the husband would expect that sex would continue even in the absence of the other (is erotic the right word?) connection. And given the valid comments about resentment, it's also more likely that males are less conscious of the connection between low sex and high levels of resentment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

Speaking in a general sense, probably more true for men than women. It's more likely that the husband would expect that sex would continue even in the absence of the other (is erotic the right word?) connection. And given the valid comments about resentment, it's also more likely that males are less conscious of the connection between low sex and high levels of resentment...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In the bolded, I would use the term emotional connection.

 

I'm trying to figure out where eroticism fits in, if anywhere. Does a marriage need to be erotic to be both sexually and emotionally satisfying?

 

Also, why don't the things in the article lead to lower sex drive in men? Because they desire sex regardless of the health of the marriage?

Edited March 4, 2013 by xxoo

[KathyM]

Also, why don't the things in the article lead to lower sex drive in men? Because they desire sex regardless of the health of the marriage?

I think that is where the disconnect is. Men want sex with their wife regardless of how their emotional connection is at the time. Women generally want to feel emotionally connected/valued/cared for in order to want sex with their husbands. I know a couple who had been married for quite some time where the husband was emotionally/verbally abusive to the wife and it erroded her feelings for him to the point where she no longer wanted to have sex with him, but he saw no reason why they couldn't just have sex, and he would then start his negative tirade within minutes after she had sex with him. Many men don't understand a woman's need to feel emotionally connected in order to want to have sex with him.

[Mr. Lucky]

^^^

 

Better than I could have said it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

Various reasons of course.

 

Lazy had been mentioned.

 

Emotional connection is one for women for sure.

 

Familiarity is another (both men and some women like some "strange" in the bedroom).

 

Then there is power and roles. the article touches on this - "co managing the home vs bedroom" Sex has always had a power component in all cultures. I think I have read about in casual or non committed relationships for women and men there is a sexual heightening over giving yourself over to someone or something - losing control, being dominated, the ability to be this one thing and walk way. Being dominate or sleazy is easy with a casual or not yet committed partner - because you also don't have to be other things the next day with them.

 

When married there are often lesser (or maybe not) issues over power - money, cleaning the house, even simple things like who's turn is it to take junior to soccer practice - or fighting over going to the in laws. In the light of that struggle - entering the bedroom and "giving over" oneself to the other is challenging.

 

Then there is the inability resolve roles in our society Can I be normal suburban soccer mom, or respected professional, church bake sale leader - and a wildcat/seductress in the bedroom for my husband? Society says the wild stuff is for other roles - single sex in the city gal, divorcee', mistress...... but not for a "good wife and mom".

 

My wife (and I) have struggled with all these issues as well. No easy answer other than to keep trying and working at it.

Edited March 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[giotto]

Many men don't understand a woman's need to feel emotionally connected in order to want to have sex with him.

 

And many women don't understand that a man needs sex to feel emotionally connected with his woman.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then there is the inability resolve roles in our society Can I be normal suburban soccer mom, or respected professional, church bake sale leader - and a wildcat/seductress in the bedroom for my husband? Society says the wild stuff is for other roles - single sex in the city gal, divorcee', mistress...... but not for a "good wife and mom".

After 25+ years, my wife still has the ability to blow my mind in exactly this way. She can be the most normal, down-to-earth person in her public persona, someone you might guess would be a prude. And then turn around and get freaky in ways that, after two decades, still push my buttons. More than anything else, that is what has kept me interested all this time. Never cheated, in fact never even have been tempted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thegameoflife]

Sex is ruined, because young women are brought up to know that sex is a psychological weapon, and our society doesn't exactly discourage it openly. It's less likely to be used when you're not married, because you run the risk of your partner just walking away and finding someone new. Within a marriage though, walking away is a major pain in the butt, so it's a hard place, and sex is the rock. People use sex as a weapon for various reasons. It could be used as punishment, as a reward, or simply a tactic of a self-destructive person. This isn't always done consciously thought either. Few people possess the ability to turn off their sex drive. Instead, unhappiness or a destructive person's subconscious supresses the sex drive, because the subconscious knows that shutting off sex, will result in attention. Lets face it, most guys see this as a problem when the sex stops. In almost all cases, the sex stops due to emotional issues. Sometimes the issues originate completely from within the person who no longer wants sex. They could be self-destructive, depressed, or have many other psychological issues they're dealing with. Other times it's an interpersonal issues with their spouse that isn't being resolved. The subconscious mind is much smarter than the conscious. To your subconscious, if your relationship is causing stress, anxiety, and general displeasure, your brain starts doing what it can to make you move on. The most common are to stop sex, cheat, and flee. These are defense mechanisms.

 

You can overpower these mechanisms with sheer will power to ignore them, and fix the problem that triggered them. The problem is that if the defense mechanism is stronger than your will, you won't subdue it. Lots of people don't have a strong will, which is why people can't quit smoking or overpower other problems and addictions.

 

The reason why these issues are becoming more common in this day and age, is because the stigma of divorce, especially in women, is less of an issue. 50 years ago, you didn't want to be divorced. It was not seen as freedom or a fresh start, and your subconscious understood this. Back then, the brain was less likely to sabotage marriage over what is often small issues. It had to be bad.

 

In conclusion, people who see divorce as an easy escape to a preferable life, are much more likely to cut sex, or behave in ways to sabotage a marriage. Usually when the sex is good, the subconscious won't use it as a defense mechanism, instead the person is likely to cheat. You can see the truth in this by the number of men who cheat and the number of women who cut off sex. You should avoid both scenarios, and instead work out personal or interpersonal problems when these warning signs tell you there are problems.

[angie2443]

I think that is where the disconnect is. Men want sex with their wife regardless of how their emotional connection is at the time. Women generally want to feel emotionally connected/valued/cared for in order to want sex with their husbands. I know a couple who had been married for quite some time where the husband was emotionally/verbally abusive to the wife and it erroded her feelings for him to the point where she no longer wanted to have sex with him, but he saw no reason why they couldn't just have sex, and he would then start his negative tirade within minutes after she had sex with him. Many men don't understand a woman's need to feel emotionally connected in order to want to have sex with him.

 

 

I don't think men and women are that differant. I think both want to feel valued and cared for and neither of them are going to feel that warm towards their partner if that partner abuses them. In the situation mentioned in this post, the one who does the attacking is the one who still wants to have sex. This isn't suprising at all. The one who is bieng nasty isn't bieng hurt. Often abusing someone gives the abuser a power trip which feels hood. Why wouldn't they want to use their partner to "get off" so to speak? If the situation were reversed and the man was the one bieng abused, I'm sure his feelings for his partner would start to erode also.

[xxoo]

Sex is ruined, because young women are brought up to know that sex is a psychological weapon, and our society doesn't exactly discourage it openly.

 

That was a thought provoking post, and I read the whole thing.

 

But then I went back to the first sentence, and I'm wondering why is there a need for weapons in marriage? Isn't that the bigger issue?

 

If women use sex as a weapon (and I'm not saying they do or don't), what are the analogous weapons that men use? Why have the weapons been pulled out in the first place?

[Sunlight72]

Marriage is not what ruins sex. Unrealistic expectations (like expecting your partner to read your mind to know what you want, or expecting your partner to live to fulfill your desires while you don't give much thought to what their desires are or putting much effort into fulfilling their desires) and laziness/selfishness ruin sex.

 

Being busy doesn't ruin sex. It may prevent frequent sex, but it doesn't stop it - and when there is sex however often is possible, if the two people are both present and have remained loving during the rest of their interactions, the sex can be good and bonding.

 

Originally Posted by KathyM

Many men don't understand a woman's need to feel emotionally connected in order to want to have sex with him.

 

 

And many women don't understand that a man needs sex to feel emotionally connected with his woman.

 

These are two great points in keeping things positive. So the way to use this knowledge to maintain fun and intimacy is for both the woman and man to know them, talk about them occasionally (for crying out loud - don't keep it a secret!!! Your partner wants to know how to make you happy!), and then each put in some effort toward the other to satisfy the partner's desires.

 

For instance - the guy, knowing his woman needs to feel safe, appreciated, respected, listened to and loved for her to have the best chance to be in the mood, works to help her feel safe (emotionally safe - don't judge or point out 'mistakes' or make corrections -- rather remember she is your equal and partner), appreciated (say thank you for daily tasks! Mention how smart/caring/talented/thoughtful she is), respected (don't interrupt, ask her opinion, take her advice graciously and with humility and happiness), listened to (stop what you're doing to listen - turn toward her. Turn off the TV. Put down the phone.) and loved (flowers, kisses, hugs, notes, texts during the day to say "I'm thinking of you") Outside Of Their Sex Life.

 

The woman, knowing her man has the best chance to feel emotionally warm and connected with her when they are enjoying a healthy sex life, reminds him that she wants him as a lover - flirts with him with words and intimate touch (his chest, his neck, his butt - places only she gets to touch), humor (mutual humor, innuendos, not self-deprecating or sarcastic non-compliments), and telling him he is sexually attractive (handsome, studly (hey, I said to use humor, right?), strong) - all Outside Of Their Sex Life.

 

...and then - when sex can happen, Let It Happen It's important! Close the door, forget the laundry, forget the phone, and Be Here Now.

 

Isn't love fun?

[Thegameoflife]

That was a thought provoking post, and I read the whole thing.

 

But then I went back to the first sentence, and I'm wondering why is there a need for weapons in marriage? Isn't that the bigger issue?

 

If women use sex as a weapon (and I'm not saying they do or don't), what are the analogous weapons that men use? Why have the weapons been pulled out in the first place?

 

Men tend to respond with emotional distancing or cheating. People using weapons instead of finding solutions, is the bigger problem.

 

People draw weapons when diplomacy breaks down, or never really existed. People tend to lack in communication skills, and conflict resolution skills. How many classes did we take on interpersonal communication and conflict resolution in school? It's not part of the curriculum. Most of what people know is from their parents, and other influential sources.

 

Pretty much all problems in marriages and relationships come down to poor problem solving and communication skills. A lot of the time, it's a personal problem that the relationship brings out.

[tbf]

I was after my wife after 4 days.

While it's great that you and your wife have maintained a good sex life, this is concerning. Weren't you in the least concerned about her pain and inability, post childbirth?

[Woggle]

It certainly hasn't for me and my wife.

[Clockwork]

While it's great that you and your wife have maintained a good sex life, this is concerning. Weren't you in the least concerned about her pain and inability, post childbirth?

 

Well I didn't penetrate her or anything. I asked first in that situation and she said she was still too sore. I don't know about the rest of the guys but when my wife was a new mother there was something that turned me on inside and a new angle that I had never seen her before. Let's just say I asked her if she was ready 4 days in. Trust me, I was in the delivery room and our son was almost 9 pounds, if she was still sore it wouldn't have been fun for either of us. So I waited, but I don't think I've ever been as horny in my life.

[BetheButterfly]

Men tend to respond with emotional distancing or cheating. People using weapons instead of finding solutions, is the bigger problem.

People draw weapons when diplomacy breaks down, or never really existed. People tend to lack in communication skills, and conflict resolution skills. How many classes did we take on interpersonal communication and conflict resolution in school? It's not part of the curriculum. Most of what people know is from their parents, and other influential sources.

Pretty much all problems in marriages and relationships come down to poor problem solving and communication skills. A lot of the time, it's a personal problem that the relationship brings out.

 

Great observations. I boldened some that struck me.

[tbf]

Well I didn't penetrate her or anything. I asked first in that situation and she said she was still too sore. I don't know about the rest of the guys but when my wife was a new mother there was something that turned me on inside and a new angle that I had never seen her before. Let's just say I asked her if she was ready 4 days in. Trust me, I was in the delivery room and our son was almost 9 pounds, if she was still sore it wouldn't have been fun for either of us. So I waited, but I don't think I've ever been as horny in my life.

Most doctors recommend around a month to six weeks of waiting, post delivery. This ensures that any tears or stitches are fully healed. You and your wife should have been told this, upfront.

 

Did you notice that once again, your focus is on how "horny" you were? Four days after delivery, your wife would be moving around gingerly, most likely taking meds for her pain. The type of meds will depend on how much pain she's in and also, whether she's breast feeding.

 

A nine pound baby delivered naturally, is almost guaranteed to cause quite a bit of tearing, possibly stitches, even though most often, doctors prefer to allow delivery tears to heal naturally since they heal faster that way. But if it's major tearing where they're concerned about blood loss, they will stitch up the mother.

[phillygirl]

My .02

 

For ME (emphasis on my experience, only) marriage not only ruined my sex life, but decapitated it, disemboweled it, and buried it in a shallow worm-infested grave.

 

/hyperbole.

 

Seriously, I am a VERY sexual being. I like....LOVE sex. Throughout my single years, I had a very active and fulfilling sex life. So did my husband. It just ended when we became serious, and emotions were involved.

 

While I do NOT believe in that sex within marriage should be fireworks and porn shoots, I do believe that there are myriad variables that, inevitably, wreck it for many of us.

 

Often when we hear about "sexual death" in a marriage, the dominant narrative is that it is the WIFE who is sexually disinterested, has no interest, et al. In my case it is the opposite.

 

My husband will go WEEKS without asking me for sex. I have been turned down for sex more times than I wish to admit. I am frequently approached by other men (and women) and told that I am very attractive. Yet because of his sexual distance, I have doubted my attractiveness, my sexual talents (he doesn't like for me to give him head), and my hygiene (he doesn't like to give me oral or anal, anymore).

 

At one point, I had to call an xBF and embarrassingly ask: "Was I a really bad lay, and you just appeased me?" He laughed so hard, than admitted "I used to spend hours after we broke up j'kn off thinging about you! No, you were NOT a bad lover. I think you married a bad lover."

 

The point I make is this: marriage can indeed ruin sex. For me, it had very little to do with kids, work, routine, or gaining weight (I'm 5'6"/130lbs.)..... It was more that my H just checked out.

 

I would buy VSecret and sex toys and not garner even a second look. I'd walk past him naked and he'd just keep doing whatever he was doing. When confronted, there was always an X-factor (eg. I was pregnant, I was tired, he was tired, he was stressed, he-was-some-other-cockamammie-****....)

 

Demoralizing...

 

Yet, he has frequently watched porn, with all of the things that he purportedly disliked doing with me. Talk about an ego buster...

 

Now, I'm contemplating leaving. I have spent almost 10 years with this, and I refuse to spend another with him.

 

For those who have wonderful marriages with great sex: I applaud and envy you. Yet know, that it is not simply that you've tried harder; it's that you have a partner who's willing to see you as a full sexual being.

[phillygirl]

I don't know about the rest of the guys but when my wife was a new mother there was something that turned me on inside and a new angle that I had never seen her before.

 

Wow! That's amazing.... My husband was completely done after I'd given birth. I however ascended to a new celestial plane of "queen-mother-blech!!!" But sex....naw.

[Woggle]

In my first marriage sex went out the window but that would have happened anyway. Junkies are not exactly what turn me on but my current wife and I can go all day.

[ruh roh]

An wise older man told me this on my wedding day.

 

For the first 5-years, put a quarter into a jar each time you have sex. After the 5-years are up, start taking a quarter out each time you make love. If you find that there are still coins in the jar after 5- years of removing them, you will know that there are issues in your marriage.

 

I was married for 24-years and my jar was still a quarter full when my marriage ended. I suppose that I shouldn't have been so shocked when it did end because for one reason or another, I was as much to blame as her for the lack of sex in our relationship. Unfortunately I just wasn't able to see it while it was happening.

 

Of course in my case, my wife started allowing another man to deposit his own quarters into her jar while we were still married!

[ruh roh]

My .02

 

For ME (emphasis on my experience, only) marriage not only ruined my sex life, but decapitated it, disemboweled it, and buried it in a shallow worm-infested grave.

 

/hyperbole.

 

Seriously, I am a VERY sexual being. I like....LOVE sex. Throughout my single years, I had a very active and fulfilling sex life. So did my husband. It just ended when we became serious, and emotions were involved.

 

While I do NOT believe in that sex within marriage should be fireworks and porn shoots, I do believe that there are myriad variables that, inevitably, wreck it for many of us.

 

Often when we hear about "sexual death" in a marriage, the dominant narrative is that it is the WIFE who is sexually disinterested, has no interest, et al. In my case it is the opposite.

 

My husband will go WEEKS without asking me for sex. I have been turned down for sex more times than I wish to admit. I am frequently approached by other men (and women) and told that I am very attractive. Yet because of his sexual distance, I have doubted my attractiveness, my sexual talents (he doesn't like for me to give him head), and my hygiene (he doesn't like to give me oral or anal, anymore).

 

At one point, I had to call an xBF and embarrassingly ask: "Was I a really bad lay, and you just appeased me?" He laughed so hard, than admitted "I used to spend hours after we broke up j'kn off thinging about you! No, you were NOT a bad lover. I think you married a bad lover."

 

The point I make is this: marriage can indeed ruin sex. For me, it had very little to do with kids, work, routine, or gaining weight (I'm 5'6"/130lbs.)..... It was more that my H just checked out.

 

I would buy VSecret and sex toys and not garner even a second look. I'd walk past him naked and he'd just keep doing whatever he was doing. When confronted, there was always an X-factor (eg. I was pregnant, I was tired, he was tired, he was stressed, he-was-some-other-cockamammie-****....)

 

Demoralizing...

 

Yet, he has frequently watched porn, with all of the things that he purportedly disliked doing with me. Talk about an ego buster...

 

Now, I'm contemplating leaving. I have spent almost 10 years with this, and I refuse to spend another with him.

 

For those who have wonderful marriages with great sex: I applaud and envy you. Yet know, that it is not simply that you've tried harder; it's that you have a partner who's willing to see you as a full sexual being.

 

Phillygirl,

 

After just reading what you wrote, I had to comment!

 

It doesn't sound to me that there is anything at all wrong with you. I honestly think your H is gay! Seriously!!!

[phillygirl]

It doesn't sound to me that there is anything at all wrong with you. I honestly think your H is gay! Seriously!!!

 

Why has this thought entered my mind more than a few times? The irony is that I plan to bring this up when we start therapy. It's something I'd rather not venture into without the appropriate professional support.

[BetheButterfly]

An wise older man told me this on my wedding day.

 

For the first 5-years, put a quarter into a jar each time you have sex. After the 5-years are up, start taking a quarter out each time you make love. If you find that there are still coins in the jar after 5- years of removing them, you will know that there are issues in your marriage.

 

I was married for 24-years and my jar was still a quarter full when my marriage ended. I suppose that I shouldn't have been so shocked when it did end because for one reason or another, I was as much to blame as her for the lack of sex in our relationship. Unfortunately I just wasn't able to see it while it was happening.

 

 

Of course in my case, my wife started allowing another man to deposit his own quarters into her jar while we were still married!

 

That's thought-provoking advice. I am sorry about your marriage.