How to live with cheating on someone...

[thecrucible]

I'm looking for advice, not sympathy or validation. A year and a half ago, I cheated on a boyfriend; and I let him know the next day and left him to make his decision about our relationship. I didn't say "please forgive me", I just gave him the facts and that was that, although I didn't reveal the whole story as I did not wish to make him feel worse. Then a friend betrayed me and told him. I am glad that I did not carry on the relationship under false pretenses and that I let him go to find someone else, but I have absolutely no idea how to deal with the sadness over what I did. I was always the girl to say "never cheat" and was shocked when I did. I really wanted to say sorry to him at the time but I was so angry at him over him at his mistreatment of me that I was completely numb to feeling anything for him. I really don't know why.

 

I thought of sending him a letter now to say after the fact that I feel bad about what I did. But I don't think that would be respectful or sincere enough (I think he has to acknowledge his part as well). And I feel that if I send him a letter he'll be laughing at me and knowing that he's won. I don't want him to have that control over me.

 

And is this part of my past something I can mention in a future relationship? I have been single ever since and I don't feel obliged to tell someone about my past but I'm quite reluctant to mention that to someone before they really know me. What do I do?

 

I read lots of advice online from people who've been cheated on and what not to do in a relationship. But no one ever tells you how to deal with your mistakes.

[Toddbt12y1]

You want peace?

 

My gf cheated on me over a year and half ago; I can imagine he has had no peace either.

 

If you want peace, take 100% of the blame. No, don't tell me you are. See, when you say, "i felt numb over how he treated me." Keyword: how he treated you..

 

Doesn't matter if he did you wrong, cheating if all you. Which yes, you know.

 

Anyway, you want peace? Forgive yourself, don't ever come back into this guys life.

 

It is done. Notjing else to do. It was no mistake, it's done. Best you moveon. Best way to forgive yourself and have peace is by never doing this again; if a guy treats you mean, leace him.

 

You will live with it. It will take time. Just know, he too is living with it...best of luck.

[thecrucible]

Thanks Todd for your honest response. I really appreciate it.

 

I am not trying to twist it into it being his fault that I cheated on him. I take full responsibility for that.

 

I still feel hurt because he treated me very badly and never showed me affection for almost a year. When I told him I felt unhappy about this, he would only get very angry but not try to fix it. He told me "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you" which upset me. But he didn't hug me, kiss me or say anything loving to me for several months and I stopped initiating it with him because he just wouldn't reciprocate.

 

But I have learnt a lot and I know that next time I will dump someone if I am unhappy. I have learnt my lesson. I think you are right about not getting back in touch. Someone suggested it but I am hesitant to do so because I think an action like that would be more about my ego than his feelings. I felt bad enough about doing it myself but I feel the most guilt about not being able to protect his feelings because I could have walked away from him without him being any the wiser and he wouldn't have felt as bad.

[road]

Thanks Todd for your honest response. I really appreciate it.

 

I am not trying to twist it into it being his fault that I cheated on him. I take full responsibility for that.

 

I still feel hurt because he treated me very badly and never showed me affection for almost a year. When I told him I felt unhappy about this, he would only get very angry but not try to fix it. He told me "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you" which upset me. But he didn't hug me, kiss me or say anything loving to me for several months and I stopped initiating it with him because he just wouldn't reciprocate.

 

But I have learnt a lot and I know that next time I will dump someone if I am unhappy. I have learnt my lesson. I think you are right about not getting back in touch. Someone suggested it but I am hesitant to do so because I think an action like that would be more about my ego than his feelings. I felt bad enough about doing it myself but I feel the most guilt about not being able to protect his feelings because I could have walked away from him without him being any the wiser and he wouldn't have felt as bad.

 

 

Here you are, 2nd post, and you are still justifying your affair mentioning how he was bad to you.

 

There is no justification for cheating.

 

After you banged the OM you then trickled truth your BF.

 

Then you say how BF got upset because you lied about the affair to him.

 

You cheated then lied afterwards this is not being remorseful or taking responsibility for your affair.

 

Some XBF's if they got an apology it would not make any difference. Some would like to here those words. That their partner taking full blame. Even though they have moved on and never want to recover.

 

You, by your words have shown that you are still unable to not blame shift.

 

And, I doubt that you could be honest, fully, 100%, honest if XBF was to ask you any affair questions.

 

Do not apologize until you can no longer blame shift and be 100% honest.

[thecrucible]

Here you are, 2nd post, and you are still justifying your affair mentioning how he was bad to you.

 

But surely that is relevant? I know I'm a flawed person but I'm not going to make out like he is perfect. I want him to apologise to me for other stuff which he did.

 

Then you say how BF got upset because you lied about the affair to him.

 

I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the whole truth. That was to protect his feelings because I knew it was over between us and I didn't see the point in flying more pain in his face.

 

Anyway, he could have not lied to me about his porn addiction and I feel like he self-terminated the relationship by not paying enough attention to me. I failed too in not getting pissed off enough at him and holding back my feelings.

 

Do not apologize until you can no longer blame shift and be 100% honest.

 

I know. If I'm going to apologise, it has to be real. I never felt extremely remorseful about cheating on him and I don't know why. I was remorseful enough to tell him straight away what I had done but it went 4 months after that. I wanted to feel bad for longer because I knew it was wrong but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. I really wanted to have a dialogue with him afterwards but how he acted after our break-up led me to distrust his intentions.

 

I just don't know what to do now as I can't figure out why I reacted that way to doing something terrible. :/ It might have been because we were long distance at the time and it feels more stark. If the option was available, I would have told him in person rather than on the phone. I would still have confessed if he'd have been around me at the time. The only conclusion I could come to was that I just didn't love him though I really believed that I did.

[Toddbt12y1]

You shouldn't tell half truths. They are no better then lies and manipulations. That does not mean you tell him, all the raunchy details though. Long distance or not he deserved to know...gemma, my ex, could never letme know...however, it has past. No point now.

 

If you want to feel better, just never do that again. But thes things take time; everything has a price - you have to live with it.

[Survivor12]

I'm looking for advice, not sympathy or validation. A year and a half ago, I cheated on a boyfriend; and I let him know the next day and left him to make his decision about our relationship. I didn't say "please forgive me", I just gave him the facts and that was that, although I didn't reveal the whole story as I did not wish to make him feel worse.

 

It sounds more as though you didn't want to make yourself feel worse.

 

Then a friend betrayed me and told him.

 

Obviously, you didn't tell him all "the facts" or there would have been nothing for your friend to tell him, but instead of acknowledging that your friend may have felt that your bf deserved to know what you chose to hide, you turn the blame on your friend.

 

I am glad that I did not carry on the relationship under false pretenses and that I let him go to find someone else, but I have absolutely no idea how to deal with the sadness over what I did. I was always the girl to say "never cheat" and was shocked when I did. I really wanted to say sorry to him at the time but I was so angry at him over him at his mistreatment of me that I was completely numb to feeling anything for him. I really don't know why.

 

If he mistreated you, you were free to end the relationship. You had that choice. Instead, you chose to cheat.

 

I thought of sending him a letter now to say after the fact that I feel bad about what I did. But I don't think that would be respectful or sincere enough (I think he has to acknowledge his part as well).

 

A true apology is given without expectation of acceptance or reciprocation. It requires one to accept responsibility and to be both remorseful and humble. From what you have written (in this & follow up posts), your need to apologize is more about making yourself feel better ("I'm a good person, I did the 'right' thing") than concern over what you did to him.

 

And I feel that if I send him a letter he'll be laughing at me and knowing that he's won. I don't want him to have that control over me.

 

As I just said, it's about your own ego.

 

And is this part of my past something I can mention in a future relationship? I have been single ever since and I don't feel obliged to tell someone about my past but I'm quite reluctant to mention that to someone before they really know me. What do I do?

 

The best advice I can give you is to do some soul searching and work on the issues you have with needing to be in control and inability to accept responsibility for your own actions before you even think about another relationship. I am not saying this to be critical of you. The truth is we all have flaws and shortcomings, but until you learn to acknowledge, accept and work to overcome them, they will continue to sabotage your relationships. Being confident, happy and loving doesn't come from being "perfect, it comes from being honest with yourself about who you are.

 

I read lots of advice online from people who've been cheated on and what not to do in a relationship. But no one ever tells you how to deal with your mistakes.

 

I have tried

[loversquarrel]

First of all I wouldike to start by saying he has already won. Why do I say this? Because he has rid himself of you.

 

Secondly, what do you care about not trusting his intentions after the break up? You two are broken up, there are no obligations, least of all ones pertaining to trust.

 

Thirdly, It seems to me you are looking for some closure and vindication. Its not going to work. You effed up with cheating, then you continued to eff up even more with the trickle truthing, then even more so with your friend deciding to give your BF the unedited version.

 

A thing about trickle truthing - it is the equivalent of water torture. If you want someone with self respect to treat you with apathy, this is surely the quickest route.

 

Stop worrying so much about who gets the biggest slice of the blame pie. Its over, and he doesn't want you.

[nofool4u]

I thought of sending him a letter now to say after the fact that I feel bad about what I did. But I don't think that would be respectful or sincere enough (I think he has to acknowledge his part as well). And I feel that if I send him a letter he'll be laughing at me and knowing that he's won. I don't want him to have that control over me.

 

Really? You cheat on the guy, lie to him, try to excuse your behavior and put it on him, and you are concerned he will have "control" over you?

 

If thats all you are worried about, then don't send the letter and leave him alone.

 

You simply want to save face. He wouldn't have any control, but if he read the letter and thought to himself that he made the right decision to not be with you anymore, then so what?

 

 

 

And is this part of my past something I can mention in a future relationship?

 

I wouldn't bring it up. You'll have some guys that won't care if you cheated on someone in the past, other guys will care as it is an indication of your character, and past behavior is sometimes a good predictor of future behavior.

 

You said it yourself, you didn't like the way your old bf treated you, which makes me wonder, if you are going to excuse your cheating on that, why do you care what he thinks?

 

And in the future, due to your past actions, any guy would be concerned that if the relationship hit some rocky point that you would cheat again.

 

 

I have been single ever since and I don't feel obliged to tell someone about my past but I'm quite reluctant to mention that to someone before they really know me.

 

The reluctance is understandable. If I had ever cheated on anyone, I sure wouldn't want a new relationship to find out about it.

 

I read lots of advice online from people who've been cheated on and what not to do in a relationship. But no one ever tells you how to deal with your mistakes.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it.

 

But its clear that you want to write this X-bf a letter and want the outcome of it to be exactly as you want. If you want to get rid of your guilt and think writing a letter will do it, then do it. And if he can now strut like a peacock because he realizes he is better off without you, then so what? Let him have that after what you did to him.

[Darren Steez]

Lady is getting flamed and rightfully so. But living with someone without affection well that's not really a relationship is it?

 

Maybe you two were just wrong for each other. At a certain point when it wasn't improving say look this isn't working, maybe it's time we separate. That takes strength, Cheating doesn't.

 

What's done is done. He's moved on, time you move on too. Just the next time open the lines of communication more. If you're not compatible then be real and call it.

[road]

 

 

I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the whole truth. That was to protect his feelings because I knew it was over between us and I didn't see the point in flying more pain in his face.

 

Anyway, he could have not lied to me about his porn addiction and I feel like he self-terminated the relationship by not paying enough attention to me.

 

 

 

 

Two forms of lying

 

By commission: telling a lie

 

By Ommission: by witholding the truth

 

You lied.

 

You lied both ways.

 

There is no way around it. Yet you still try to justify that you lied.

 

Still no remorse, still blaming your BF for you having an affair.

 

Did your BF force you to find an AP, then have sex with the AP?

 

I will answer for you, No.

 

You choose to have an affair and bang the OM.

 

Stop justifying.

 

Those that know better are not buying it.

[thecrucible]

I'm not trying to say it's not my fault. I have just come to an understanding with myself about how it happened. If I could turn back time I would, but I can't. I know my actions have a price. But this is why I'm giving any ideas of an apology the right consideration. Whilst I think it's right for someone to hear an apology, he also told me in no uncertain term that he doesn't want to talk to me and I want to take that seriously. I guess that is the cutting point.

 

I wish I could ease his pain. Of course I wish I wasn't the cause of his pain. And I wish he hadn't caused me pain as well.

 

I cheated because I felt unloved and taken for granted. That's no excuse but that's where it came from. I'm trying to make sense of my feelings. I did feel terrible about it. I don't think he's better than me. I know cheating is a sign of a weakness of character. I know that being heavily intoxicated at the time is only a mild factor.

 

But I don't think I was wrong to lie to protect him. I wanted to burden myself with the knowledge and not him. I knew it would devastate him to know what really happened so I didn't tell him for that reason since, "why should he feel more pain than he already does?". The greater good and all that. At the time I though he wasn't having sex with me because he didn't want me. It was only later that I found out about his sexual hang-ups. At first I couldn't understand why he would care that someone else had had sex with me, since he didn't seem to want to have sex with me. My first thought afterwards was "why is even upset if he didn't want to have sex with me?". I know that's an awful.

 

I know I'm offending a lot of people. But I am trying to give a full account of what I'm feeling. Otherwise I'd be going down the path of manipulation which is not what I want to do.

 

I know that realistically all I can do about this is simply focus on becoming a better person. So I want to understand what exactly is going on in my head and why I've been able to rationalise it so much.

Edited February 28, 2013 by thecrucible

[thecrucible]

Thanks. I know I'm not coming across well on here. I want to become a better person.

[road]

Making someone live a lie is not protecting.

 

You should apologize.

 

Do not attempt to apologize until you can do so without justifying what you did on him.

 

I am sorry for having an affair and lying to you about the affair.

 

If asked why did you cheat. You respond with I had no boundaries between right and wrong back then. I now see how my behavoir was wrong then.

 

If you can never stick to this story line then stay in NC with your X.

[Toddbt12y1]

We're telling you the honest truth.

 

Half-truths are a form of manipulation.

[ComingInHot]

He treated you poorly. That's on him.

 

You cheated. That's on you.

 

I think you BOTH dodged a bullet. When you look long term, a marriage w/someone treated you poorly is a miserable life and some divorce Years down the line making it sometimes difficult (w/baggage of abuse, children & age) to start a new life w/someone if that's your need.

A marriage never fully trusting someone to remain faithful after cheating is just as hard and can lead to the same outcome.

 

My advice, let the whole thing go. Move on. Learn from your bad behavior and choices to live a happier, healthier life.

 

Wish the same for him.

[nofool4u]

I cheated because I felt unloved and taken for granted. That's no excuse but that's where it came from. I'm trying to make sense of my feelings. I did feel terrible about it. I don't think he's better than me. I know cheating is a sign of a weakness of character. I know that being heavily intoxicated at the time is only a mild factor.

 

But I don't think I was wrong to lie to protect him. I wanted to burden myself with the knowledge and not him.

 

And now you want to unburden yourself.....but only if it doesn't give him "the power".

 

Really??

[loversquarrel]

The only offense taken is that you seem to think you can fleece most of us here from your true agenda, that is to qualify your poor behavior. What makes you think your ex-BF is even thinking about you? Why even bother with him with your need for closure? This is really what it's all about, once again trying to fulfill your own selfish needs, not thinking that maybe he just doesn't want anything to do with you. If he did, he would have been in contact with you....but that hasn't happened.