wife is leaving - how to persuade her to give us a second chance

[bradv]

My wife has been having an affair for most of the past year. Last weekend she finally gave him up, but didn't come home. Tuesday she phoned me and said she wanted a divorce. She said she was tired of trying and that she didn't know what we would do together after the kids left.

 

How do I convince her that she hasn't tried to fix our relationship. She's devoted all her energy to trying to make it work with her boyfriend. There are lots of things we can do together. Even though we have both made mistakes in the past, doesn't mean we are going to repeat them. She has built this wall around herself that doesn't let me in and she won't tear it down.

 

I just think that after 22 years of marriage we deserve a second chance.

[Tracy]

You are right, you do deserve a chance.

 

Your story sounds alot like mine, except I am the one who had an affair and my H begged me to "just try". We were married for 7 yrs, and have been divorced for almost three. During that time we have tried on and off; however, it never worked. He always claimed that it was because "the other guy" was still in the picture and I never really gave it my all.

 

Well, I sold my house in January and moved in with him to give it one last full-blown effort. The roller coaster was just too much for me. When I moved back in I completely cut things off with other guy, haven't had any sort of contact with him since January.

 

I'm not sure how things are going to turn out for me and my H (ex). I have truly been trying, but I cannot regain feelings of intimacy for him. Everything is easier for us together, as we have to small children. But, there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I know I felt this way every other time he said "I wasn't really trying". Sometimes I think I was really trying, and I didn't give it a full effort because I knew how things were going to end up. Either way, I wish your wife could realize now how much time and heartache she could save everyone if she was able to either 1) make a clean break with you, without the influence of another man, or 2) make a break from other man and "really" try with you.

 

There is the possibility that she really knows things are over with you two and that is why she isn't offering a second chance. However, with the presence of an affair and another man, it's more likely that he is the influence right now. I hope the first option is true and she is positive of her decision....it would be easier on everyone in the long run. I swayed back and forth so much from doubt and guilt....it not only hurt me, but everyone. My H would have been better off if I could have just said goodbye and stayed gone. His attempts to make me feel guilty and always telling me that I didn't really know what I was doing didn't help anything, though. I sometimes wonder if I could have stayed gone if he would have just let me. You need to be careful of that.

 

This is turning into a drawn out explanation, so I'll stop. I would just advise you to try not to be too pushy at this point. You definitely should make your case, and let her know that you want to give things a second chance. But, pushing too hard may push her away for good right now.