tell me I'm an idiot and talk some sense into me

[Lillyfree]

i've not been having the greatest time lately. i thought i got over the worst bit, yet last week or two i've been very down. i'm dreaming of him every night. i see his face, can feel him holding my hand, they are so vivid. that heavy feeling in my chest is back... i'm re-running things he said, our conversations... i had quite a weepy miserable day yesterday.

 

and it took all the strength i could muster not to contact him.

wth is wrong with me...

 

3.5 months later, i thought the whole 'addiction' thing would be well and truly over. so what's going on now?

 

please tell me why i shouldn't reach out to him again...

[stevie_23]

I’ve noticed quite a few of us who seem to feel like we’re going backwards, and we’re all around the 2.5 – 3.5 month mark. I wonder why this is. It seems to be a phenomena of sorts.

 

I myself notice I've been feeling a bit down lately. Thinking about him ALL the time, though not usually in a sad way. Just...pensive.

 

I feel a certain dissatisfaction and restlessness. I want to move forward but don't know how. I don't know what I'm moving forward TO, and I don't know how to be happy without him.

[Lillyfree]

i've noticed that too stevie...

 

i'm keeping busy and trying to occupy pretty much every minute of my day so that i stop myself from sending anything to him.

had a look at one of the forums he posts on. he changed his profile but not the state, which means he hasn't moved. of course, that gets all sorts of things going through my brain - surely no one would keep a position open for him for this long? could it be that he was moving because of me, at least partly?

 

i'm wondering if there's a voodoo doll he's sticking needles into for the last couple of weeks ...

[Lillyfree]

and i know, by looking i broke NC. what gets me is that i haven't spoken to my own father for more than a month, and as far as i know i might never speak to him again. yet i'm more cut over not having some tosser whom i've known for a few months in my life...

[stevie_23]

So…were you hoping he WOULD move or was the fact he was moving part of the reason your relationship ended??

 

This is the stupid thing about checking up on them online. Everything you read and find out is passive information, and incomplete and indirect. You never know the true and full story, and things you see like the fact he hasn’t moved, or little comments my ex-MM has made, or a song he’s written with cryptic words that I assume are about me…it just drives you CRAZY!!!! But how do you STOP totally?!!?

[stevie_23]

and i know, by looking i broke NC. what gets me is that i haven't spoken to my own father for more than a month, and as far as i know i might never speak to him again. yet i'm more cut over not having some tosser whom i've known for a few months in my life...

 

Well, on paper that sounds illogical, but in reality, I've heard of this before. Some people have even said that when a loved one died it wasn't as bad as breaking up with their ex. It all depends how your relationship was and how it ended and why and how you were treated by the person, and how you feel about yourself and all of that complicated crap.

[Lillyfree]

thanks stevie.

 

i'm trying to say all the rational, logical things to myself. i can say it to others on here, yet finding it very hard to apply to my situation.

 

so far i've managed to stop my hand from hovering the mouse over that send button.

it's not stopping the weepies though...

[Pierre]

i've not been having the greatest time lately. i thought i got over the worst bit, yet last week or two i've been very down. i'm dreaming of him every night. i see his face, can feel him holding my hand, they are so vivid. that heavy feeling in my chest is back... i'm re-running things he said, our conversations... i had quite a weepy miserable day yesterday.

 

and it took all the strength i could muster not to contact him.

wth is wrong with me...

 

3.5 months later, i thought the whole 'addiction' thing would be well and truly over. so what's going on now?

 

please tell me why i shouldn't reach out to him again...

 

For some folks it is two years before things go back to normal. The love was quite real, but, it does not work. However, withdrawal is no picnic. Hang in there; one day at a time. Relapses are normal.

[Lillyfree]

For some folks it is two years before things go back to normal. The love was quite real, but, it does not work. However, withdrawal is no picnic. Hang in there; one day at a time. Relapses are normal.

 

thank you pierre.

 

it would be much easier if i could just resign to being a crazy person and keep self-destructing.

 

all this being strong and trying to do the right thing definitely seems harder.

[stevie_23]

thanks stevie.

 

i'm trying to say all the rational, logical things to myself. i can say it to others on here, yet finding it very hard to apply to my situation.

 

so far i've managed to stop my hand from hovering the mouse over that send button.

it's not stopping the weepies though...

 

Oh GOD yes, the bolded part is the story of my whole entire LIFE!

 

As far as the send button thing...well...what do you hope will be achieved if you did send it? And what do you THINK will be achieved if you sent it?

[stevie_23]

all this being strong and trying to do the right thing definitely seems harder.

 

Sometimes self destructing makes it WORSE for you though. I am a bit of a drama queen and can exaggerate things at times. Little things get blown out of proportion for me at times. But when REALLY seriously bad things happen to me, I go into "survival mode" and turn all rational, understanding, deep thinking, wise, and try to remain as stable and strong as humanely possible, not to put up a front or keep up appearances, but simply because it's EASIER on myself than falling apart.

[Lillyfree]

 

As far as the send button thing...well...what do you hope will be achieved if you did send it? And what do you THINK will be achieved if you sent it?

 

that's a very good question - and i guess an answer to this thread to an extent.

 

i've been thinking a lot about some of the things he said - and i've realised that i've been fairly closed off, and have told him a lot less about my M situation than he told me about his. he's accused me of misunderstanding him a few times, maybe i really have?

 

when i last saw him i said 'there's something i should say to you'... and he replied 'oh, i guess i know where this is going'. the look on his face is still very clear in my head, he looked miserable - i couldn't go through with it and ended up doing it the cowardly way, via email and with no warning.

 

so...i don't know. there are many things he did wrong, but then again i didn't handle everything perfectly either.

what if he was just as lost and confused with everything that was happening?

 

or maybe i just miss him and am trying to find a reason why i should talk to him again. gaah!

[stevie_23]

Well...ok. It seems in trying to understand on a deeper level his feelings as well as your own, and relate them TO your own feelings and thus achieve a greater understanding of the whole situation, that you are getting mixed up in terms of feeling...regret for what happened (which is fine), guilt for how you may have behaved / not behaved (which is kind of pointless, but ok), and perhaps some pity for him. You seem to feel a bit sorry for him.

 

Maybe because you feel sorry for yourself too. Maybe if you feel he and you were a bit similar in this situation...lost, confused, etc...it's easier to let go of some of the previous feelings about the situation...

 

Feeling this way CAN be detrimental to your moving forward, but it doesn't have to be. Having a better or more sympathetic understanding of his actions and the situations does NOT result in a DIFFERENT situation. You know what I mean?

 

The same things would have happened in the end no matter what you did or didn't do. No matter how you feel about him now, or then. It would not change anything. The situation is what it is.

 

It doesn't mean you have a better reason to contact him now than you did before. It doesn't mean if you DID contact him that anything would change.

 

Maybe you feel this deeper understanding and pity or sympathy for him and the situation as a whole because you are actually moving FORWARD and NOT backwards as you might suspect. Maybe this is just part of letting go.

[Lillyfree]

maybe it is just another hurdle in the process, you could be right.

it could also have a lot to do with most things in my life being a mess, and this is some sort of an escape...

 

it's so much easier when i'm angry and think that he didn't care at all. wish my brain would stop sabotaging things and at least stop the dreams.

 

i feel like i can control my thoughts during the day, but those dreams are just taking me backwards

 

one thing i'm definite about: after all this i'll never let anyone in to this extent.

[stevie_23]

Sometimes when other things in your life suck, it can indeed be a distraction to have one specific thing (of your own kind of creation usually, at least in terms of an affair) that REALLY sucks because nothing else seems as bad as that thing does.

 

See, I’m the opposite. I found it SO hard and painful and stressful to be angry at my ex-MM. I found my whole body relaxed and I felt so much lighter once I let go of that and just tried to understand his actions and the situation.

 

Dreams…that’s hard, cause as you say, you can’t control them. Maybe try and learn from them. In the dreams, what is actually happening? What’s the “mood” of the dream like? I’ve heard it’s more important how you FEEL in a dream as opposed to what actually happens in it. When you wake up, how do you feel? And whatever you feel in the dream and when you wake up, WHY do you think you feel it, specifically?

 

I hope you DO let someone else in to this extent at some point in the future!! You deserve to fully give yourself to someone who is actually RIGHT for you and who will treat you as you need and want, and who will hold and protect and cherish and RESPECT that beautiful heart of your’s.

[Lillyfree]

aw stevie... i'm at work and you made the waterworks go again

 

he once said to me he'd never hurt me - i told him not to worry about it, he could only hurt me if i let him.

 

so i messed up and let him.

 

so far, the risk of being hurt outweighs anything good that could happen tbh.

 

dreams are.. vivid, and in them i'm happy. reliving the times we were together in person and it fees as good as it was in real life, maybe even better.

i'm not waking up as many times during the night since they started either.

 

when i wake up ... hurt hits instantly.

i don't know much about dreams, what would that mean?

[stevie_23]

OH NOOO! I’m sorry! Lol. I’m at work too (hard at work, aren’t we? Heheh)

 

Ah yes. You let him hurt you. I let mine hurt me too. He told me he’d never leave me, and he did. I let myself believe he wouldn’t though.

 

ALTHOUGH, technically, we can’t really control our feelings, sooo…you didn’t let him HURT you, you let yourself LOVE him and so that enabled him to hurt you. But there’s nothing bad or wrong about loving. It all depends who you let yourself love. If they’re not the best person / in a situation that isn’t the best for you.

 

I understand the risk of being hurt outweighing the good parts of opening up again. I totally get that.

 

Right after my ex left me, I had the urge to join all these affair sites, sugar daddy sites (omg, right?), dating sites, just to find someone, ANYONE who was like him, to replace him. Replace how I felt with him. And I knew it’d be pointless if I DIDN’T love anyone like him again, so I wanted to, but at that point I also didn’t CARE if I got hurt again, cause I couldn’t imagine being more hurt by anyone so…it didn’t even matter. Ugh. So messed up. I LET myself get so messed up.

 

In your dreams, you’re happy with him. I’m sure you were happy with him during your time together too, but it didn’t work out, and again, it’s very hard, but somewhat necessary, to separate the happy feelings of loving someone from the actual situation which does not work for whatever reason. You DID have good times, you DID love him…and…*sigh*

 

I don’t really know much about dreams either, but it seems you just miss him. You miss the good times. You miss how he made you feel when he made you feel good. Those dreams are showing you the GOOD things, feelings and times. Not the reality which encompasses all the good AND the bad. The reality is what hurts because it didn’t work out and no amount of the good stuff could change that unfortunately.

[Lillyfree]

thank you.

 

i've definitely got enough stuff to keep me busy here... wish i could concentrate though.

[whichwayisup]

i've not been having the greatest time lately. i thought i got over the worst bit, yet last week or two i've been very down. i'm dreaming of him every night. i see his face, can feel him holding my hand, they are so vivid. that heavy feeling in my chest is back... i'm re-running things he said, our conversations... i had quite a weepy miserable day yesterday.

 

and it took all the strength i could muster not to contact him.

wth is wrong with me...

 

3.5 months later, i thought the whole 'addiction' thing would be well and truly over. so what's going on now?

 

please tell me why i shouldn't reach out to him again...

 

Because it's been nearly four months of NC. That's amazing!! Keep going and don't let a weak moment, some vivid dreams and a bad few days make you cave. This is all just part of your grieving process.. It is what it is and just ride it out. keep posting here and whatever you do, don't reach out to him, a few minutes of feeling a burst of energy isn't worth the heartache and awful feelings afterwards.

 

Your A is over. No chance of him leaving. You do not want to settle to be second fiddle and be his OW. Remember how shi.tty you felt and remember why the A ended. You deserve better than a MM, even if you do love him! It's not the right kind of love that is long lasting and will grow into something that can be shared only one on one. He has a life built with someone else, he isn't yours. That's why you should not reach out to him.

[Lillyfree]

Because it's been nearly four months of NC. That's amazing!! Keep going and don't let a weak moment, some vivid dreams and a bad few days make you cave. This is all just part of your grieving process.. It is what it is and just ride it out. keep posting here and whatever you do, don't reach out to him, a few minutes of feeling a burst of energy isn't worth the heartache and awful feelings afterwards.

 

Your A is over. No chance of him leaving. You do not want to settle to be second fiddle and be his OW. Remember how shi.tty you felt and remember why the A ended. You deserve better than a MM, even if you do love him! It's not the right kind of love that is long lasting and will grow into something that can be shared only one on one. He has a life built with someone else, he isn't yours. That's why you should not reach out to him.

 

thank you WWIU.

 

i must seem like a complete whiny fool - i'm angry that i manage to trip myself up like this.

 

definitely in a better place than i was towards the end, and just after. it's scary to even remember how i felt.

 

thanks again, so much.

[Lillyfree]

oh, and he's not married. which i guess stings more, but i've always considered his relationship with his gf equal to my M.

 

...if that makes any difference.

[RickFox]

You're 4 months in to healing, you haven't even begun to scratch the surface to heal properly. You will be up and down like this for a long time. Cut yourself a break.

[stevie_23]

oh, and he's not married. which i guess stings more, but i've always considered his relationship with his gf equal to my M.

 

...if that makes any difference.

 

Yeah, my ex-MM wasn’t married to his gf until 6 months before he broke up with me. But nothing changed in their relationship once they got married. Pretty much the same thing in my mind. I’m not married to my partner but after 12 years, it’s the same to me.

[SunsetRed]

Ok, I don't know your whole story, but if you've been involved w an MM, I can make a few guesses as to why you shouldn't contact him. I'm speaking to myself as well.

 

You shouldn't contact him because 1. He still has sex w his wife, regardless of what he says

 

2. He and his wife go on trips, dates, celebrate anniversaries and live a shared life together, regardless of what he says.

 

3. If he died, you wouldn't be able to go to his funeral and if you died, he wouldn't come to yours. How could you explain who you are to his family, friends and loved ones.

 

4. His wife gets all of him, you get a few stolen moments, secret phone calls and his dick.

 

5. He will never leave his wife, they will grow old together and when they are really old, they will sit beside each other in rocking chairs and will tell each other how glad they are that they never got divorced during the rocky years of their marriage.

 

6. No matter how bad this economy gets, If they lose their jobs, or their home, they have each other for back up.

All you've got is you.

 

Ok, thanks for reading what Ive written it. I've just convinced myself not to reach out to my xMM either. I haven't had contact w him in ages, but I'm having a low point too as I'm about to turn 45 and my job may be cut soon. I'm going to remember what I told you and will let this low moment pass.

[Catplates]

For some folks it is two years before things go back to normal. The love was quite real, but, it does not work. However, withdrawal is no picnic. Hang in there; one day at a time. Relapses are normal.

 

I am putting my hand up for this one.... two years. Reunions... wellll about 3.