Love him or Leave him>? speak your mind to me

[ConfusedIndividua101]

Fello OW followers and posters. This is my story basically I met this AMAZING guy through mutual friends. He is like no other I have ever met in my entire life. I am sort of a Sapiosexual and we would talk about life, physics, philosophy, religion anything and everything under the sun for hours when everyone else went home for the night. And the next day I would have an endorphin rush even though I was hung over and had no sleep. Quite simply, I felt really good around him. Comfortable and respected. He is also an entrepreneur- good morals, funny and so down to earth. The whole godman package. We hit it off, there is a very strong connection/magnetism/attraction between us. I have always felt it and knew it wasn't just me. After all besides the fact that he is good looking- it was subtle things he would do to peak my interest. So one day when we were alone, he asked me if there was tension and me being direct I said "yes" and from there I confessed my attraction to him. That very night we somehow ended up making out on his couch. with one huge problem HE HAS A GF!! and she was sleeping in they're bed upstairs. I KNOW I KNOW... its a no no situation, I'm a bad person blah blah blah. i know. BUT when you meet someone like that in your life- will you ever meet someone like that again? Or do you go for the shot? I mean after all how can take risks and chances in life if you are always living in fear. That is one side of it anyways. I guess my question would be now simply I am not sure if he is reaaallyy good at playing games or if he genuinely cares for me and is confused himself. I will tell you some of the things he has said to me.. but first I must say he was the initiator in everything beyond what happened that night. And may I remind you there was no sex.

1. He says he respects me, and would rather build an emotional bond before anything sexual

2. "He says he cares for me

3. "He wants to see me happy

4. "He has "residual feelings for me"- please tell me what this means?

5. "He is definitely intrigued by me and enticed

6. "I am a challenge

7. "He has never discovered someone quite like me

7.5- he really likes me (lol)

8. "He is confused and has alot on his mind

9. "I am beautiful and intelligent- a combination hard to find and a great catch

10. the off statement : "ANy guy would be lucky to have you- translation- he cant be me?"

11. "I know i have some decisions to make"....?????

12. He likes the where I stand, he likes how I hold myself

13. Calls me nicknames like Babe, Hun, Georgous, Beautiful, hot stuff...

14. Another off statement "Will you give me some time"? fair enough.. but is he stringing me along?

15. I make him smile

16. I make him happy

 

The way I have summed it up is he may be thinking about me in his future as he always talks about making plans- camping, boarding etc BUT he really doesn't make any time for me outside of friday friend circle nights- it has been over two months since we first met. Which is odd cuz I know for a fact he thinks about me very often. Its obvious - I havent even had a chance to initiate a call or text cuz hes always on top of it. Even if I ignore, he will be persistent. This baffles me. Is he trying to stay faithful, is he struggling back and forth. He has never made me feel bad or treated me wrong in any way what so ever- matter of a fact I have grown to like him so much that it is almost hard to imagine my life without him. Mostly cuz he is taking the time to really get to know me. And when we do talk, it is always positive. I am always smiling and he actually lifts me up. It seems like he is a dream. Another thing is he takes all the initiative. he asked for my number, he calls me- I DONT CALL HIM. he calls me every single day without fail. to say good morning, how are you? and goodnight. Sometimes I don't answer, cuz I am scared of getting close and getting hurt, and I am jelly that his girl gets to hold him at night. It is an emotional bond slowly gravitating to a sexual one. i don't know what to do- my mind says let him go- my heart says be myself and let things flow. Open up to him- take a chance. I know Men rarely leave they're girlfriends for the OW- but it is certainly not unheard of. And man would I treat him good- I want him soo bad!! He doesn't know the depth of my emotions, i have a wall with him and he senses that. I am sure he knows why- he is usually very understanding. He says this has never happened in the course of his relationship- and no one has mentioned anything about him being a player of any sort. He is well liked by everyone actually.

One thing though- he keeps asking me "how we should pursue this" i don't know what to say. I loose my words when he asks me this. When I ask what he wants from me- his response is "to be myself"- like what the hell. I don't think he realized I am slowly falling in love with him and HE IS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. he is that sunshine- unfortunately a good friend now a possible lover. *** *** ****- I dont know what the hell to do. Hang in there or cut him off. I deserve to be a priority not an option- but things just simply happened this way. I don't know what else to say. This guy has me twisted. So far ive played it pretty smooth with him- but it is getting kinda messy since he asked me to meet up with him one day then flaked off with a lame excuse. He did not ditch- he just called late. I know exactly what he is doing, he is very good at it. But sometimes I can see right through his fronts. If I am going to play this game I wanto come out a winner. ADVICE???

[LFH]

Get out before you're in over your head and it hurts too much to walk away. He has a girlfriend, not a wife. Girlfriends are by defintion, usually temporary.

 

Tell him that you are interested, you'd like to pursue more, but not as long as he has a girlfriend, or at least not as long as she thinks they are exclusive.

 

If he doesn't make you a priority then don't give up on YOU. You do deserve to be a priority. You certainly should be one to yourself.

[Lillyfree]

oh... i can tell you that i've heard 1-16, with almost exact wording.

 

my advice is to listen to LFH and run.

 

no man is worth that sort of heartbreak.

[ConfusedIndividua101]

I hear you and this is the advice of most people. BUT it has only been two months.. why would he jump up and leave a three years relationship for me so fast? That doesn't make logical sense. i am sure he would need to know me better and feel stronger over time if that were to happen.. no?

[Lillyfree]

has he actually told you he's leaving?

[ConfusedIndividua101]

Not yet.. he said he is wondering if he made the right choice in being with her and that there are things lacking in they're relationship

[Lillyfree]

yeah, i've heard that one too. as have many others - actually, so many that it's a cliche.

 

IME and from many stories here, i can tell you he wants a PA. what he's telling you is ambiguous and you, of course, are interpreting it as him wanting a relationship with you.

 

ask him. be straightforward and expect a straight answer, don't settle for anything else.

that's all i can suggest.

[ConfusedIndividua101]

physical affair.. weird.. cuz he could of already had that. and he didn't take it.. he seems to wanto chat for three hours more than anything else.

[RickFox]

Here's what he's saying to you:

 

"I want to F*ck you. It's really what I want, nothing more than that. I'm not really confused about anything, I'm not planning on leaving my gf, I don't even wonder if I made the right choice with her, I chose her! You're new and excite me and when that newness wears off, I'll be done with you. So, you game?"

[LFH]

Not yet.. he said he is wondering if he made the right choice in being with her and that there are things lacking in they're relationship

 

That may be true... and that's what dating is supposed to be about.

If he's interested in somone else while dating her, then he's not looking to move forward with her, but some people just are more comfy with the status quo.

 

If he doesn't have a reason, he may never make that jump.

[Catplates]

I think he's has a copy of The Cheater's Bible.

 

Heard it all before almost verbatim.

 

He is telling you all this to secure you as his OW. I refer you to Pierre who has some interesting comments on how attached men groom and court the OW. Gosh Pierre you have become a text book !

 

Tell him to leave his GF or leave you alone.

 

Prefereably just walk away. Would you really want him for your boyfriend, knowing he is so very capable of cheating?????

 

Cat

[whichwayisup]

I hear you and this is the advice of most people. BUT it has only been two months.. why would he jump up and leave a three years relationship for me so fast? That doesn't make logical sense. i am sure he would need to know me better and feel stronger over time if that were to happen.. no?

 

2 months of getting to know you vs 3 years in a relationship with his gf.. of course he isn't going to end things with her and come to you.

 

Why are you pursuing him and allowing him to 'chase' you and give you a huge ego boost when you know he's in a R and has a gf? He is in the wrong for putting himself out there like he's single. He IS playing a game. You wanna win? Quit and walk away. Save your self worth now.. If you continue on and allow him to treat you like second fiddle (hense he doesn't make time for you only when he feels like it and he knows he can come up with a lame excuse and not follow through on anything he says to you..etc..etc..) WHY bother? What's in it for you? Think about it. You are setting yourself up for a big fall and pain. To knowingly go after a man who is in a R, has a gf, (are they living together?) is asking for pain and heartache.

[whichwayisup]

Not yet.. he said he is wondering if he made the right choice in being with her and that there are things lacking in they're relationship

 

Hmm, give this some thought? If he is questioning things and wondering if he made the right choice being with her after THREE years - Don't you think he should be talking to her about this? Sorting it out or ending things? BEFORE pursuing you? Seems he is 'bored' and you came along and caught his eye to bring some excitement and fun to him. IF things are really lacking in his R with his gf, do you wanna be the one who is just there to fulfill certain needs he isn't getting with his gf? Don't you feel you deserve 'everything' from a man, not just tiny bits and pieces he can offer you? ON his terms and time frame?

 

He is scummy. A man who does this doesn't even respect his own gf. 3 years and this is how he is treating you. Imagine if he does end it and come to you. YOU could be treated the same way when he gets bored with you after a couple years.. he'll be flirting and playing on the side. Yuck.

[Got it]

I hear you and this is the advice of most people. BUT it has only been two months.. why would he jump up and leave a three years relationship for me so fast? That doesn't make logical sense. i am sure he would need to know me better and feel stronger over time if that were to happen.. no?

 

Because it isn't about the two months vs three years. It is about the three years dating isn't giving him the relationship he wants and so he needs to look at either cutting it short or working on it.

 

It is your decision and your choice. I think, especially since he is not married, you stand better success drawing your lines and standing by them. If he wants you he will make it happen. You decide if you want him.

 

I would caution that he needs to look at why he can't discuss with his current girlfriends the problems they are having. It is in his best interest to not jump from one relationship to another.

 

One thing I have learned, sometimes losing someone, something, give the person the opportunity to decide how important it is to them.

[jwi71]

ADVICE???

 

My advice is to bookmark LS and to explore other sites on being the OW.

 

You've made it pretty clear that you are willing to be his OW - its easily an EA and the only reason you didn't sleep with him was because he choose not to as he "could have already had that".

 

I would further advise that you click back say 5 pages and start reading.

 

As you have been told, your story is run-of-the-mill. Its not special or glamorous or anything. Its just an A. Like all the others.

 

And like everyone, or most everyone, before you...it hurts.

 

You have NO IDEA how bad this will hurt.

 

But you're gonna find out.

[LadyGrey]

A few things stood out about your post......you said he had good morals..........well not so much if he is willing to cheat.

 

I'm sorry but there is nothing in your post that indicates he is looking for a replacement for his g/f, he is just wanting extra. I realize you think it's unique, special and this is different. I'm sorry to say.......not so much.

 

You seem to be thinking that you have to prove you are the one to him and he'll leave her and be with you. I would caution you to change that way of thinking, now and in the future. You should never ever have to prove your worth to any man or compete with some other woman for a man. They either see it or they don't and if they don't.......save your heart and move on.

 

I mean come on, this guy isn't even married, it would be so easy to leave, compared to someone who is married, it's a speck of dust.

 

Oh and never make excuses for a man.

[ConfusedIndividua101]

*sigh* this sucks!! big time. But I need to know why do many woman including myself fall over for Men and are so willing to give everything we have to a guy. Why do you we fall in love so easily ?

[LadyGrey]

*sigh* this sucks!! big time. But I need to know why do many woman including myself fall over for Men and are so willing to give everything we have to a guy. Why do you we fall in love so easily ?

 

We misread, underestimate, and a whole other list of things........so easy to do, but I hope you will back out and save yourself the heartbreak. Oh the words......but beware, future faking. google baggagereclaim.......lots of great info so you won't fall into a no win situation like this again.

 

Also at this stage...it's not real love, simply put you've got the hots for him, you want to jump his bones.

[LFH]

My advice is to bookmark LS and to explore other sites on being the OW.

 

You've made it pretty clear that you are willing to be his OW - its easily an EA and the only reason you didn't sleep with him was because he choose not to as he "could have already had that".

 

I would further advise that you click back say 5 pages and start reading.

 

As you have been told, your story is run-of-the-mill. Its not special or glamorous or anything. Its just an A. Like all the others.

 

And like everyone, or most everyone, before you...it hurts.

 

You have NO IDEA how bad this will hurt.

 

But you're gonna find out.

 

^^^ True story.

 

Even the good ones hurt.

[todreaminblue]

even if he did leave his gf ....you have said in your post you know this guy plays games, he is saying all the things you want to hear,if he left his gf and went out with you.....would it be when the three year mark hit again he would get bored with you?

 

 

i think you know that you cant be with this guy...winning to you with your mindset si him leaving his gf and being with you in the long term it would probably be the biggest loss you have ever had

 

 

if you want to win the game fine go ahead and maybe he might leave his gf but i would lay the probability highly skewed you wont win the finals.....forfeit while you have a chance to forfeit, take that break.....if you truly do want to win with this guy forfeit until you are stronger to play the "game", till the field is ready to play....and you dont need another player on that field...which in this case is his gf, she already is quite a few points ahead of you with more experience....forfeit while you can...the gf has already played against that man for three years if she truly wants to win she will