1 day of escape

[SECRETANGEL]

Hi,

I just found this board and i see that you all come from diffrent backgrounds & experiences and thought you could shed some light on something for me.

 

Ive been married for almost 4 years.

We dated for 7 years (minus 1 1/2 break up in between)

While we werent together I meant this really nice guy, sweet, cute, smart, at my workplace. nothing ever happened, in fact i never told him of the stories i wrote about him.

2 years pass by and i run into him again, this time i tell him about the crush, & i read him the story. The man goes gaga, he says i could make a living writing. It turns out that he had a eye for me too. Well one day i was sick and too medication which made lowered my inhabitions a bit, go figure Nyquil...

By this time my boyfriend and i had gotten back together.

Well, after meeting him at his workplace and practicly giving him the option to bring the story to life, he chose no, becuase he was my friend and had gotten married. Fine, no problem, it was better that way. But i ended up cheating on him anyway with someone else.

Well 4 years later now, and i have the opportunity of a life time. Im restless, stressed out beyond belief, hormones are raging, weight is dropping , another story was written and the man almost passed out after reading it.

I loooooove my husband to death, but sometimes i feel he never was able to tap that certainside of me, unlike my friend always could even without trying. Not to mention some physical charecteristics that can alter enjoying sex as much as before. other than that i'm pleased with him.

I find myself wanting sex more and more often and he cant keep up, he calls me a freak with a smile to his face and says he needs a break, ARGH!

I asked my husband if i can have 1 day to do whatever i wanted, and i could come home and he still loved me.

He said yes, i could have that day.

 

Now, what would you do?

TIA, sorry for the length.

 

edited to say:

Please note that i havent seen my friend physically in about 3 years all of this interaction takes place electronicly. He has never disrepcted me in any way. He is still married and has 3 kids of his own, he cheated on her before they were married, but never since.

But he could seriously consider some alone time with me, he regrets not taking the oppurtunity when he had it.

[Tracy]

If you want your marriage to end, go ahead. But, why not just end things first and then do what you want?

 

Especially in your state of restlesness, being with someone else---if even only for one day----will make things worse. A man could possible have a one-sex encounter and then detach from it. But, you will develop emotional connections. Even if you don't see the one-timer ever again, it will affect things between you and your H.

 

NO. DON"T DO IT.

[whichwayisup]

Just a thought here...How are YOU going to feel when your husband says, "Honey, I'm going to find someone and have sex with them too. You're gonna do, so now I am too..."

 

There's a good chance there's gonna be ALOT of hurt feelings here both ways. I wouldn't do it. Yes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It is really worth it????

[SECRETANGEL]

as tempting as it is to give in i know that its wrong.

I dont want an emotional attachment, just a moment where i can jump out of my own skin. Even if thats a simple as sharing a kiss with him, or have a drink ( i dont drink).

 

we dont break up becuase we have a special little boy to raise.

 

Maybe i just need medication, i cant focus on anything lately.

all of these feeling go against everything i belive in.

[TMCM]

I have a couple of questions for you to consider:

 

What are you going to do if the sex with this other guy is much better than with your H's?

 

Are you absolutely sure you'll be able to say that you do not want to have sex with him anymore?

 

How do you feel in seducing a married man who rightly so rejected your sexual advances because he did not want to hurt his wife?

 

Would you like to be in his wife's shoes?

 

Please think about these seriously before going ahead.

[Ladyjane14]

If your friend is married with kids, how would be the effect on his marriage when his wife finds out? ( They pretty much always do.)

 

Do you want to inflict that kind of pain on another woman? On his kids?

 

Sounds like there's quite a few people to consider.

[SECRETANGEL]

We both wanted to but never went thru with it, we valued our friendship more, but the what if's linger to this day. Maybe not always on the surface of our consiusness but there nonetheless.

Could the sex be better? I dont know. Could i only do it once? Shoot i cant even manage to agree on aggreeing with myself that this is what i really want, let alone considering a second time.

 

Ive never even thought of even looking at another man as a married woman, not including the ups man, he's so cute in the little brown shorts.

 

Maybe if we keep our wants on paper, our hearts would never have to go thru regret. He always told me that if I wasnt feeling well that writing is safe outlet. The writings are not necceasrily sexual in nature, alot of it is introspective, it helps to some degree.

 

I wish i wasnt in my shoes, let alone hers, im very conflicted about this.

I dont want to give anyone pain.

Again, i may be just going thru depression or something where medication would help me feel like i dont HAVE to or NEED an escape. Im so damn stressed, leaving the house is a challenge.

[Ladyjane14]

Don't hesitate to talk to your primary care doctor about that. Give him/her a call and make an appointment.

 

And give yourself ALOT more time before acting on your fantasies. You're on the right track to suspect that depression could be altering your decision-making abilities.

[jmargel]

You need to see a marriage counselor. Boinking someone else is not going to relieve your stress, it'll just make more of it.

[SECRETANGEL]

your right,

"boinking" out stress shouldnt be the way to go to get rid of it.

as i stated earlier, i think its not even, pardon the expression, a full boinking that i'm looking for.

I figure that if i cant even get myself to kiss him, because of all the reasons all of you stated than

I'll just keep it on paper.

 

-----Vent-----------

Its not -*()*&(( fair that my husband has this whole life separate from mine. He goes to clubs on any day of the week. Comes home so late that he cant go to work the next day (like today). He leaves me for days at a time, on roadtrips. Not to mention the money he spent on a hotel for a concert in our damn area he could have just come home at the end of the last band, but he said he needed to get away. I chalked it to him needding a break. But we could have used the 300$.

And i have been 100% faithful, 100% of the time no exceptions! at home taking care of our little boy. I tell him to leave just 30 minutes earlier from concerts so he can catch the train so he can get home on time, what does he say, " No!, i'm going to see ALL the bands"

What time did he come home 5:30 am!! he had to call out of work, missed out on overtime and paid time off!

But i cant say $hit!

 

I dont want to hurt him or seek revenge, becuase he is a loving husband and good father nonetheless. I just need a break! I never go anywhere! Do anything! I dont have friends that i can call up and say hi. Nor would they understand since im the sturdy, straight and narrow one. I feel like if i dont get a release of all of this stress im going to go insane!

 

Im sorry, i just want to cry right now.

[Tracy]

I used to take my anger out on my H because I was upset that he "was free to do whatever he wanted". I realize now that even though he took time off for himself, he didn't neglect any of his husband/fatherly duties. It wasn't his fault that he knew how to do something for himself sometimes.

 

I felt guilty when I did something for myself, so I didn't. That was my error in thinking. Now, his doing stuff may be a little extreme, and he should devote a little more time to you/kids. However, you have to take it upon yourself to take time to do something. Actively try to find someone (girlfriend) to do something with. Go to a hotel for the weekend. Go shopping. Something. Try to make it a routine thing. I would be careful about the club scene though, especially the frame of mind you're in.

[amer]

Don't even think you have a free pass to cheat!

 

You do not. You are married.

 

If you're unhappy address that withh a shrink.

 

If yor libido is mismatched with your husband, then address that with a marriage counselor and the use of a good electronic toy.

 

Do not cheat.

 

Stop this emotional affair you are having.

 

It was unlcear to be if your husband cheats. If he is, he has to stop too.

[pedwin]

Go to the Doctor!!! Buy a vibrator!!!!

Good Lord!! Most of the people on this board are trying desperately to save their marriage and you're looking for a way to totally wreck yours!!! Think before you leap. The grass is never greener on the other side.

Pedwin!

[guest]

"Its not -*()*&(( fair that my husband has this whole life separate from mine. He goes to clubs on any day of the week. Comes home so late that he cant go to work the next day (like today). He leaves me for days at a time, on roadtrips. Not to mention the money he spent on a hotel for a concert in our damn area he could have just come home at the end of the last band, but he said he needed to get away. I chalked it to him needding a break. But we could have used the 300$."

 

 

 

It seems to me there are some problems in your marriage: you are staying at home taking care of young child while your husband goes out to enjoy himself at clubs whenever he pleases, concerts etc. and leaves you alone for days at a time(presumably to work) but can't get to work sometimes due to these other activities. He also spends money on frivolous things that you need for other things. I don't think these are things that a "loving" or responsible husband would do. He is the one who is putting your marriage in jeopardy apparently. Sounds like some things need to change, hope you can talk to him and get him to listen to you. Try telling him that you need to do things also for yourself and that while you are doing them he can stay home and take care of your son so you don't have to pay for a babysitter etc. I wouldn't recommend "boinking" someone else that wont solve anything. Good luck.

[Bobbers Girl]

I am sleeping with my ex husband and the both of us are remarried to others, we have been apart for 17 years and I gotta tell you it's been the best sex I have ever had! We both know we can't turn back the hands of time even though we would love to! We are happy right now being able to be there for each other and give each other as much love as we want. He loves me and I love him but we both have families. (Long story there!) I just spent yesterday with him again.

So - I will not tell you not to sleep with this guy - it may be the adventure of a lifetime!! I will also let you know that it will be hard to stop doing it once you start.

But you only live once and I am making the most of my life now. I am 40 years old and my ex husband is 43. We need to share abit of each others lives. We are very much in love with each other.

I have no regrets for sleeping with the love of my life nor do I have any guilt.

I know we may get caught and if we do well not sure what will happen but I know it won't be the end of the world. Maybe if we get caught we will be able to spend the rest of our lives together as it should be.

So if you need adventure in your life - go for it! I did! I wouldn't change a thing!!

[XXX.......]

Bobbers Girl, Do have any morals at all?

I do not care what situation you are in. Women like you make me sick.

If you get caught it won't be the end of the world? Then get the F*** out of the relationship you are in now.

It amazes me that you could careless. If you loved him so much why wouldn't you end it with him instead of being a deceitful person.

Not feeling guilty, Good for you. What comes around goes around and you got one coming!

It could be an adventure of a lifetime, one that can tear apart the hearts of the innocent people standing by??

I do NOT care what situation the home life is, if you aren't happy end it. To go thru life like this, You are living a lie and don't care?

Your family should be real proud of you............

[reservoirdog1]

I'm willing to bet that, when you asked your husband if you could have a day to do whatever you wanted and he said yes, he DIDN'T mean "yes, it's OK for you go off and f*ck somebody else." He probably meant that you could go get your nails done, or go shopping, or shoot the breeze with your girlfriends. Please don't play dumb on this one... he didn't give you the permission you think he did, and you know it.

 

My God, woman... get ahold of yourself. Literally if you have to. You have responsibilities. You think you're the only one who's ever felt a sexual thrill in the presence of somebody you're not married to or haven't slept with yet? Think again. Just because YOU feel that thrill, doesn't mean that YOU get to play by a different set of rules. You're not special in that way.

 

If you're dead set on f*cking another guy, at least have the class and respect for your husband to be honest with him and leave him first, so that he can find somebody who's worth his time. And if this is just a fantasy you're dealing with and you're not really planning to act on it, then try something called "projection" -- channel your feelings for this other guy into firing up your sex life with your husband.

 

You know what you have to do. Now go do it.

[emra]

I agree 100% with reservoirdog1.

What are you giving the children. A life of lies. You are teaching then when the going gets tough, do what you want because that's what I am doing, just to have the adventure of your life.

That is terrible....

Have you heard of morals and standards? What about trust and honesty.

Every relationship has problems and it amazes me that people instead of dealing with them will go out and screw someone else. My God.

I feel sorry for the children involved that they are being shown this type of behavior and in bobbers girls eyes, it seems to be ok.

I think you should really reevaluate who you are and what kind of life you really have.

[SECRETANGEL]

Hope you all are having a great holiday weekend.

i just wanted to truly thank all that have responded so far.

and add a couple of comments.

 

 

reservoirdog1: yes, he actually DID give me permission to get ANYTHING out of my system that i so desired, but he left it to my descretion and as to what extent it would go.

He stated the following " I love you too much to see you unhappy" I also feel that he gave me the free pass becuase deep down he knew that i wouldnt use it, unless i was drugged or something crazy like that.

(reminder i dont drink or do drugs in any form)

 

Will i ever use it? Every day i go more and more towards not. Which is a REALLY good thing. It really is a mental, spiritual, physical & emotional battle. Im trying to find subtle ways to work in what i would of liked to experience with my friend, with my husband instead, its going to take a while. is that what you mean by projection?

 

We are spending more time together, he hasnt gone to any concerts this weekend and I got a chance to go shopping today and plan for our vacation, while he watched the baby ( he has 5 more concerts and a 4 day road trip all within the next 2 months though), I'll miss him.

 

I really think about what could happen if we go through with it and everyone it could hurt. Realisticly speaking, it would be a logistical nightmare, all the when and where and how makes my head hurt. God has definalty answered my prayers in that im not thinking as intensly about it and I feel guilt whenever i do. Also not being able to communicate with him the last couple of days has noticeably helped as well. Hopefully my friend is going thru the same train of thoughts and guilt associated with them. And if it hasnt, ill have to remind him the horror it could bring into our families lives.

He really is a great friend and i dont want us to destroy that.

 

Bobbersgirl: Hope you dont get cuaght but instead are able to sit with your current husband and can part ways on as good of terms as possible, so you can be with whom you really love. Thank you for your point of view.

 

Pedwin: If i wanted to destroy my marriage i would have done it already, but i came here, i guess to get some intervention and insight from people that dont know me at all, but may know my situation.

 

LadyJane14: Thank you!

 

Tracey: I totally get what your saying. Time is an expensive commodity. Before I had the baby i always made time for me. Taking care of a child with special needs is like having 3 "regular" kids. I went shopping today, spent more than i probly should, but it felt good to get out of the house and it alleviated a little of that stir crazy feeling. Everything seemed so diffrent. I dont like clubs of any type, the smoking, the drinking, the loud music,, it all gives me a headache, Thank God right? Thinking about the hotel thing, ive always wanted to try a spa weekend.

 

All in all, its a battle, and ill write out my feelings and get medication if doctor deems neccesary, but i dont seek to destroy my family or anyone elses.

Thanks for listening.

[reservoirdog1]

SecretAngel... I'm very glad to read what you wrote. I suspect that your husband felt that the only chance he had at keeping you was to let you have your extramarital adventure -- finding out that a spouse has cheated is a hell of a blow, and no doubt learning that it's all but a fait accompli is a sock to the gut as well. It probably wasn't consent freely given.

 

All of which is hopefully moot, however, since you appear to have seen the light. I want to be clear -- at no time did I say that there was something wrong with you because you had the feelings you did. Everybody has those same feelings at times -- we're all human. Having them doesn't determine our strength of character. It's how we deal with them that determines that.

 

And yes, that's exactly what I meant by projection. It's a psychological technique that usually happens by "accident" (e.g. often a person who's actively having an affair tries to project their own guilt onto their spouse by accusing them of infidelity). You sound like you're using that technique, although in a positive and beneficial way. It should yield positive results given time, and it sounds like you're willing to make that investment of time.

 

I wish you well. Given your feelings, you should probably end communication with your "friend", lest you succumb to temptation in the future. But that's just my opinion.

[TMCM]

Secretangel

 

It is really great that every day you are moving away from a choice that could very well destroy your life and the lives of the ones you love.

 

You may be interested in reading the article by Peggy Vaughn titled Preventing Affairs as well the other articles she has on her website.

 

I wish you and yours the best.

 

BobbersGirl

 

You said:

 

"I have no regrets for sleeping with the love of my life nor do I have any guilt. I know we may get caught and if we do well not sure what will happen but I know it won't be the end of the world."

 

I wonder if you will feel the same when your D discovers your affair and you see the devastation you have caused her.

 

"Maybe if we get caught we will be able to spend the rest of our lives together as it should be."

 

Wouldn't it be ironic if that ever happened and your lover turned around and dumped you like yesterday's bad news? Far fetch? Not really because it is a known fact that the majority of unfaithful H's seldom leave their W's for the OW. It is called Poetic Justice.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

monogany is not for humans

[TMCM]

Originally posted by kellydontwanttasleep

monogany is not for humans

 

A continent [Africa] is being decimated by AIDS because of people who share your beleif.

[pedwin]

Their are many excuses for bad behavior! You can always find one! Bottom line is if you are married and you sleep with someone else you are a low life!!!

You are also a coward for not ending the marriage first and let that person find happiness.

Pedwin

[Tracy]

I don't think it's a good idea, and I really hope you decide not to go through with it....that you're able to think about some of the advice you've gotten and it makes a difference.

 

I want to commend you for having enough sense to post your thoughts and talk it through before you acted. Most people would be selfish enough to impusively act on their desires, and be left with regret. KUDOS to you...(now, just don't do it )