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I took a small step over the line...


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I feel terrible. Everyone has permission to virtually slap me silly. I need it.

 

I am in a good relationship with a good man. We've been together almost 8 months and he's an amazing person.

 

We have a very non jealous relationship. He is still friends with his ex and they even hang out once in a while. I have met her and she's nice. I have no problem with this at all.

 

There is one ex I still talk to once in a while. It seems like about every three months or so, he checks in. He usually does this via facebook chat, but sometimes I get a text or even a call. The last time he called me my BF was here and new it was him and had no problem with it.

 

Last night I was hanging out with my BF, and I had my laptop open playing a game. My ex IMed me on facebook. One of my best friends who is currently out of state was also IMing me at the same time.

 

Bottom line, the conversation with my ex got outright flirtatious. I can't really say if it was him who started it or me. It was mutual.

 

I was telling him about the film project I'm working on right now. He said when it's done he would love to check it out. I told him when it's done I will let him know, and I said I'm sure it will be posted online somewhere. And he responded with, "Ah, you mean I can't can't come over and check it out?" I said, "You just want to know where I live you stalker."

 

My ex doesn't know where I live. I moved shortly after the breakup and I have actually tried to keep it hidden from him. Long story but he has a tendency to randomly show up places unannounced and wear out his welcome. We have a lot of mutual friends, and none of our mutual friends were invited to my housewarming party, etc.

 

And I told him I was just teasing when I called him a stalker, and he said, "Yea, but not teasing in the fun way."

 

I told him I was thinking about him the day before that because it was a mutual friend's birthday... and after that friend's birthday party a few years ago was when I first hooked up with him. He said, "Yea, we had some good times didn't we?"

 

I told him yes we did, and then I changed the subject. I started talking about this bar him and I used to go to a lot and how it's changed since they are under new ownership. He said he hasn't been down there since it's a different scene now. I said, "Yea, it's not the same anymore."

 

He said, "Well maybe you and I should go down there sometime for a couple drinks."

 

I said, "Ah, you just want to get me drunk."

 

He was like, "Yea, maybe."

 

I changed the subject then and started waiting a long time to respond to his IMs. He asked me what I was doing last night and hinted that he wanted me to meet him at that place then. I told him I was hanging out with my BF.

 

At one point my bf left to go get food. I offered to go with him but he was like, "No, you stay here and talk to *my friend* since you haven't heard from her in a while." He didn't know I was also talking to my ex. I can't even really give a reason why I didn't tell him. If he would have asked who I was talking to I would have told him. But I didn't volunteer the info I guess out of guilt.

 

So... I know this is a really mild offense. But I try to treat others as I would want to be treated... and I know if the shoe was on the other foot and my bf was flirting with his ex I would be upset. I know what I did was wrong and I feel really bad.

 

I have no intention of ever meeting up with my ex or doing anything with him. He ripped my heart to pieces. Something about him still being attracted to me is really, really flattering. And that's all last night was for me, flattery. I don't still have feelings for him. I have recently lost a lot of weight and I look a lot better now then I did when I was dating him. Part of me liked rubbing that in his face like, "Haha, look what you missed out on!"

 

So... any thoughts or advice are appreciated. I won't do it again. In fact I'm considering blocking him altogether so this won't happen in the future.

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My GF talks to her ex from to time but it too is rare, probably more rare then you and your ex (maybe once or twice a year). She too talks to her ex on facebook chat. I don't care if she talks to him, but I always tell her "don't do anything I wouldn't do." lol. Your best bet so that the guilt isn't bothering is to just tell your bf that your ex IMed you the other night. If he is like me in this sitaution he'll shrug it off and be like "ok"... next topic. However, if you wait longer and then he finds it then it will make it out like you were hiding something, which could get him a little paranoid.

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How would you feel if your amazing boyfriend was doing this to you? You flirted with your ex right in front of him. You have shown that you have no respect for your boyfriend. You are a very foolish person. You need to be honest with your boyfriend about what was happening and with whom. You made your boyfriend look like a fool. Would you want your boyfriend to make you look like a fool? You owe your amazing boyfriend an apology. What you are doing is very self-destructive.

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What's the point of even being in contact with your ex? Why don't you just stop talking to him. A chat every 3 months is hardly the friendship of the century so move on and delete him and live life with your bf.

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Your need for flattery at that moment was more important to you than being respectful to your boyfriend. You need to figure out why you need that outside validation. You also need to accept that you have a weakness for flattery and attention, and keep yourself out of tempting situations. If you don't you will find yourself in these circumstances over and over again.

 

Be introspective. Part of being mature is to know yourself, and to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses. We can use that knowledge to "babysit" ourselves and keep away from situations that could be self destructive or hurtful to others.

 

Things don't just "happen" to us. Life is all about choices.

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You're wondering why you are getting on your BF's nerves? Flirting with your ex with your BF in the same room is just nasty. Why are you even talking to this guy? You don't even want him to know where you live.

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My GF talks to her ex from to time but it too is rare, probably more rare then you and your ex (maybe once or twice a year). She too talks to her ex on facebook chat. I don't care if she talks to him, but I always tell her "don't do anything I wouldn't do." lol. Your best bet so that the guilt isn't bothering is to just tell your bf that your ex IMed you the other night. If he is like me in this sitaution he'll shrug it off and be like "ok"... next topic. However, if you wait longer and then he finds it then it will make it out like you were hiding something, which could get him a little paranoid.

 

I am planning on telling him probably this weekend. I saw this weekend because I will see him this weekend. Rather tell him face to face then in a text or an IM.

 

He is not a jealous person at all. He will probably react the way you would and just be like, "Ok." and then be done with it.

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How would you feel if your amazing boyfriend was doing this to you? You flirted with your ex right in front of him. You have shown that you have no respect for your boyfriend. You are a very foolish person. You need to be honest with your boyfriend about what was happening and with whom. You made your boyfriend look like a fool. Would you want your boyfriend to make you look like a fool? You owe your amazing boyfriend an apology. What you are doing is very self-destructive.

 

I said in my post I would be upset if the shoe were on the other foot. Yes, I flirted with my ex right in front of him... I have no excuse for my bad behavior. Would it have been any better if I flirted with my ex behind my current BF's back though? I'm just saying... flirting with the ex is no good regardless of how it happens. I feel really bad.

 

I plan on apologizing this weekend when I see him.

 

ANAndI also came home from work tonight and blocked my ex from messaging me on facebook.

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What's the point of even being in contact with your ex? Why don't you just stop talking to him. A chat every 3 months is hardly the friendship of the century so move on and delete him and live life with your bf.

 

Well, there is no point I guess. I came home from work tonight and blocked him so he can't message me on facebook anymore.

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Your need for flattery at that moment was more important to you than being respectful to your boyfriend. You need to figure out why you need that outside validation. You also need to accept that you have a weakness for flattery and attention, and keep yourself out of tempting situations. If you don't you will find yourself in these circumstances over and over again.

 

Be introspective. Part of being mature is to know yourself, and to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses. We can use that knowledge to "babysit" ourselves and keep away from situations that could be self destructive or hurtful to others.

 

Things don't just "happen" to us. Life is all about choices.

 

I probably do have a weakness for flattery. It's something I Never really thought of until now.

 

Flattery isn't something I"ve experienced much I guess. I was bullied all through school and I've always been the picked on member of my family. I am a quiet introverted person that most people don't talk to. And until recently I was also pretty overweight. I'm still heavy but not as heavy as I was.

 

When I was dating this particular ex was probably the time in my life when I felt uglier then I've ever felt. I was at my heaviest and I was also not making much money so I didn't have nice clothes and couldn't really afford to pamper myself in any way.

 

Now I've lost a lot of weight and made some drastic improvements to my health. Not only to my body but in other areas. I also have more money now so I dress a lot nicer and actually have my hair professionally done, etc.

 

I know there is more to life then looks, and I know I must sound really shallow right now. But for the first time in a long, long time I actually am starting to like what I see in the mirror.

 

So yea, I had a moment of weakness. I won't sit here and deny it. What woman doesn't want to basically rub their hotness in their ex's face at some point? It's human nature... He broke my heart and I loved being able to say to myself, "Haha... you know you still want this."

 

But my current BF has been with me through several of these improvements. In the time I've been dating him I've lost over 30 pounds. (I was losing when I met him, that's just the amount since I've met him.) He always compliments me and tells me how nice I look and that I smell good, etc. It's not like flattery from a man is something I'm lacking in my life right now. Once again... no excuse for letting him talk to me like he did. But I did block him as soon as I got home tonight.

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You're wondering why you are getting on your BF's nerves? Flirting with your ex with your BF in the same room is just nasty. Why are you even talking to this guy? You don't even want him to know where you live.

 

The times I got on his nerves were befre this ever even happened. That's a different situation.

 

I guess I really have no reason to talk to him still. I blocked him.

 

It wouldn't have been any better or worse if I flirted with my ex behind my bf's back.

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An X is and X.

 

That is why you block them on FB, get new phone number and email, etc.

 

Yes, point well taken.

 

I don't have any plans to change my number and email though. I blocked him on facebook, but he has never emailed me in the whole time I've known him. And it's rare I get a call or a text from him. If the phone starts to be a problem, I will block his number. I've had the same cell number for 11 years (Yea, a really long time for a cell number.) So I would rather block his number then change my number.

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I think your contact with your ex is not innocent and you know this. You know he wants to bang you again so you justify keeping in contact with him by saying your BF talks to his ex, you won't tell him where you live, and so on. In reality you are keeping him as a safety net.

 

Deep down you know keeping him around is wrong but you do it anyways. The right thing to do is stop all contact with your ex

 

This I disagree with. We broke up over a year ago and this is the first time he has talked to me this way. It's always been casual "What are you up to?" conversations. The last time before last night was when he texted me on New Years and told me "Happy New Year." I told him the same thing back and that was all there was to it. I was honestly really surprised last night when he started talking this way.

 

I am not justifying anything by saying my bf still talks to his ex. He has known from the beginning that I still talk to my ex once in a while and I know that he still talks to (and hangs out with) his. It's never been a problem.

 

I have no desire to go back to him. He ripped my heart to peices... It was one of the worst breakups I've ever been through.

 

I think I did the right thing by blocking him and I'm going to talk to my bf about it this weekend.

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For the record I don't think you are some horrible person or anything like that but I see a very clear pattern on these boards and every person who does something similar to what you did denies the truth at first. What I meant in my original post was that you like keeping your ex around as a safety net. Whether you want to get back with him is another issue but its important to know that if you keep him around and he continues to give you what you want (flattery) you eventually develop feelings for him again.

 

 

You said yourself that you have lost weight, dress better, and are happy with the way you look (which is ok and a healthy attitude) but you also admitted that you wanted to rub your "hotness" in your exes face. This spells out trouble and shows that there is still aside of you that craves his attention

 

I know you don't think I'm a horrible person. I appreciate the honesty in your post. I just read it like you were saying I was keeping my ex in contact so I could go back to him if things don't work out in my current relationship.

 

You are right... He gave me a momentary ego boost, which was great at the time but not anywhere near worth the guilt I feel now. I'm so glad I blocked him.

 

Now though, even though he is blocked and it can't happen again, I have no idea how to tell my bf about this. He is not a jealous person in the least. Him and I have even talked about our lack of jealousy in past relationships and also in this one. We are both pretty open minded people... We've talked about having threesomes, etc. I point out hot girls to him in public, etc. But still... I've never done anything that could make him very jealous either. I am going to tell him and I think I have it pretty much worked out in my head how I will say it. I got some advice from an older female friend that was really good. Her advice was more personal because she knows both of us.

 

I don't think he will be mad. But at the same time, there is that small bit of doubt. Like what if he just flies off the handle?

 

My friend who gave me advice said he probably will be mad, but at my ex, not at me. I read back through the conversation, and really, it was my ex making most of the flirty comments. I am not shifting any blame though... even though he was saying most of these things, I didn't end the conversation. I didn't tell him to stop talking like that because I have a bf. I didn't do anything but try to change the subject and say sarcastic things back to him. (Things like calling him a stalker and saying he's going to get me drunk.)

 

I am dreading telling my BF. Hopefully he will see the fact that I blocked him as a good thing.

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Well, there is no point I guess. I came home from work tonight and blocked him so he can't message me on facebook anymore.

 

Does he have your phone number or email? Does he know how to reach oy at work?

 

Why not block every way for him to reach you?

 

He sounded like his conversation was a guy who'd been drinking and was looking for a booty call.

 

At one or two point you lead him to believe you would see him.

 

It's equally as bad that your teasing another man too.

 

You've harmed both men with your interactions.

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Does he have your phone number or email? Does he know how to reach oy at work?

 

Why not block every way for him to reach you?

 

He sounded like his conversation was a guy who'd been drinking and was looking for a booty call.

 

At one or two point you lead him to believe you would see him.

 

It's equally as bad that your teasing another man too.

 

You've harmed both men with your interactions.

 

He doesn't have my email address. I don't even know for sure if he still has my phone number. I know he had it on New Years because he texted me. He goes through cell phones kind of fast though... He had two in the 6 months I was dating him.

 

I suppose I could block his phone number too... As far as I know it costs money to do that which is why I hesitate to do it now. He doesn't contact me that often on the phone.

 

I would bet my whole paycheck he was drinking. He usually IS drinking. One of the many reasons the relationship ended...

 

It wasn't my intention to lead him into thinking I would see him. I wasn't trying to tease him.

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He doesn't have my email address. I don't even know for sure if he still has my phone number. I know he had it on New Years because he texted me. He goes through cell phones kind of fast though... He had two in the 6 months I was dating him.

 

I suppose I could block his phone number too... As far as I know it costs money to do that which is why I hesitate to do it now. He doesn't contact me that often on the phone.

 

I would bet my whole paycheck he was drinking. He usually IS drinking. One of the many reasons the relationship ended...

 

It wasn't my intention to lead him into thinking I would see him. I wasn't trying to tease him.

 

Yes, you were.

 

There's evidence of that in your conversation.

 

When a guy I don't INTEND to flirt with ( or believe I'm leading him on) starts it up - it's MY job to make it perfectly clear that I'm NOT interested... Yet you flirted by saying you were thinking of him - and also remembering the good times you had.

 

To a man - you opened the door!

 

Stop acting innocent. You did this.

 

Minimizing it makes it worse.

 

Don't flirt with other guys unless you want your guy giving you the same thing to you.

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Yes, you were.

 

There's evidence of that in your conversation.

 

When a guy I don't INTEND to flirt with ( or believe I'm leading him on) starts it up - it's MY job to make it perfectly clear that I'm NOT interested... Yet you flirted by saying you were thinking of him - and also remembering the good times you had.

 

To a man - you opened the door!

 

Stop acting innocent. You did this.

 

Minimizing it makes it worse.

 

Don't flirt with other guys unless you want your guy giving you the same thing to you.

 

When did I deny flirting? I didn't. How am I acting inncoent and minimizing this? I'm not!

 

I said I wasn't trying to lead him on or make him think I was going to see him when I wasn't. I didn't give him my address or make plans to meet him did I?

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When did I deny flirting? I didn't. How am I acting inncoent and minimizing this? I'm not!

 

I said I wasn't trying to lead him on or make him think I was going to see him when I wasn't. I didn't give him my address or make plans to meet him did I?

 

You CONTINUED the conversation. Especially after getting sentimental with him.

 

I think you're still hurt by the breakup and looking for validation.

 

Consider how you would feel if your BF had this conversation with a gal who broke his heart not long ago... How would you feel?

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You CONTINUED the conversation. Especially after getting sentimental with him.

 

I think you're still hurt by the breakup and looking for validation.

 

Consider how you would feel if your BF had this conversation with a gal who broke his heart not long ago... How would you feel?

 

I already said more then once how I would feel if roles were reversed. I would be upset. I said that in my first post and at least once after that.

 

You keep jumping from point to point to point wanting to argue with me and I don't know what else you want me to say. I know it was wrong.

 

Yes I continued the conversation after getting sentimental. But I did change the subject...

 

Is you pointing out over and over and over again how bad I handled this really helping? Do you have any constructive suggestions or are you just out to make me feel worse?

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I am glad to see that you are an honest person and will be telling your boyfriend about this issue. It shows that you are taking responsibility. I have a hunch this will be a teaching moment for you and it will not happen again. Good luck.

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I am in a good relationship with a good man. We've been together almost 8 months and he's an amazing person.

 

I have no intention of ever meeting up with my ex or doing anything with him. He ripped my heart to pieces. Something about him still being attracted to me is really, really flattering. Part of me liked rubbing that in his face like, "Haha, look what you missed out on!"

 

A wild guess: your current BF might be a good man but your drinking, flirting, chaotic ex was hot?

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So... I know this is a really mild offense.

 

Ah, don't try to convince yourself of that too much, because from where I stand it really isn't mild. It was downright disrespectful.

 

 

I have no intention of ever meeting up with my ex or doing anything with him. He ripped my heart to pieces.

 

Then it just flabbergasts me as to why you'd disrespect your fantastic great bf by flirting with a jerk that hurt you, let alone flirting with anyone.

 

 

Something about him still being attracted to me is really, really flattering. And that's all last night was for me, flattery.

 

I don't think so. If thats all it was, you wouldn't have even entertained his flirtations.

 

 

I don't still have feelings for him.

 

If that were true, then it wouldn't have been a problem for you to tell him that the conversation was inappropriate as you have a wonderful man to whom you are committed.

 

 

So... any thoughts or advice are appreciated. I won't do it again. In fact I'm considering blocking him altogether so this won't happen in the future.

 

You shouldn't consider it, you HAVE to block him. Unless of course you don't really respect your bf.

 

So my question is, you basically lied to your bf when he assumed it was another girl and you kept quiet. Does he know you were flirting with your X?

 

If you want to be honest, come clean. If you don't want to be honest, then keep quiet. Either way you block the X.

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I am glad to see that you are an honest person and will be telling your boyfriend about this issue. It shows that you are taking responsibility. I have a hunch this will be a teaching moment for you and it will not happen again. Good luck.

 

Yea, I'm going to tell him. I don't think I will go into every gory detail like I did here. But I am definitely going to tell him.

 

I think I will probably start out by saying that I blocked my ex on facebook. Then when my bf asks why I will tell him what happened.

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