About cheaters

[Apolodor]

I must confess that it's still a mystery for me why attractive single women choose to pursue sexual relationships with happily married men.... Where I work, there is this 37 yrs old tall atttractive brunette who is involved with a colleague, a 35 yrs old man, HAPPILY married to a gorgeous 30 yrs old blonde, and who has a cute 1.2 years daugther. As always, the wife is unsuspecting.....(she does come from time to time to have lunch with her husband in the company cafeteria though). The guy is a typical alpha male, good looks + likes to talk a lot of repetitive garbage, and very confident. But if you look behind the surface there is not much left.

After their sexual intercourse is finished the woman goes back to her dog and empty flat. While the guy returns to his happy home where the wife and daughter are waiting for him with open arms.... Am I the only one who can see how absurd this situation is from the woman's point of view?? What compels a woman to keep embarking on such an emotionally bankrupt relationship? Is it sex?? There are lots of single men out there who can provide that as well. In order to consumate their lust, the woman usually leaves 2 hrs before the end of the program, with the guy following her closely. On one ocassion I caught them having sex in the showers at the back of the building.....

 

Maybe women who have been in similar type of relationships can share some insight on how these arrangements work.

 

Many thanks for reading.

[LFH]

I must confess that it's still a mystery for me why attractive single women choose to pursue sexual relationships with happily married men.... Where I work, there is this 37 yrs old tall atttractive brunette who is involved with a colleague, a 35 yrs old man, HAPPILY married to a gorgeous 30 yrs old blonde, and who has a cute 1.2 years daugther. As always, the wife is unsuspecting.....(she does come from time to time to have lunch with her husband in the company cafeteria though). The guy is a typical alpha male, good looks + likes to talk a lot of repetitive garbage, and very confident. But if you look behind the surface there is not much left.

After their sexual intercourse is finished the woman goes back to her dog and empty flat. While the guy returns to his happy home where the wife and daughter are waiting for him with open arms.... Am I the only one who can see how absurd this situation is from the woman's point of view?? What compels a woman to keep embarking on such an emotionally bankrupt relationship? Is it sex?? There are lots of single men out there who can provide that as well. In order to consumate their lust, the woman usually leaves 2 hrs before the end of the program, with the guy following her closely. On one ocassion I caught them having sex in the showers at the back of the building.....

 

Maybe women who have been in similar type of relationships can share some insight on how these arrangements work.

 

Many thanks for reading.

 

It's not absurd from the woman's perspective if she's getting what she wants out of it. Maybe she's perfectly HAPPY going home to her apartment with her dog. Maybe she has a million other things in her life that don't revolve around some guy.

 

Not everyone insists on the perfect and classic fairy tale and you seem oddly fascinated with a story you really know very little about from any angle. It's all based on superficial views from the outside.

 

So... I ask you this... if you know everything and think it's so wrong, why haven't you told his wife?

[Got it]

I must confess that it's still a mystery for me why attractive single women choose to pursue sexual relationships with happily married men.... Where I work, there is this 37 yrs old tall atttractive brunette who is involved with a colleague, a 35 yrs old man, HAPPILY married to a gorgeous 30 yrs old blonde, and who has a cute 1.2 years daugther. As always, the wife is unsuspecting.....(she does come from time to time to have lunch with her husband in the company cafeteria though). The guy is a typical alpha male, good looks + likes to talk a lot of repetitive garbage, and very confident. But if you look behind the surface there is not much left.

After their sexual intercourse is finished the woman goes back to her dog and empty flat. While the guy returns to his happy home where the wife and daughter are waiting for him with open arms.... Am I the only one who can see how absurd this situation is from the woman's point of view?? What compels a woman to keep embarking on such an emotionally bankrupt relationship? Is it sex?? There are lots of single men out there who can provide that as well. In order to consumate their lust, the woman usually leaves 2 hrs before the end of the program, with the guy following her closely. On one ocassion I caught them having sex in the showers at the back of the building.....

 

Maybe women who have been in similar type of relationships can share some insight on how these arrangements work.

 

Many thanks for reading.

 

What exactly are you looking for here? Why not ask the woman directly instead of gossiping on an internet forum? Unless you are in the middle of it there may be details you aren't privy to and no one can answer for these two expect themselves.

 

Like LFH said, if you are so concerned and disgusted why don't you tell his wife? Or at the very least address these two and tell them you know and what you think about the whole situation? Or are you "friends" with one of them, listens, but is blasting her/him/them on the internet?

[Apolodor]

Yes, that's correct. I am in love with the single woman, who unfortunately prefers her clandestine relationship, even though she does have a thing for me. But while this a**hole is in the picture I am just an afterthought.....

[Apolodor]

Well, you seem to miss the point. How about the wife who is being cheated?? How about the moral integrity of this a**hole who behaves as if he own the place where I work?

[Apolodor]

As I said in my original post, I am trying to understand what makes people make such bad choices. I am simply trying to get closure because this woman is someone I've developed strong feelings for. Thanks anyway for your help.

[Apolodor]

Thanks, I know it's hard to understand, that's why I was looking for people to share their insights. What really gets me is that these two people behave as if they are paragons of integrity, whereas the reality is that he is a wife cheater and she behaves like a slapper....

[Apolodor]

You are mistaken by saying that I am obsessed with a story about which I know very little..... I can't give you full details without giving away a number of details particular to my work, which some of my co-workers might stumble upon. Suffices to say that I did a lot of "detective" work and I am not imagining things.

 

One of my troubles is that these are not ordinary employees who have just been hired, they are trusted pillars in my company community. Why project that image of a lady when you are just a tramp?! And that a**hole, how can he go morally soiled to his wife and daughter pretending that everything is fine? You see, what really gets me is the hypocrisy of these two people because I deal with them on a daily basis. They sit with me at the lunch table and make my food unenjoyable. I have to look at this woman while I am eating and stare the guy in the eyes pretending that I am indifferent to their little games. I can probably understand that we all make mistakes once. But perpetuating the lies and the charade indicates some sort of sickness of the soul. Wtf is wrong with this sick twisted world?? Anyway, it seems that I am the only one who finds this situation morally revolting......

 

Most likely you are one of those serial cheaters, whose only aim in life has been to satisfy your animal insincts irrespective of the cost to those around you.

Edited February 27, 2013 by Apolodor

[Apolodor]

Yes, of course her integrity has been shot. She acted like a slapper and she continues to perpetrate disregarding the guy's wife and kid. I wish I could write her off completely, but unfortunately I'll need time to come to terms with the fact that she's morally not good for me. Sometimes love makes us blind. On the other hand, it is the guy who's more guilty because he was in a marriage and he had a kid. Nothing would have happenned if he tried to remember that. It really upsets me that this a**hole has 2 gorgeous females at his own discretion without making much of an efffort, while I hit my head against the wall because this woman won't accept any romantic advances from me. It really hurts......

[LFH]

Thanks, I know it's hard to understand, that's why I was looking for people to share their insights. What really gets me is that these two people behave as if they are paragons of integrity, whereas the reality is that he is a wife cheater and she behaves like a slapper....

I don't even know what a slapper is...

 

You are mistaken by saying that I am obsessed with a story about which I know very little..... I can't give you full details without giving away a number of details particular to my work, which some of my co-workers might stumble upon. Suffices to say that I did a lot of "detective" work and I am not imagining things.

 

One of my troubles is that these are not ordinary employees who have just been hired, they are trusted pillars in my company community. Why project that image of a lady when you are just a tramp?! And that a**hole, how can he go morally soiled to his wife and daughter pretending that everything is fine? You see, what really gets me is the hypocrisy of these two people because I deal with them on a daily basis. They sit with me at the lunch table and make my food unenjoyable. I have to look at this woman while I am eating and stare the guy in the eyes pretending that I am indifferent to their little games. I can probably understand that we all make mistakes once. But perpetuating the lies and the charade indicates some sort of sickness of the soul. Wtf is wrong with this sick twisted world?? Anyway, it seems that I am the only one who finds this situation morally revolting......

 

Most likely you are one of those serial cheaters, whose only aim in life has been to satisfy your animal insincts irrespective of the cost to those around you.

Why do you think it's your job to police them? And if you think they are so wrong, turn them in to HR and/or tell his spouse.

It sounds like she turned you down, you're pouting and your resentment oozes from your posts.

 

Now...

It's none of your business why someone makes the choices they do. They are THEIR choices.

I made my choice because he was and is what I want and need in my life. Period.

That simple.

[Apolodor]

Probably because he's either got a thing for this guys wife, or for the OW.

 

What exactly are you looking for here? Why not ask the woman directly instead of gossiping on an internet forum? Unless you are in the middle of it there may be details you aren't privy to and no one can answer for these two expect themselves.

 

Like LFH said, if you are so concerned and disgusted why don't you tell his wife? Or at the very least address these two and tell them you know and what you think about the whole situation? Or are you "friends" with one of them, listens, but is blasting her/him/them on the internet?

 

Many people have a hard time understanding it. I've read different forums, and the same OW will give very different takes on their "relationship" depending on the audience. You'll probably never get the truth unless you pretend to be someone involved in an A and go on one of the OW/OM only forums.

 

I don't even know what a slapper is...

 

 

Why do you think it's your job to police them? And if you think they are so wrong, turn them in to HR and/or tell his spouse.

It sounds like she turned you down, you're pouting and your resentment oozes from your posts.

 

Now...

It's none of your business why someone makes the choices they do. They are THEIR choices.

I made my choice because he was and is what I want and need in my life. Period.

That simple.

 

They work in different departments, so their affair does not interfere with their work directly. Besides, the woman works in the HR department.....

What you don't seem to understand is that I am not trying to act as a policeman, exacting revenge is not on my mind. I am simply trying to find an explanation so that I can let go. So far I couldn't find any reasonable justification as to why someone would be happy with breadcrumbs when she could have the whole loaf and then some..... She's has settled for a clandestine affair in which she trades her body for the luxury of having an orgasm. She could have bought a vibrator for that purpose. I can't see how romance can develop when you are always hidding from people, meeeting only at certain hours, for limited periods of time, etc, etc. And when you well know that your "lover" has a happy family wife and a wife who is perhaps more attractive than you. Because I have deep feelings for this woman and I care for her it hurts me to see her being used selfishly by some a**hole who does not understand the meaning and committments of marriage.

 

BTW, I don't know your story but you sound like a very selfish person. You claim that because something suits you that absolves you from any responsibilities.....

[stevie_23]

But, OP, what ARE her responsibilities that she's apparently absolving herself from in your opinion? She merely said she is in her affair situation because it fulfils her needs and wants. She was answering your initial question of why a single woman would have a relationship with a married man.

 

I also notice in your original post, you say "happily married men". TRULY happily married men are not OPEN to being with anyone else.

[dichotomy]

So you basically you found yourself deeply attracted to a woman, and you find out her beliefs or actions are deeply against your own standard of morality or decency? You are trying to reconcile how you can be attracted to someone - perhaps your internal feeling of a good partner for you - and then deal with the fact that they do things you find the opposite of good - unattractive or unacceptable to your own code?. Why do good people do bad things?

 

Good luck - and I mean that in a very empathetic way. People do weird stuff that is out of character - and sometimes they simply don't share your belief system - or mainstream belief systems. And thats their choice to live their life as they believe is right for them. I find myself simply running out of things to judge others on - except honesty among those whom I am close to.

 

My old therapist (an MD actually) told me this funny story when I was dealing with something similar (trying to figure out why someone I loved did something I find morally representable, and had little regret or understanding of it) :

 

Three guys are walking in a desert and they see a large cactus plant. One of the guys runs up and flings himself into the cactus - screaming in pain as he falls out with needles in him. The two other guys run up and ask "why in the hell did you do that? the third guy says "I dunno - seemed like a good idea at the time"

 

This therapist also told me a real story - that on his 50th birthday he was driving home from dinner with his wife - it was late - like 1am - in a major city. All was well when suddenly steered his car on to the side walk with a big crazy smile. His terrified but strong wife then smacked him in the face.... and he pulled back into the road and stopped smiling. He has NO idea what came over him... and he is a shrink!

Edited February 28, 2013 by dichotomy

[Got it]

I guess I am still confused by the level of energy but the lack of desire to take action.

 

If you are friends with her, talk to her about it.

 

If you think it is wrong, tell the wife.

 

If you think they are violating company policy, tell HR. If she is the head of it, go to her boss.

 

If you think it is wrong, talk to them.

 

If you don't care enough to take action, . . . . well what do you want from us then?

 

Are you hurt she turned you down? Different strokes for different folks. She is attracted to him and not you. It happens. I am sorry if it rubs the ego more because he is also married but that is her baby to rock. The bottomline, it isn't your job to figure out why she does x, he does y, you do z or Joe Schmo does a, b, or c. Everyone does it because they are choosing to do it. Since you are not in the relationship do not assume to know the details.

 

I am sorry it didn't work out for you and her. This may be her road to walk and any lessons for her to learn.

[JamesM]

I must confess that it's still a mystery for me why attractive single women choose to pursue sexual relationships with happily married men.... Where I work, there is this 37 yrs old tall atttractive brunette who is involved with a colleague, a 35 yrs old man, HAPPILY married to a gorgeous 30 yrs old blonde, and who has a cute 1.2 years daugther. As always, the wife is unsuspecting....

After their sexual intercourse is finished the woman goes back to her dog and empty flat. While the guy returns to his happy home where the wife and daughter are waiting for him with open arms.... Am I the only one who can see how absurd this situation is from the woman's point of view??

 

ALOT of assumptions in your post...the big one is "happily married." What may appear to be happy on the outside may certainly be much different when one opens the doors of the home and peers inside.

 

I guarantee you that most everyone who knows my wife and I would say we are very happily married...and now it is true. But if you went back a year, then it was not true at all. Yet like many couples, we can look happy when we are out forgetting our differences.

 

You assume that he goes home to a happy wife and daughter who greet him with open arms. That is a fantasy for most men but not a reality. Even now...the only one who runs to the door to greet me when I get home is....my beautiful girl ....my dog!

 

Again, life in his home may be far different than it appears to you.

 

The OW may know more than you (at least from the MM's POV) which gives her hope for a future with him.

 

That's not true - at all. The M may be quite happy, but the man/woman who cheats isn't happy with themselves so they have this huge, gaping black hole of an ego that needs to be fed. That isn't the fault of the M.

 

This is also true. It can happen. Yet a happy marriage which satisfies the MM with an ego that needs to be fed is less common than a marriage which is far from satisfying.

 

Here is the thing, OP....the OW may realize that her MM is just out of reach, but fact is....she loves HIM and not you. While it may hurt you, she cannot start loving you just because you are single and he is not. He has what she wants. And from your POV...do you really want a woman who is willing to "date" a man who has a commitment? Would you want to be married to a woman who doesn't respect a marital commitment...whether it is hers or his?

 

Again, it is easy to be an armchair QB, but getting in the trenches may provide a completely different perspective.

[Apolodor]

Thanks for your post JamesM, I need to face the facts right now because it seems I've been living in my head for the past few months......

[Apolodor]

So you basically you found yourself deeply attracted to a woman, and you find out her beliefs or actions are deeply against your own standard of morality or decency? You are trying to reconcile how you can be attracted to someone - perhaps your internal feeling of a good partner for you - and then deal with the fact that they do things you find the opposite of good - unattractive or unacceptable to your own code?. Why do good people do bad things?

 

Good luck - and I mean that in a very empathetic way. People do weird stuff that is out of character - and sometimes they simply don't share your belief system - or mainstream belief systems. And thats their choice to live their life as they believe is right for them. I find myself simply running out of things to judge others on - except honesty among those whom I am close to.

 

My old therapist (an MD actually) told me this funny story when I was dealing with something similar (trying to figure out why someone I loved did something I find morally representable, and had little regret or understanding of it) :

 

Three guys are walking in a desert and they see a large cactus plant. One of the guys runs up and flings himself into the cactus - screaming in pain as he falls out with needles in him. The two other guys run up and ask "why in the hell did you do that? the third guy says "I dunno - seemed like a good idea at the time"

 

This therapist also told me a real story - that on his 50th birthday he was driving home from dinner with his wife - it was late - like 1am - in a major city. All was well when suddenly steered his car on to the side walk with a big crazy smile. His terrified but strong wife then smacked him in the face.... and he pulled back into the road and stopped smiling. He has NO idea what came over him... and he is a shrink!

 

 

Thanks for your ppost, I understand what you are saying. We all make mistakes and then regret it, that's well understood. However, when people keep persevering in their "mistakes" it is very difficult to rationalise their behaviour.

[Apolodor]

I guess I am still confused by the level of energy but the lack of desire to take action.

 

If you are friends with her, talk to her about it.

 

If you think it is wrong, tell the wife.

 

If you think they are violating company policy, tell HR. If she is the head of it, go to her boss.

 

If you think it is wrong, talk to them.

 

If you don't care enough to take action, . . . . well what do you want from us then?

 

Are you hurt she turned you down? Different strokes for different folks. She is attracted to him and not you. It happens. I am sorry if it rubs the ego more because he is also married but that is her baby to rock. The bottomline, it isn't your job to figure out why she does x, he does y, you do z or Joe Schmo does a, b, or c. Everyone does it because they are choosing to do it. Since you are not in the relationship do not assume to know the details.

 

I am sorry it didn't work out for you and her. This may be her road to walk and any lessons for her to learn.

 

 

I can't talk with her in private anymore, because she refuses. She knows that she does not have to explain her actions and keeps ignoring my phone calls/texts. At work, when other people are around, she acts normally. However, when no one is around she goes as far as walking in a different direction just to avoid me talking to her + she refuses any form of acknowledgement.

 

The reasons I posted are

1). to vent (I already feel better....)

2). to get some perspective from women who have been in this no-future, f**k-buddy type of relationship. I confess I still don't understand the reasons any attractive female would debase herself in this way. Well, I guess, to each his own.

3). to get some form of closure -- seeing her everyday drives me crazy.

 

Thanks anyway for your help.

[JamesM]

As beautiful as she is, she may have a whole lot of baggage that you do NOT want to carry for her.

 

Seriously, don't be jealous of him at all. Feel sorry for him and the trouble that he could be in very shortly.

 

I know the feeling...how can such a beautiful woman make such a stupid mistake? I remember a girl who I thought the same thing about. She was interested in a guy who was a drug dealer. Funny thing was...HE was more her type than I was...I just didn't realize it. HE actually saved me from a possible disaster.

[Apolodor]

But, OP, what ARE her responsibilities that she's apparently absolving herself from in your opinion? She merely said she is in her affair situation because it fulfils her needs and wants. She was answering your initial question of why a single woman would have a relationship with a married man.

 

I also notice in your original post, you say "happily married men". TRULY happily married men are not OPEN to being with anyone else.

 

How about the wife of the scumbag with whom she is cheating?? Would you like to be in her shoes? ... I didn't think so! Going for other people's spouses and having no respect for someone else's home is despicable and reflects a high degree of selfishness.

 

It does not take a bad marriage for a man to cheat on his wife. You're deluding yourself claiming that truly happy men are not open to clandestine relationships. It has more to do with the (lack of) character of the husband. Biological instincts of any normal healthy male would urge him to have intercourse with any willing attractive female. It is the moral values and the character of the person which help him make a better decision.

[Got it]

How about the wife of the scumbag with whom she is cheating?? Would you like to be in her shoes? ... I didn't think so! Going for other people's spouses and having no respect for someone else's home is despicable and reflects a high degree of selfishness.

 

It does not take a bad marriage for a man to cheat on his wife. You're deluding yourself claiming that truly happy men are not open to clandestine relationships. It has more to do with the (lack of) character of the husband. Biological instincts of any normal healthy male would urge him to have intercourse with any willing attractive female. It is the moral values and the character of the person which help him make a better decision.

 

Ahhh, I forgot, the biological excuse for men and the female's responsibility to keep him on the straight and narrow. No wonder you are so mad at her. Apparently not doing her job. Got it.

[stevie_23]

That's not true - at all. The M may be quite happy, but the man/woman who cheats isn't happy with themselves so they have this huge, gaping black hole of an ego that needs to be fed. That isn't the fault of the M.

 

I didn't say men in a truly happy MARRIAGE are not open to cheating, I said truly happily married MEN are not open to cheating.

 

By definition, that is a married man who is truly happy is not open to cheating. I didn't mention any fault with the marriage. I didn't state the marriage was the source of any unhappiness in the married man. The unhappiness lies with the man who happens to be married, being more open to being with someone else, as opposed to a truly happy man who is married who will not be open to being with someone else.

[stevie_23]

How about the wife of the scumbag with whom she is cheating?? Would you like to be in her shoes? ... I didn't think so! Going for other people's spouses and having no respect for someone else's home is despicable and reflects a high degree of selfishness.

 

It does not take a bad marriage for a man to cheat on his wife. You're deluding yourself claiming that truly happy men are not open to clandestine relationships. It has more to do with the (lack of) character of the husband. Biological instincts of any normal healthy male would urge him to have intercourse with any willing attractive female. It is the moral values and the character of the person which help him make a better decision.

 

So all men are open to cheating because of biological instinct? What about the very high percentage of gay men who sleep with other men while in relationships? Hmm? No chance of procreation there!

Edited March 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LFH]

Thanks for your ppost, I understand what you are saying. We all make mistakes and then regret it, that's well understood. However, when people keep persevering in their "mistakes" it is very difficult to rationalise their behaviour.

Because they don't necessarily view it as a mistake and it's not up to you to come up with a rationalization for it. What part of It's None Of YOUR business are you having trouble grasping?

 

Thanks for your post, I understand what you are saying. We all make mistakes and then regret it, that's well understood. However, when people keep persevering in their "mistakes" it is very difficult to rationalise their behaviour. This woman has been in this f**k buddy type of relationship before I started working with her (that's more than half a year....)

You're repeating yourself. So maybe this type of relationship works for her, and you aren't privvy to why. That's HER business, not yours. You are making it yours because you want her and she isn't interested in you.

 

I can't talk with her in private anymore, because she refuses. She knows that she does not have to explain her actions and keeps ignoring my phone calls/texts. At work, when other people are around, she acts normally. However, when no one is around she goes as far as walking in a different direction just to avoid me talking to her + she refuses any form of acknowledgement.

 

The reasons I posted are

1). to vent (I already feel better....)

2). to get some perspective from women who have been in this no-future, f**k-buddy type of relationship. I confess I still don't understand the reasons any attractive female would debase herself in this way. Well, I guess, to each his own.

3). to get some form of closure -- seeing her everyday drives me crazy.

 

Thanks anyway for your help.

 

So she finds you incredibly creepy.

You've managed to insinuate yourself in her business so far that she goes out of her way to avoid you and you think she's the one with a problem?

And maybe she doesn't see it as a no-future f**k buddy type of relationship. That's how YOU see it. And again I state that the reasons ANYONE choses this, are up to them. Your condescension and vitrol oozes from your posts.

 

Perhaps it's time for you to consider a new job.

[Apolodor]

LFH, your posts are not really helpful. If I wanted the kind of "insight" you are providing, I would have asked my mother..... I know very well that it's not my business to hold people accountable for their actions, but you are missing the fact that I care for this person and right now I am bleeding through every pore of my skin. Also, FYI, when I started developing feelings for this woman I was not aware that she was f**king the MM. I was all over my head into her when I realised that. After I had tried to ask her out for a coffee (smthg very casual) and she turned me down, it just happened that I caught the two of them using the showers in the lunch break for having sex. It is the irony of life who slapped her on the face, because her refusal to go out with me was justified on grounds that the company has strict fraternisation rules (she said "it wouldn't be best to be seen together outside work"). She now avoids me because I know her dirty secret and the fact that I lost my respect for her (and I don't have any problem letting that show on my face).

 

Thanks for your advice to quit my job, but I don't think I'll do that any time soon. I'll not ever allow any stupid woman to take the power away from me, because they can only do that if I give it to them. I made a mistake and I accept all the grief I brought upon myself. Next time I'll open up my eyes and avoid making the same mistakes again. There is a whole world of opportunities out there which I am not going to miss

out because of some emotionally f**ked up sleazy woman!