jealous/possessive OM?

[psm04]

What does it mean when the MOM gets jealous/overly attached when the person he has an EA (and some physical too) with is going out somewhere without him or her H, or has innocent conversations with other men? This guy and I have had this happen so many times, and each time, he tells me that he reacts this way because of how deep his feelings are and how much he cares about me, etc, but I'm getting really annoyed. This is the same guy who has also told me how much he loves his wife, and that he's not leaving, etc. (and then says later on that his wife is a bitch, and that his kids are the reason why he cannot leave), but each time I've gone somewhere or interacted with someone, he suddenly becomes way more interested in me and what I have to say and starts making himself more available to me. He almost sees it as if I'm a single woman, although I'm not. Can men really not tell that we see through this pattern? He wants to talk to me tonight, but I'm really thinking of saying that I cannot, and that I shouldn't, based on how I'm feeling right now. This behavior is actually creeping me out a little, to the point of not even wanting to have a friendly relationship with him. Maybe because my ex used to be very possessive and controlling. What's funnier is that he doesn't ever get jealous (doesn't display it anyway) if I'm going somewhere or doing something with my H. I don't get it.. Has anyone else had this experience?

 

Btw, the M OM and I have never had sex. It was/is mostly an EA, with some making out, and I'm trying to end it completely (his behavior right now actually helps with that). And neither one of us has had an A before, or wanted to. It just kind of happened after a few months of talking at work. Lately, I've been lessening the talking, but I'm going on a trip to see a friend, and that's what has triggered the latest series of events.

 

I probably sound like a mess, and I apologize! I wish every day that I could take the last two years back, so that I don't have to deal with all this mess that I helped create. At least that way, I'd just be in a semi-boring marriage without passion, rather than that plus drama with someone else.

[threelaurels]

What does it mean when the MOM gets jealous/overly attached when the person he has an EA (and some physical too) with is going out somewhere without him or her H, or has innocent conversations with other men? This guy and I have had this happen so many times, and each time, he tells me that he reacts this way because of how deep his feelings are and how much he cares about me, etc, but I'm getting really annoyed. This is the same guy who has also told me how much he loves his wife, and that he's not leaving, etc. (and then says later on that his wife is a bitch, and that his kids are the reason why he cannot leave), but each time I've gone somewhere or interacted with someone, he suddenly becomes way more interested in me and what I have to say and starts making himself more available to me. He almost sees it as if I'm a single woman, although I'm not. Can men really not tell that we see through this pattern? He wants to talk to me tonight, but I'm really thinking of saying that I cannot, and that I shouldn't, based on how I'm feeling right now. This behavior is actually creeping me out a little, to the point of not even wanting to have a friendly relationship with him. Maybe because my ex used to be very possessive and controlling. What's funnier is that he doesn't ever get jealous (doesn't display it anyway) if I'm going somewhere or doing something with my H. I don't get it.. Has anyone else had this experience?

 

Btw, the M OM and I have never had sex. It was/is mostly an EA, with some making out, and I'm trying to end it completely (his behavior right now actually helps with that). And neither one of us has had an A before, or wanted to. It just kind of happened after a few months of talking at work. Lately, I've been lessening the talking, but I'm going on a trip to see a friend, and that's what has triggered the latest series of events.

 

I probably sound like a mess, and I apologize! I wish every day that I could take the last two years back, so that I don't have to deal with all this mess that I helped create. At least that way, I'd just be in a semi-boring marriage without passion, rather than that plus drama with someone else.

 

It means that he is controlling. It has nothing to do with the fact that he is an OM. This behavior is a big red flag, and you need to leave before it escalates into emotional and/or physical abuse.

 

Edit: I should make it clear that jealousy can be healthy and normal. The fact that this behavior is creeping you out is what is concerning. It suggests that his jealousy has crossed the line of what is normal in relationships. He is also manipulating you with his behavior (i.e. becoming more interested in you when you start to pull away). Listen to your gut.

Edited February 27, 2013 by threelaurels

[spice4life]

I've seen this happen on here before and you have to decide if being treated like that is something you're willing to tolerate. I for one would not. It's a cycle that happens when they feel threatened and due to their own circumstances they feel powerless because they don't really have a right to act that way. It's a cycle and here's one example I've read here recently - They demand exclusivity, say they "accidentally" slept with their spouse (or something similar), try to make you feel guilty (when you're not even doing anything wrong) and THEN they pull a switch and turn it on you by playing the role of the victim saying you don't care about them. Narcissist act like this too...lol.

 

Personally, I am at a point in my life where this type of behavior is silly and would walk away and not allow it. Why tolerate it? You've got better things to do...right? I mean seriously, if they can't be authentic and honest then leave instead of putting someone through such craziness.

Edited February 27, 2013 by spice4life

[psm04]

The fact that this behavior is creeping you out is what is concerning. It suggests that his jealousy has crossed the line of what is normal in relationships. He is also manipulating you with his behavior (i.e. becoming more interested in you when you start to pull away). Listen to your gut.

 

You are right, jealousy is healthy, depending on the situation. Maybe 'creeping me out' wasn't the right thing to say. It's just a little disturbing. I wouldn't feel this way if this came from someone who is actually with me (my H, or someone I was in a relationship with). But he has a wife, who he doesn't plan to leave, and it upsets me that he acts this way, when he has crushed my feelings so many times with his words and actions in the past.

[psm04]

I've seen this happen on here before and you have to decide if being treated like that is something you're willing to tolerate. I for one would not. It's a cycle that happens when they feel threatened and due to their own circumstances they feel powerless because they don't really have a right to act that way. It's a cycle and here's one example I've read here recently - They demand exclusivity, say they "accidentally" slept with their spouse (or something similar), try to make you feel guilty (when you're not even doing anything wrong) and THEN they pull a switch and turn it on you by playing the role of the victim saying you don't care about them. Narcissist act like this too...lol.

 

Personally, I am at a point in my life where this type of behavior is silly and would walk away and not allow it. Why tolerate it? You've got better things to do...right? I mean seriously, if they can't be authentic and honest then leave instead of putting someone through such craziness.

 

Yes, I'm getting a little sick of being treated this way. Yes, being in an affair means that you are giving the other person reasons to not trust you, since you are breaking your spouse's trust to do what you do with them, but we've known each other for two years, and I've never given him reason to doubt anything. He even flat out asked me one time if I slept with another co-worker. He comes back later and apologized for asking me that, but this has been happening one too many times. I've never acted this way towards him. Funny thing is, I don't know his number, I don't know his address, I don't know anything. He's paranoid and protective of his stuff, and still acts like I belong to him or something in these situations. Again, he doesn't do this when it comes to me and my H. Go figure!

[2sure]

Ask him if he would be upset if he caught his wife cheating.

 

He wants two women to be exclusive to him. That's what it means.

[psm04]

Ask him if he would be upset if he caught his wife cheating.

 

He wants two women to be exclusive to him. That's what it means.

 

I remember him telling me about a year and a half ago that he wouldn't mind if his wife messed around on him a bit, as long as they can be parents together to their children. Of course, that's probably not how he would feel for real if it happened.

[psm04]

So, should I be talking to him tonight, or no? I'm pretty sure I shouldn't, but I just want someone to tell me how bad it would be to do it! I've always made myself available to him to talk, and with this specific situation, I know that it probably won't be a good conversation, and I'm going to say things out of anger. I am thinking of emailing him and telling him that I wouldn't be available to talk tonight, and that I probably shouldn't be talking to him in general anyway.

[spice4life]

No, you should tell him your not available. Why not just tell him that you want work on your marriage and that means you cannot have any contact with him? That would be your easiest way out because he can't argue with that.