When the MM won't let go...

[myname]

What can I do?

 

He looks up on the internet where a group I belong to will be, and he's let me know he's thinking of going to where I will be (and with his wife). He says if she sees me she will physically go for me. He says he needs to see where I am and what I'm doing. He says I will never be able to live in isolation from him even if we're not seeing each other...

 

This does not make any sense to me, but I do not know what I can do to make my situation better.

[Decorative]

What can I do?

 

He looks up on the internet where a group I belong to will be, and he's let me know he's thinking of going to where I will be (and with his wife). He says if she sees me she will physically go for me. He says he needs to see where I am and what I'm doing. He says I will never be able to live in isolation from him even if we're not seeing each other...

 

This does not make any sense to me, but I do not know what I can do to make my situation better.

 

Get a restraining order.

[TaraMaiden]

Ignore him, block him, delete all possible avenues of contact.

If he keeps contacting you, advise his wife, and take out a restraining order.

[myname]

Get a restraining order.

 

That's quite extreme though isn't it? And I am not sure that it would not make him worse. I also have tried to reason with him, so don't know how much weight I will have to get that when I have also been in contact with him.

[myname]

Ignore him, block him, delete all possible avenues of contact.

If he keeps contacting you, advise his wife, and take out a restraining order.

 

Ignoring, blocking and deleting not possible as he does work for where I work and can contact me there.

 

Advising wife wouldn't help, she knows and blames me.

 

Taking out a restraining order would make him angry and also I don't know if I have a leg to stand on there as I have replied to his contact.

[threelaurels]

That's quite extreme though isn't it? And I am not sure that it would not make him worse. I also have tried to reason with him, so don't know how much weight I will have to get that when I have also been in contact with him.

 

Tell him that he is not to contact you ever again or you will contact the police and file for a restraining order. If he does, file for it. Don't go back on your word.

 

He can be angry all he wants, but he can't contact you without risking going to jail. If you want him out of your life, you need to be proactive.

[Decorative]

That's quite extreme though isn't it? And I am not sure that it would not make him worse. I also have tried to reason with him, so don't know how much weight I will have to get that when I have also been in contact with him.

 

No. If he is making threats- and harassing you, and you have blocked him in a reasonable fashion- then it's not too extreme.

 

Don't reason with him.

 

Don't talk to him.

 

No contact.

[TaraMaiden]

That's quite extreme though isn't it? And I am not sure that it would not make him worse. I also have tried to reason with him, so don't know how much weight I will have to get that when I have also been in contact with him.

 

Jeezuskerrist!! he is threatening to bring his wife to you and he states that if she sees you she will flatten you - he is harassing you and attempting to make your life a misery - and you keep coming up with objections - ?!

 

WHY ASK - ?!

 

You need to change your job, and put as much distance between you and him as possible. And as bentnotbroken advises, seek legal counsel.

 

This is affecting your life in a noxious and nasty way.

Get a grip, take control and do something about it!!

[psm04]

 

He says I will never be able to live in isolation from him even if we're not seeing each other...

 

This sounds scary as hell! You need to get away from him, and make sure that you limit any public information about you online as possible. When my M OM told me that he had googled my name before, and looked at my pictures, at first, it was flattering (i know, stupid), but after a while, when he started exhibiting some strange behavior, and I realized that I needed to try to end things, I basically locked down privacy settings on any site that I was a member of, and then googled myself to see what the public would see about me.

[myname]

Jeezuskerrist!! he is threatening to bring his wife to you and he states that if she sees you she will flatten you - he is harassing you and attempting to make your life a misery - and you keep coming up with objections - ?!

 

WHY ASK - ?!

 

You need to change your job, and put as much distance between you and him as possible. And as bentnotbroken advises, seek legal counsel.

 

This is affecting your life in a noxious and nasty way.

Get a grip, take control and do something about it!!

 

I can't just leave my job, I need to have another job to go to and it's not that easy to just get one. I have a mortgage to pay.

 

I can't just disappear without putting myself in another difficult horrible situation.

 

This is impossible. I'm not objecting to your suggestions but it seems like all I could do would be leave my job, move house and change my name! Is that not really a bit too much to have to do?

[myname]

This sounds scary as hell! You need to get away from him, and make sure that you limit any public information about you online as possible. When my M OM told me that he had googled my name before, and looked at my pictures, at first, it was flattering (i know, stupid), but after a while, when he started exhibiting some strange behavior, and I realized that I needed to try to end things, I basically locked down privacy settings on any site that I was a member of, and then googled myself to see what the public would see about me.

 

My facebook is locked down and he's not a friend. There's public information on a group I belong to and do social things with.

 

So I need to leave the group and stop doing things with my friends there, again it's a lot to lose and in some ways has he not won if I have to walk away from my social life, job etc because of this.

[TaraMaiden]

Ask to change your extension at work, and do not accept any calls from male callers outside the building...

 

You came here asking for advice, yet everything we have put forward you claim is unworkable or unreasonable.

 

There comes a time when you have to fight the impossible with every means at your disposal.

If that means taking drastic action and doing things which make you go outside your comfort zone, then that's the way it is.

 

Seek legal help, seek support at work.

 

You don't have to do this on your own - but you must do something.

[spice4life]

My facebook is locked down and he's not a friend. There's public information on a group I belong to and do social things with.

 

So I need to leave the group and stop doing things with my friends there, again it's a lot to lose and in some ways has he not won if I have to walk away from my social life, job etc because of this.

 

You don't have to leave your job or your social group at all. You have friends right? Just come clean with them and people you trust at work and ask them to help protect you. You don't have tolerate harrassment.

[TaraMaiden]

The fact that you have stonewalled suggestions tell me that this has weakened you, to the point that you can't think straight, or that it's all hopeless.

 

However, the fact that you've asked at all, is encouraging.

 

Now do some of the things we have suggested.

 

I don't know how things are with you at work, but advise anyone in authority that you have a problem with this guy and that you need help and support in eradicating the nuisance he creates.

 

Tell your 'group' that this guy spells trouble.

They too may be able to afford you some protection and privacy.

Consult someone legal.

Ask what you can do.

 

Be pro-active.

We can all suggest, but the impetus to actually take control of this, is up to you.

[Decorative]

I can't just leave my job, I need to have another job to go to and it's not that easy to just get one. I have a mortgage to pay.

 

I can't just disappear without putting myself in another difficult horrible situation.

 

This is impossible. I'm not objecting to your suggestions but it seems like all I could do would be leave my job, move house and change my name! Is that not really a bit too much to have to do?

 

Gently, when you participate in a situation with a man who is unstable enough to be deceptive enough to participate in an affair, there are consequences.

 

You've gotten some excellent suggestions- I hope something helps.

[psm04]

My facebook is locked down and he's not a friend. There's public information on a group I belong to and do social things with.

 

So I need to leave the group and stop doing things with my friends there, again it's a lot to lose and in some ways has he not won if I have to walk away from my social life, job etc because of this.

 

No, you don't have to leave the group. What I was saying was, try to see whether the information about this group can be made visible only to group members or something like that. You can explain to the group administrator your situation, and I'd think that most people would be happy to help you out with this. Also, you can still be involved in the group activities without posting information on whether you'll be going or not (maybe send a private message to the event coordinator and let them know you'll be going). I do not know whether all of this is possible, so I'm just throwing out suggestions :-)

[myname]

My workplace is small, I don't know how much support I could get, frankly I fear that if I bring this to my bosses attention I will be lose my job.

 

You do all make it sound simple, but really it is not that easy. It is not a matter of stepping out of my comfort zone, it does seem like the only real way is to give up on everything I have because I cannot get away from him easily and stay in my job, or in my social group or even potentially in my home.

 

And yes the thought of leaving all that is scary and depressing and makes me feel angry. And I don't want to have to do that, it doesn't seem fair.

 

I am at a loss of what I can do and still stay somewhat safe.

[myname]

No, you don't have to leave the group. What I was saying was, try to see whether the information about this group can be made visible only to group members or something like that. You can explain to the group administrator your situation, and I'd think that most people would be happy to help you out with this. Also, you can still be involved in the group activities without posting information on whether you'll be going or not (maybe send a private message to the event coordinator and let them know you'll be going). I do not know whether all of this is possible, so I'm just throwing out suggestions :-)

 

The group works by being visible to the public, it is not possible to get them to lock it down to members. And I never post that I am or am not going to anything publicly.

[myname]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to ask for advice and then turn it all down.

 

I am just at the end of my tether and unable to deal with it all. Maybe I should've really just posted a rant cos I can't see a way out of this at the moment.

[wisernow]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to ask for advice and then turn it all down.

 

I am just at the end of my tether and unable to deal with it all. Maybe I should've really just posted a rant cos I can't see a way out of this at the moment.

 

As far as your FB group thing. The group could be made private, as in only the people who are members can see the page, and any new members would have to be approved. Just have the owner of the group shut down the privacy. Easy.

[TaraMaiden]

A 'rant' would have got you precisely the same results.

 

These responses.

 

"You" can't see a way out - but we've shown you several.

 

Tell me, are you actually going to try any of them?

[Decorative]

My workplace is small, I don't know how much support I could get, frankly I fear that if I bring this to my bosses attention I will be lose my job.

 

You do all make it sound simple, but really it is not that easy. It is not a matter of stepping out of my comfort zone, it does seem like the only real way is to give up on everything I have because I cannot get away from him easily and stay in my job, or in my social group or even potentially in my home.

 

And yes the thought of leaving all that is scary and depressing and makes me feel angry. And I don't want to have to do that, it doesn't seem fair.

 

I am at a loss of what I can do and still stay somewhat safe.

 

Contacting an attorney will help you feel more empowered. You'll hear what resources are available to you, and maybe a plan will be clearer.

 

There's nothing fair about any of this.

[spice4life]

Can you provide more details then? What does this man have over you that he can get away with terrorizing you without you having any options to protect youself. It's hard to provide advice when your leaving out details that will help us understand. No one should have live in terror like that.

Edited February 28, 2013 by spice4life