I know ive been a jerk, but does it constitute this?

[firefly75]

Alright, this will be a full-disclosure post, so it will belong-winded. I apologize in advance.

 

Let me start off with the fact that I know I've done some ass-holey things in my relationship. (Hell, ive listed them here for the tar and feathering that is sure to ensue). Ive made mistakes, but no matter how I appear in this post, I respect and adore the hell out of my man and I know he respects and adores me too. We have a really good relationship overall; we've been together for a year, but have known one another for four. He's my best friend and I love him.

 

Here's where I am... I will list my own 'faults' inthis relationship so as not to try and appear perfect. By no means do I claim to be a saint, but I do try my damndest to be good to him, and most people who know us would agree that I do a decent job of it. Let it be known that he also treats me very well. I am not trying to take that away by this post. Not at all.

 

Okay, where to start...

 

First thing first. He has 'trust issues'. Big time. I have contributed to these issues in ways I will explain later. Being a little on the heavy side, and thinking that I am oh-so beautiful, he is also insecure. I have spent months (and will continue however long it takes; he's worth it) trying to convince him there is no reason for him to be, to no avail. He is a great catch, minus the controlling/insecure things that have been flaring up as of late.

 

I will start from the beginning just to try and keepthings clear.

 

About two weeks into our official relationship, my bf wentthrough my facebook messages (with my permission; I didn't think there wasanything for him to be angry about). He saw a message between me and my (married) friend of 10 years (I will call him F). Amongst years of messages, my bf happened upon one sentence in which F 100% jokingly said something about he, his wife, and I having a threesome. Nowhere else in all of those years of messages was there anything even kind of suggesting that F and I held inappropriate conversations. Anyway, It ticked my bf off, we discussed it to no end, and he dropped it eventually though he still brings it up.

 

We’ll come back to F, but to keep a timeline of sorts, I have to enter this incident here. After being single and not dating for a year, I registered and was actively on a dating website before my bf and I started dating. Somewhere at week two or three in, my bf asked if I was still on the website and I replied no. He searched for my profile and found it still there, and felt that I lied to him. I was not actively on the site. Yes, it was there, but I was too busy falling in love with my best friend to give two ****s about that site. Well, after discussing it to death, and him finally forgiving me for ‘lying’, he asked me if there were any more. I couldn't think of any at the time, so I said no. He went on to use a combo of digging through myphone and his military intelligence background to track down every website I had ever registered on throughout all of my internet history (about 11 years worth), and ended up finding another dating website (or two or three, who really knows. I never went to them after registering, or on any dates from them), and insists that I blatantly lied to him. I did not. Not intentionally, anyway. This 'liar' label causes constant stress on our relationship. I am totally faithful to my man, and have zero desire to find anyone else. I do not lie to him for sport; that’s not my idea of communication, and we do communicate well when I can stay calm amidst his accusations and endless questioning.

 

Continuing with the F story...At about a month and a half into our relationship, my bf and I went to a gathering. F was at the gathering, and I invited him to sit with me and my bf. F, being a huggy-type of person, put his arm around the back of my chair. This made myself and my boyfriend both uncomfortable. I should have, but didn't, say anything at first because I hate awkwardness and confrontation, but about 15 minutes later my bf walked away and I was able to tell F that my bf and I were now togethertogether, and that his arm around me (no matter how innocent it was) probably wasn't in anyone's best interest. Again, the bf got over it, but still brings it up often.

 

Closing up the F chapter... At about month four o rfive, my bf had broke up with me (its a recurring theme). I chatted with F on facebook and told him that my bf broke up with me and why. He extended an invite to go have coffee and go to the range, which I agreed to at first, but after me and my bf got back together decided was best not happening. My boyfriend ended up going through my phone while I was in the bathroom, saw the invite, and flipped out. Coupling the threesome comment, the arm incident, and now an invite, I get it, but there really wasn't any reason for my bf to be worried. Besides, had he not gone through my private messages he never would have known about the coffee invite. Mind you, I never would have gone either. Of course, me and my bf ended up reconciling, and I messaged F that I didn’t want to disrespect my man by going to coffee with him.

 

He responded that my bf was being insecure, and once he realized that part of what makes me, me, is that I am loyal, or I got tired of my bf’s insecure/jealous/controlling ways and left, he would be happy to buy me a cup of coffee. I ended up having to share this email with my bf, who was not happy that F had called him insecure, and forbade our friendship. I refused to delete him off of facebook not knowing whether or not my bf would be with me the next month, much less the next year. I didn’t want to look like an ******* for dumping a friend for someone who ended up dumping me! Needless to say, that was cause for constant fights, so I eventually just deleted my facebook account to avoid it altogether. I told F that I was going to try to work things out with my bf, and that I wouldn’t be in touch. He understood and acknowledged my loyalty again. My bf doesn’t think I acted quickly enough, and thinks that me not doing so was disrespectful. This is brought up monthly at least.

 

Moving on to the next chapter. UGH. This is the ugly one. Mybf and I were introduced by an at-the-time mutual friend I will refer toas SH (**** head). SH ended up being a jerkface that lied tome about my bf and vice versa. It was determined that neither my bfnor I would be in contact with SH, even though I had known SH for a few years(we messed around one time when I had way too much to drink, but never wentall-the-way), and my bf had known him much longer than that (long-time familyfriend). At about month two, I went to work at bar (much to my bf'schagrin, but he allowed it), and SH showed up. I texted my bf to let himknow that he did, but the message failed to send and I hadn't realizeduntil I went to show my bf the text in my phone a couple of dayslater. Much to my chagrin, It had deleted itself. Ohhhh, the irony, lol.Anyway, while SH was there I asked him why he told my bf these awful thingsabout me, he claimed he didn't, and I moved on with myday. They weren’t true, so I wasn’t going to spend any more time on SH, hehad already had taken up too much time in my relationship. Anyway, when I wentto leave, SH was leaving at the same time and we walked out together. Myboyfriend was in the parking lot. He took SH's and my interaction as flirting.I get it, but it wasn't, and there was no way in hell I would have allowedanything to happen. There was no kissing or anything like that, but wewere too close in proximity (hindsight being what it is). Huge mistake on mypart, and nothing like that has happened again since. Ive apologized countlesstimes for that day, but as you can imagine, it is brought up often.

 

Final disclosure. AKA the latest atrocity ive committed. Iwas on craiglist looking for another job (I bartend in a high-volume musicvenue; my bf HATES it because he thinks I spend my time flirting with any andeveryone. Ridiculous because A: I am committed to my man, and B: any givenperson is only in front of me for a minute and a half). While looking forplaces to apply to, I clicked on the 'activities' section. My bf and I had justwatched a movie about a guy who lived for a month strictly off of postings oncraigslist. I had never been to that section before or since. Anyway, while inthe 'activities' section I saw a post from a girl who had recently moved to myarea and was a homeschooler looking for someone to chat with. I respondedbecause I am also a homeschooler. We messaged back and forth a couple of times,but never actually met, and the friendship never grew (she ended up being a bitweird, go figure). My bf asked me how I knew the girl and I blatantly lied. Iwas totally in the wrong, I am well aware, but I did so to avoid the barrage ofquestions and accusations I knew would follow. I apologized profusely - imstill apologizing.

 

Which leads me to why I am here.

 

I had an epiphany today that I may be dating a controllingman (after yet another argument over his jealousy). Actually, I know I am, butI am so head-over-heels for this guy, I am hoping to find a solution.

 

Okay, here goes...

 

My bf goes through these mood swings ranging from showeringme with affection, making me gifts, cooking for me, and hourly 'Ilove you's; to accusations, breaking up with me, not talking tome, and withholding affection.

 

He is insanely jealous and has this fear that im goingto cheat/disrespect/run off/etc, and as a result constructs all types ofstories in his head that he convinces himself are true. I know, I know; I havecontributed, but I am also realllly freakin good to him, I have apologized,we’ve talked and talked and talked about his fears and my mistakes, and ivecorrected my behavior to more suit this relationship where necessary.I want nothing more than for him to be able to move on from the previoushiccups and just be happy with what we have now.

 

He will ask me 75 questions, 88 different ways, about themost mundane of things... where ive been, what I was doing, why do I have dirton my car, why didn't I say I ran into so-and-so at the grocery store, and whydid I go there to shop; why did my friend call me, why did I call my friend,what did we talk about, why did I take such a long walk, where was I really,and so on...

 

He has gone through my phone, my trash, my email, my car,and facebook (even before the incidences mentioned above. Again, Iknow I am not without fault, but I try so hard daily to show him how sorry I amfor my wrongdoings, and how much he means to me). I don't have anything to hide,and I want to be an open book for him; Im not cheating, I wont cheat, but it'sa fight every time he does these things, and I have to endure a never-endinginterrogation about trivial crap. Its exhausting.

 

When he gets in these moods, I am never 'enough'. Idon't love him enough, I don't respect him enough, my reasoning behindwhatever-it-may-be 'doesn't add up', I didn't call soon enough, I don't shareenough. I am constantly on the defense. It never ends.

 

Im frustrated. I love the hell out of my man; heloves me too, but his insecurities and controlling ways are killing me. Irealize I have made mistakes. They’re listed here for all to attack mefor. These mistakes, minus the lying one, all occurred within the firstcouple of months of being together. Its almost been a year now. Ive apologizedand have not made the same sort of mistakes again, but he continues to bringthem up. Not once has an 'im sorry' been accepted and allowed us to move onfrom an incident. Not once.

 

I know this post is long. I don’t expect anyone to respond,much less what it is I think I want to hear. It was good to vent though, so thanksfor that.

Edited February 27, 2013 by firefly75

[TaserTag]

The thing that disturbs me most about this post is that you keep saying you've done bad things and you expect people to attack you. I don't see where you've done anything wrong, and the only person attacking you is your boyfriend.

 

Your boyfriend makes up things that you did wrong, and then you feel awful for these imaginary things that he has created for you. It's not like you've actually done things. He does not trust you at all, and there's no reason for his mistrust that I'm seeing. Nothing you do is going to make a difference with him. You can be on your 'best behavior' and he will make up something.

 

I agree with your friend, your boyfriend seems to be incredibly insecure (and, I'll add, abusive) and I don't think he's even seeing the real you at all. He sees an imaginary you that he can fight with and put down.

 

I've done a lot of work with battered women and been in a lot of abuse groups, and your boyfriend is frightening. He needs to be in therapy for his issues and you should probably get some support & counseling after living under his abuse. At the very least, he is verbally and emotionally abusive, and it would not shock me if he turned out to be violent. Control is not love.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely agree, and would have posted similar; TaserTag said it much better than I.

 

This is a bad situation for you to be in.

 

While you still have a sensible head on your shoulders, give up and get out - NOW.

[firefly75]

Thank you for the responses!

 

I don't want to make it out to seem as if he is threatening me in any way; he's not. I know the potential is there with a controlling man, and I know love can be blind, but I don't think he would ever lay his hands on me.

 

Ive been in seriously abusive relationships (one actually resulted in me being shot!). I went to some counseling, but could probably use more, for sure, but overall I have a good head on my shoulders, and I would not put up with abuse again. Or would I?? Which brings me to the fact that this must be a different form of abuse than ive ever experienced, if it is indeed abuse. What is it? Emotional abuse?

 

That is saddening to realize. We are so compatible, we have a ton of fun together, he is great with my kids and they are never aware of the problems between he and I, he is a great communicator and acknowledges when he messes up. Things are generally really good. But the fact that he cant see that he is unable to ever let anything go, and that he constantly brings up even the smallest of infractions again and again is just frustrating the heck out of me.

 

Is it possible for a controlling/insecure man to change his ways? He is making great efforts to lose weight to gain self esteem, and acknowledges that he has a problem with the way he thinks about me. He tries to talk with me about how he feels and why, and he does listen and most certainly makes changes to his (re)actions when I manage to find the right words. He does want to go to counseling.

 

Is it worth the effort, or, in my position, would you just hightail it and never look back?

[veggirl]

Agreed with the others, I kept waiting for your awful behavior and it never came. Your boyfriend is PSYCHO. going through your TRASH?! he has issues, he will NEVER trust you and it's futile for you to try to gain his trust..

[TaraMaiden]

If he wants to go to counselling - ask him to arrange it.

 

 

ASLTW.

 

(Actions Speak Louder Than Words.)

 

This IS emotional abuse. Which actually, is more insiduous than physical abuse, in a way.

 

I'm sorry to read that you were already subject to physical abuse and that it took such a serious turn. That must have been truly terrifying.

 

But Emotional abuse does its damage furtively, slowly, almost imperceptibly - until you become a shadow of your former self; nobody recognises you - It's almost like Gollum.... Once a hobbit, but destroyed by the very thing he loved, and reduced to an ugly caricature of what he once was.....

 

Abusers are absolutely charming and wonderful people. They often have a wide circle of friends, and are popular and can be gregarious.

They will get your defences down....

 

If he truly wishes to see a transformation in how he treats you, let him put his money where his mouth is.

If he wants counselling - suggest he book it and start things rolling.....

[TaraMaiden]

I just sat and again, read your post, very carefully.

 

Twice.

 

I take it back.

 

You need to leave.

 

You see, he has a problem;

 

And finding the original cause of that problem, may take years.,

Then, actually implementing a solution to that problem, may take years more.

 

Honey - you don't want to work that hard.

 

Trust me.

 

He will never seek counselling off his own back.

I bet if you were to book it for him, he would either cancel, or do one session, then bail.

 

If you've been in abusive relationships before, find a way of not repepating the pattern.

 

You might be seeking 'birds with broken wings'.

 

You can't fix 'em, no matter how good your intentions.

 

This one is a dud.

[TaserTag]

There's a lot that I want to say, and I hope that this does not come off too harsh, because I am seriously worried for you.

 

You need to recognize what he's doing for what it is. He is making you feel bad about yourself (which is why you keep saying that you've done something wrong when you haven't) and he is not, as you say, a good communicator. Someone who communicates well with others would not go through your garbage, make up things to fight over, and regularly employ the silent treatment as a way of control.

 

You say that he isn't threatening you in any way, but he is. He controls you & threatens you with all of the things that you mention - "My bf goes through these mood swings ranging from showeringme with affection, making me gifts, cooking for me, and hourly 'Ilove you's; to accusations, breaking up with me, not talking tome, and withholding affection."

 

If you don't do what he wants and be perfect for him, he will swing to accusations, dumping you, giving you the silent treatment, and so on. He will 'punish' you. And you can never actually do 'what he wants' to begin with. He makes up problems and sets you up to fail. Then he'll come back later pretending to be as sweet as can be, cooking you dinner and everything, and acting like he forgives you. When you didn't do anything wrong in the first place.

 

You will never gain his trust and be okay, because he isn't functioning in reality.

 

If he wants to go to counseling, why isn't he there already? He clearly has needed it. And I hope that he doesn't mean couples counseling, because he has stuff he needs to work out that is just on him. And I so agree with TaraMaiden that he needs to set up the appointments himself and take responsibility for himself.

 

"Ive been in seriously abusive relationships (one actually resulted in me being shot!). I went to some counseling, but could probably use more, for sure, but overall I have a good head on my shoulders, and I would not put up with abuse again. Or would I?? Which brings me to the fact that this must be a different form of abuse than ive ever experienced, if it is indeed abuse. What is it? Emotional abuse?"

 

Yes, this is an abusive relationship. He goes through your things, makes you feel attacked, makes you feel exhausted, tries to control who you talk to, keeps you apologizing to him over nothing, punishes you for made up infractions, and on and on... He's emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, uses the scare tactics of silent treatment and sneaking around going through all of your things...

 

I'm sure that you don't want to hear it, but I would leave him immediately and not look back, especially since you have children. He will keep you on this emotional rollercoaster and I'm sure that your children notice it.

 

He has problems that you can't fix by being there for him (it's not working now and won't work in the future).. he is just going to break you down and make you feel bad, like he's doing...

[dasein]

I see fault on both sides here. He is over the top in the insecurity, surveillance and quizzing. In fact your work makes a relationship with such a person problematic from the get go. I don't see a bright longterm future here unless you suddenly decide to change work.

 

OTOH, there is some spin in your OP. You know these kinds of things irritate him, and sound committed to the relationship, yet you keep doing or rather "falling into" them when if you are willing to accept this guy warts and all, you should have been more diligent in avoiding these misunderstandings or move on to someone who isn't so insecure. There is lots of smoke when adding these trivial things together, and for any reasonable person, let alone someone with his faults, they would at least be wrinkling eyebrows and getting annoyed at some of it.

 

For example, when a guy puts his arm around you in front of your BF, GO to the BATHROOM, or MOVE away. Not that complicated. If there are people your SO is particularly sensitive about, DON'T allow yourself to be in a situation that looks flirty. Unless they are close, long time friends, AVOID them out of respect for your SO.

 

Up to you whether you will continue this relationship of course, but the brakes need to be put on the indiscriminate surveillance and you need to conduct yourself a little more thoughtfully should you continue. Good luck whatever you decide.

[firefly75]

daesin - thank you for your response. I hate that he is coming across as some crazy jerkface. I fully acknowledge that my actions in the beginning of my relationship may make some people furrow their brows, but now that I know he has these issues which could make him see my actions as careless, I am mindful not to put myself in situations he may be uncomfortable with. I bartend to allow for the homeschooling of my kids. Working 5 or 6 times a month I make what I would at a full-time job that I am qualified for (with a degree! UGH). And though I am in contact as much as one can be while at work, and despite the fact that I usually meet him immediately after I get off, he makes up scenarios about what it is while I am at work and gets almost panicky. I am actively seeking work in an environment that he should feel more comfortable with me being in, but I don't know that it will make a difference.

 

TaserTag - Thank you for your insight and taking the time to post. Unfortunately, your thoughts only serve to confirm what I was already beginning to think.

 

TaraMaiden - Your Gollum reference gave me chills. I spent a long time by myself between my last relationship and this one, just learning me; I plan to spend quite a bit more time as it would seem I haven't quite figured me out yet. Thank you for posting.

 

veggirl - thank you for saying im not awful. I was seriously beginning to believe otherwise.

 

For the record - He and I do not live together. We made a conscious decision in the beginning of our relationship that we would not bring any drama in front of my children, and we are very mindful to carry that pact out. I assure you all, the kids do not know of any rifts that occur between us. They, along with all of my other family and friends, adore him, and he returns the adoration.

[dasein]

Kudos to you for doing the home schooling. IMO it's a better option than the mass edu today, and many of my friends' children have benefitted from it. Good luck getting a well-paying job commensurate with your qualifications in the future. You sound like a thoughtful, patient partner, and I hope you two end up working these issues out.

[2sure]

You want it be your fault so you can fix it?

This is not a sustainable relationship. Even if you're both awful, your awful doesn't mix well.

[loversquarrel]

Your BF without a doubt has issues with control and trust. He is doing some things that are very much overboard, and if not abusive at the very least stifling.

A problem I see here is OCD, and some things you do may be triggering his feelings. Maybe more than a few bad past relationships?, Whatever the case I see it. It can be very destructive to everyday life, let alone relationships. Often times it goes hand in hand with high spikes in anxiety and depression. This would explain his "intrusive" thoughts that spin out of control, coupled with the following through of bizzarre behaviors to calm the anxiety. His acts of control are him actually losing control in himself. He knows this and he will need therapy and more than likely some medication to control his bouts of anxiety. I wouldn't doubt if he exhibits other odd behaviors.

[nofool4u]

You break up with bf and set him free. You move on and stay away from committed relationships until you are mature enough to honor for what they stand.

 

Your bf may be taking it over the top, but looks like he has good reason to be jealous and suspicious of you. So break it off. Something tells me you want to hook up with F anyway.

[Quiet Storm]

For some people, it only takes ONE lie, and they will never trust you again.

 

Your boyfriend is this type of person.

 

I can understand why a suspicious kind of person like him doesn't trust you. All of the "incidents" that happened are just further proof to him that you are an untrustworthy person (valid or not, that's his perception).

 

He is stuck in a bad spot because he probably really loves you, but he's scared. This is why he asks you all the questions, because he needs reassurance. He is insecure. Whether he was already insecure, or your actions have caused him to be insecure, doesn't really matter. What matters is that he does not have faith in your love for him. He does not believe that you respect him.

 

He is probably too blinded by his emotions to realize that this relationship is not going to work. His fear of losing you is overriding his logical mind, which should be saying "There's too much, I'm never going to trust her, and staying in this relationship is just hurting both of us. It's not fair for her to have to deal with my suspicisions and insecurities, and it's not fair to myself to stay with someone that I don't trust".

 

There are many relationships like this, and the dynamics are very hard to change. Many people think that because they love each other, they should stay together. But some issues are too big to overcome. You don't want to end up married with kids, and have your kids raised in a home where he is constantly grilling you about your daily wherabouts and calling you a liar.

 

Bottom line is that regardless of your love for each other, the dynamic in your relationship is not healthy.

 

You can't make him trust you. You may be able to get him to keep quiet about it and not constantly ask for reassurance, but that won't change his inner feelings, which are that you cannot be trusted. So you wil be less bothered, but he will be seething with resentment.

 

Sometimes it's just best to move on. Take this as a learning experience. For most men, honesty, loyalty and respect are HUGE. Don't tell lies. If you don't know or can't remember (like the old dating sites), then say "I can't remember". With the arm chair incident, he was probably waiting for you to say something to the guy, with him there, because he felt disrespected. You disappointed him, which just confirmed in his mind what he has already decided about you. Regardless of the validity of his assumptions, he feels what he feels, and it's killing your relationship.

 

You deserve to be in a relationship where you are trusted. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone that he trusts. Letting this go on is just prolonging this dance of dysfunction, IMO.

Edited February 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Chi townD]

Okay....you like the guy. We get it. But, how is this a relationship if you're constantly walking on eggshells around this guy? How is it fair that you feel like you're being interogated by him every so often? He goes through your phone, trash, Facebook, e-mails......crazy!

 

How many times have you gone through his stuff? How often do you get to sift through his phone? Maybe he's hiding something. Maybe he wants to find some dirt on you so he doesn't have to feel guilty about what he's doing?

 

Next time he asks to see your phone you say, "No"

 

If he says, what do you mean no. Just say, "No, I want to see your phone first, then you'll get to see mine." See what he does then.

 

If he gives you his phone, you should totally blow a text from a friend WAY out of proportion.

 

"What's this text from Steve asking if you want to play pool? Why does Steve want you to play with his stick? OH MY GOD!!! ARE YOU GAY!!!"

 

Him, "What?!?! NO!!!!!

 

You, " Oh, so you're Bi-sexual then, huh...."

 

Maybe he'll see how stupid he's acting. On a serious note. You REALLY need to talk to him. Communicate with him and suggest couples counseling, because his mistrust of you is getting out of hand. And if he doesn't get a handle on it, as nice of a guy as he is, I think you can only take so much...I mean, hell! You're on an advice forum. I think you're getting to the end of your rope. He's going to end up losing you.

 

This needs to be addressed and fixed.

[Quiet Storm]

Next time he asks to see your phone you say, "No"

 

If he says, what do you mean no. Just say, "No, I want to see your phone first, then you'll get to see mine." See what he does then.

 

If he gives you his phone, you should totally blow a text from a friend WAY out of proportion.

 

"What's this text from Steve asking if you want to play pool? Why does Steve want you to play with his stick? OH MY GOD!!! ARE YOU GAY!!!"

 

Him, "What?!?! NO!!!!!

 

You, " Oh, so you're Bi-sexual then, huh...."

 

Maybe he'll see how stupid he's acting. On a serious note. You REALLY need to talk to him. Communicate with him and suggest couples counseling, because his mistrust of you is getting out of hand. And if he doesn't get a handle on it, as nice of a guy as he is, I think you can only take so much...I mean, hell! You're on an advice forum. I think you're getting to the end of your rope. He's going to end up losing you.

 

See, I don't think game playing works. It's manipulative. It sets up a "tit for tat", competitive dynamic. He already doesn't trust her, and he will just feel manipulated if she tries to teach him a lesson. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Even if he keeps his mouth shut about it because he's scared of losing her, do you think he's going to genuinely trust her? My opinion is that he will just keep thinking these things, and end up resenting her more because he can't express his feelings about it. Her reassurance soothes him, even if he doesn't really believe it (until the next argument, anyways).

 

You can sustain a relationship for a long time without trust. The companionship, the sex, the good times can make the lack of trust seem unimportant, or just an annoyance. It will keep rearing its ugly head, though, because trust is the foundation of relationship.

 

I think OP is hoping she can change her boyfriend, and eventually prove to him that she is trustworthy. From the information that she provided, I doubt that is ever likely to happen. He seems like he is so afraid of being vulnerable, that he will never allow himself to let that guard down, regardless of evidence to the contrary. She could be an open book for the next five years, without any shady incidents, and he may still say to himself "Yeah, she's being good now, but I know what she is capable of".

 

I think OP deserves better than being judged like that. I say ask him " Do you ever see yourself trusting me again? If from this day forward, nothing happens to raise your suspicions, will your faith in me be restored?" See how he answers that question.

[nofool4u]

Okay....you like the guy. We get it. But, how is this a relationship if you're constantly walking on eggshells around this guy? How is it fair that you feel like you're being interogated by him every so often? He goes through your phone, trash, Facebook, e-mails......crazy!

 

Even OP admitted she has given him plenty of reason to lose trust in her.

 

 

Maybe he'll see how stupid he's acting.

 

I admit he is taking it over the top. And she is someone he can't trust because she has given him reason, then I'd tell him that is a relationship he doesn't need. If you can't trust someone for obvious reasons, leave them. Let them be someone elses problem.

 

 

On a serious note. You REALLY need to talk to him. Communicate with him and suggest couples counseling, because his mistrust of you is getting out of hand. And if he doesn't get a handle on it, as nice of a guy as he is, I think you can only take so much...I mean, hell! You're on an advice forum. I think you're getting to the end of your rope. He's going to end up losing you.

 

This needs to be addressed and fixed.

 

I agree, but before you jump his crap too much, remember, he is the way he is because, as she admitted, she gave him reason to not trust her.

 

Best way to avoid having to fix a car is not to total it in the first place.

[Chi townD]

I was trying to put a little levity in an absurd situation.

 

But, I'm not playing games when I think she should have the right to check his phone out. It's only fair, right? You've heard it before I'm sure. The one that's accusing is usually the one doing the wrong doing.

 

Now, even if he's not doing anything wrong in his personal life. Clearly, this isn't normal behavior. Someone may have burned him pretty hard in the past and it's carrying over.

 

So, I stand by my statement of couples counseling or even indivdual counseling to figure out how to handle his jealousy and his urges to spy on his girlfriend when it isn't warranted. (and from other threads that you can read around here...some of this stuff is small potato's in comparison)

[nofool4u]

I understand, and again, bf is acting over the top.

 

And reading back yes, she threw up some red flags to a nice guy, although nothing that was huge. But this is what happens to a nice guy when red flags pop up. I think nice guys tend to think women are taking advantage of their good nature.

 

But as you said, they need to sit down and have a long hard talk.