? Was this all my fault? Suffering a lot in my life right now.

[YoungandBroken]

Hey guys,

 

New to the forum here. Thank God I found an anonymous place to bare my soul because I certainly can't do it in real life or on Facebook.

 

So, I'm a 19 year old guy from Washington DC, I'm handsome, well-built, and have been told so by a lot of people I know. My parents are successful financially and are still together despite my older brother having autism and my personal issues. My problem is my recurrent depression, my drug use, and my insecurity that just seems to go on and on no matter what I tell myself. For some reason, I've never been able to understand people, especially women, although I've been through a lot of "relationships" and hookups in high school.

 

In August 2011 I left home to go to Ohio University in Athens, where I met some great people and some bad people. Coincidentally, it turned out that one of my high school buddies, knew a girl from some online game who lived in the residence hall across from mine. I thought it was really coincidental. I looked her up on Facebook and we began talking. The first time I met her was at the dining hall when we arranged to meet there for the first time and hang out. We got to know each other, which was cool, and I really only considered her a friend. But soon enough I found myself infatuated with her. Her name was Mikayla. I fell in love.

 

We had so much in common. We were both kind of introverted and liked video games, her more so than me. We hit it off Fall Quarter of 11'. One night we went to this hockey game and she locked elbows with me and I just felt, well genuinely happy, like I'd never felt before in my life. Some nights on weekends we would spend hours in her room watching movies or playing video games, we would spend a lot of time texting too. She told me that the fact that she flirted with me was probably the most she ever had.

 

However, Mikayla's neighbor Emily who had a boyfriend named Tyler did not like me for whatever reason. He did not like me for whatever reason. My thought is that he got jealous of me because Emily put her head on my shoulder one night and she picked up on that. They both started saying things behind my back. During the Halloween block party that goes on in Athens on Halloween weekend, where everybody gets drunk and parties hard, she didn't wait for me to go up to the block party and instead followed Tyler and Emily up there. She later said that she didn't want to leave without me but they didn't want to wait so she went with them. She offered to meet up with them later but I declined because I was pissed off.

 

Meanwhile, I became consumed with the belief that Mikayla had a crush on Tyler. Mikayla was having a gullbladder problem at the time and severed contact with me before the six week long winter break, during which she talked to Tyler a lot. I didn't talk to her for three months. During February, I initiated contact with her again and we talked briefly before ending in a fight. She blocked me on Facebook.

 

About a month later, during April she sent me a text message that said she was sorry that she hurt me, and "things happen for a reason". I forgave her, and this time the intensity of our relationship had skyrocketed. She fell in love with me again and I with her, but it was deep and according to her I became more important. We went for a walk around campus, talked and sat on the steps where I put my arm around her and we just sat there.

 

Shortly before her birthday in May, we went to this party together, where she wrapped my arms around her and put my hands on her breast and then in her pockets. She let me hold her really close. I held her tightly and kissed her on the cheeks and then we held hands all the way back to the dorms. That weekend, she invited me to go to King's Island, an amusement park with her for her birthday.

 

Now this is where I wish I could change the past. A few days before the weekend started, I dropped acid with my friend Nathan and I called out Tyler and Emily on Facebook. Tyler got in my face, and I told him off and called him a creep and told him to stay away from her (I had seen him checking her out and staring at her butt a few times). So, Mikayla defriended me and we didn't talk until I apologize to her a few weeks later for embarrassing her. She told me the only person who got in the way of our relationship was me and she said "I wish you would have just listened to me because everything was good and I was happy. Looked like you were too but I guess not." She told me she believed me to be above the drama they created.

 

Over the summer, I was still insecure and kept asking her why people thought she and Tyler liked each other, to which she replied, "Just because everybody says that's true doesn't mean it is. I liked the idea meaning how he treated Emily, but I couldn't like him because I didn't contain those feelings for him." In October, fed up that I kept asking her whether she did or not, and after I told her I hated her, she threatened to file a restraining order against me. I got really upset, but she then realized that what she said was wrong. She said "Well now I realize why I've struggled to let you go for so long." She kept telling me that My paranoia of "two people who didn't matter" got in the way of everything.

 

I ended up leaving OU, due to the depression and the loss, she did end up filing a criminal complaint against me with Tyler, after I said to her after one of our classes "Were you up too late screwing Tyler last night?" She posted a status on Facebook that told me to go to hell, which Tyler liked. I told her later I hoped her mother died. Everything just became so hostile and hateful.

 

Well, her mother did end up dying in late January about a month ago and I feel like sht about it, because her mother was actually a nice person and I didn't mean what I said, was just really hurt and felt betrayed. I found out that now Tyler and Mikayla are dating, Emily is out of the picture and I feel so betrayed about it. I saw pictures of them on Facebook where she's resting her head on his shoulder and photos of them doing couple things. What bothers me is that it's HIM. Of all people, does she not remember who HE is? He trampled all over our relationship so he could get with her. I told her he was a pervert and a scumbag, not to mention he is not good-looking at all (looks like a hillbilly) and is a bully. I told her that a long time ago, and she still would rather be with him. I think maybe it's because he was there to console (fake!) her into thinking somebody really cared. I know he doesn't really care about her mother or her, he just sees her as a sex object.

 

Did I ruin that relationship? How can I cope with my feelings of guilt, sadness, and anger towards them now? I always think of what could have been. If I had put off my feelings of insecurity, even though I was honest in them, could things have been different? I have since leaving OU checked myself into a mental hospital because I was feeling suicidal, where I met this other girl who was really attractive (Mikayla was a C+/B-) and I got together with her for a one night stand, once we got out. I know it's f'ed up but it distracted me. However, of all the people I've ever hooked up with/had relations with, I've never felt as strongly towards as I have Mikayla, even though she's not the most attractive.

 

Sorry for the huge dialogue, I just got a year and a half's worth of emotions off my chest.