Broke up with my long distance boyfriend, unsure if i did the right thing?

[mariestrat]

I've been dating this individual for almost two years -- we met at work. for the past 7 months, we have been living on opposite sides of the country. I started a very rigorous graduate school program and he has unfortunately been living at home with his parents. needless to say, our lives are very different -- i live in a big city and is experiencing a lot of new things/people whereas he has a job he essentially hates and is living at home with his parents, an unideal situation. At first the distance was not bad, we saw each other about once a month but every time we parted ways, I was devastated and sad about it for a considerable amount of time after left each other... it started getting harder and harder. Around two months ago, I realized that I was not as happy as I once was in the relationship. It was confusing though, because he was a very wonderful boyfriend and I loved him; he was very attentive, considerate, loving and available. I was just unhappy with the distance and felt that seeing an individual only 3 days out of 30 was just not enough. I became resentful of myself for feeling this way, since my partner was so happy, content with our relationship and so deeply in love. I tried to look past this unhappiness but, it was an issue that was going to be constant unless he got into school in the same city I was in, which is something that was not going to happen until July or August... ( another issue was that he was not really working towards getting into school i.e, hadn't started studying for the GRE, was submitting applications late/right before the deadline -- his priorities didn't seem focused) So, this past weekend when he came to visit me, I didn't know what to do -- these thoughts were in the back of my mind the entire time he was here and finally, at the airport.. I told him I just couldn't do it anymore. I had expressed my doubts in our relationship previously, and when I finally did the deed he said he wasn't surprised. I feel an indescribable amount of guilt though... we had a wonderful weekend, he flew all the way out to see me, I crushed him so badly and now I know he's in pain and is angry and probably never wants to speak to me again. He has a crappy living situation, a job he doesn't like and does not have many friends in his town, I feel like he is very much alone and I feel terrible because of that. In addition to this, he lives in a state I have no formal ties to, me sending him off in despair at the airport is probably the last time I will ever see him. It was a horrible feeling. I still love him, and I still care for him deeply. I have some residual doubts that I made the wrong decision but at the same time, I am relived I finally told him the truth. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how long did it take to speak to this person again? I plan on calling him in a week, just to see how he is doing, if he is willing to talk to me.

 

Also I just realized hes completely blocked me from Facebook. I know its just a website but... him doing that makes me feel like he hates me and indicates he doesn't want to communicate at all anymore. I'm just surprised things would boil down to this, considering he was the one who always iterated that he would always want to remain in contact, whether or not we were in a romantic relationship together. This is just so devastating and makes me feel terrible.

[will1988]

Marie

 

For one he has every right to be mad at you. You dumped him, he did not dump you. Also, he obviously does not have a high paying job if he is still living with his parents... so a lot of his hard earned cash at a soul sucking job went towards buying a plane ticket to fly out and meet you. Probably money he couldn't have spared. Yet, you dump him. In LDR situations like this it would've been best to save him the time and cash and just dump him over the phone. He was hurt by you dumping him, and probably POd that you made him fly out to visit you and then to get dumped.

 

Now that that is out of the way, you did make the right call in dumping him (just not the right time or place). If you no longer felt the spark and felt like your lives were going down to seperate paths then you had every right to dump him. You are only second guessing yourself now because you realize he is out of your life completely and you miss being in a relationship. He became familier and became a big part of your life but now he is gone... think of it as being like reverse buyers remorse. However, in time you will realize you made the right choice.

 

I personally think most LDR relationships (especially ones where the people have not dated for at least some time in "real life") are not meant to last. Your whole length of your relationship was LDR. The first months of the relationship you are supposed to start loving the person more and more and going through normal in-person couplese phases. However, you all never got to experiance that except via phone, email, and the ocasional visit. Out of sight of mind is a phrase that comes to mind. I dated my GF for a full year before we went LDR... and we practically lived together for that year. I had to return home though to continue college and to get a decent job. My GF's schedule and mine rarely meshed, so even though we were only an 8 hour drive away I'd only get to see her once every 3 or 4 months for two or three days. That LDR went on for a little over 2 years! The first year it was somewhat easier. However, as time went on I found myself losing the spark for my gf, as did she for me, and we started arguing more. I also found that I wanted to talk to her less and less. It was almost like being single but with a gf I was obligated to talk to a few times a day for a few minutes. I still loved her but I was falling out of love with her. Eventually I hit the breaking point after almost two weeks straight arguing. I said I could no longer do the LDR and if my GF wanted to stay with me she would have to follow through on her promises to move to where I lived (I live in DC... she lived in Appalachia). She eventually decided moving up here was the best thing for us and for her (better jobs) and so she came. The first month was great, but after that I could tell we both missed our old lifestyles we had grown used to while we were on LDR... up until a few months ago we finally got back on track again and now enjoy living together once it became the norm again. Long story short is that from my own experience and from others' experiences that I know o f 9 out of 10 LDRs fail for one reason another, no matter how loyal and honest you are.

[mariestrat]

We did live in the same city for a year -- and much like you, practically lived together during that point. But I appreciate your input. My timing was horrible, but I just never had the balls to do it over the phone I guess, and when we were at the airport he said " if you're gonna dump me, do it to my face" so... I did. I still miss him a lot but, I was falling out of love and I couldn't help how I was feeling.

 

Thanks again.

[Kristie16]

I can totally relate. This sounds a lot like my situation. My LD boyfriend and I have been together three years, two of them long distance. We broke up one time already but got back together.

We met when when we weren't that different. I had finish college but moved back to my hometown in between jobs. He had yet to finish college and was just kind of going through the motion but told me finishing school was important. Well, three years later I have a good job, money, travel, etc., while he is still in my hometown trying to finish school. He's in the same position he was three years ago without changing at all.

I'm 27, and he'll be 26 in a month. I love him. He's my first love, but I'm just starting to realize we are too different. I find myself not wanting to talk to him as much and I find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to be with a guy who is a little bit more together.

We'll have to do long distance for at least another 1.5 years, and that makes me nervous too. It was originally supposed to just be a year while he finished school but that's taken longer and longer.

He's coming to visit me in a few weeks and I have a feeling I'm going to say something. It's not that I don't love him anymore. It's just that I sometimes think we need to take a break until we are bit closer on the same page in life. I know this will break his heart. It will also break my heart. We rely on each other a lot for support, and I'm scared of being alone, but I also know I it's not fair for both of us to be together out of fear.

[mariestrat]

I can totally relate. This sounds a lot like my situation. My LD boyfriend and I have been together three years, two of them long distance. We broke up one time already but got back together.

We met when when we weren't that different. I had finish college but moved back to my hometown in between jobs. He had yet to finish college and was just kind of going through the motion but told me finishing school was important. Well, three years later I have a good job, money, travel, etc., while he is still in my hometown trying to finish school. He's in the same position he was three years ago without changing at all.

I'm 27, and he'll be 26 in a month. I love him. He's my first love, but I'm just starting to realize we are too different. I find myself not wanting to talk to him as much and I find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to be with a guy who is a little bit more together.

We'll have to do long distance for at least another 1.5 years, and that makes me nervous too. It was originally supposed to just be a year while he finished school but that's taken longer and longer.

He's coming to visit me in a few weeks and I have a feeling I'm going to say something. It's not that I don't love him anymore. It's just that I sometimes think we need to take a break until we are bit closer on the same page in life. I know this will break his heart. It will also break my heart. We rely on each other a lot for support, and I'm scared of being alone, but I also know I it's not fair for both of us to be together out of fear.

 

I can't empathize with you more. It's essentially exactly what i went though. It's been a week and i don't regret what i did anymore. I still care about him, wish that he didn't cut me out completely but know that at the end of the day, I'm doing him and myself a favor.

 

good luck!

[Kristie16]

Thank you, Mariestrat!

 

I'm worried I'm going to regret it and that I'm rushing into it. I've always known we've been very different and always told myself we could work it out. It's only lately that I've really started to see that there are basic values that we are never going to see eye to eye on. But he is so great to me, I wonder if it's worth it to be with someone who makes me happy in one way but not in another? Being my first love, I have nothing to compare it to and I am scared I'll end up alone.

 

Realistically, my brain knows I need to end things. I know I would tell a good friend of mine to end things. But it's so hard because he's such a big part of my life and we have been through a lot and he loves me and I love him. Sometimes I question how that's not enough? And I am scared to be alone now. How did you get over those feelings and thoughts?