Do I have a chance again?

[backspn]

I came across this web site while trying to find answers to heal my heart and figure out what my next move is. I am 28 and she is 20. We have been family friends for over 4 years. We had been seeing each other for almost 2 1/2 years and since June of 2003 we've had a long distance relationship. We broke up in April of this year. She started seeing another guy about a month after we broke (that relationship ended a month later, badly) up but she has continued to call. Most nights during the summer we would fall asleep on the phone with each other. She calls me everyday and we talk. She moved down a week ago to go to school. We go to different schools in the same city. She called me that night she got down and she was sad and lonely. I asked her if she would like to come over to watch some TV and hang out, she said no that she was tired and going to sleep soon. I asked her a couple of days later and she told me that she was really busy and she had to stay in the dorm. Is she scared of seeing me? Does she have to get used to me again? Sorry for rambling but my question that I keep asking myself is why does she call me so much and fall asleep on the phone with me if she just wants to be my friend? I don't fall asleep on the phone with my other friends. We were madly in love for almost 2 years before we split.....does she still have feelings for me and is just in denial to herself? Do I have a chance to get her heart back? I think I have a chance if I can see her again. What are my next moves if I have a chance? Please help me.

 

p.s. I believe we split because of distance....does that make a difference?

[backspn]

Little side bar to my last post.....I rarely call her.....she always calls me.....does that make a difference?

[sock83]

I know people say age isnt an issue and rarley it is but one thing to keep in mind that she is only 20, try and remember when you were that age pretty confusing times eh, from what you described she seems like a pretty mature person but confused also.

I think she looks up to you and loves you but doent know weather she is making the right choices, your at the age where you want to start winding down and starting a family and she's at the age where every thing is new.

In saying that though age isnt really a big issue if you love someone you love someone plain and simple, i think if you respect her always and always be there for her no matter what (but dont be afraid to go on with your life also) it should start swinging in your favour.

Good luck all the best

sock83

[AllieJ]

I think that both distance and the fact that she's the one doing the calling both make a big difference. You two obviously had a special bond and it's possible that she just needs that closeness right now, dealing with moving and starting school. There's a chance that she could be avoiding you, maybe enjoys the closeness you have mentally, and is afraid of being vulnerable in front of you physically. It's also possible that she has just been really busy.... being in school yourself, you must understand how hectic this time of year can be. It may also depend on how the break up happened.... I assume it wasn't a terribly horrible ordeal, or you two probably wouldn't be talking still. I went through this with an ex-boyfriend. we were together for two years, and after we broke up, I kept talking to him and I really enjoyed the comfort I had with him, but I realized that he thought I was hinting I wanted to get back together, when all I really wanted was the closeness. There's a chance that that's all she's looking for, in which case, you have to decide whether it's worth it to be her friend, and nothing more. But, I don't know exactly what she's going through, so I can't say for sure. It is obvious that she still loves you very much, and she needs you right now. I'd say just be there for her, but not as much as you seem to be. Let her know that you're there for her, but you also have your own life and your own things to deal with. If she really cares for you, she'll be more than happy to see to your needs too. I hope all goes well.

[backspn]

I really appreciate both your opinions. It has been 6 months since we have seen each other although we talk on the phone every night since. I think she may have to get use to seeing me and is a little scared she might fall back into us. When we seperated she told me that she needed to grow on her own and she said "if Im going to make the biggest mistake of my life, then I have to do it on my own". Does this mean that she has given up the thought of being with me or that she needs time to figure things out on her own. I know she wants to hang out with me but she says she needs a little more time. She also plays on a sports team at school so I know she is quite busy. My big concern is if I stay her friend, which I can, will she always look at me as only a friend? I keep thinking back to the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding". Can she be mine later if I remain her friend now?

[AllieJ]

Yes, if you remain her friend, and when she's ready, she'll be able to see past the friendship. I learned that in the opposite way.... I was dating someone seriously, and a very good friend of mine admitted to having feelings for me. When me and my boyfriend broke up, I started spending a lot of time with my friend. I knew long before that that I had feelings for him... we would have been the perfect couple, except that the first time we kissed, I felt absolutely no spark. Obvoiusly, if you two were together romantically in the past, that spark was there, and whether a person wants the spark or not, it will always be there. My ex (of two years) and I broke up over 2 years ago, we're still good friends, and I love him dearly. We were completely different people, and couldn't agree on anything as a couple, but as friends we're great. I will honestly admit though, that even now when I see him, I still feel that spark and still want him bad, I just know that it wouldn't work out. So yea, if the spark was once there, as far as I'm concerned, it will never go away.

[ECVegas]

Sock is right. 20 years old is a young age. For someone going to school, meeting new friends, doing new things...she probably wants to be free to do what she wants to do without feeling guilty about it. I must say it's a pretty honorable move on her part.

 

Right now, she sounds like she is in a new and foreign place, and may be experiencing loneliness at times. That's probably why she is calling you. With the age difference, it doesn't shock me that she looks up to you...see's you as a security blanket. She obviously trusts you with her emotions and feelings, or she wouldn't still be opening up to you with conversations late into the night.

 

But it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants...and you do. True, if you stay friends--you guys might some day down the road experience what you once had. But in my opinion, that would be like putting your life on hold to see what her next move is, and that's not being fair to yourself.

 

If you can handle just "being friends" with her, then that's your option. But I would only expect friendship out of it--nothing more.

 

If you can't handle just being friends--then be fair & honest to yourself--and to her--and let her know that it's best you both go your separate ways (as you may get your heart broken if you expect more and she mets & falls in love with another guy on campus).

 

Maybe the thought of being without you might make her realize how much she really loves you...and needs you. But with you being there for her with no strings attached, she'll never see that.

 

Either way, at least you will be honest with yourself and your emotions. If things end up working out, great! If not, then at least you can begin the healing process of getting over her--and moving on to finding someone that wants more from you than just friendship and an ear to bend.

 

Good luck

[backspn]

I do want to have another chance with her and I know deep in my heart that I need to let her go to get that chance. How do I do it? Im afraid that she will get angry and never talk to me again like her last BF. When we were together we shared phones on a family plan and she has one phone and I have the other. I pay for the bill but there is no charge for the extra phone. How do I distance myself without ruining everything? I have been of late not taking some of her calls and keeping busy with friends and family. Just confused on how to do it without ruining any future chances. I know that if I stay friends for the next couple years that I could have a good shot but like you said Vegas, what if she meets some guy and they get engaged or something. I would be devestated. I want to have a chance with her but I dont want to be hurt again. Please help!