Ridiculousness

[MissBee]

LFH,

 

I know you are in a long term affair and happy with it. I admire your honesty about this.

 

However, when I read your thread, it seemed to imply that his wife must be very stupid to believe the lies he makes up in order to spend time with you.

It almost sounded like you were bragging about all of the disrespect he is showing his wife.

 

I know you have said repeatedly that his wife doesn't care what he does. Then why does he have to create such ridiculous lies to tell her?

 

I am curious as well. But it's perhaps one's own guilt. You know you're doing something wrong, so you lie about it, even if technically you don't "have to." But for those who claim the BS knows but turns a blind eye...then why would someone need to make up ridiculous lies in light of an uncaring partner. Simply, say, I'm going out, be back soon!

[MissBee]

Not "knowing" as much as "not wanting to know", "not wanting to look any deeper". Turning a blind eye instead of investigating when something feels off. Denial.

 

Neo's wife's general attitude is like that, so of course it is with signs of inconsistencies which in reality point to an EMR as well. Don't look and it won't hurt.

 

That doesn't address the question of why make up a ridiculous lie if your partner is one to turn a blind eye.

 

You don't have to actively lie to someone who is going out of their way not to see right?

[eleanorrigby]

I'll never understand either why MM/MW bring out all the cloak and dagger when they are living with a spouse that they claim knows about the affair and doesn't care.

 

Why insult her by whomping up possum hunting trips?

 

If I had given my husband the "don't ask, don't tell" signal and he still came up with lies like:

 

"the circus is coming to town and I just joined the Big Brothers and I'm taking one of the disadvantaged kids to the circus and then camping for a week"

 

I'd be irritated.

[MissBee]

You still have to come up with some reason as for why you are for example as in our case leaving two days early for a conference. And if you aren't very skilled at lying the reason may be ridiculous.

 

Or are you implying that just because the spouse turns a blind eye the two spouses have all together stopped talking to each other like two normal human beings do?

 

In fact in our case we were already in the hotel room and she asked him over the phone why he had to go that early. I could see him being embarrassed and uncomfortable that he had to lie to her.

 

I'm saying, if your spouse doesn't care that much, you don't need to make up an elaborate lie. A small lie would suffice or being vague. Saying you have to go fix Santa's sleigh at the North Pole for a few days, when your spouse isn't actively concerned is a bit much for example.

 

In any case...if your spouse turns a blind eye, it seems like you could probably tell the truth as it would change nothing in your life. It only matters if your spouse cares IMO. If I am married to a man who was turning a blind eye, and I didn't even want to be married to him, but had to have an affair, I'd stop wasting energy to make up ridiculous lies. I'd just be vague and I imagine an unconcerned spouse would look up from the newspaper and just say "Alright honey". You can't be both unconcerned and turning a blind eye and also questioning me deeply. If someone doesn't care any lie will do. So it is on the one lying to decide on the kind of lie they choose to go with and that reflects more of their own feelings about things. As you said, Neo himself felt uncomfortable lying to her. I originally said that, that maybe why someone lies ridiculously in a case where the spouse supposedly doesn't care, has to do with their own guilt/negative feelings around their behavior. So your point is the same as mine.

 

Anyway it seems a sad state of affairs if one spouse doesn't care, the other is in affair, and one is in denial and the other is making up preposterous lies to hold together what?

[cocorico]

Maybe they feel somehow it's expected of them, to give the BS something to,say of someone else were to ask where the WS was, so that the BS does not have to look foolish and admit that they don't know and don't care?

[MissBee]

I'll never understand either why MM/MW bring out all the cloak and dagger when they are living with a spouse that they claim knows about the affair and doesn't care.

 

Why insult her by whomping up possum hunting trips?

 

If I had given my husband the "don't ask, don't tell" signal and he still came up with lies like:

 

"the circus is coming to town and I just joined the Big Brothers and I'm taking one of the disadvantaged kids to the circus and then camping for a week"

 

I'd be irritated.

 

Ditto.

 

I can believe there are don't ask don't tell marriages, as well as other scenarios. People KNOW they are both turning a blind eye and act accordingly. No need to jump through elaborate hoops. People still play the charade and act courteously, but they don't have to concoct grand tales. It is either because you yourself feel badly, so you automatically come up with these crazy lies or it's because your spouse does care so you have to find some story.

 

But if someone doesn't care...while you won't flaunt the A, you probably won't need to lie about possum hunting and the like lmaoo! You can just be vague about things or come up with a simple lie. The thing is, only a concerned spouse will question your lies. The definition of turning a blind eye, is seeing the obvious and ignoring it. So unless both just enjoy these ridiculous tales, one can come up with lesser lies, as by definition, a spouse turning a blind eye will not cross examine you, so your lie can be huge and outlandish or better for you, small and inconspicuous. As if they know you cheat but just ignore it...then no lie will change that right?

[MissBee]

Maybe they feel somehow it's expected of them, to give the BS something to,say of someone else were to ask where the WS was, so that the BS does not have to look foolish and admit that they don't know and don't care?

 

This makes sense to me.

 

My original post was saying that. When both are in a sham marriage and upholding the sham, then both play into sort of counterproductive modes of behavior.

 

The MM plays along and makes up grand tales to tell a woman whom he doesn't have to lie to and the BS listens to what she knows are lies, for the sake of playing along and or telling others.

 

The whole thing sounds like some crazy comedic tragedy, as essentially both characters are wasting time and both are in a form of denial and just playing along with unnecessary things because none want to rock the boat.

[jwi71]

It's not the same though, is it? Some people don't see, others actively look away.

 

Yeah...I can see this too.

 

I think coco hit on it...the BS and WS may have an unspken "deal" where he hides it and they both carry on.

 

I'd call it sick, from a mental health PoV, but I'm pretty sure it happens.

 

5) Both agree to play a game as long as they don't D.

 

maybe?

[MissBee]

I guess we are speaking of two different kinds of situations. I'm talking about someone who does care but protects themselves from the hurt and knowledge by turning a blind eye. Our points are not the same. I'm certain Neo's wife would care very much if she was to find out.

 

Mostly Neo does not have to lie to her because she doesn't ask at all. This time she did and he doesn't like lying to her but found himself having to do so. She accepted the lie as the truth even though it was ridiculous that you would save enough money on a flight ticket to pay for two hotel nights. Likely because she doesn't want to look any deeper.

 

Sounds even worse.

 

I feel bad for both of them frankly.

[beenburned]

MC,

 

Exactly! Because the lies are at someone else's expense/hurt.

 

How many times does a wife have to ask her H a question before she finally gets the truth? If she didn't care, she wouldn't have asked the question in the first place.

 

My H (while cheating) answered every question/concern I had with an outright bold face to face, eye to eye, lie. I was asking repeatedly because I was concerned for his health/wellbeing as he looked like death warmed over.

[Tenacity]

This chuckling and comparing notes about novel methods of deceit makes me feel bad.

 

Just my reaction to it …

 

In honesty - would ANY of us find it cute to read a discussion about "what is the most humorous way you've ever lied to your loved one to get free to go out and have sex with a different person"? I don't think we would.

 

Who's chuckling? I haven't seen anyone chuckling.

 

With all due respect, why does your opinion on the validity of the thread matter? It's completely off-topic. Why not just ignore the thread if you don't like the topic, rather than posting your moral opinion of it?

[Catplates]

I'll never understand either why MM/MW bring out all the cloak and dagger when they are living with a spouse that they claim knows about the affair and doesn't care.

 

Why insult her by whomping up possum hunting trips?

 

If I had given my husband the "don't ask, don't tell" signal and he still came up with lies like:

 

"the circus is coming to town and I just joined the Big Brothers and I'm taking one of the disadvantaged kids to the circus and then camping for a week"

 

I'd be irritated.

 

The possum hunter's wife very dfeinitely did NOT know. I never said she did.

[LFH]

LFH,

 

I know you are in a long term affair and happy with it. I admire your honesty about this.

 

However, when I read your thread, it seemed to imply that his wife must be very stupid to believe the lies he makes up in order to spend time with you.

It almost sounded like you were bragging about all of the disrespect he is showing his wife.

 

I know you have said repeatedly that his wife doesn't care what he does. Then why does he have to create such ridiculous lies to tell her?

 

Nope it isn't that at all. I swear people go out of their way sometimes to find the most evil purpose in everything I post. One of these days I'm going to just start posting mean stuff because everyone thinks I do anyway.

 

I was sitting here thinking holy crap how does ones life turn into something that includes this kinda thing.... and wanting to know that I wasn't the only one that has ever felt that way. That sometimes you hear something and you think to yourself DID THAT REALLY just get said? BY ANYONE?!?!!!?

 

It wasn't about smirking or giggling or whatever it was about feeling incredulous and trying to make sense of things. It had nothing to do with her being "stupid" or whatever.

 

 

You still have to come up with some reason as for why you are for example as in our case leaving two days early for a conference. And if you aren't very skilled at lying the reason may be ridiculous.

 

Or are you implying that just because the spouse turns a blind eye the two spouses have all together stopped talking to each other like two normal human beings do?

 

In fact in our case we were already in the hotel room and she asked him over the phone why he had to go that early. I could see him being embarrassed and uncomfortable that he had to lie to her.

 

That's a big part of it. She insists on an excuse and it's not like "I'm going out" works when you're gone for 9 days. She's big on things being done her way besides. He could certainly just leave for a week, but then there would be an argument and drama and that's more effort than coming up with an excuse.

 

Maybe they feel somehow it's expected of them, to give the BS something to,say of someone else were to ask where the WS was, so that the BS does not have to look foolish and admit that they don't know and don't care?

 

That to. One of the things she says when he leaves is "Where should I tell people you are if they ask?"

[Mme. Chaucer]

Who's chuckling? I haven't seen anyone chuckling.

 

HAHA! Possum hunting!?! lol

 

LOL at possum hunting

 

I think "lol" means laughing. And smiley faces / rolly eyes kind of imply humor as well.

 

With all due respect, why does your opinion on the validity of the thread matter? It's completely off-topic. Why not just ignore the thread if you don't like the topic, rather than posting your moral opinion of it?

 

Excuse me, but I did not question the validity of the subject, or impose my personal morality upon it. I said that some of the attitudes in this discussion make ME feel bad.

 

I think that it's appropriate for me to express my feelings about something I just read here. No discussion on this entire forum is open to only those people who are on board with it. Also it seems completely in context to ask how folks would react if the roles of the posters were juxtaposed.

 

If you are super concerned with staying on topic, then you might want to watch out for making posts to admonish other members. That's off topic.

[William]

Moderation stopping by to remind members to remain topical and addressing :

 

What was the most ridiculous excuse that your MM/MW has ever told to be with you (that you know of)?

 

I'm looking for responses from (f)OW/OM and WS's.

 

For the record, moderation approved the comment:

 

HAHA! Possum hunting!?! lol

 

As it was posted by a betrayed spouse who experiences anomalous auto-moderation of her postings. The observance of a 'ridiculous' excuse was topical.

 

I'll thank members not to attempt to do moderation's job, rather post to the topic in a civil and respectful manner or please discontinue use of our forums. If not, moderation will remove you. Thanks.

[JourneyLady]

It's not the same though, is it? Some people don't see, others actively look away.

 

I really didn't see. I thought he was just having hormonal issues (men have them too) and work stress. Also I was buried deep in my writing at that point, so glad to FINALLY have something of my own, and I was working really hard to make a go of it. (The divorce and school and other things got in the way, so I am -finally- restarting up with the writing...)

 

I think that makes it easy sometimes, especially in middle-age. The kids are gone or busy, so they don't notice anything. The wife who has been a SAHM is often going back to school or trying to do something on her own after being out of the work force a long time. Sometimes we are too busy to notice.

 

Some part of me noticed, I guess, because I started having nightmares about a woman coming into my house and I couldn't get her to stay out. That's when he told me finally...

 

You can sense something off, and not know exactly. He did high-security work and so it wasn't like I could go there and check, especially as I had nothing to drive.

 

I suppose ex-WS didn't have to tell very many lies, because it was only about two weeks after they actually had sex that he told me.

 

So my problem was trust... After all, he'd just asked me for 30 more years of marriage handwritten in an anniversary card. And wrote some poems for me as well. What kind of guy does that when he's in love with someone else?

 

Just weird. But untrustworthy and I'm well rid of him.

[Tenacity]

I removed my response to Mme Chaucer based on William's post.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Tenacity

[Tenacity]

I think "lol" means laughing. And smiley faces / rolly eyes kind of imply humor as well.

 

 

 

Excuse me, but I did not question the validity of the subject, or impose my personal morality upon it. I said that some of the attitudes in this discussion make ME feel bad.

 

I think that it's appropriate for me to express my feelings about something I just read here. No discussion on this entire forum is open to only those people who are on board with it. Also it seems completely in context to ask how folks would react if the roles of the posters were juxtaposed.

 

If you are super concerned with staying on topic, then you might want to watch out for making posts to admonish other members. That's off topic.

 

I am being careful here in light of the moderator post to this thread.

 

I disagree that "expressing feelings about the topic of a post" is acceptable and allowed. It is an opinion on the morality of the topic. Read the rules. It is off-topic to do so. If you have a problem with the morality of a thread that is in the proper and accepted forum, then why post?

 

It has nothing to do with the discussions being open to everyone. If the topic is acceptable to the forum it's posted in, then why do people find it necessary to judge? Those people should focus on forums where they can participate rather than sly insertions of their morality in off-topic posts.

 

If you are super concerned with staying on topic, then you might want to watch out for making posts to admonish other members. That's off topic.

 

Yes, and that's where I messed up. Two wrongs don't make a right, and all that. And no, I did not get infracted for it.

 

I hate that LFH can't post her questions openly on this forum without being either directly attacked or forced to endure slightly less subtle jabs. This forum should be that place for her and others. It doesn't matter whether you or I or anyone agrees with it. It is what the forum was designed for!!!

Edited March 3, 2013 by Tenacity

[Tenacity]

i know this thread is in the other man/woman section, but I do find it interesting that there is such a huge assumption about what the married person's betrayed spouse is thinking/feeling or why they act the way they do...

 

maybe there i some truth to what is being said...but the reality is that many other men/woman have just about as much knowledge of what the betrayed spouse has been told as I do...it's really supposition, "what would I do if I were in that situation" or complete trust of their married person...

 

maybe the thoughts and assumptions are correct, but i have a sneaking suspicion that often there's what the betrayed spouse really thinks and knows, what the other man/woman thinks or knows and what the wayward spouse/married person knows ( somewhere probably closest the an accurate picture of what is really going on)

 

You may be very right. I think that is true in most relationships. In an affair triangle, there is even more potential for that.

[Silly_Girl]

i know this thread is in the other man/woman section, but I do find it interesting that there is such a huge assumption about what the married person's betrayed spouse is thinking/feeling or why they act the way they do...

 

maybe there i some truth to what is being said...but the reality is that many other men/woman have just about as much knowledge of what the betrayed spouse has been told as I do...it's really supposition, "what would I do if I were in that situation" or complete trust of their married person...

 

maybe the thoughts and assumptions are correct, but i have a sneaking suspicion that often there's what the betrayed spouse really thinks and knows, what the other man/woman thinks or knows and what the wayward spouse/married person knows ( somewhere probably closest the an accurate picture of what is really going on)

 

You might not be doing it here, FS, but I do see disparaging posts where the AP is criticised for considering how the BS may be feeling etc.

 

I listen to the girls in my office try and translate the actions of potential beaus. It's quite funny.

 

I think this stuff is human nature, trying to unravel situations and reactions. And we all see/feel things differently and there's not always a clear right or wrong. There were things my ex-MM spoke about, in relation to his wife, where I could offer a different perspective or idea as to why she might have reacted to something earlier in their marriage or what she might find difficult (in terms of his behaviour) that he couldn't see. Sometimes I was able to get to the nub of things (relating to him, I mean) way quicker than he ever could have done, had he had the inclination.