Is mine the 7 year itch too?

[Guinevere04]

My husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and married for almost 6. We have been through so much with his ex-wife and their child, the loss of his job twice, loss of a house due to his ex-wife, and the birth of a wonderful baby boy 2 years ago that I would not trade for anything in the world. But the last 3 years have been so hard, we do not get along AT ALL. We have been going to counseling since February and are both on antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication because we both feel like we are in a wad all the time. He hates his job and I hate his attitude. His ex-wife is constantly causing trouble and it's one stressor after another in our home.To beat it all, my sister and her husband split up a year ago and she has finally found happiness alone. My husband thinks if I go see my sister, there are men there and I am cheating on him. So there is another topic for arguement. He also expects me to councel my sister on who to date and how to dress and expects me to change the world. His biggest problem with me is that I pay too much attn to our toddler. But my husband gets home at 9pm from work and I am the one who takes care of the baby the most and he does take a lot of my energy.

 

My biggest complaint of him is that he doesn't care about anything but drinking beer and fussing at me. I have to do everything around the house. He wastes the whole weekend saying he is going to mow the grass so he can't do anything with us, but then he is finally out there on Sunday evening mowing with the headlights on because he sleeps all weekend, every weekend. He also gets angry because I don't want to have sex, but I do not find someone attractive that I am constantly arguing with.

 

I have had some anxiety spells lately where my eyes twitch really bad, my mouth pulls and I thought I was having a stroke. The dr told me it was nerves and no amount of medicine will change a situation. We had a long talk that day and I told my husband that something had to give. I am tired of arguing all the time, it's bad for our child, it's taking a toll on my health and all of this arguing the last three years has made me emotionally seperated from him. I love him as a person but not like I used to.

 

He admitted that he has not done anything he has said he would in counseling and I have really tried. But now I am worn out and fed up. He promises that he will do better if I give him another chance, but I just don't have the lovey feelings like I used to. One other thing, and some may think I am horrible, he has lost weight since we were married. He is very, very thin and sickly looking. I just don't feel attracted to him. I feel like I am the big arms of the relationship and I am a size 4. He has been to the dr once about a year ago and they didn't find anything but I think it's all the beer he drinks and not eating real meals since he gets home so late. I know if I gained weight and got fat he wouldn't change how he feels about me, so that is probably bad of me to feel that way about him but I can't help it. He just doesn't look healthy, then when he is hateful on top of it and I am doing all of the work with our child, and his child on our weekend, I just get fed up.

 

Since I am doing it all alone anyway, what would it hurt to live alone, never having to deal with his ex-wife again or hear any of her lies!!!! But the thought of having to share our son on holidays and weekends, just kills us both. And knowing one day, down the road he may remarry and someone else may have to be my baby's step-mother. UH, just kills me. Which way is more miserable this or that?

 

What to do, what to do? We have therapy again tomorrow but I feel like we are getting worse instead of better. He swears he will change because he is committed. But my heart isn't in it anymore. I know he loves me, that is one thing that I can definitely say though.

[Scott S]

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[Scott S]

Since I am doing it all alone anyway, what would it hurt to live alone, never having to deal with his ex-wife again or hear any of her lies!!!! But the thought of having to share our son on holidays and weekends, just kills us both. And knowing one day, down the road he may remarry and someone else may have to be my baby's step-mother. UH, just kills me. Which way is more miserable this or that?

 

What to do, what to do? We have therapy again tomorrow but I feel like we are getting worse instead of better. He swears he will change because he is committed. But my heart isn't in it anymore. I know he loves me, that is one thing that I can definitely say though.

 

I'm glad you're in couseling. You need it badly.

 

Has the counselor mentioned a trial separation? It sounds like you both need a break from the relationship to redefine both it and yourselves. It also may serve as strong incentive to finally commit to making real, lasting & substantial changes (read:improvements) in your marriage.

 

In Dr. Bruce Fisher's "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends," there is an appredix that discusses what he calls a "healing separation."

 

Here's a link to an excerpt. The book goes into a lot more detail.

 

http://www.bibliotherapy.com/pressrel/The%20Healing%20Separation.htm

 

I would imagine the counselor has read about this, & can give an insight as to whether it would be right for you two.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

[Samson]

A successful Healing Separation requires that both partners be committed to personal growth, and to creating healthier relationships with themselves and each other.

-Dr. Fisher

 

But my heart isn't in it anymore. I know he loves me, that is one thing that I can definitely say though.

- Guinevere

 

Well, G., you're SOL as far as Fisher (and most marriage consellors are concerned). Don't you just love these guys! If you were committed to creating a healthier relationship with yourself and your spouse, then why the hell would you be visiting Dr. Fisher, et. al.??

 

Now you've got a choice. Gracefully bow out of hell, or like MANY others, simply get used to marriage. After a few decades, you won't know how to live any other way.

[Guinevere04]

He has been trying to be nicer and more calm since our talk a week ago about my stress level with the relationship. He says he is commited enough to try and play nice for the long haul. I told him that I will give him the opportunity to try it to be like he was when we first met and put the crabby husband away. The counselor thinks this is fair, and if I don't want to live in turmoil, I don't have to. I know the reason I want to work it out because of our child and I know that's wrong. He wants to work it out because he loves me. But I hoping that if he truly starts being nice again, I hope I will feel like I used to. Miracles can happen I guess.

 

She has mentioned us possibly separating, but she really leaves that stuff to us.

[Scott S]

Well, G., you're SOL as far as Fisher (and most marriage consellors are concerned). Don't you just love these guys! If you were committed to creating a healthier relationship with yourself and your spouse, then why the hell would you be visiting Dr. Fisher, et. al.??

 

 

Maybe SOL, maybe not. Every couple & situation is different, & each need to be weighed on their individual merits.

 

One of the reasons for a trial separation is that the issues with the partners have gotten so entangled with the issues of the relationship, you can no longer distinguish them. The problem looks massive, & you can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

 

So, they take a "break" from the relationship, to get away from the source of tension & conflict for a time. Emotions can cool off & each can think rationally & logically, enabling them to make a better decision about the future of the relationship.

 

Obviously, counseling, etc works a lot better in the earlier stages of a conflict, before it escalates to this level, but that often doesn't happen.

[Guinevere04]

To me, separating would be as traumatic as completely deciding it's over, because it's the breaking up that scares me the most. I think if I could separate, I could go through with it completely. He is going out of town this weekend so I think that will be good for us. The last time I went out of town for a family reunion, I didn't miss him one bit. I loved the peace and quiet.

[Scott S]

To me, separating would be as traumatic as completely deciding it's over, because it's the breaking up that scares me the most. I think if I could separate, I could go through with it completely. He is going out of town this weekend so I think that will be good for us. The last time I went out of town for a family reunion, I didn't miss him one bit. I loved the peace and quiet.

 

 

Well, like I said, every couple & every situation is different. Each has to decide whether the proposed course of action is right for him/her/them.

 

For some couples, the separating helps provide a break, gives a fresh perspective on themselves & each other, & hopefully a realization that they do love each other, & want to continue the love relationship. For a stubborn partner, it may be the loud & clear signal that there are serious problems with the relationship that require serious attention, serious work, & serious change. It's not easy for either partner, but if the relationship is worth saving, then you do what you have to do.

 

Your therapist is correct in making suggestions, but leaving the decision to you. Ultimately, it is your choice, you decide whether you're better off in the relationship or out of it.

[Guinevere04]

My husband went out of town this weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet. I could SO get used to it. I didn't give him the warm welcome he wanted when he got back and then I felt guilty. I feel guilty that he loves me more than him. But I just feel that the last three years of arguing has made my interest in our relationship die. I don't know how to bring it back or if I want to bring it back. It is a really bad feeling. He makes me feel bad about "not loving him anymore". But that is what it boils down to. Being alone with just my son, was so nice.

[Scott S]

My husband went out of town this weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet. I could SO get used to it. I didn't give him the warm welcome he wanted when he got back and then I felt guilty. I feel guilty that he loves me more than him. But I just feel that the last three years of arguing has made my interest in our relationship die. I don't know how to bring it back or if I want to bring it back. It is a really bad feeling. He makes me feel bad about "not loving him anymore". But that is what it boils down to. Being alone with just my son, was so nice.

 

Hello Guinivere:

 

I'm glad to hear you had a pleasant weekend. I just regret the circumstances of it.

 

First, let me clarify that I don't advocate simply throwing away a marriage. I do stand on my original thoughts, however. You appear to be stagnating in a relationship that you no longer find satisfying or fulfilling. In the current situation, you're simply too close to the issues to really see them clearly.

 

The weekend by yourself was a nice break, I'm sure, but not long enough to really think about whether you wish to continue the relationship. The more long-term period of a trial separation may provide the emotional distance you need to sort out your feelings, define your needs in a relationship, & provide a better perspective as to whether you wish to continue this one.

 

I think you need to start moving ahead one way or another. It's not fair to either one of you to leave the relationship in its current state.

[L.Carrie]

Hi Guinevere,

I am sorry for what is happening in you life. I can understand the circumstances because unfortunately I am in a relationship alot like yours, except I am the other person. You can read more about me under the thread "Lonliness takes over". Roles are reversed here. My husband walked away from a 4 year marriage about a month ago. He moved in with his sister who really hates me and I am sure doesn't make the situation any better. He best friend is also my husband's ex. The dated for a short while but she still likes him and makes an effort to try to get him back when she can. Him staying at his sister's makes me very uncomfortable. My husband left...kind of uunexpectedly after telling me that he just wasn't happy any more. Now I am the one trying to win my husband back. Now mind you I work hard, come home and clean and make sure dinner is ready before he comes home. We have a 3 year old that is also alot of work that I tend to do by myself. My husband would be home for an hour before he'd leave to the gym and come home at 11pm. He swears that there's not another woman involved but at this point.....who knows. He won't come home becasue he says that he doesn't know if he's willing to make an effort anymore. He says that for the past 6months to a year he's been pretty dead inside. Just recently I found out that there's also alot more to that too. I miss my husband terribly.....everything I do reminds me of him, of us. Our home is empty and alone. I am trying to win him back. I just wanted to give you a different look at this. A different perspective because I know we can make our marriage work but my husband doesn't know if he really even wants to anymore.

[Guinevere04]

My heart goes out to you. If your husband feels about you, like I feel about my husband, he wouldn't want to hurt you for anything in the world. MY husband and I have done nothing but argue and bicker for the last 3 years. Holidays and vacations have been ruined. I will take a shower just so he won't see me cry. I want to love him, but I just don't love him like he loves me, but I don't want to break his heart either. Will time make me love him like I used to? I don't really think so. No one event made me feel this way, it's just years of slowly taking away happiness one argument at a time. And his psychotic ex-wife causing us heartache, and me nightmares, one day at a time. I knew that when I married him, but one person can't take but so much of someone else's problems but for so long.

 

I wish you luck.

 

So with him living with his sister, has that seperation helped at all or made things worse?

[L.Carrie]

Well, with him living with his sister I don't know if things are better or worse. Like I said she isn't very fond of me. Years ago she and I were very close friends...but then I married her brother. He was sleeping on her floor for a while that is until she fixed up a room for him. Now he has a tv, bed, phone etc. He's so comfortable living the batchelor's dream I guess. It doesn't help, like I said that his sister's best friend is his ex grilfriend and I am sure that with he and I being seperated she spends alot of time in that house. She's always tried to weasle her way in...he recently admitted to having an emotional affair with her years ago. I was convinced about 2 years ago that he was sleeping with her. He was always calling her and she him. She lives only about 1 mile from us so access would e easy for him. Several times I went to see if he was at the gym and sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn't. A friend of mine worked at the same place this woman did and she told me about how she was bragging that she was sleeping with a man that prefered her over his own wife. I had even heard that his sister had told him to sleep with this woman to find out if he really loved me. Alot of this stuff was heresay, I admit, but you know it really gets you thinking. He swore to me that he wasn't sleeping with her and not until now did he tell me that he had had an emotional affair with her. He comes over to bring us food and visit with our 3 year old who misses him terribly. He sits by tthe window at night waiting for daddy to come home from the "gym." He has even started having behavioral problems and seperation anxiety. I know he misses his daddy. I miss him terribly, at night it's the worse. I have been able to examine myself, who I am and who I have become and who I want to be and accomplish in my life. I have realized that I really do love him...I too had doubts that maybe I didn't, but now I see that I do. That I miss him terribly. He says that sometimes he misses me and then again sometimes he doesn't. He told me after I asked him if he ever got lonely that he sometimes cries himself to sleep....something I never imagined him doing. Maybe he'll come around, I pray he will. I guess to answer your question....things are a little better b/c we've had the opportunity to examine ourselves and our relationship, but there's a chance that he'll never come home, which doesn't make anything else better.

[Guinevere04]

I wonder if he can't think clearly with this other woman in the picture, even though he doesn't completely admit to her being an issue.

[L.Carrie]

He keeps saying that he needs to have a clear head to think, that's why he doesn't want to be here. He says he loves me but he's....confused. Too many things happened at once his mother died, his grandmother tried to take their home, his grilfriend cheated on him, he met me, moved out of his mother's house, I got pregnant, we married, bought a house, bought new cars, he had back surgery, I started working, his father was diagnosed with cancer, his sister doesn't like me, I miscarried, my family moved in with us, he had to build them a room, he left the job he had been at for 8 years, bought a motorcycle (he didn't even know how to ride, I wasn't very happy about that!), started a new job (doing the same thing), new hours so new schedule, Bills, bills and more bills.....all in 4 years and he doesn't talk much.....likes to keep things that bother him to himself. I guess now it's avalanching and he can't take it anymore. Of course I never realized all this was too much and I would get angry about his schedule, not enough time with us....with me. He wouldn't always clean up after himself and I would say something about it. I was told about all this by a friend of his on Saturday. I didn't know...he never told me.

 

I really hope things are going well with you? Is your husband making that effort? Are you? I am praying for you.

Lesly

[Guinevere04]

I guess our situations are very much alike then. We have been through a lot in the last seven years with his ex-wife, from losing a house and having no where to live, him losing his job twice with a company that he has been with for 14 years. He got his job back both times but it took 10 months the last time and it was the day before Thanksgiving when he was fired the second time and I was pregnant. he didn't want to find another job because the union kept telling him they were going to get his job back for him. We have been though a custody battle to try and get custody of his 10 year old daughter and thankfully we at least got joint custody. His daughter and I were in a terribly wreck over a year ago and she got a bad scar on her face and had to have plastic surgery and her mother keeps threatening to sue me. He has lost 3 grandparents since we have been together. My sister and her husband are going through a nasty divorce and my brother-in-law keeps trying to put us in the middle and getting my husband to take his side. So it constantly one thing after another. I still think his ex-wife is the worst part of our life. She will not leave us alone and is constantly stirring up things and making a big deal out of everything, when we do everything we can for their child. She has nothing to complain about. Anyway, I feel like outside forces have really done our marriage in. We have counseling tonight and I think I am going to ask for a separation. I don't know exactly what we will do because I don't feel right about either one of us leaving the house.

[Scott S]

I still think his ex-wife is the worst part of our life. She will not leave us alone and is constantly stirring up things and making a big deal out of everything, when we do everything we can for their child. She has nothing to complain about.

 

Has your husband consulted with his attorney about this?

[Scott S]

We have counseling tonight and I think I am going to ask for a separation. I don't know exactly what we will do because I don't feel right about either one of us leaving the house.

 

Of course, you do have to do what you feel is right. Only you can decide that. And you wouldn't necessarily need to decide today.

 

A separation doesn't mean it's the end. Yes, you'd be exiting your "comfort zone," such as it is. But with your current situation being what it is, you'll never be able to make a sensible decision about how you feel about the relationship. A properly structured separation, one with good control & open communication be the catalyst that saves the relationship.

 

If you read about the aforementioned "healing separation," you'll see that the goal is to prevent divorce, & to restore the relationship to health. The personal growth & rediscovery would hopefully also enable you to better deal with all these other issues in your lives as well.

 

It would probably not be pleasant or enjoyable, but how could it be any worse than your present situation?

[Guinevere04]

What could the attorney do about her being manipulative, angry and hateful? She (the attorney) told us it wasn't against the law to be hateful and ignorant. I have really let my husband deal with everything involving his ex over the last 6 months. I used to call and ask if we could get her for special occasions, if he wasn't able to call and things like that but now I completely leave it up to him. It's not my stuff to deal with and I guess I shouldn't have gotten involved in the beginning and left it all up to him. Sometimes I think I care more about his daughter than he does and I guess that is another area that has brought on resentment from me.

[Scott S]

What could the attorney do about her being manipulative, angry and hateful? She (the attorney) told us it wasn't against the law to be hateful and ignorant.

 

I was thinking her actions being harrassment of some kind. It's not against the law to be hateful & ignorant, of course, but if she's knowingly inflicting mental distress, anguish, etc. that would be actionable. Case law is full of suits with far less merit than this.

 

If there was some way of removing his ex as a factor for the time being, the stress level could be significantly reduced, I would think. Maybe exploring this together with your husband would preclude the need for a separation.

[Scott S]

Reading my last post, I realize my thoughts seem contradictory.

 

Yours appears to be a very confusing & complex situation, which of course you're painfully aware of. You & your husband really need to work with your counselor to find the best solution for you, as he is much more familiar with you & everything.

 

I'm only saying you need to do something. Leaving things like this will evenutally leave you either dead of a coronary or stroke, or being fitted for a straitjacket & a padded room.

[Guinevere04]

Oh yeah, ,already got the heavy-duty eye twitches and chronic daily headaches going on.

 

Thank you for your words of wisdom thus far.

[Scott S]

Thank you for your words of wisdom thus far.

 

 

Well, I hope I'm helpful.

 

I went through a very painful divorce myself about 12 years ago, an experience that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I hate to see that happen to people, or more specifically I regret the circumstances that cause people to take such an action.

 

I'm a little over 8 years into a much better 2nd marriage to a lovely, wonderful Christian woman. Even still, the bad memories resurface periodically, & unfortunately colors things in our relationship. She is quite understanding, & has forgiven more trespasses than any man deserves.

[Guinevere04]

ahh...hope for the future, even though thoughts of a second marriage makes me want to barf. I am glad you found peace and happiness.

[Scott S]

ahh...hope for the future, even though thoughts of a second marriage makes me want to barf.

 

Well, let's not think about it that way. We're trying to save & mend your present relationship. And _I_ don't think it's hopeless yet.

 

I am glad you found peace and happiness.

 

It was some time getting there, & even after all this time I still have periodic relapses. Marriages are, by nature, high-maintenance relationships, requiring a lot of effort from both partners under the best of circumstances.

 

Hope your counseling session goes well tonight. Let us know how that goes.