100% transparency

[loredo21]

for those that have reconciled with a WS and agreed on total and complete transparency did LS count? He is welcome to any and everything else. But I wasn't sure if I should add this to the list. Advice from BS or WS welcome. Hell, I don't care if OW/OM wanna input too. I'm all for suggestions.

[2sure]

I consider LS a tape of IC, so I didn't share it. He did end up reading it though, which ultimately led to a faster divorce settlement. Everything I wrote about him was true , and reading it here let him know...that I knew him inside out and I wanted to bury him.

 

So, there ya go.

[anne1707]

fWS here

 

I came to LS immediately after dday and in an absolute mess. I was all over the place. My H knew I was posting here and in the end joined the site so he could read what I had posted (all with my knowledge). I knew it would hurt him to read what I had written but I never tried to stop him. I was using LS to try and get my head straight but I also knew he needed to know and was entitled to know what I posted.

[jwi71]

for those that have reconciled with a WS and agreed on total and complete transparency did LS count? He is welcome to any and everything else. But I wasn't sure if I should add this to the list. Advice from BS or WS welcome. Hell, I don't care if OW/OM wanna input too. I'm all for suggestions.

 

In my opinion no.

 

You need to have a private place to vent and talk about him and all.

 

So...no, no need for him to know.

[ComingInHot]

I wish my H would read here More than when I show him something or read him something here.

But it makes him very angry when he reads about cheaters and some of the things they post. Pretty sure he's trying not to lump himself in with the cheaters & infidels because he'll have to then think less of himself... (by the way, I hope you all know I mean no disrespect to anyone. Just seeing it through H's eyes).

Yes folks. He is a true narcissist. He's trying very hard to change his npd behaviors and is truly remorseful about hurting me, so sorry for cheating & then getting caught, and he is prideful enough to never cheat again as it disgusts him (always has, go figure) but this disorder is some kind of twisted.

 

Anyway, LS is transparent as everything else.

If I want "privacy" I call my Mom & Dad or best girlfriends. He heads out of the room because he knows they all know and I'll be sharing EVERYTHING w/them.

 

See? I can be evil. MUUHHAAAAAAHAHAHahaha...

[seren]

H knows I post on LS, he asks why after all this time after D Day and I tell him that as time has passed, so has how I use LS. In the early days he hated that I hurt so much I 'needed' to hear how other people coped and that I needed to understand the dynamics of A's to get my head around it all. He has always been welcome to read anything I post, but he chooses not to. I can understand why someone would feel they needed a private place to vent, say it as it is, anger, curses and all and not want their partner or spouse to read some of the stuff we felt - even though IRL they will know. I wouldn't expect an IRL counsellor or friend to share my thoughts.

 

I don't see that keeping thoughts on LS private as any different from having a diary or journal. H has read a few of my posts, I have read him some posts and shared some of the more complicate situations, but TBH, he would rather not discuss A's, not his or anyone else's.

I would ask him how he feels knowing you share your thoughts on LS and go from there.

[SidLyon]

for those that have reconciled with a WS and agreed on total and complete transparency did LS count? He is welcome to any and everything else. But I wasn't sure if I should add this to the list. Advice from BS or WS welcome. Hell, I don't care if OW/OM wanna input too. I'm all for suggestions.

 

Yes my fWH knows I post here and my username. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read here of his own volition but occasionally I ask him to read a specific thread or post.

[Spark1111]

My H has all my passwords and screen names, as I have his.

 

I read to him often after DDay, all I had written, posted, as well as others.

 

it was very disillusioning to him to realize his affair, at least initially, was nothing all that special...as one after another LS poster reiteritated their affair. That kind of shocked him...how so many followed the same script, the same pattern. The same denouement.

 

he chooses not to read here, because it evokes feelings he no longer wants to revisit....too painful. but he Caniforfive he chooses to..

 

WE have no secrets from each other. And I will discuss in detail what I have posted, wha t I have learned, what I want or need to share from LS, anytime I need to.

[road]

WS 100% open

 

BS 100% open except

 

Never reveal means of finding out about the affair.

Never reveal means for making sure WS does not break NC with AP.

 

Whether LS, MB, TAM, SI the BS is never to reveal their use during the affair fighting stage. Once affair is dead. And appears that there is no false R and no breaks in NC, then I see the WS doing positive work at MB, TAM, SI.

[BetrayedH]

If you want your BS to heal faster, hide nothing. In fact, be proactive. I would tell him that you've participated in an online forum and that it's helped you through the reconciliation and then I would ask him if he wants access. He may respect your privacy in this in a similar fashion to IC or he might want to read it all. I'd give him the choice. For me, I always just wanted the truth regardless of how painful it might be to hear (or read). I needed to know the reality of my situation and what went on with my wife.

[JamesM]

I would have to say yes.

 

Personally, in my situation, I have never let my wife know I post on here. But we are not reconciling from an affair. She knows that I have researched and joined forums in general, but she doesn't know any particulars. I hide that only because I need a place to go and vent. Without LS over the past seven years, then I am not sure how I would have survived some times. Seriously.

 

But this is different from a person who has shared intimate details of an affair here. The BS should know everything including your thoughts on LS. At this point, it would only serve to help I would think.

 

I guess I would be concerned if I were you for the future. Now you have no place to go and freely vent and ask for feedback as you will always wonder if he is reading what you post.

 

As was mentioned, it can be considered an avenue of counseling. The difference is that if you went to counseling, he would know that you are attending sessions. Here he wouldn't even know that you post on LS.As was also mentioned, how would he feel if he found out that you were still holding out on him? If he thinks that you have been transparent and yet he finds that you are still hiding LS, won't he wonder if you are hiding something else too?

 

I wonder if you could approach this so that you reveal LS but ask that he respects the privacy without him thinking that you are hiding anything. Mention that this is a form of counseling for you and it helped you realize how you needed to leave your affair and reconcile with him. You would ask if he could respect the privacy of that counseling and trust that nothing on LS will hurt your reconciliation.

 

I don't know, but if I were him, then I know that I would feel hurt if you kept LS from me and then told me later...or I found out later. It would hurt that rebuilding of the trust bond. I would be more understanding of the above idea than with no mention. But honestly, I would still wonder why you would hide anything if your goal is 100% transparency. If he had been here as a BS, then I could say that he could keep it private, but you as the WS...that is different.

 

As LFH said, those are my thoughts and not necessarily what is best for you.

[carhill]

for those that have reconciled with a WS and agreed on total and complete transparency did LS count? He is welcome to any and everything else. But I wasn't sure if I should add this to the list. Advice from BS or WS welcome. Hell, I don't care if OW/OM wanna input too. I'm all for suggestions.

We ended up divorcing but, indeed, LS was part of transparency during the MC process, as well as proactive transparency about other interactions with my fMW. My exW's phrase to describe LS was 'that stupid forum'. Heard by my ears in MC. 100%

[loredo21]

oh he knows that there is an LS. he knows that i have found a forum online with people that have been through what we are going through and i share with him a lot of the advice i get. i just wasn't sure if he should have access to read everything i post. (me thinking of this as more of my IC and journal-ish). thanks guys. I will ask him what he thinks. he may let me have this one thing.

[SmokeRat]

I've let me wife know that I post on a forum of like minded people, to help me vent. But I've never led her to LS.

 

She's has robbed us (not only me), of trust, love, compassion, loyalty and honesty.

 

LS is the one place I can come to and vent without feeling horrible. As much as I know I need IC, I feel sometimes, that LS is a far more effective tool for IC.

Edited March 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nofool4u]

fWS here

 

I came to LS immediately after dday and in an absolute mess. I was all over the place. My H knew I was posting here and in the end joined the site so he could read what I had posted (all with my knowledge). I knew it would hurt him to read what I had written but I never tried to stop him. I was using LS to try and get my head straight but I also knew he needed to know and was entitled to know what I posted.

 

No offense, but I have to just wonder what your husband thought when you posted that you wanted to be with the OM and that the only reason, really, that you didn't leave your H is that your OM was messing around with someone else too. Otherwise you would have ran to him, as you indicated in your very first posts.

 

I just wonder if your husband ever felt he was the failsafe and not the 1st choice then. No offense to him, and also this should be on topic because it deals with the transparency and how your H handled it.

[loredo21]

No offense, but I have to just wonder what your husband thought when you posted that you wanted to be with the OM and that the only reason, really, that you didn't leave your H is that your OM was messing around with someone else too. Otherwise you would have ran to him, as you indicated in your very first posts.

 

I just wonder if your husband ever felt he was the failsafe and not the 1st choice then. No offense to him, and also this should be on topic because it deals with the transparency and how your H handled it.

 

i'd be curious to see the results of these types of scenarios as well. While I initially came to LS because my heart was aching for exMOM, I rather quickly came to my senses. And H already knows everything I ever felt about our marriage at this time because I was very open with him. I didn't know what I wanted and R was the farthest thing from my mind for a long while.

[2sure]

Maybe to some people it is a " stupid forum" , and certainly anyone posting or reading needs to sift though it...but for me, This is as close to full honest disclosure I can get, even to myself...it has got me through it and makes a difference. I just don't have the capacity to be this transparent in real life. So, that might be stupid, but I'm not here for anyone's benefit but my own.

[underwater2010]

I don't hide anything....he is free to check whatever he wants. And I wasn't even the one who cheated. I have also seen on other sites were both spouses post and know each others usernames. That being said, I think that you have to be 100% honest with your spouse in order for them to read what you have posted.

[waterwoman]

H knows I post on relationship forums about the affair. He has never looked. I asked him last night if he wanted too have my user and password. He said no - it's my space to vent and get advice.

[Spark1111]

Maybe to some people it is a " stupid forum" , and certainly anyone posting or reading needs to sift though it...but for me, This is as close to full honest disclosure I can get, even to myself...it has got me through it and makes a difference. I just don't have the capacity to be this transparent in real life. So, that might be stupid, but I'm not here for anyone's benefit but my own.

 

I sent my IC here and another site on the web because while he was compassionate, I wanted to make sure he got it and got me while I was going through it all.

 

My full on press for ALL the details somewhat perplexed him as of course it would be painful, but I instinctively knew I would have to have them to heal.

 

I hope he learned as much as I did.

[anne1707]

fWS here

 

I came to LS immediately after dday and in an absolute mess. I was all over the place. My H knew I was posting here and in the end joined the site so he could read what I had posted (all with my knowledge). I knew it would hurt him to read what I had written but I never tried to stop him. I was using LS to try and get my head straight but I also knew he needed to know and was entitled to know what I posted.

 

No offense, but I have to just wonder what your husband thought when you posted that you wanted to be with the OM and that the only reason, really, that you didn't leave your H is that your OM was messing around with someone else too. Otherwise you would have ran to him, as you indicated in your very first posts.

 

I just wonder if your husband ever felt he was the failsafe and not the 1st choice then. No offense to him, and also this should be on topic because it deals with the transparency and how your H handled it.

 

Apart from the fact that you are only remembering what you want to remember from when I joined LS (a full three years before you joined LS), please re-read my original post in this thread where I clearly stated I was not 100% about where I was/what I wanted.

[nofool4u]

Apart from the fact that you are only remembering what you want to remember from when I joined LS (a full three years before you joined LS), please re-read my original post in this thread where I clearly stated I was not 100% about where I was/what I wanted.

 

Of course you weren't, AFTER you realized you weren't the OM's only thing on the side.

 

Sorry, you said it yourself that you were wanting to leave your H for OM, but then found out OM was messing around.

 

No offense meant, just wondered if your H realized that and if he did how he reacted to knowing the current state of things would have been different if OM only had you.

Edited March 8, 2013 by nofool4u

[anne1707]

Of course you weren't, AFTER you realized you weren't the OM's only thing on the side.

 

Sorry, you said it yourself that you were wanting to leave your H for OM, but then found out OM was messing around.

 

No offense meant, just wondered if your H realized that and if he did how he reacted to knowing the current state of things would have been different if OM only had you.

 

Oh, I so believe you. Not.

 

I know you don't like me. I know you don't believe me. I know you don't respect me.

 

Do you want to know what else I know?

 

It's all your problem, not mine.

 

You are so very wrong because you can only see things from your perspective. Truth is that your perspective is not the be all and end all. You are not as right as you like to think you are.

 

My H sees me. He hears me. He knows me. He is the one I answer to. Not you.

[nofool4u]

Believe what you want.

 

I'm going by what you posted on here and you did post that you were ready to be with the OM and you would have left your husband, but then you found out OM had another woman.

 

Sorry, but thats your story and you wrote it. I'm sure for some reason your husband, if he knew that was true, decided to stay, and for that you are very lucky.

 

I just would like to know what is going through a man's mind if he knew that his wife is only there today because the OM 2 timed her. And in the context of this thread, I wonder if that was part of the 100% transparency and what a H thought if he knew the truth about why his wife is still around. My guess is he still loved you and wanted to be with you, even though he might know that you are only there because OM wasn't an option after what you found out.

Edited March 11, 2013 by nofool4u

[anne1707]

Believe what you want.

 

And you will obviously believe what you want to believe to suit your own agenda. The difference is that I know what happened to me. You are just putting your interpretation on what you have read THREE YEARS PLUS AFTER THE EVENTS

 

I'm going by what you posted on here and you did post that you were ready to be with the OM and you would have left your husband, but then you found out OM had another woman.

 

Wrong. I ended it with the exOM and only after that did he start seeing someone else. I am not denying that I was flip-flopping but I can also remember posting that at one time I was saying things to the exOM and I knew whilst I said them that I did not mean them. I also admit that flip-flopping was primarily because of my jealousy/fear of losing my ability to continue eating cake when I found out he was seeing someone else.

 

Sorry, but thats your story and you wrote it. I'm sure for some reason your husband, if he knew that was true, decided to stay, and for that you are very lucky.

 

Again. As per topic of this thread. My H, Wuggle, joined this site and read my posts. He knows what I have posted here. He knows what I have told him. He knows the truth, not the story you want to tell.

 

I just would like to know what is going through a man's mind if he knew that his wife is only there today because the OM 2 timed her. And in the context of this thread, I wonder if that was part of the 100% transparency and what a H thought if he knew the truth about why his wife is still around.

 

Gawd. This is getting so boring. My H does know the truth. You just refuse to believe that because it does not fit in with the perspective you want to twist fWS in to.

 

 

My guess is he still loved you and wanted to be with you, even though he might know that you are only there because OM wasn't an option after what you found out.

 

Have you any idea how ridiculous a suggestion this is! He is with me because he loves me and I love him. He is with me because he wants to be with me and I want to be with him. If he had thought for one moment that he was second choice, he would have kicked me out. Simple as that.

 

Oh by the way. he has even seen this thread. Not that you will believe that either.