Is this abuse? If not, what is it? (my mother)

[vacant77]

I feel as if I was abused by my mom, but I don't know what it could really be considered...

 

For as long as I can remember, when she'd get mad at me, she'd grab me by the jaw, pinching her fingers into the sides of my face, and pin me against the wall, screaming at me. If I tried struggling out of her grip, she'd tighten her grip and yell at me. If I continued to struggle, she'd smack me in the face. If I tried blocking her hits, she'd pin my arms against the wall and scream at me, as if I was expected to stand there and not attempt to protect myself. I finally put an end to this when I was around 17... I was so fed up with her doing this all my life, so after she hit me the first time, I hit her back. She was furious, and I think a little bit taken back and frightened by it. She realized I wasn't a child anymore, and I was now big enough to hurt her. She hasn't laid a hand on me since.

 

When I was in about 5th grade, I found a voice recorder in our house and played the tape. I heard myself and my mom talking. Over the next few months my brother and I realized that my mom had been hiding voice recorders: in her car to record our conversations when she picked us up from school, and in random places in our house when she wasn't home. I don't know if she thought my brother and I were talking about her or what.

 

When I was in about 5th or 6th grade, my mom started snooping through my things, and on a very extreme level. This continued, and worsened as I went through high school. Every time I took a shower, I'd hear her go upstairs to my room, heard my dresser drawers opening and closing, heard her walking around. She'd also do this every time I left the house - I'd notice that my belongings were moved or missing. Once I even caught her going through my laundry while it was in the washer.

 

She also put a keylogger on my computer so she could track my every move, read all of my online conversations with friends. Once she printed about 25 pages of them out, highlighted any mention of her or my family, and yelled at me about it. She then insisted that I tell everyone I said anything negative about her to that I was lying. She sat by the computer next to me, made me log on, and watched me tell them that I had made it all up. Anything that painted our family in a less-than-perfect light was a "lie," no matter how true it was.

 

When I was a teenager, I was kind of lanky. I was a vegetarian, and got a lot of exercise (didn't have a car - walked everywhere). My mom insisted that I had an eating disorder. She threatened to send me to a nearby inpatient facility if I didn't gain weight. She eventually tricked me into going to my doctor, telling me I needed a physical because we got new insurance (we didn't). The Dr. walks in and starts talking to me about eating disorders - my mom had called her and told her I had one. I was infuriated. Add to that, a few years later I came across an ID my mom had when she was high school... same height as me, weighed 5lb less than I did when I was supposedly "too thin" and "needed help."

 

I spent a lot of time in my room when I was in high school. A lot of people were drinking, experimenting with drugs or sex, etc. and that made me uncomfortable. I felt like I wasn't ready for these things, so I often preferred spending time alone. One day, I got home from school, and my mom talked with me about my day, her day, random upbeat conversation for 1/2 hour. I go upstairs to find that my bedroom door has been removed from the hinges, and is propped up next to my closet. She didn't mention doing it or why for the 1/2 hour I talked to her about other things. She apparently wanted me to confront her, so I did. She said I spent too much time in my room with the door shut, so it was gone.

 

When I was in high school, my mom followed me. I remember one time I told her I was going to a friend's house (about a mile from mine), which I was. After a few hours, we decided to walk over to another friend's house a block away. While walking there, my mom suddenly pulls up next to us and yelled at me to get in the car. She screamed at me for not being where I said I was going. I told her I was there the whole time - we were just them walking a block away to grab some pizza a friend had ordered. She didn't believe me. I asked her why she was driving around (for who knows how long!), and she said because she "knew" I was lying about where I was going.

 

Also when I was in high school, my mom found out about a drinking party some kids I knew from school were having. I was never planning on going, I wasn't even invited - I was known as the lame-o who didn't drink. She called the police and reported the party, they got busted. The mother of one of the kids worked for the police department, and therefore had access to info about the "anonymous" call and let her son know the phone number that called in the report. It was my home phone number. So, they were reported by someone from my number and I wasn't at the party = they all thought I did it. This led to a massive amount of harassment at school, as well people calling my house, verbally threatening to harm me physically. They also drove by my house yelling these threats. My mom reacted by pulling me out of school and home-schooling me. This was miserable. I didn't have any friends anymore, no contact with anyone, and I missed driver's ed - so I ended up going to a private driving school and getting my license nearly 2 years late.

 

My mom believes she is the perfect parent. She refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong, and claims that everything she has done has been for the purpose of "being a good parent." I tell her the things she has done aren't normal, and that I don't know of anyone's parents who would do these things, and she says "well, then they aren't good parents." I feel that she is deep in denial, and downright delusional about how things really are, how she really is.

 

I was not a troubled child or teenager. I've never done drugs, I was never promiscuous. I tried a few drags off of a cigarette when I was 20 (such a rebel, I know ). I first got drunk when I was 19 (not legal, but I wasn't 12 or anything). I lost my virginity at 20, after dating the guy for 6 months... we've now been together 4 years now and are engaged. I've always been a fairly responsible person. She had no reason to suspect that I was up to anything inappropriate. On top of how my mom has treated me, I am developing a great deal of resentment towards my father as I get older and think about my past more. Though he has never yelled at me or laid a hand on me - HE NEVER STOPPED MY MOM. Never told her what she was doing was

wrong. Nothing. Just let her do these bizarre things. It hurts that he didn't protect me.

 

I had some traumatic things happen outside of this. My one brother sexually abused me when I was younger. My other brother was 9 years older than me, a drug addict, and stole/pawned my belongings from the time I was 8, as well as has been verbally abusive for as far back as I can remember. My mom knows about the things my brothers have done. She does not want to believe my brother sexually abused me. She has witnessed the verbal abuse and theft of my other brother, yet tells me I need to "be an adult" and forgive him. He pulls the "but I'm your brother" card, as if being related to someone permits you to be as horrible as you want towards them, and they should be okay with it.

 

I am now 24 years old, engaged, and house-shopping. I don't want a shower. I don't want a wedding. I don't want to celebrate this part of my life with people who have treated me this poorly. My mom is "toned down" and friendly when my fiancee is around, but he says after the 2nd time he met her he could tell she had some serious issues. I plan to sort of back away from my family when we get our own house. We've already decided that my brother will never be allowed in our home, because he is so disrespectful towards me and will likely steal from us. The more we talk about my family, the more I feel as if our home should be our oasis - anyone who has caused us a lot of grief doesn't have a place in it. Is this wrong?

Edited March 1, 2013 by vacant77

[KraftDinner]

Your mother is a sick woman.

 

Yes, this is abuse.

[JourneyLady]

Not only is it abuse, but with those extremes I am certain she is also mentally ill and needs treatment. Makes me wonder if she was raised like that too - or just the opposite.

[Lani]

Distancing yourself from your mother, and other toxic people in your life is not wrong.

Do not feel guilty for a second.

 

For someone who has been through what you have, you sound like you have your head screwed on. And you have a loving fiance. Your life is moving on, and let that happen without the torments of your past. Leave them behind as much as possible and enjoy what life has to offer you now.

[CC12]

Not only did your mother abuse you, almost every member of your immediate family did, as well. Your brothers probably learned it from your mother.

 

The more we talk about my family, the more I feel as if our home should be our oasis - anyone who has caused us a lot of grief doesn't have a place in it. Is this wrong?

 

No, actually, I think that's a great idea. I'd suggest not even telling any of them where you live. It will take some maneuvering, but it's doable. You deserve a chance at living in a happy home for once.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, Vacant77!

 

I'm terribly sorry to hear what has happened and what has been happening to you! Like others have said, it is remarkable that you have managed to live through such horrible abuse and come out so great!

 

It's great that you are engaged & looking for a house, and I'm especially glad that you are aware that what they did to you was something really bad and that you are looking to protect yourself and your future family from them! I've heard of people who have grown up in similar circumstances and have lost themselves in drugs, alcohol, prostitution,..., so I hope you are/will be proud of yourself for doing so great:)

 

Yes, what has happened to you was abuse from all members of your family - sexual, physical, emotional/psychological! Not only by your mother and brothers, but also by your father, who, as you have pointed out, didn't protect you and thus enabled them to hurt you.

 

It is very important in my opinion that you set boundaries with your "family" (to be honest, I'm so disgusted by what they did to you that I'm reluctant to call them "family", because I don't think they deserve to be called that...)!

 

What boundaries should you set (talking to them once a month on the phone, meeting once a month, telling or not telling them where you live etc.) is something that will require a lot of consideration from you, and I guess in the long run will also be affected by how they treat you in the future, especially if they (one or more) will be able to admit their horrible actions and put effort into mending the consequences of their actions (as much as it will be possible).

 

So I would advise you:

1.) Keep communicating with your fiance about this -> it will make you and your relationship stronger.

 

Also if you have some close friends - when it will be tough for you, it will help that your friends will be able to talk to you about this, to comfort you and also to cheer you up.

 

2.) Try to seek help of a therapist/counsellor! I think this is crucial!

 

The level of abuse you have suffered is incredible, and he/she will be able to help you to minimize the hurt they've caused, set boundaries with them, help you to live normally, to not let your future thoughts/actions be negatively affected by the traumas they've caused.

 

And perhaps somewhere down the line, if you will want to give them a second chance and if they will want to atone for their horrendous acts, they could join you in (some) sessions with your counsellor.

 

Therapy has helped me a lot...

 

3.) Contact support groups, especially those that have experience/specialize in domestic abuse and sexual abuse!

 

This is especially important if you can't afford a therapist at the moment, because support from people who have been through similar things will help you greatly. And they can also give you advice which therapist to go to.

 

Also, I think in many countries/states there are free phone hot lines where a person can call to talk about their problems.

 

4.) Try to read literature from this area. I would strongly recommend reading the book Toxic parents by Susan Forward (you can also read it online on http://salardayuni.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/susan-forward-toxic-parents.pdf), and also Families and how to survive them” by Skynner.

 

Especially the first book will be, I hope, really helpful. I experienced abuse in my family (not as severe as yours, but it was hard for me to admit to myself that this happened) and this book is at the moment helping me to cope with it. At times it is painful to read, but in the long run it helps...

 

5.) Perhaps try some yoga, meditation or some other relaxation/peace-of-mind technique...

 

6.) This is something that works for me, though I'm not sure how it works for others.

 

- let yourself express your anger and other emotions! Don't keep them bottled up, but also don't wallow in them! Express them with the goal of letting the bad energy out of your system. It depends on each individual what's best for her/him, so try to see what makes you feel best. I tried different thing -> screaming and shouting obscenities in my car , punching my pillow (or going to the gym to punch bags there), exercising my anger out etc.

 

- at the moment, what I'm doing also is trying to write negative things down. First of all, I write down all the fears and uncertainties that you have. Then I burn that piece(s) of paper and flush the remains down the toilet. Be careful to not burn yourself or stuff:) Also write down and that have hurt me and made me feel bad in the past (also stuff from your childhood, if you have time). Burn that. Also, imagine in your head what you want to say or do to the people that have hurt you in your life (try to imagine their response as well). If you're like me and it's hard for you to imagine that, write down what you want to say/do to them. Then, burn the paper and flush.

 

 

This is starting to be a long post, so I'll stop now and will write more later if you'll want to.

 

I really really really hope you will continue to be happy and to work on resolving with your past! And I look forward to hearing more from you, and whenever you will hit a bump on the road, we’ll be here to help you as much as we’ll be able to!

 

Best wishes:)

Edited March 1, 2013 by Calvin's wagon
added formatting

[vacant77]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I first started to really analyze all of this yesterday, after an argument with my mom in which some of her twisted ways of thinking were made very clear. Since I've posted, I've recalled even more bizarre, abusive incidents from my past.

 

I think I've always felt abused by my mom, but she has always insisted that she was "doing what was best" for me. She definitely played the martyr, tear-filled eyes and all, "after all I've done for you!". I believe this made me feel guilty for thinking her behavior was inappropriate.

 

Calvin's wagon - Thank so much for the tips and reading suggestions! Oddly enough, whenever someone says anything inappropriate to me, I automatically respond by saying, "what?" or "excuse me?" and I have noticed how it tends to stop people in their tracks. They often don't have the nerve to repeat their nonsense.

 

I just scanned through some of "Toxic Parents" and oh wow, The Controller/The Helper is my mom. She ALWAYS claims she's "just trying to help." If I get angry with her and tell her to stop, she becomes livid and says things such as "oh, no thank you Mom, but thank you for offering", as if that is how I should respond to her ridiculously overbearing behavior. She says she "couldn't live with herself" if anything ever happened to me because she didn't protect or warn me. She has made me feel like a child, made me feel as though she thinks I'm incapable of looking after myself. I'm a grown woman, I've always been very independent (which she has always hated), and I think I've turned out quite well despite my environment.

 

My fiance is currently in therapy for issues caused by his parents. I think through discussing his therapy sessions, I've been realizing that my childhood was indeed very unhealthy. It's a little bit overwhelming to see it all for it is, instead of what it was made out to be. I have a great deal of anxiety issues, panic attacks, depression, low self-esteem, the inability to trust - all of which are no doubt related to my upbringing. He wants me to see a therapist as well, but I don't have insurance. He suggested we get married very soon, so he can put me on his insurance. Until then, support groups and hotlines do seem like a good place for me to start.

 

My fiance suggested that part of my mom's issue may be extreme OCD. She's a bit of a germaphobe, constantly worries needlessly, has a tendency to hoard things, and checks everything constantly. Whenever she loses anything, she starts rifling through the garbage, before she mails anything, she'll have to re-open it to make sure she didn't forget anything, etc. Constant worry, constant panic, constant checking. She seems rather paranoid and lives in a very manic state - talks constantly and very fast, is constantly on the move, cannot sit still, and seems unable to remain quiet for more than a few seconds.

 

I'd love to get her some help one day, but I honestly cannot see her ever coming to terms with what she has done. She'll never admit it to herself, as she is "the perfect parent."

[Janesays]

If you ever had a child, would you feel comfortable with it being exposed to your mother and brother? If the answer to that question is "no" then you should not expose YOURSELF to them. Cut them out now and completely. Never look back.

[2sunny]

Yes, it's abusive and controlling.

 

Yes, you can change it. You can not interact with them... Or get counseling to help you set a very tight, solid and healthy boundary for yourself!

 

If and when you do have contact with any of them - its important to make yourself VERY clear to THEM what you will and won't tolerate!

 

We train people how to treat us - you will need to retrain them IF you continue any communication with them.

 

There are things you CAN say and DO to change it - you can now have a voice and speak your truth. They may not like it - but that makes no difference - you need to get to a place where you no longer betray yourself by going along with their perspective/lies and cover up!

 

It will take courage and strength... And I hope you will persevere against all odds.

 

Take care and know YOU CAN CHANGE THIS and move forward to be happy.

[Msrxchef]

I think the major reason why you feel conflicted on this is because you value family so much but don't understand why your mother or brother treated you that way. You believe in a fairer life and that's acceptable because your past was unacceptable. Following you around like that means she doesnt trust you and doing things that will mess up your relationships with others is abusive. You hate your dad for not helping? Thats fine. Because you should. Does he feel the same way though and is just trying to be a dad and keep his family together? Oh and forget your brother. That behavior is abusive and unacceptable. No one needs to have a shower or wedding to be happily married. Get married if you think you'll be happier with your other one versus having a crappy but visually perfect wedding. ultimately up to you.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi Vacant77,

 

I was glad to see the strength, resolve and many other positive things that shone through your post! As you said, I also think (from what you've written) that you turned remarkably well despite your environment.

 

I like that you found some helpful stuff in that book. At times it's quite hard to read and recognize your family in what's written, but in the long run it's better.

 

Uff, the behaviour that you describe, it's really toxic. And really reminiscent of my mom... What you said about her not liking your independence, I can understand. For toxic parents, especially the helpers, independence of their kids/victims "threatens" them. And as with you, I was also for a long time feeling guilty whenever I thought that maybe sth was wrong with my family's behaviour. (I don't know if it helps when I write that sth from your post reminds me of my situation - I don't want to hog the thread, it's just in my experience it helps people with difficult situations to see there are others who are/have been through similar stuff. Let me know if it bothers you:)).

 

Even though I'd of course prefer that your fiance didn't have problems, I'm trying to look on the bright side of stuff and think that since he is also coping with stuff, it will be much easier for him to understand what you're going through, and both of you will be good support for each other!

 

I'm sad to hear of the situation with insurance. I hope it will get better! I'm just thinking out loud (I'm not sure what his insurance covers, how many sessions does he have etc.), but perhaps there might be a chance that his therapist would agree that you can participate in at least a couple of sessions with him (and for formal reason he could invoke the "problems are causing problems in my relationship" card)? Again, I'm not advocating any kind of insurance fraud (even though I come from the legal field), but if it's legal and the therapist agrees, it might be worth thinking about.

 

I also hope that perhaps there are some therapists that do a certain amount of “pro bono” work (I know that’s the case in some countries), and perhaps that’s one avenue worth exploring. Maybe you can also get advice from the hotlines and support groups, or from some of your friends who have gone through similar problems.

 

I’m sure that your mom has a lot of issues of her own, probably also stemming from her family/parents, but yes, now it’s imperative to focus on yourself. If she decides to seek help, great, but your progress will be independent of that...

 

Btw, may I ask about your father? Have you ever talked to him about this? Or other members of the extended family (aunts etc.)?

 

And one more question - does your brother (that sexually abused you...) have contact with other, weaker persons? I strongly recommend reading the part in “toxic parents” or some other book aboout sexual abuse...

 

Anyway, we’re here to help you as much as we can! To listen to you, to answer your questions, to give advice, to share our stories, you name it, we’ll try to help:) If i missed any questions in your post, let us know.

 

I’m looking forward to hearing more from you, because it’s nice to hear from someone who is as strong and optimistic as you are, and is, despite everything, in a good place in life:)

 

Till then, best regards:)

[Radu]

I don't think you wrote anything in your OP that was NOT abuse.

 

I don't usually post without actually reading the other posts made by both the OP and the other posters, but i did it this time.

You might want to look into PD's [personality disorders], here's a link :

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

You should also speak to a therapist about this, and to your fiance as well.

It is quite likely that there will be residual stuff in your mind, the kind of stuff that can ruin relationships later.

The fact that you made this post now ... is very good for your future.

 

Great thing spotting the truth about your dad.

That he's an enabler, and enablers are almost as guilty as the abuser.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Radu