Dilemma: To see him or not to see him?

[J_L_C]

I had a fantastic year long relationship with a guy who changed my entire life. I've had many relationships, including ones that were more long-term than this, but he was THE ONE.

 

He broke up with me 7 months ago. At first he couldn't communicate the reason, but eventually some things came out. He said there were little things I did that annoyed him. Then he said over the course of the past 3-weeks together, his feelings just changed, but he couldn't attribute it to anything specific. Basically I determined he just fell out of love with me. This totally baffles me, even 7 months later based on how strong we were as a couple. I should also mention that the night before he broke the news, I couldn't forsee that ANYTHING was wrong. He acted the same way, was affectionate, still told me he loved me, and we were also planning some activities that were weeks down the road, etc. It completely blindsided me.

 

Moving along, we'd been in contact for 6 months since the breakup--mostly at my hand. Of course I did the typical things: begged, pleaded, cried, demanded answers and why we couldn't try a second time around. His answers never changed and he stood firm on his decision. He was VERY GOOD about taking all of my calls, returning all of my messages and agreeing to meet with me when I needed to see him. Throughtout the 6 months, however, he had been requesting space and distance. He got frustrated and annoyed with me MANY times.

 

Afterwards, with the space I finally ended up giving him, he explained that we could possibly work on a friendship--something I'm not interested in at all I should say. We weren't friends before we started dating, so we definitely can't be friends now.

 

It's been a month of NC...until a few days ago. I received an email from him explaining he still had some of my things and he was trying to figure out the best way to return them. Mail? Drop off? Or meet and catch up a little? All of his suggestions.

 

Now here is where I need a little bit of help. Of course I would LOVE to see him and grab a drink. I'm cautious about it though. I know it will be tough for me after seeing him, because I still have feelings. But on the other hand, I may regret the opportunity to be able to see him if he mails or drops my things off. I'm still so hopeful that he may come around...some day. I believe that in order for two people to even contemplate a second round, they need to be able to see each other face-to-face. This way they can determine if there is still a spark or anything left at all. People have given me advice on both sides of this argument: A. In order to get a second chance, you need to physically be in each other's company so that things have an opportunity to develop naturally OR...B. Don't see each other. It will hurt because you still have feelings and he doesn't. If he ever changes his mind, he'll come and around and HE will find YOU.

 

What do you think? Should I meet up with him or not?

[destroyed4sho]

Reading your other post...F*** NO!

Noooo...he is NOT THE ONE so dont even.think that AGAIN. He did you a FAVOR. The only reason you should.meet wih him is to tell him Thanks for breaking up with me it was the best thing that happened to.me!!

He left you for another girl, got turned on by hurting you, told you to f off. Not the one. Pls fight for yourself and not for this already broke down past relationship.

Tell him to mail it and a thanks.

[J_L_C]

That's likely what I'll end up doing--asking him to mail it back to me. I have a feeling the only reason he suggesting "catching up" and returning my things in person, is because he thinks he can get a little nookie. I was stupid at the beginning of the split and was sleeping with him here and there, but it's been awhile now and I don't want to go back to that. I don't really think he has any 'genuine' interest in catching up. He often talks about a 'possible friendship' down the road. He doesn't want to 'completely' lose me from his life.

 

I guess the only thing I'm struggling with is this: If he had second thoughts and wanted to work things out, I would at least listen. I don't know whether I would want to try again, but if there's a possibility of something, I would at least hear him out. If I don't see him though, this will never happen. He's an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of guy. I feel as though I'd be giving away any possible chance of even developing an 'amicable' relationship should I choose not to see him. He may also think that I'm playing games and by not agreeing to meet up, I may be perceived as 'passive aggressive'. If that's what he ends up thinking, he will make sure to never contact me again. That's just how he is.

 

I'm still hung up over all of this because of the abrupt halt to our relationship. I would at least like a conversation about it all. At that point, I could finally walk away.

[cavalier99]

The only reason you still hung up is that you didn't go NC 7 months ago. I mean if he hast come back already in all this time (and he wont) what is one more meeting going to do except set you back again. You need to stop this and completely go hardcore NC. Otherwise you'll never heal.

 

The only opportunity you are blowing by not seeing him is the chance to recover. Good luck! Cav

[cavalier99]

Oh. I just read your other thread.

 

NO WAY SHOULD YOU EVER SEE OR TALK TO THIS GUY AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE.

 

AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS.

 

I'm surprised your even considering seeing him and are worried about a second chance. You really need to get some self respect back. Do you like being treated this way? He isn't going to go back to the way you remember him. That person is gone and probably never existed.

[Simon Phoenix]

You need your head examined if you truly believe this guy is "The One". He's awful.

[destroyed4sho]

That's likely what I'll end up doing--asking him to mail it back to me. I have a feeling the only reason he suggesting "catching up" and returning my things in person, is because he thinks he can get a little nookie. I was stupid at the beginning of the split and was sleeping with him here and there, but it's been awhile now and I don't want to go back to that. I don't really think he has any 'genuine' interest in catching up. He often talks about a 'possible friendship' down the road. He doesn't want to 'completely' lose me from his life.

 

I guess the only thing I'm struggling with is this: If he had second thoughts and wanted to work things out, I would at least listen. I don't know whether I would want to try again, but if there's a possibility of something, I would at least hear him out. If I don't see him though, this will never happen. He's an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of guy. I feel as though I'd be giving away any possible chance of even developing an 'amicable' relationship should I choose not to see him. He may also think that I'm playing games and by not agreeing to meet up, I may be perceived as 'passive aggressive'. If that's what he ends up thinking, he will make sure to never contact me again. That's just how he is.

 

I'm still hung up over all of this because of the abrupt halt to our relationship. I would at least like a conversation about it all. At that point, I could finally walk away.

 

Did he tell you that he was having 2nd thoughts and wants to talk to you about it??? I thought not.....so why are you worried about it????

He is gone, its already done!! Its been 7 months...He does NOT want you back.

The reason he wants to be your friend is to fill some type of need. In your case, sounds like it is sex. You need to stop this behavior, your torturing yourself.

2nd rounds are not worth it, and in your case, DEFINITELY not.

You have such hope, i feel you. We have all been thru this but I know how horrible the feelig is when you hope for something but it never comes. I went thru it for 4 months.

 

Your hanging on to hope by a thread and you know it. Youneed to let go so you can land on your feet. Let go! If you are too afraid, just stay NC and it will do the work for you.

Get out of this torture chamber NOW. I know the saying is cheesy and overused but truly you dodged a bullet here.

[J_L_C]

I feel to a degree that it's partly my fault for some of the reactions and behavior on his part. He wanted space and distance from the start, but because of the abrupt nature of our split, I couldnt let go. Thus I sort of 'get' why he was annoyed with me: telling me to eff-off, that he doesn't love me anymore and wants me to leave him alone...but the other stuff too?? (if you read my other thread you'll see some of the other things he did).

 

I'm glad I've been NC for the past month. But there's still that thought in the back of my head that if I had just walked away like he asked at the beginning, I would never know he could act the way he did and treat me the way he has. So maybe I did indeed drive him to it in a small way.

 

Also, he sent me a brief email just in regard to returning our things. When I tell him to mail it, I'd like to say it in a way that doesn't make me still appear to be hooked on him. I also don't want to be cold or seem to be acting in a passive-aggressive manner. Do you have any suggestions for how I could say it?

[destroyed4sho]

I feel to a degree that it's partly my fault for some of the reactions and behavior on his part. He wanted space and distance from the start, but because of the abrupt nature of our split, I couldnt let go. Thus I sort of 'get' why he was annoyed with me: telling me to eff-off, that he doesn't love me anymore and wants me to leave him alone...but the other stuff too?? (if you read my other thread you'll see some of the other things he did).

 

I'm glad I've been NC for the past month. But there's still that thought in the back of my head that if I had just walked away like he asked at the beginning, I would never know he could act the way he did and treat me the way he has. So maybe I did indeed drive him to it in a small way.

 

Also, he sent me a brief email just in regard to returning our things. When I tell him to mail it, I'd like to say it in a way that doesn't make me still appear to be hooked on him. I also don't want to be cold or seem to be acting in a passive-aggressive manner. Do you have any suggestions for how I could say it?

 

Say "I would like for you to mail it. Thx.". And thats it.

Who the heck cares what he thinks?! Did he care when he broke up with you and jerked of when u were crying? C'mon please!

 

No you didnt drive him away, ...those are all your thoughts trying to gain some control of the situation and reasoning with yourself why this happened. Nothing on this thread is really sinking in with you. Your hope is so strong that its clouding reality. We have all been there, its going to take time to squash that hope. But staying NC will clear that cloud and eventually you will be able to see him clearly for who he really is.

[J_L_C]

My hope is that I will eventually be able to see this whole situation in an objective manner. I know it's not "normal" to be hung up on someone for 7 months. He wasn't even hung up on it for a day! Yet I still cry every single day, think about him all through the day and can't stop clinging to the idea that maybe, just maybe, he'll open his eyes to what we had somewhere down the road. I definitely do NOT want another relationship. Probably ever actually. It's not worth going through this pain. I got nothing except hurt, tears and trust issues now.

[J_L_C]

Say "I would like for you to mail it. Thx.". And thats it.

Who the heck cares what he thinks?! Did he care when he broke up with you and jerked of when u were crying? C'mon please!.

 

I'm still torn. Part of me just wants to blow him off and tell him to mail it. BUUUUT...part of me also wants to face him. Here's why: Every other time we've met up I've either been in tears, begging and pleading, OR I was a complete idiot and slept with him. I'd FINALLY like the opportunity to show him I have myself together, not grovel at his feet and sure as hell not succumb to any sexual advances. For once, I need to show him that I'm strong and have made some substantial gains since we last saw each other.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm still torn. Part of me just wants to blow him off and tell him to mail it. BUUUUT...part of me also wants to face him. Here's why: Every other time we've met up I've either been in tears, begging and pleading, OR I was a complete idiot and slept with him. I'd FINALLY like the opportunity to show him I have myself together, not grovel at his feet and sure as hell not succumb to any sexual advances. For once, I need to show him that I'm strong and have made some substantial gains since we last saw each other.

 

Have you though? I'm not trying to be mean, I just don't see it.

[J_L_C]

In regard to my previous reply: I'd FINALLY like the opportunity to show him I have myself together, not grovel at his feet and sure as hell not succumb to any sexual advances. For once, I need to show him that I'm strong and have made some substantial gains since we last saw each other.

I've definitely made strides in comparison to where I was before. I no longer feel like falling at his feet and grovelling like a desperate something or other. I also won't lower myself to 'ex-sex' that he expected all the time. These are things I actually have made gains in. I'd like for the chance to see him face-to-face and show him that I've grown past the point at which he saw me last. I'm just torn because I don't want it to set me back after seeing him.

[Simon Phoenix]

In regard to my previous reply: I'd FINALLY like the opportunity to show him I have myself together, not grovel at his feet and sure as hell not succumb to any sexual advances. For once, I need to show him that I'm strong and have made some substantial gains since we last saw each other.

I've definitely made strides in comparison to where I was before. I no longer feel like falling at his feet and grovelling like a desperate something or other. I also won't lower myself to 'ex-sex' that he expected all the time. These are things I actually have made gains in. I'd like for the chance to see him face-to-face and show him that I've grown past the point at which he saw me last. I'm just torn because I don't want it to set me back after seeing him.

 

Honestly, it's not worth it. Why would you feel compelled to prove anything to this man anyway? He's nothing, he's a douche. You don't have to prove a thing to him. The upside to you seeing him is much lower than the downside.

[J_L_C]

Honestly, it's not worth it. Why would you feel compelled to prove anything to this man anyway? He's nothing, he's a douche. You don't have to prove a thing to him. The upside to you seeing him is much lower than the downside.

 

This is exactly why I've been worried and not sure what to do. I don't want to leave and being worse off for it.

 

I appreciate all of your advice and your suggestions by the way. My friends and family are so sick of it. I think they want me to move away to a deserted island

[Simon Phoenix]

This is exactly why I've been worried and not sure what to do. I don't want to leave and being worse off for it.

 

I appreciate all of your advice and your suggestions by the way. My friends and family are so sick of it. I think they want me to move away to a deserted island

 

You know what you have to do -- not see him. There is no point in seeing him. You have nothing to prove to him.

[Minneloa]

It will almost certainly set back your healing and recovery process. From your posts, and given the 7-month post-breakup timeline, you seem intensely preoccupied with your ex, still trying to analyze the situation in minute detail. No good can come of contact with this person who treated you so disrespectfully and who still seems to be the focus of so much mental and emotional energy.

 

I urge you to stay away and put the focus back on yourself and moving forward with your life.

[J_L_C]

Simon Phoenix and Minneola-- Thank you both. I am going to keep your words in my mind and use them as my strength to get through. I so totally appreciate having an objective point of view coming from people who don't know me, but can accurately comment on my situation.

 

I am most definitely TOO preoccupied with him. I have actually been seeing a therapist over the whole ordeal. My therapist has essentially been saying the same things. I definitely don't want to be feeling this way for ANOTHER 7 months...that's for sure.

[Minneloa]

You are welcome; glad my perspective is helpful.

 

Also, I will second Simon Phoenix in saying that giving up on future relationships because of this one experience seems premature. Don't give your ex that kind of power.

 

Lastly, I must say that I was a bit dismayed reading your recent post in the Dating forum thread in which you asked questions about possibly reconciling with your ex. This seems to be blatantly ignoring the reality of how he treated you. Why on earth would you want him back? My wish for you is that you get YOU and your life back and leave him and his destructive influence behind.

[J_L_C]

Yes I did post in the dating forum. I've been very back-and-forth with this whole thing. If you read my other thread too (Sherlock Holmes), it will give some more info about what happened. I suppose I've been idealistic and IF he were to return, I would be hopeful he'd be 'that guy' again...the one I fell for. But Simon Phoenix is right, just as you mention too, why would I want to get back with him...ESPECIALLY knowing this is how he can treat people. I would always have it in the back of my head (the things he did). Would I ever be able to love him so completely again? I wonder about that. It helps get me through.

 

The bitter part of me can't stop thinking that his next gf is going to have that amazing guy that I had while we were together. If she ends up being 'the one' for him, she'll never know of this negative side he has.

[Minneloa]

In my opinion, contemplating the idea of taking him back isn't idealistic, it's denial.

 

More to the point, all this energy could be better spent on you and your healing process.

 

I am rooting for you.

[J_L_C]

Well thank you It's certainly been a tough 7 months. I miss him so even at the very least it would be nice to see him after so long. Plus, I'd finally be able to see things realistically and not through all my tears and pleading. I just don't want to set myself back. I feel regardless of the choice I make, I'll find a few hundred reasons to have chosen the alternative

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes I did post in the dating forum. I've been very back-and-forth with this whole thing. If you read my other thread too (Sherlock Holmes), it will give some more info about what happened. I suppose I've been idealistic and IF he were to return, I would be hopeful he'd be 'that guy' again...the one I fell for. But Simon Phoenix is right, just as you mention too, why would I want to get back with him...ESPECIALLY knowing this is how he can treat people. I would always have it in the back of my head (the things he did). Would I ever be able to love him so completely again? I wonder about that. It helps get me through.

 

The bitter part of me can't stop thinking that his next gf is going to have that amazing guy that I had while we were together. If she ends up being 'the one' for him, she'll never know of this negative side he has.

 

You don't know this, nor does it matter. Odds are that this part of his personality will come out to whoever he dates. People don't hide that stuff forever. It would have definitely come out at some point with you even if he didn't break up with you. Consider yourself lucky that it only happened at the very end and not during the relationship.

 

But yeah, wondering about how he will be with the next girlfriend is another huge waste of your time.

[J_L_C]

Is this typical though? I've been in one other long-term relationship, but he was at least consistent throughout our entire 6 years together. THIS GUY on the other hand almost transformed into a completely different person. I feel a bit foolish. Never saw it coming. Has anyone else been in a relationship with someone who eventually became someone totally different than the person you fell in love with? More importantly, did this person act in consistent ways for a long period of time and then suddenly switched?

[Simon Phoenix]

Is this typical though? I've been in one other long-term relationship, but he was at least consistent throughout our entire 6 years together. THIS GUY on the other hand almost transformed into a completely different person. I feel a bit foolish. Never saw it coming. Has anyone else been in a relationship with someone who eventually became someone totally different than the person you fell in love with? More importantly, did this person act in consistent ways for a long period of time and then suddenly switched?

 

Does it matter? I don't know if it's typical, but it's not unique. You aren't the first person in the world this has happened to. But honestly, you are focusing on the wrong details. It's a waste of your time.