Dilemma: To see him or not to see him?

[Lost Fish]

J L C,

 

I'm super glad to read that you are taking the right steps.

 

I think only you can answer how soon you're ready to date again. Considering that just yesterday you were talking about still being in love with Sir Douchington, maybe it's a little soon. But I also know that everyone is different and some people can jump back into the dating world with ease.

 

Also, and this is totally separate and somewhat random - but after reading your previous posts, if I were you I'd fire my therapist and get a new one. Because I don't think a good therapist would list out the pros and cons of going back to someone who is literally poison. I think that a therapist like that isn't looking out for your best interests at all. And I'm being completely serious...

 

I am also sorry again about the harshness of my previous post(s). I will shoot a prayer or two up for you to help you in your healing. Remember that you are worth it and your ex is quite literally a scumbag. You deserve so much better. And you deserve happiness. You'll get there. And the first step is to choose to finally move forward.

 

Baby steps, you got this J L C.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, dating right now is probably not going to be a good thing for you. The wounds are still fresh. Even though they are seven months old, you basically went six months without treating them. I wouldn't worry about any men right now -- just go and do your thing and have fun with your girl friends and work on you. I think you'll do a lot better focusing on yourself for a bit. You'll know when you are ready to see other men.

[emmalynro]

I apologize if I sounded flippant earlier. But I'm with Lost Fish: have you told your therapist absolutely everything about this situation? If I told my therapist about a guy like that she would give me her best "you idiot" look and tell me to get tested for HIV. Someone who is that callous and horrible to you doesn't merit a pros and cons list of anything unless you're trying to decide whether to slash his tires.

 

Maybe instead of a date you could go out in a big group of male and female friends? It'll help you start chatting with new people and might ease some of the pressure.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Yaaaay! So happy to hear that our words are setting in! That's wonderful news girl. I know that when I date someone after a BU that I have less of a connection with than my ex I find myself missing my ex. The idea in my mind is to go up in connection not down! I've always been super picky though!

 

No one here has any hidden agenda, they just want to help another broken hearted soul. I can't remember the EXACT details of why he was such an ass (besides the masturbation thing) but I know he was on par with my ex. I think it's quite common to love someone who treats to like sh*t, if we were wired to follow our heads all of the time life would be sooo much easier! The fact is though that even though we at one time loved these a**holes we end up getting over them and seeing the light. Time and NC will help big time. I also suggest improving yourself on any level you can think of. I went and bought 4 new shirts, have been wearing twice the makeup, eating healthier so that I can put on some weight, lOokibg for a better paying job and just trying to gain more confidence. If I didn't do these things I think it would take longer to get over my ex. Good luck and keep us updates on ur progress )

[J_L_C]

I apologize if I sounded flippant earlier. But I'm with Lost Fish: have you told your therapist absolutely everything about this situation? If I told my therapist about a guy like that she would give me her best "you idiot" look and tell me to get tested for HIV. Someone who is that callous and horrible to you doesn't merit a pros and cons list of anything unless you're trying to decide whether to slash his tires.

 

Maybe instead of a date you could go out in a big group of male and female friends? It'll help you start chatting with new people and might ease some of the pressure.

 

Thank you everyone! I can honestly say that posting my story was the best thing I did on here, because it's just helped to confirm everything that was already in the back of my head, but needed to hear again...especially from people who are coming from a totally objective position.

 

I've always had low self-esteem when it came to relationships. I didn't have a real relationship until my early-mid twenties and Ive only ever been in two long-term relationships. When I found my ex, I really thought I'd found the one...until it was the end and everything came out.

 

In fairness to my therapist, the only reason she suggested the pros and cons list is because I was so dead-set on not giving up and pleading with my ex for a second chance. She did in fact ask me why the hell I would want to be with this a--hole, but since I was so stubborn, that's when she told me to make a pros and cons list....

 

I wish I'd been a stronger person. I wish I'd been able to walk away from this with my head held high, but I was so torn and withered after it happened. I still think about him daily and miss what we had. I still think about what he's doing out there and if he's treating someone better than he treated me, and why that is. I can't help these thoughts popping into my head, but I'm doing my best to push them aside and not to dwell on them when they do.

 

I think you're right Simon Phoenix...I'm not ready to be with anyone. Dating is fun, but I'm surely not looking for anything serious...maybe never.

[J_L_C]

I'm having a bit of a tough one tonight. Of course I've taken all of the comments and suggestions to heart, but it's really hard to push away such strong emotions.

 

I don't know why, but I've been very upset today just thinking about how he's all happy-go-lucky and moving on with his life as though he never left any devastation behind with the person he hurt the most. He's out there dating and having a blast, and he KNOWS how I still feel about him.

 

I can't shake the hope or feelings of having him be that guy that he was to me while we were together. I refuse to break NC despite a few messages from him acting sweet and kind like nothing happened.

 

He claims he's searching for THE ONE, but he's a 32 year old who is downtown every night and prefers to meet girls in their early 20's because women his age are "boring". Makes me feel great.

 

He's a very popular guy among his friends and women in general. He's a natural optimist and keeps telling me to find MY true love and to be happy. Easy for him to say. The fact that he says he's such a "great person, who deserves the best and isn't willing to settle for anything less" makes me even more depressed.

 

I'm know he won't come crawling back, but why do I have this incessant hope and annoying itch each and every single day about wanting what we used to have and knowing someone else is going to get that?

[thefooloftheyear]

I remember reading of your story...I am sure it must have been hard to post. Humiliating... But I commend you for your honesty.

 

Listen to what the people are saying. What that assshole did was inhuman. If I were you, I would have done something that he would have never forgotten...And I might have been in the police station after it was over. That kind of serious.

 

That being said, its also completely normal to overlook the "bad" in the relationship and only see the good. This just crosses a line. I mean, think about it, if you got back together could you ever "unsee" that?/

 

I would think not.

 

I wish you well...

 

TFOY

[na49]

Stop lying to yourself, there's no such thing as "the one". "The one" is whoever we end up marrying and spending the rest of our life with. This isn't one person however because we can connect with a bunch of people the same way we connected with our ex. It's all about finding them and as optimistic and stupid as it sounds. Anyone who isn't living in fantasy land knows it's true. I know the self worth is nowhere to be found right now, but after 7 months when do you start looking for it?

 

You might as well accept the fact that you will always miss what you had. No amount of NC will make you miss what you had with him any less. I've been NC for 4 months and still miss what I had with my ex. Through all of the bullsh*t she put me through, I would go back in a minute because I was happy during that time. This guy is telling you every which way to MOVE ON. When someone tells you something you don't want to hear, that's when it's a good idea to listen because the thing you don't want to hear is usually the truth.

 

If you want to let this thing beat you, then you actually can. The scary part about dealing with a BU is that we can honestly be miserable about it for the rest of our lives if we want. We can grow into bitter people who never give their heart to anyone or people who stay inside and cry their eyes out and never date anyone because they aren't our ex. Your ex was a jerk and you want him because your ego is bruised, it's okay to feel miserable and have bad nights like you're having because they do happen. They happen to all of us.

 

It's depressing to think that they'll love someone that isn't us. but isn't it a refreshing thought to know that we will love someone who isn't them? We will love someone who treats us the way we deserve to be treated?

 

blah blah blah, I really need to go back to writing my paper.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Not to sound rude but didn't you mention you have OCD? Maybe that is why u obsess over him so much. The tone of your posts seems like you are just going over the same thing over and over. Maybe nc earlier on would have helped also.

 

As for this desire to have what u used to have it really doesn't matte what u want because he wont budge. It's almost like obsessing over a dress or a purse that does not exist in real life. Are you going to obsess day in and day out over a purse that doesn't even exist or are you going to find a new purse that u turn out to love even more?

 

I don't mean to oftend you, I really want to help. I know these feelings that u are having but there comes a time when moving on is the only option.

[J_L_C]

It could very well be because of my OCD, so I'm not at all offended. It's probably a combination of that and the fact that I'd never been involved with someone who I matched with in so many ways. I really don't see myself ever meeting another person who will be able to click with me in the numerous ways my ex did. This SCARES me.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I understand that you felt a strong connection with this guy. I did with my ex too but obviously something was missing if they dumped us and the potential for a greater connection must exist! Bevause altho we were blindsided they had feelings that led them to leave us so it couldn't have been that strong.

 

You and I are no different than the rest of the people on this forum or in the world. There has never been a case of a girl who has been dumped and never found love again. Dream of the future and finding someone even more compatible with you. That's what I do. Had a bad dream last night thatmy ex finally broke nc and wanted to get back together. Struggling here this mornin but I know that I will find happiness an companionship again.

[J_L_C]

I understand that you felt a strong connection with this guy. I did with my ex too but obviously something was missing if they dumped us and the potential for a greater connection must exist! Bevause altho we were blindsided they had feelings that led them to leave us so it couldn't have been that strong.

 

You and I are no different than the rest of the people on this forum or in the world. There has never been a case of a girl who has been dumped and never found love again. Dream of the future and finding someone even more compatible with you. That's what I do. Had a bad dream last night thatmy ex finally broke nc and wanted to get back together. Struggling here this mornin but I know that I will find happiness an companionship again.

 

I hate dreams sometimes! They feel so real and just end up messing with your head! I've had many of those with my ex.

 

So get this...as you know my ex begged and begged me to do NC to give him some space so he could figure things out. He needed distance. Anyway, after a month or so of finally giving that to him, he broke NC as I mentioned with an email. Yesterday he texted me asking how my weekend was. WTF? Ummm...good? I didn't know what to say. I wrote back with only one sentence. Then later that evening he called me and of course I didn't pick up. He left a voicemail just to say hi, asking how I'm doing and that he'd talk to me later. I texted him back and just said thanks for the VM and that I am doing well. He wrote back and said: "I guess you can't talk to me on the phone eh?" I don't know what to say. I know I can't be friends with him. So I'm thinking of saying something like: "It was really nice to hear from you after so long, now that things have calmed down a bit. This is all still very hard for me and I still think it'd be difficult for me to just 'chat' with you. I don't think a friendship is something I can handle while I still have romantic feelings. Every time I see you or talk to you, I take a step backwards while you're doing just fine".

 

What do you think? Perhaps this way he'll stop the small talk and I won't get my hopes up?

[Simon Phoenix]

Stop responding. You don't need to explain yourself.

[emmalynro]

Bingo. You owe him nothing.

[J_L_C]

Stop responding. You don't need to explain yourself.

 

Simon Phoenix...have you ever wondered about whether an ex is thinking of you? Whether SOMETHING could change if you only gave things a chance? That way you'd never have to be left with this aching 'What if' feeling?

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon Phoenix...have you ever wondered about whether an ex is thinking of you? Whether SOMETHING could change if you only gave things a chance? That way you'd never have to be left with this aching 'What if' feeling?

 

In a situation like yours, absolutely not.

 

Even if he didn't break up with you in the most disgusting way possible short of physical abuse, it's not your job to give things "a chance". You weren't the one that broke up. There's nothing you can do to change his mind. And trying to read someone else's mind is one of the most useless things one can do. Plus, manipulating a person into "loving you" isn't the correct way to get your way at all.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[geegirl]

Simon Phoenix...have you ever wondered about whether an ex is thinking of you? Whether SOMETHING could change if you only gave things a chance? That way you'd never have to be left with this aching 'What if' feeling?

 

For heaven's sake. The man masturbated infront of you while you cried your eyes out over him breaking up with you. It's almost as if he got a high watching you in pain. Are you even reading what you are saying?

 

Chance? You must be joking! To even fathom the possibilities after all that he has done to you.

 

What if? What if someone that treated you like something under their shoe took you back? Chances are, he'd treat you the same way he did then.

 

Wake up.

[geegirl]

Double post.

[J_L_C]

For heaven's sake. The man masturbated infront of you while you cried your eyes out over him breaking up with you. It's almost as if he got a high watching you in pain. Are you even reading what you are saying?

 

Chance? You must be joking! To even fathom the possibilities after all that he has done to you.

 

What if? What if someone that treated you like something under their shoe took you back? Chances are, he'd treat you the same way he did then.

 

Wake up.

 

See this is my problem, I continue to romanticize the relationship. I have to constantly remind myself of the terrible things that happened upon breakup and NOT the good things that occurred during the relationship. I guess I always try to read into things too much and try to justify things.

[geegirl]

See this is my problem, I continue to romanticize the relationship. I have to constantly remind myself of the terrible things that happened upon breakup and NOT the good things that occurred during the relationship. I guess I always try to read into things too much and try to justify things.

 

I'm sorry JLC. You are romanticizing a pig. I know you love him but I've been with a couple of *******s in my life. One of the two, on my birthday after a few months of ending with him and no contact, texted me, "Happy Birthday, I miss your BJs." Made my skin crawl. Made me realize it was a blessing that I ended it with him.

 

Why is his behavior not making your skin crawl? The visual of him masturbating while you cried should be sending you running the other way. It should make you puke. Instead, you're in fantasy land.

 

Read the list below that you posted about him. Everytime you start to romanticize this clown, read the list, and if you have to use a hammer to get into your head, use it.

 

Over the course of the past 6 months, we've been in contact--mostly at my hand. Some things came out along the way:

~He said the way I ran my life made him think I was a '****ing idiot and not too bright' (nice thing to say to someone you once loved).

~Jerked off in front of me only moments after breaking the news

~Did not wish me a happy birthday FOUR DAYS after we broke up

~Wanted me to stay on the pill for "Ex-Sex"

~He said that until we start sleeping with other people, it's fine to sleep together without protection, but I later found out HE DID sleep with someone and he nearly exposed me to a possible STD. I now know why people say 'ex-sex' is a bad idea

~Openly discusses the dates he goes on

~I received some troubling news about a health condition of mine and when I alluded to it, he didn't care to find out what was wrong and just said "heal up well".

~Whenever I contacted him he's say really cruel things to me like "F*** off, and leave me alone"; "I don't want to marry you, I don't want to be your bf and I don't want you to be my gf"---And I must say I never swore, yelled or said anything mean to deserve this from him.

[emmalynro]

If this man had even the slightest desire to care for you and have you back, he would have joined a band of flagellants in Italy, spent two years in Tibet pushing rocks up mountains, poured all of his life savings into a bank account just for you...

 

...and then killed himself because even all that is not enough to make up for the obscene awfulness he put you through. If he wanted you he would be begging for your forgiveness. He would be moaning about how sorry he was. He would talk about how he was devastated every single day by what he'd done. He would be crying. Instead he's just calling like it's not a big deal. Why? Because it's not a big deal to him. Because he knows he can count on you for easy sex, which is all he wants. Don't give it to him.

[Simon Phoenix]

See this is my problem, I continue to romanticize the relationship. I have to constantly remind myself of the terrible things that happened upon breakup and NOT the good things that occurred during the relationship. I guess I always try to read into things too much and try to justify things.

 

You don't have any boundaries. That's your issue. I mean, short of cheating or physical abuse, the way your ex treated you at the end is the worst I have read on this board. It shows an absolute lack of respect for you. Hell, even the way he talks to you now shows that he doesn't respect you at all. But you seem intent on ignoring it. It's frustrating to read your posts on this forum because they are a weird mix of delusion, denial and just overall lunacy. I know I'm being blunt, but at what point is enough enough? At one point do you decide to have respect for yourself and demand it from others? I can see why your friends don't want to talk to you about this -- I mean, we're frustrated reading it, I can't imagine having to discuss it and trying to restrain myself from bopping you upside the head.

 

It's one thing if you are a teenager and just don't have any experience with men. But you are in your 30s. Wake up.

[J_L_C]

You don't have any boundaries. That's your issue. I mean, short of cheating or physical abuse, the way your ex treated you at the end is the worst I have read on this board. It shows an absolute lack of respect for you. Hell, even the way he talks to you now shows that he doesn't respect you at all. But you seem intent on ignoring it. It's frustrating to read your posts on this forum because they are a weird mix of delusion, denial and just overall lunacy. I know I'm being blunt, but at what point is enough enough? At one point do you decide to have respect for yourself and demand it from others? I can see why your friends don't want to talk to you about this -- I mean, we're frustrated reading it, I can't imagine having to discuss it and trying to restrain myself from bopping you upside the head.

 

It's one thing if you are a teenager and just don't have any experience with men. But you are in your 30s. Wake up.

 

Prior to everything that happened post-breakup, I'd never been so in love with anyone in my whole life. Short of getting into specific details, I had some difficulties that he truly supported me through. He was always there for me, was so affectionate, always thought of me, etc etc. I'd never been with a man who was so good to me and so 'in tune' with me, which makes the realization of all that happened upon breakup, that much more difficult to handle. Who is this person?! I kept thinking, WTF. Where did this come from? Where did the guy I had been with for the past year disappear to so suddenly? He literally flipped from one person into a completely different one whom I no longer recognized. I think I'm still mouring what was and who he used to be. I miss that guy and don't understand how this evil twin came out. But now he's being all sweet and kind again!

[na49]

I think that your idea of love is pretty f*cked up. I'm not an expert, but when people are in love, they don't disrespect each other and jack off in front of the other while they're breaking up with them. They also don't insult the other person.

 

Okay you love him. What would he have to do for you to not love him anymore?

 

I know the feeling. We all miss the person we used to date. Through all of the hell they put us through, we'd love to go back to that because it is what made us happy. My ex was the most innocent and caring girl you'd ever meet. Then all of a sudden she's a cold witch who isn't as "in love" with me as she claimed to be. PEOPLE CHANGE. FEELINGS CHANGE. Well, we can't go back because these people don't exist anymore. but continue to fantasize about what "could have been" and let this BU ruin your life if you want.

 

Did you go NC to try to move on or to try to get him to miss you? If you aren't trying to move on and still "love him" then email him right now and tell him everything you're telling us. See if you can light the fire between you guys again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Prior to everything that happened post-breakup, I'd never been so in love with anyone in my whole life. Short of getting into specific details, I had some difficulties that he truly supported me through. He was always there for me, was so affectionate, always thought of me, etc etc. I'd never been with a man who was so good to me and so 'in tune' with me, which makes the realization of all that happened upon breakup, that much more difficult to handle. Who is this person?! I kept thinking, WTF. Where did this come from? Where did the guy I had been with for the past year disappear to so suddenly? He literally flipped from one person into a completely different one whom I no longer recognized. I think I'm still mouring what was and who he used to be. I miss that guy and don't understand how this evil twin came out. But now he's being all sweet and kind again!

 

The "evil twin" is part of who he is. That's what you refuse to acknowledge. You can't just pick and choose. But yeah, I just don't know what to say to you at this point. I don't even know you and I'm just shaking my head at this.