Dilemma: To see him or not to see him?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think that your idea of love is pretty f*cked up. I'm not an expert, but when people are in love, they don't disrespect each other and jack off in front of the other while they're breaking up with them. They also don't insult the other person.

 

Okay you love him. What would he have to do for you to not love him anymore?

 

I know the feeling. We all miss the person we used to date. Through all of the hell they put us through, we'd love to go back to that because it is what made us happy. My ex was the most innocent and caring girl you'd ever meet. Then all of a sudden she's a cold witch who isn't as "in love" with me as she claimed to be. PEOPLE CHANGE. FEELINGS CHANGE. Well, we can't go back because these people don't exist anymore. but continue to fantasize about what "could have been" and let this BU ruin your life if you want.

 

Did you go NC to try to move on or to try to get him to miss you? If you aren't trying to move on and still "love him" then email him right now and tell him everything you're telling us. See if you can light the fire between you guys again.

 

One thousand and seventy times no to the bolded.

[geegirl]

Prior to everything that happened post-breakup, I'd never been so in love with anyone in my whole life. Short of getting into specific details, I had some difficulties that he truly supported me through. He was always there for me, was so affectionate, always thought of me, etc etc. I'd never been with a man who was so good to me and so 'in tune' with me, which makes the realization of all that happened upon breakup, that much more difficult to handle. Who is this person?! I kept thinking, WTF. Where did this come from? Where did the guy I had been with for the past year disappear to so suddenly? He literally flipped from one person into a completely different one whom I no longer recognized. I think I'm still mouring what was and who he used to be. I miss that guy and don't understand how this evil twin came out. But now he's being all sweet and kind again!

 

The evil twin is who he is. People are on their best behavior for the first 6 months to a year of a relationship. It's the honeymoon period.

 

A good guy would be consistent in his behavior, pre and post relationship. If someone changes from nice to ugly in such drastic ways, chances are the guy that you are seeing post relationship is who he really is.

 

He's being all sweet and kind again because he wants something from you. And I have a feeling it is sex. Don't forget that sweet and kind also comes with ugly and cruel.

 

So, stop focusing on nice because it's not real. It's real when it is consistent.

[Lost Fish]

J L C,

 

I can't believe you're still keeping this thread alive.

 

I need to point out that this obsessing you're doing and searching for meaning where there isn't any needs to stop. You mentioned you have OCD - and you are definitely obsessing on this guy.

 

It's good that you are here looking for help, but I am a bit concerned about the way you are thinking as shown through your posts. I hope you can talk to a certified therapist about your pain and especially about your obsessing.

 

The bottom line is this:

 

IT IS OVER WITH THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE AND YOU SHOULD NEVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN. YOU ARE WORSE OFF HAVING HIM IN YOUR LIFE FOR EVEN A SECOND LONGER.

 

The sooner you can do that the better.

 

And with that I'm done posting in this thread.

[Bigcitydreamer]

JLC, I know everyone is being pretty hard on u but the masturabation thing is pretty friggen messed up..

 

You are setting yourself back hun, that's the simple fact of the matter here. He does not care about your well being anymore. Only u can care about your well being. I would not send him that MSG. It makes u look disparate and makes him feel like he is a prize to be won. It must be hard that he still contacts you like this. My ex doesn't contact me. If he did I think it would be harder to let him go.

 

If I can give you some true honest advice it would be to change ur phone number. I know it's hard to close that life line but u are wasting your life away over someone that broke up with u. He chooses every day to not be with u. Even if there is a small shred of hope left (which there isn't IMO) he will find a way to get back to u if he really truly wants.

 

Imagine how much better your life will be without having to worry about him anymore. I know u want to imagine him coming back but it is nearly impossible for that to happen. ESPECIALLY in the state that you are in. Pining away like u are is simply not attractive to a guy. Even if u think u are faking it to him I don't believe you are fooling him for a second. I know u loved him with all of ur heart and I know u are hurting. Trust me I know how it feels! I can't describe the pain I recently went through with my bu but u have to move forward and leave him

Behind. Change ur phone number, block him on Facebook and other sites and maybe in 2-3 years time when u are in a better spot and are an improved version of urself u can resume contact. I don't agree with that as no one on this thread thinks u should but at least for right now u have to move on! Best of luck

[J_L_C]

K, you guys are all right! My ex is an eff'ing DOUCHE! Last night he messaged me to say he never heard back from me (he called me a couple nights ago and left a voicemail just to say hi). I ignored it. Then he messaged me a few more times last night saying we should meet up, asking how my family is doing, etc. I barely wrote back to him and with the few messages I did send, they were brief and I mean BRIEF. Anyway, he STILL doesn't get how much he hurt me. His last message to me was this, word-for-word: "You should have come up tonight and rode my **ck!" WTF?! I literally said that to him. He wrote back and said: "Sorry, I'm just in a silly/dirty mood. Have a good night and sweet dreams". Well, I haven't heard from him at all since that message and I actually don't care.

 

I don't want to continually get these stupid, meaningless messages from him that keep dragging things out. He's the one who broke up with me and said he didn't want contact, so he's reaching out for what?? So...my question is, should I just leave it? OR, should I write something back to just cut this BS off? Here's what I was thinking of sending: [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Whether or not you were joking last night, the message you sent was a bit inappropriate given thefact that I haven’t heard from you in such a long time. I don’t thinkit’s ok to say stuff like that after everything I’ve been put throughemotionally with you. It seems you still don’t care about my feelings and howit affects me if you’re able to be disrespectful of me that way. That’s notsomething you say to a girl whose heart you broke 8 months ago. You must trulyhave such a low opinion of me. I’m not sure why you suggested meeting up, butif that sexual comment has anything to do with it, I’m not interested. You jetout on me, leave me emotionally devastated and then think I’m still an easytarget who will just jump into bed with you. You haven’t changed at all sincethis breakup. Please leave me alone.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[Simon Phoenix]

Write nothing. Block his number and ignore all correspondence. Your dignity is worth more than having the last word.

[J_L_C]

Ok. I'll have to figure out how to do that. I know he will find some way to get thru. Make a fake email, etc. But I like the whole idea of leaving him up in the air like that.

 

That last message of his was what finished it. He hasn't reflected nor changed at all since the day he ended things. He'd probably do those terrible things all over again. He just doesn't see how wrong it was or how it hurts me. I think he may be stupid. 7-8 months since our breakup, almost 2 months of NC and THAT was the lovely and endearing message I got.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok. I'll have to figure out how to do that. I know he will find some way to get thru. Make a fake email, etc. But I like the whole idea of leaving him up in the air like that.

 

That last message of his was what finished it. He hasn't reflected nor changed at all since the day he ended things. He'd probably do those terrible things all over again. He just doesn't see how wrong it was or how it hurts me. I think he may be stupid. 7-8 months since our breakup, almost 2 months of NC and THAT was the lovely and endearing message I got.

 

I'm not sure that he's stupid per se, he's just an a--hole. I'm glad you finally have recognized this. And yes, he'll probably get through. You can't control that. What you can control is how you'll handle it. Act like he doesn't exist. Delete his texts, ignore his calls, mark his emails as spam or junk.

[J_L_C]

I'm not sure that he's stupid per se, he's just an a--hole. I'm glad you finally have recognized this. And yes, he'll probably get through. You can't control that. What you can control is how you'll handle it. Act like he doesn't exist. Delete his texts, ignore his calls, mark his emails as spam or junk.

 

Yes I'm going to for sure. That last comment put me overboard. I wasn't necessarily justifying his actions that happened post breakup, but there was A LOT of tension and hostility. I attributed things partly to that. BUT...having said that, those things were still not ok. 8 months later he's CONTINUING the disrespect? I don't know what 32 year old man thinks it's ok AND funny to say something like that to someone they crushed. He really has no respect for me right? Was he testing to see if the FWB door is open? Ugh.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes I'm going to for sure. That last comment put me overboard. I wasn't necessarily justifying his actions that happened post breakup, but there was A LOT of tension and hostility. I attributed things partly to that. BUT...having said that, those things were still not ok. 8 months later he's CONTINUING the disrespect? I don't know what 32 year old man thinks it's ok AND funny to say something like that to someone they crushed. He really has no respect for me right? Was he testing to see if the FWB door is open? Ugh.

 

Why are you still asking these questions? Just look at the man's actions. He's awful. You don't need a secret decoder ring to figure this out. Read up on Occam's Razor, which basically states that the solution with the least amount of variables is usually the correct one. You'd be well-advised to adopt that philosophy.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[geegirl]

Yes I'm going to for sure. That last comment put me overboard. I wasn't necessarily justifying his actions that happened post breakup, but there was A LOT of tension and hostility. I attributed things partly to that. BUT...having said that, those things were still not ok. 8 months later he's CONTINUING the disrespect? I don't know what 32 year old man thinks it's ok AND funny to say something like that to someone they crushed. He really has no respect for me right? Was he testing to see if the FWB door is open? Ugh.

 

Yes, JLC. He has no respect for you. This episode is one of the many that has shown you he has no respect for you. The assclown that texted me 3 months into our breakup wishing me a happy birthday along with him missing the bjs was 41 at the time. So assh o l e behavior has no bounds. It's not stupidity. This is who he is. And yes, he was testing to see if he could get the sex, because he knows you are attached and probably still pining for him.

 

Block his number. Change your number. Either one.

 

DO NOT send him that message. He will not validate your feelings because he does not care. Will most likely roll his eyes and ponder the loss of not being able to rope you in for sex. Trust me. These types don't care about your well being. They're in it for themselves.

Edited March 14, 2013 by geegirl

[Minneloa]

OP,

 

At the risk of sounding dramatic, this is a key moment in your interactions with your ex. I urge you to dig deep down and find the strength and self-respect to ignore him. You have received a lot of good advice on this thread and others, and now it's up to you to choose your path.

 

I hope, at the very least, you can see that you do not deserve this kind of treatment from anyone.

 

M.

[na49]

His last message to me was this, word-for-word: "You should have come up tonight and rode my **ck!"

 

He sounds like a pig. Block him please.

 

He isn't in love with you. You aren't in love with him. You're in love with your idea of him but your idea of him isn't him. The animal that is asking you to ride his d*ck is him. He sounds like a child, how old is this guy again? It's so sad how you will let men like this ruin your life. To think there are so many good guys out there who would love to have you. You'll have no idea what hits you when you meet one because he won't treat you like a procession but instead like a person.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Yes I'm going to for sure. That last comment put me overboard. I wasn't necessarily justifying his actions that happened post breakup, but there was A LOT of tension and hostility. I attributed things partly to that. BUT...having said that, those things were still not ok. 8 months later he's CONTINUING the disrespect? I don't know what 32 year old man thinks it's ok AND funny to say something like that to someone they crushed. He really has no respect for me right? Was he testing to see if the FWB door is open? Ugh.

 

I reread how he treated you, and it's very obvious he has no respect for u. It's not something that u did or can control. But he's made it quite clear that he will never be serious with u or respect u. Please for the love of god listen to everyone here. Block him and change ur number. It is sheer madness what u are doing to yourself. Stop asking questions about his actions because it's so obvious to everyone but yourself that he is a disgusting pig. Move on and find someone better! We would all love to see you post in a little while about how u are starting to move on and make yourself better. It's tiring hearing the same stuff over and over. You can't keep living in your head. You seem like the nicest kind of girl and you have the ability like anyone else to get over this person. Ur making things harder on yourself and that's a fact. I really can't wait until you admit to yourself that u need to cut all contact and that you have a serious problem when it comes to this person. Don't u think u deserve better. If my ex was sending me disgusting texts like that it would devastate me. U don't deserve that. No one does! Please do yourself and everyone in your life a favour.

[J_L_C]

I know everyone here is going to get annoyed with me but I have one last question or my OCD'ness will kill me...literally.

 

The ex texted me tonight and said: "I'm available to chill with you tonight but I don't have your things with me to return". I ignored it. I already had plans...plus no desire to see him. Hours later he texted me to say: "so are you banging lots now that you're single? Lol". NOW that I'm single? Ummm it's been 8 months. My question is WHY? WHY is he asking me? ANNND...is this his way of telling me HE is with someone now? Even tho I know he was still doing his nightly dating routine of online-dating just a few weeks ago.

 

I'm so annoyed! I was actually going to block his number tonight but didn't. I want to write back before I do it. I want to tell him it's none of his business and that I'm done with the random comments---you are being blocked.

[Wabisabi]

I know everyone here is going to get annoyed with me but I have one last question or my OCD'ness will kill me...literally.

 

The ex texted me tonight and said: "I'm available to chill with you tonight but I don't have your things with me to return". I ignored it. I already had plans...plus no desire to see him. Hours later he texted me to say: "so are you banging lots now that you're single? Lol". NOW that I'm single? Ummm it's been 8 months. My question is WHY? WHY is he asking me? ANNND...is this his way of telling me HE is with someone now? Even tho I know he was still doing his nightly dating routine of online-dating just a few weeks ago.

 

I'm so annoyed! I was actually going to block his number tonight but didn't. I want to write back before I do it. I want to tell him it's none of his business and that I'm done with the random comments---you are being blocked.

 

Don't reply at all. Enough is enough. Aren't you tired already? I read about how he treated you in your other thread, he doesn't love you. He only wants sex and he's treating you like his sex toy I'm so sooo sorry to say this but it's true. You're worth so much more JLC. You just can't let go of the 'good' image he portrayed but that's a fake. It's a mask to get you to have sex with him. Truly it is the only thing he wants from you. Just look at all his messages to you. He's asking you because he wants to trick you to talk about anything related to sex with him. Please...for the sake of your sanity and self-worth, do NOT reply or talk to him anymore. Not even a single word. He doesn't even deserve your fart.

[destroyed4sho]

Just like everyone else is saying...this guy only wants sex from you. He sounds disgusting and a manipulating lowlife. It seems from his messages that he is a bit shocked that he is not able to convince you anymore to have no.strings attached sex and suspects that you are having sex with someone else.

 

Someone posted a little while ago that " silence is the best ' **** you' " . Remeber that the next time your.tempted to text him back.

[geegirl]

"I am available to chill with you tonight but I don't have your things with me to return."

 

Translation: I want to have sex with you. I'll bring your things around next time. That'll give me an excuse to come over have sex with you.

 

"So are you banging lots now that you are single? Lol!"

 

Translation: I wonder if she is sleeping with others? Why isn't she all over me anymore? She used to be a doormat but she's not paying me any attention anymore.

 

When you ask why is he asking you these things, you are hoping to hear someone say he cares, he loves you, he's jealous, he's afraid to let you go. I'm sorry. All he's looking for is sex.

 

He does this to keep you engaged. Just enough to keep your interest going so that he has you on the sidelines. Nothing more.

 

Once again, block his number. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. The man is a pig. And don't tell him it is none of his business because you are trying to provoke a response from him.

 

Nothing says F*** YOU like silence.

Edited March 15, 2013 by geegirl

[J_L_C]

Thanks everyone! I successfully blocked his number today! Woohoo!!

[Minneloa]

JLC,

 

Way to go! This is excellent news.

 

We are rooting for you!

 

M.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank god. Now stick to it and no more trying to figure him out.

[J_L_C]

Why does this happen so often? This question is not specific to my ex because he's not the only one who has done this. Why do exes break our hearts, make sure we know we aren't what they are looking for in a relationship, but are okay with still wanting us simply for sex? When I break up with someone, I also lose the idea of casual sex. Why disrespect and hurt that person by letting them know they're still good enough for the physical but nothing more?

[J_L_C]

It's been a few days since I posted that I block the f***er's phone number. There's been something else going through my mind and I'm sure other people out there have these types of thoughts as well.

 

As I've mentioned in my previous posts, my ex was honestly a great boyfriend until the breakup...and then all of his true colours came through. IF I had been 'the right girl' for him, do you think I would have ever seen these types of behaviours? It's a little bit scary to know that I never saw any of this until it went bad. What if we'd been together for 20 years and it suddenly came out then?

 

If he meets the right person, will she EVER see this scary side of him? Or was it just something about me that caused it to come out?

[Simon Phoenix]

It's been a few days since I posted that I block the f***er's phone number. There's been something else going through my mind and I'm sure other people out there have these types of thoughts as well.

 

As I've mentioned in my previous posts, my ex was honestly a great boyfriend until the breakup...and then all of his true colours came through. IF I had been 'the right girl' for him, do you think I would have ever seen these types of behaviours? It's a little bit scary to know that I never saw any of this until it went bad. What if we'd been together for 20 years and it suddenly came out then?

 

If he meets the right person, will she EVER see this scary side of him? Or was it just something about me that caused it to come out?

 

Sorry, but this is just more pointless thought. None of this matters at all.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I wonder the same thing JLC, pointless or not! My ex lost his temper a lot to me and lashed out big time. I've never seen someone get so angry over things so small. His mom told me we are incompatible and that it is me bringing that side of him out because she has never seen it before. So I've been asking myself is this true?? Is it me or does he just act that way and will he be that way with his next gf??

 

For the record my ex asked for me back but I can't because I am moving thousands of miles away for work and don't have the security with him that would allow me to keep living with him

 

I've told him that I don't believe he loves me in the right ways or enough but he denies this. So it's really hard to say. Hopefully someone will have some insight.