The "Bubble" World of the A

[promises]

I have a hard time with the phrase, "Affair Bubble".

 

The feelings, emotions, and real life of the A didn't feel like a bubble to me at all. In fact it felt more like a sledge hammer raining down on my World and heart for the better part of the experience.

 

I feel like BS/WS use the term "Bubble" to make the A seem more like a 'fantasy' or distraction from the reality that the WS did what they did and actually had feelings for another human being in a loving way.

 

As much as it is completely disarming to be cheated on (which I have), I never thought of my ex boyfriend being in a bubble when he cheated. I thought he was not invested in me anymore and too much of an arrogant prick to break it off with someone he loved before he did it.

 

This didn't make the cheating any less real. It was very real, but certainly not a fantasy or bubble.

 

People can have feelings for other people. Period.

 

Are affairs sh*tty and wrong. Yes. Are they bubbles. No.

[stevie_23]

This is very interesting and I have to think more about it...

 

I'd never considered the theory of the affair bubble until Pierre said it on here, and it seemed to make sense and click for me.

 

I think because in my own specific case, I was fairly happy with my long term relationship (obviously not entirely though), didn't want to leave it, and because my ex-MM and I were long distance and online, we'd never met and although I do NOT think this makes it any less serious or genuine in terms of our feelings, it DID leave it more prone to that "bubble" scenario.

 

Neither of us could really exist in the other's "real life". Nobody in his real life knew I existed, and the same with me. None of my friends knew because they all know my partner. My family and parents never knew, GOD NO! Everything was kept to our own private time and our own heads and hearts. Internalised. Compartmentalised.

 

And that too doesn't make it less REAL but at the same time, it simply COULDN'T be 100% real because of our situation(s). We also tried to MAKE it more real by taking steps to plan to meet in person, to really be together one day, but...didn't get that far in the end. His REAL reality got too much and made it too hard to continue the affair. So...the "bubble" finally deflated...rather than violently burst, I suppose.

 

I don't believe now that he's 100% in his real life (where I never existed and can't exist now anymore either), that he doesn't or didn't love me and that he wasn't genuine at the time. But the very fact that I didn't exist in his real life, and I only existed in terms of our affair, well...does that make it more of a bubble as opposed to some other types of affairs?

 

We used to call our time together our "intimacy sphere". When we came together to chat and text and talk on the phone, and when we watched each other's videos, we felt we were ensconsed in our intimacy sphere. I guess that was our word (though we didn't know it) for the bubble.

[promises]

That's just it. It is LIFE. It's real.

[MissBee]

People have all kinds of bubbles...

 

Please see other sections of this forum not about affairs. Bubbles exist there too.

 

Building sandcastles in the sky is not uncommon and I have been in an A, I am not a BS/WS and I can tell you some of it was a bubble. I also had a single relationship that was a bubble because it was long distance and we really didn't have the chance to be together and really engage in each other's lives so it promoted more fantasy than reality. An A is a bubble in so far as you are living this double life if you're the WS or you are not fully incorporated into this person's life, your experiences are sometimes only through a small lens and don't show the big picture and sometimes, many times as we see, there is future faking, planning, planning and planning of something that doesn't ever come to fruition and probably never was going to. You have real feelings in the bubble though...but it's still a bubble.

 

It's like a friend of mine who grew up EXTREMELY privileged. Her experiences do not mirror that of most people's and she did live in a bubble to an extent. "Her world" was of course real...but it wasn't connected to the rest of the world and there was so much she didn't see and know and only had the small view of the comfort of her world. It was upon being in college that her bubble was burst and her conceptions challenged and she had a chance to really see "everything" and connect outside of her small worldview. Lots of As are this way. I'm sorry. But if you are in a secret relationship...how can it not lead to insulation and isolation? That's what a bubble is.

[ComingInHot]

I' don't think I have Ever used that term myself because the phrase sound almost cartoonish to me.

 

I think A's are a cruel reality to the unknowing participants and when d-day hits, the reality of a-lot of A's is that however much affection or love felt between A partners, it didn't end up to how much more the WS realized he loved his W & family & life w/her to leave.

This in turn is the suck reality for many AP's.

 

 

STILL LOOKING FOR THAT kill switch on A's. **

[promises]

It wasn't a bubble to me. And, when my ex bf cheated it wasn't a bubble to me then either. It was my path and his had changed.

 

I think bubble minimizes something as to be able to cope.

 

If we take the approach that different lifestyles are living in a bubble from others then everything is one big bubble.

 

Feelings are real. They are not fantasy. I wish people would acknowledge that.

[Lillyfree]

i am still fairly new to the whole affair thing. and i have to say, i was pretty naive about it before.

 

but i know that what i felt, no matter how ridiculous the circumstances, was real.

 

this is how i explained it to myself:

when two people who are already attached meet and start an affair... this happens.

 

1. one of them is checked out of the primary relationship and is emotionally available, so they get emotionally invested in the AP. (this would also be OW/OM who are single).

the other is emotionally unavailable, yet wants the 'benefits' of the A. i believe this is what pierre means when he says that they're 'in a bubble'. it's not a bubble, it's them trying to justify being in the affair. there's no love there, they're just lying to themselves and the other AP.

 

2. both APs are checked out of their primary relationship. i guess this is that very small percentage where they end up together in the open.

 

3. both APs still love their spouses, yet want some on the side. maybe the recipe for a successful A?

 

 

anyway, i don't believe in the 'bubble'. i don't think i was in one.

[promises]

I' don't think I have Ever used that term myself because the phrase sound almost cartoonish to me.

 

I think A's are a cruel reality to the unknowing participants and when d-day hits, the reality of a-lot of A's is that however much affection or love felt between A partners, it didn't end up to how much more the WS realized he loved his W & family & life w/her to leave.

This in turn is the suck reality for many AP's.

 

 

STILL LOOKING FOR THAT kill switch on A's. **

 

I don't disagree with this statement. However, I also feel that in some cases it's more about investment in the wife/family/children/lifestyle then it is simply about loving something more than the other.

[LFH]

I have a hard time with the phrase, "Affair Bubble".

 

The feelings, emotions, and real life of the A didn't feel like a bubble to me at all. In fact it felt more like a sledge hammer raining down on my World and heart for the better part of the experience.

 

I feel like BS/WS use the term "Bubble" to make the A seem more like a 'fantasy' or distraction from the reality that the WS did what they did and actually had feelings for another human being in a loving way.

 

As much as it is completely disarming to be cheated on (which I have), I never thought of my ex boyfriend being in a bubble when he cheated. I thought he was not invested in me anymore and too much of an arrogant prick to break it off with someone he loved before he did it.

 

This didn't make the cheating any less real. It was very real, but certainly not a fantasy or bubble.

 

People can have feelings for other people. Period.

 

Are affairs sh*tty and wrong. Yes. Are they bubbles. No.

 

I've always said that the "affair bubble" or "fog" are just used as terms to minimize what someone has done. They need to own their crap. It IS real, and in my life, there is no bubble where we flit around happily and perch all day at little cafes sipping lattes and gazing into one anothers eyes.

 

It's reality and it's messy and sometimes it's disgusting and it's not always fun and other times it's filled with all kinds of beauty and charm but it's all real.

 

Maybe people just live different lives than I do, but I think the term is nothing more than meaningless psychobabble.

[ComingInHot]

Promises;

 

Maybe.

 

Only the WS truly knows but we both know he's a liar*

[promises]

Promises;

 

Maybe.

 

Only the WS truly knows but we both know he's a liar*

 

I may hate this man. And, he has no clue what he has done. Not to me. The part of that which is troublesome is that his W must also know somewhere that he threw another woman under the bus just like he did with her, vice versa.

 

I digress, however, it was not a bubble, a fantasy, what have you. Justifying the A under that realm is dismissing the real.

[ComingInHot]

LHF;

Do you think Pierre means that by way of compartmentalization? Like , I love my W here, in our home, in our bed, w/our kids & families while I love my AP over here away from all the stressors & responsibilities in the quiet of her place? asking you cause you won't sugar coat it but won't be mean either.

Edited March 1, 2013 by ComingInHot

[LFH]

LHF;

Do you think Pierre means that by way of compartmentalization? Like , I love my W here, in our home, in our bed, w/our kids & families while I love my AP over here away from all the stressors & responsibilities in the quiet of her place?

 

Making you cause you won't sugar coat it but won't be mean either.

 

I honestly don't know WHAT Pierre ever means. In fact, he confounds and frustrates me so much I just put him on ignore.

 

But as far as compartmentalization... some people are better at that than others. I don't compartmentalize at all. I don't need to. My life is pretty much an open book to anyone in it.

 

As far as Alex, I think he probably does compartmentalize to a degree, I imagine he'd have to, but I do know he doesn't shut feelings OFF just because he's elsewhere.

I'm sure he still loves her even while he's with me.

I know he loves me even if he's with her.

 

We may not be a good example though, because life isn't all sunshine and roses and pixie sticks at my home either. I certainly don't make an easy mistress that's for sure.

 

Last week he dropped everything to come be with me. I called midafternoon, told him I needed him and he was on his way. I know that's not "usual" for most EMAs but I also don't play games so when I told him I did, he knew I did and he was there.

 

He doesn't check out on me... there are no times I CAN'T call, no times he is off limits to me. There are times I DON'T unless I have to, because I do try not to take time that he does spend with them. Because of that I don't think there is quite as much delineation as some other EMA couples may have.

 

But like I said, I don't really understand how to compartmentalize either. It'd probably be easier if I COULD put things in nice neat little boxes in my head not think about random things when I'm trying to focus on a project or make a grocery list

 

I dont' know if that answers the question or not. I really just don't think that most people shut off like that going from one situation to another.

[ComingInHot]

I know Right!!!? I cannot compartmentalize either. everything around me is an extension of how I view myself.

No pressure there...

Thanks for your explanation.

[Furious]

I have a hard time with the phrase, "Affair Bubble" Are affairs sh*tty and wrong. Yes. Are they bubbles. No.

 

I find it ironic that you can say that affairs are "sh**ty and wrong", but you're offended by the term "affair bubble".

 

Why is it so important for you, that you need to say the feelings were real and it was real, if affairs are "sh*tty and wrong"?

 

I really don't get what your point is.

[MissBee]

I think people might be being too literal when they talk about the A not being a fantasy. One definition of fantasy which aids this discussion is that of fantasy as: An unrealistic or improbable supposition. And let's be real...aren't most As just that? Unrealistic and improbable and most end in a dday where the MP goes back to their realistic life.

 

Clearly the affair wasn't a LSD trip you imagined in your mind...and then you woke up.

 

A bubble in my mind doesn't mean sunshine and roses either. Someone can be in an abusive relationship which isolates them from friends, family and seeing that a whole other reality is possible outside of the bubble of that situation. A bubble in my mind simply means isolation, insulation and compartmentalization...as well as building on sinking sand.

 

Fantasy is constructing dreams, plans and wishes around a situation not conducive to that, often with no real actions behind the plans and wishes, ignoring red flags and believing what you want and it proves itself to be such when it all comes crashing down because "real" life calls. This again isn't only about affairs. Going on vacation is a real experience...however, sipping pina coladas on the beach, having people wait on me hand and foot, massages everyday, etc are not my "real life". When I am on vacation, my cell is away, my work is away, and I am removed from the daily humdrum of my regular life. Clearly the vacation and my feelings of bliss in it are real; however, that is but one small part of my life. A break from my normal schedule. And yes some affair partners may share more of a "real life" like LFH and her MM...but many many many more don't. It is not always happy and flitting around (not sure why that is even a connotation, cause that isn't what I think lol), the point isn't the bliss, the point is that most As, for one or both parties, is removed from some concept of an everyday, open life. And promises, your story reads like most of the other As where it was indeed a break from the regularly scheduled program.

 

Has anyone had a summer fling? I have. There is something about being on vacation that makes you less inhibited, more adventurous and seemingly more prone to give yourself over to feelings lol. Perhaps it is because it is away from your regular life? I was deeply inlove for 3 months of summer. I cried with him, we talked about everything, shared a lot. Then he went back to his country and I went off to college. It wasn't fake..but it was a temporary vacation love affair and neither of us were going to be in each other's lives permanently. Although with tears in our eyes we promised to keep in touch and we would love each other forever. I will always have love for him and remember him fondly...but we both moved on. We shared something real...but a lot was fantasy and removed from the reality of how it would in fact work. And it was okay.

Edited March 1, 2013 by MissBee

[Fallen Petals]

The "bubble" term always kinda got me too. I understand the need to label and explain that time in our lives - we want to minimize the pain we caused or felt, we want to minimize the feelings we had for our AP or that the WS had for the AP...but the reality is that it's a relationship just like any other with the added caveat that it's wreaking havoc on entire families in the process. Every relationship is it's own "bubble" if you really look at it. The decisions we make and feelings we feel are contained in the "bubble" of that specific relationship...outside of an A it's called rose colored glasses. The difference is that with an A the relationship is stunted in its normal progression, which causes us to stay in certain phases longer than others, or make decisions or take actions we otherwise would not. I know plenty of people who behave very differently depending on who they're dating or married to and that behavior changes when their lover does. When they're between lovers they become themselves, but when they're with someone, they adapt in ways to that person - or both persons adapt to one another. With an A there is the confusion of trying to remain adapted to the BS while also adapting to the AP...which is where things generally get dicey.

 

I don't know if any of that makes sense...I guess I'm generally saying the feelings are real, though later will almost always be discounted as "perceived but not real", or downplayed from the start even...and eventually as a method of self preservation this lie becomes the truth. But we do this in conventional relationships also...it all depends on how the relationship ends as to how we rationalize it later on. And since most A's have very negative endings, the rationalizations will be directed as such.

[Pierre]

I have a hard time with the phrase, "Affair Bubble".

 

The feelings, emotions, and real life of the A didn't feel like a bubble to me at all. In fact it felt more like a sledge hammer raining down on my World and heart for the better part of the experience.

 

I feel like BS/WS use the term "Bubble" to make the A seem more like a 'fantasy' or distraction from the reality that the WS did what they did and actually had feelings for another human being in a loving way.

 

As much as it is completely disarming to be cheated on (which I have), I never thought of my ex boyfriend being in a bubble when he cheated. I thought he was not invested in me anymore and too much of an arrogant prick to break it off with someone he loved before he did it.

 

This didn't make the cheating any less real. It was very real, but certainly not a fantasy or bubble.

 

People can have feelings for other people. Period.

 

Are affairs sh*tty and wrong. Yes. Are they bubbles. No.

 

 

 

I called it the affair bubble. But, it doers not matter what name one uses. The sensations are 100% real and when the married OP says ILY, he or she is not lying.

 

I believe the married OM or OW are in love. If the affair is between a single OW/OM and a married OP only the married person is in the bubble. For the single OW or OM there is no bubble. For you this relationship was everything. You did not have a need to live in compartments.

 

There is no fantasy here and with rMare exceptions the married OP is not lying. They truly feel LOVE. The affair LOVE is as good as love in the open. In fact, many times affair love is much more intense due to the hurdles.

 

The problem with affair love is that sometimes it breaks apart with d-days. That does not mean the LOVE was not genuine. It simply means the LOVE cannot survive when the married OW or OM want to stay in the marriage.

 

IN summary, you were not in the bubble. However the MM was in a a bubble.

[Pierre]

The "bubble" term always kinda got me too. I understand the need to label and explain that time in our lives - we want to minimize the pain we caused or felt, we want to minimize the feelings we had for our AP or that the WS had for the AP...but the reality is that it's a relationship just like any other with the added caveat that it's wreaking havoc on entire families in the process. Every relationship is it's own "bubble" if you really look at it. The decisions we make and feelings we feel are contained in the "bubble" of that specific relationship...outside of an A it's called rose colored glasses. The difference is that with an A the relationship is stunted in its normal progression, which causes us to stay in certain phases longer than others, or make decisions or take actions we otherwise would not. I know plenty of people who behave very differently depending on who they're dating or married to and that behavior changes when their lover does. When they're between lovers they become themselves, but when they're with someone, they adapt in ways to that person - or both persons adapt to one another. With an A there is the confusion of trying to remain adapted to the BS while also adapting to the AP...which is where things generally get dicey.

 

I don't know if any of that makes sense...I guess I'm generally saying the feelings are real, though later will almost always be discounted as "perceived but not real", or downplayed from the start even...and eventually as a method of self preservation this lie becomes the truth. But we do this in conventional relationships also...it all depends on how the relationship ends as to how we rationalize it later on. And since most A's have very negative endings, the rationalizations will be directed as such.

 

You were not in a bubble. That is why it does not make sense.

[Fallen Petals]

You were not in a bubble. That is why it does not make sense.

 

How was my situation any different? If I wasn't in the same bubble as others then what was it??

[Pierre]

Let me say this again. The single OW is not in a bubble and therefore, she would not understand the term. For the single OW the relationship with MM is the main dish.

[Fallen Petals]

Let me say this again. The single OW is not in a bubble and therefore, she would not understand the term. For the single OW the relationship with MM is the main dish.

 

yeah I just read that, was actually about to say "nevermind" but you're too fast.

[Pierre]

How was my situation any different? If I wasn't in the same bubble as others then what was it??

 

Only the married cheating man lives in the bubble. For you the relationship has no bubble.

[Pierre]

yeah I just read that, was actually about to say "nevermind" but you're too fast.

 

Calling a man fast is an insult, but I will let it go.:laugh:

[stevie_23]

But what IS real? Is a "real" relationship required to be defined by the various mundane domestic tasks of paying bills and taking the dog to the vet?

 

Also, what if the affair partners (both married and thus potentially in the bubble) WANT that "boring" domestic stuff with each other but outside circumstances make it impossible? What if they try to be as "normal" as possible when they're together, within those circumstances?

 

Is it the surrounding situation and circumstances many affairs are constructed within that make them the bubble, as opposed to the feelings themselves?