The "Bubble" World of the A

[Pierre]

But what IS real? Is a "real" relationship required to be defined by the various mundane domestic tasks of paying bills and taking the dog to the vet?

 

Also, what if the affair partners (both married and thus potentially in the bubble) WANT that "boring" domestic stuff with each other but outside circumstances make it impossible? What if they try to be as "normal" as possible when they're together, within those circumstances?

 

Is it the surrounding situation and circumstances many affairs are constructed within that make them the bubble, as opposed to the feelings themselves?

 

The married person in the relationship has to live in two different compartments. So he or she ends up creating a bubble. The bubble circumstances vary, but it is a bubble.

[waterwoman]

Don't use the word then. Compartment is the same. H had his affair in one and the rest of his life in the other. And the affair compartment was meant to be hermetically sealed from everything else. He was always uncomfortable when she and I got together in case the seal broke. Ironically he tells me that he had this daydream that he could tell me all about her - we'd never had secrets before.

[Tenacity]

I find it ironic that you can say that affairs are "sh**ty and wrong", but you're offended by the term "affair bubble".

 

Why is it so important for you, that you need to say the feelings were real and it was real, if affairs are "sh*tty and wrong"?

 

I really don't get what your point is.

 

I have to comment on this too, Furious. I am not 'offended' by it per se, but I am just sick of the terminology used by a member here.

 

"Affair bubble" and "external validation" and "low self-esteem". I wish I had a dime for every time I have read that in this person's posts.

 

It is armchair psychology from someone not qualified to give such, and it is frustrating because the terms he invented carry through to other people here.

 

I am very anti-affair, so this is not taking sides. It is just frustration with blanket terminology and armchair psychology from those not qualified. Never mind to point out that those who ARE qualified would know that individual situations matter and no one on the internet can possibly diagnose such, even a trained expert.

[Tenacity]

"I believe"...

 

And that is the fact. What you state in your posts here is your "belief" and your opinion, despite that the rest of this post seems to state fact.

 

Even if I missed something and you are a psychiatrist specializing in affairs, you can't "know" the things you claim as fact on this forum. They are not "fact"; it's just you saying things YOU believe. People deserve to know what is what. Please stop misleading people, because you know nothing more than any of the rest of us.

[stevie_23]

I actually do believe in the affair bubble phenomena (as defined by Pierre PhD, lol), but my own specific circumstances were probably the MOST conducive to being in any sort of "bubble" - long distance, never met in person, online / text contact only, BOTH of us with other people at the same time, both of us having to compartmentalise and create a sort of...if not a separate LIFE for us, but a separate compartment or "haven" so to speak, for us to be together. Nobody else could be around when we were together really. So...our CONTACT existed in a vacuum, or bubble. Our LOVE existed independent of that bubble though, as we took it with us in our overall lives, but then again, because the A was of course a secret to EVERYONE around us, it was also sort of a bubble in terms of our external lives.

 

But I sort of feel that most affairs are not really that much in a bubble, per se. The feelings are real and exist outside any "bubble". The bubble is more about when and how you're able to BE with that AP, not how you feel about them.

[LFH]

No, I mean the day to day life of a normal person.

 

Mortgages, family, bills, emergencies, illnesses, taking the kids to practice, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

 

When my husband went to his OW's house, she was able to be and look perfect for him at all times. THAT is not real. I am willing to acknowledge that the feelings they had at that time were real, but the rest? No.

 

He escaped from the real world.

 

Why isn't that real? Because doing so doesn't fit into YOUR definition of reality, it's not real?

FWIW, I do the majority of the things you just listed every day in my "real world" too.. and he's seen me a mess many times.

 

I'm so tired of it being discounted that we have LIVES.

We're people too... and saying we don't have all or at least many of these things and can be and look perfect for them with no effort is ludicious and offensive. If we do take the time to look a certain way or do something special it's because we find value in making that effort not because we have nothing else to do.

 

Just because it doesn't match your life, or because it doesn't have the exact same building blocks doesn't mean you get to discount our lives as non-reality.

 

Talk about offensive.

 

 

 

 

But what IS real? Is a "real" relationship required to be defined by the various mundane domestic tasks of paying bills and taking the dog to the vet?

 

?

 

Exactly Stevie. See I'm not the only one that sees a flaw.

[ComingInHot]

I was thinking about how equally separate & intertwined A's are and it reminded me of some daily things where I Do compartmentalize. I mean they are little things and at work and home (sometimes) but I do it none the less.

 

It helps me get things accomplished.

 

No real point here I guess. Just thinking about it*

[MissBee]

I called it the affair bubble. But, it doers not matter what name one uses. The sensations are 100% real and when the married OP says ILY, he or she is not lying.

I believe the married OM or OW are in love. If the affair is between a single OW/OM and a married OP only the married person is in the bubble. For the single OW or OM there is no bubble. For you this relationship was everything. You did not have a need to live in compartments.

 

There is no fantasy here and with rMare exceptions the married OP is not lying. They truly feel LOVE. The affair LOVE is as good as love in the open. In fact, many times affair love is much more intense due to the hurdles.

The problem with affair love is that sometimes it breaks apart with d-days. That does not mean the LOVE was not genuine. It simply means the LOVE cannot survive when the married OW or OM want to stay in the marriage.

 

IN summary, you were not in the bubble. However the MM was in a a bubble.

 

This is an interesting thing to think about.

[jwi71]

I called it the affair bubble. But, it doers not matter what name one uses. The sensations are 100% real and when the married OP says ILY, he or she is not lying.

 

I am not so certain the feelings ARE real.

The sensation is real but the emotion is not.

How can one truly love another and treat them such a way? To excuse such with "Well, its an A" or "its in the A bubble". The emotion itself, love, does not know or care of such human constructs such as M or an A. But the humans sure do. And, when painted with the adjective of an M or A or GF or whatever - suddenly the emotion CAN have bounds - suddenly behaviors not accepted in one type of R ARE accepted in another. What "normal" R finds all the A trappings as normal? A BF need not secret a hidden phone to dial his GF from the toilet. But that's ok in an A?

 

Because its an A bubble. Not sure our WS is truly feeling love. We get -foggy thinking(yeah, I said it )

 

I say this as I would NEVER treat someone I loved as people do when intertwined in an A. That is something I cannot fathom.

 

I believe the married OM or OW are in love. If the affair is between a single OW/OM and a married OP only the married person is in the bubble. For the single OW or OM there is no bubble. For you this relationship was everything. You did not have a need to live in compartments.

 

I do agree the WS compartmentalizes (aka bubble).

But I have some serious concerns on the love part.

I think we have some foggy thinking - an emotion perhaps felt towards one (I would suspect loyalty to the M) vs the "youthful exuberance" towards the EMA)

 

Again...Its hard to say ILY and then turn around and treat them both as they do.

Ultimately, or perhaps stereo-typically, we read of how the WS loves both. Well...dunno...because ultimately the WS MUST hurt one. Knows this. Goes into anyway. One lady, using MM as an example for ease of use, will be hurt. The WS knows it - continues anyway. How is that love for either?

 

There is no fantasy here and with rMare exceptions the married OP is not lying. They truly feel LOVE. The affair LOVE is as good as love in the open. In fact, many times affair love is much more intense due to the hurdles.

 

I am more inclined to think its the illusion of love. Or feelings very similar to love but not really love. Been there myself - I'm sure others have thought it was love then realized, for some reason, it was not.

 

The problem with affair love is that sometimes it breaks apart with d-days. That does not mean the LOVE was not genuine. It simply means the LOVE cannot survive when the married OW or OM want to stay in the marriage

.

 

Well...I think what we have is asynchronous feelings. The WS feels like love towards the AP whereas the AP may feel true love for the WS. So the WS pulls this "disappearing act" on d-day and we here can read the AP's PoV - of why and the hurt and the pain and the loss - the loss of a truly felt love.

 

The WS I'm not convinced loves either. At least not in the A.

If one truly wishes to know WHO (and I hate saying it like such, its not likely the truth) the WS loves - create D-day. Force the choice.

 

Please note that this post is more academic than specific in nature - Im not addressing anyone per se. Applied to individual scenarios Im sure it would not always apply - of course, no "rule" ever does.

[JamesM]

No, I mean the day to day life of a normal person.

 

Mortgages, family, bills, emergencies, illnesses, taking the kids to practice, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

 

When my husband went to his OW's house, she was able to be and look perfect for him at all times. THAT is not real. I am willing to acknowledge that the feelings they had at that time were real, but the rest? No.

 

He escaped from the real world.

 

The bolded part is the best definition IMO of the "bubble."

 

The love is real in the same sense that the love for any new couple is real. The emotions are real that are felt for each other. The physical feelings are real.

 

It is simply that the affair couple escapes to a different world. A fantasy? Perhaps in some sense of the word because (usually not always) they avoid facing the reality of the relationship.

 

Pierre and I will disagree on this: I believe that the single AP can also live in that "bubble" because he or she may not face the reality of this relationship being impossible for the long term if nothing changes in the MP's situation.

 

It is reality for those who live it, but being that the relationship cannot continue honestly and openly in the world, then they are forced to live in a "bubble" world. It must remain a fantasy even if the feelings are real.

 

The escape world feeds the desire for excitement and thrills. It covers and "medicates" the MP's disappointing situation in the real world.

 

I don't think the use of the term invalidates the relationship or the feelings. I do think that it describes the life both must lead to keep the relationship alive in secret while living their daily lives.

[JamesM]

In many A's, as I have read about here and have known of IRL, the two people involved don't really know each other fully. They know each other only in that realm of the A bubble. Only after D day and the A either ends or the M ends and the A turns into a full R can people begin to REALLY know one another. IMHO.

 

In some sense this is correct, but this is also true of any relationship prior to either marriage or cohabitation.

 

Only by living together can we really know each other.

 

But I don't think that affair couples don't truly understand each other. They do as much as any couple can when they don't live with each other.

[cocorico]

But in a VERY confined space. One certain people are never allowed access to, and one in which one person is often relegated to exclusively.

 

By this token, the BW was in the "bubble", and I was in his "real life". Perhaps those that talk of an A bubble should then allow for the parallel existence of an M bubble.

[cocorico]

The married person in the relationship has to live in two different compartments. So he or she ends up creating a bubble. The bubble circumstances vary, but it is a bubble.

 

Sometimes the M is the bubble and the A is "real life".

[cocorico]

In many A's, as I have read about here and have known of IRL, the two people involved don't really know each other fully. They know each other only in that realm of the A bubble. Only after D day and the A either ends or the M ends and the A turns into a full R can people begin to REALLY know one another. IMHO.

 

I think this is equally true of the "M bubble".

[cocorico]

In some sense this is correct, but this is also true of any relationship prior to either marriage or cohabitation.

 

Only by living together can we really know each other.

 

But I don't think that affair couples don't truly understand each other. They do as much as any couple can when they don't live with each other.

 

I don't agree with this.

 

My H and I got to know each other really well during the A, and there were no surprises when we did move in together. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it was because it *was* an A that we got to know each other so well... Because after decades of not sharing his innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, and his "dark side" with anyone, he was over-hungry to share, and we talked ourselves to death in a way I have never known people in non-A Rs to talk. It was instant Access All Areas. And it remained so over the years. So when we moved in together, there was nothing to uncover. No surprises, except the pleasant surprise that it was at least as good as we'd hoped it would be.

 

And nor do I believe living together automatically creates that "understanding". After 30 years together, my H and his xW were still largely strangers to each other, as evidenced in the acrimonious emails they exchanged during the split. But then, if the only words you ever exchange are about logistics (you need to pick up the kids after music today; don't forget to renew the insurance; the boiler is broken) how can you possibly know someone?

[carhill]

As people are all individuals, with their own unique life experiences and psychology, I can see how some could experience affairs as a 'bubble', meaning an experience which is separate and discreet from everyday living. A kind of 'what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas' type mentality. It happens. Some people compartmentalize these actions/experiences psychologically, and engage in them in a manner separate from everyday life. 'Same Time, Next Year', an old movie I first saw as a young man, chronicled one such potential 'bubble'.

 

Personally, I've yet to experience such a dynamic, though I have heard stories from friends and MW's, so know they exist, at least in the minds of those people. My version was lived as everyday life, out in the open, take it as it comes. Our M ended and life away from that dynamic as well as the affair dynamic have proven to be far healthier in the long run. For others, their experiences and perspectives may differ. The only bubbles I get is blowing soap through that round thing when playing with friend's grandkids.

[Yellowteacup]

I don't necessarily think I'm living in a bubble but as a spy.

[cocorico]

I don't necessarily think I'm living in a bubble but as a spy.

 

I'm more the assassin type.

[Pierre]

There is an affair bubble as long as the married person (MOM or MOW) needs to keep the affair a secret.

 

If there is a plan to stay married they have to crete a bubble.

 

For the single OM or OW there is no bubble. For them the relationship is everything. OTOH, the married person needs to periodically step outside the bubble to deal with his marriage.

 

The bubble is also the love addicts paradise. Once, in the bubble the ILYs flow effortlessly as well as the grand plans for the future. Hyperbole is freely accepted on both sides.

 

The love sensations in the affair are real and this remains a major source of confusion for some scorned OWs and OMs after d-day. It is real love, but even real love needs to jive with the circumstances outside the bubble.

 

Further proof that the love symptoms are real is the typical sniffing around for contact after the dust starts to settle after d-day. The married cheating person is hurting because they were in love while having the affair.

 

The love pulls the cheating married person, but there is a struggle with the marriage and the wife. It must be hell to be pulled in two opposite directions by conflicting feelings that are not the same category.

 

Without the barrier of isolation provided by the bubble there is stress and instability . The married person seems conflicted and the promises of leaving the marriage now become quite clumsy .

 

Lastly, not everybody is capable of entering the affair bubble. To enter the affair bubble the participants must punch the ticket in the areas of low self esteem and the need for external validation. Paradoxically the wayward spouse and single OW or OM have the same needs.

[Pierre]

Sometimes the M is the bubble and the A is "real life".

 

Coco, you were in an exit affair and in this instance there was no need for a bubble. It is basically the end of a relationship and the beginning of another relationship. No need for bubbles here.

 

As for your statement. Obviously when two people are within the affair bubble the marriage is in another dimension or compartment, I agree. A good cheating MM creates two compartments: The affair compartment and the marriage compartment.

 

If you read Einstein's work on special relativity you will get the point.

[JamesM]

Sometimes the M is the bubble and the A is "real life".

 

Possibly. The difference IMO between a bubble and real life is the openness and honesty of each.

 

The bubble life is usually (I would dare say always) the secret life. Certain aspects of it will always be a fantasy because of the secrecy.

[LFH]

Possibly. The difference IMO between a bubble and real life is the openness and honesty of each.

 

The bubble life is usually (I would dare say always) the secret life. Certain aspects of it will always be a fantasy because of the secrecy.

 

Normally James, I agree with a lot of what you say, I think you're way off base on this topic though.

I think "in theory" I can see what you are saying, but I've found very little evidence of it either in my relationship, in the relationships of friends nor from what I've read here.

There are the occasional stories that do appear to live out in a world of their own, but they seem to be the exception.

I think that if you are going to say that, then you're right... the marriage has to be placed in a bubble too, as well as all other relationships.

In a relationship like mine, where I know many of his friends, we interact with all of them, he knows everyone in my life, we have friends together this doesn't factor at all. It's just a flawed concept. Living together doesn't necessarily change things. I think that my experience would be similiar to Coco's in terms of how we know one another.

We communicate everything. We tell each other everything we can think of, we share so much it would make people roll their eyes, but a lot of that comes from not trying to impress one another.

The thing about this for us was... because it was never supposed to be anything between us there was no attempt to "court" one another. It was kind of like, ok, this is who I am, flaws and all... we were so busy trying to make one another fall in love it made it really easy to see that we really LIKED who we were.. flaws and all.

[sweet_pea]

Normally James, I agree with a lot of what you say, I think you're way off base on this topic though.

I think "in theory" I can see what you are saying, but I've found very little evidence of it either in my relationship, in the relationships of friends nor from what I've read here.

There are the occasional stories that do appear to live out in a world of their own, but they seem to be the exception.

I think that if you are going to say that, then you're right... the marriage has to be placed in a bubble too, as well as all other relationships.

In a relationship like mine, where I know many of his friends, we interact with all of them, he knows everyone in my life, we have friends together this doesn't factor at all. It's just a flawed concept. Living together doesn't necessarily change things. I think that my experience would be similiar to Coco's in terms of how we know one another.

We communicate everything. We tell each other everything we can think of, we share so much it would make people roll their eyes, but a lot of that comes from not trying to impress one another.

The thing about this for us was... because it was never supposed to be anything between us there was no attempt to "court" one another. It was kind of like, ok, this is who I am, flaws and all... we were so busy trying to make one another fall in love it made it really easy to see that we really LIKED who we were.. flaws and all.

 

Do you two interact with his friends as a couple? Do you they know that you are romantically involved with each other? Because you are 'single' wouldn't you agree that your relationship is very real, whereas since he is married, his relationship with you may in fact be a bubble? If his wife doesn't know of your relationship, if his children don't know of your relationship, if his family, etc. don't know, how is it not a bubble?

[LFH]

Do you two interact with his friends as a couple? Do you they know that you are romantically involved with each other? Because you are 'single' wouldn't you agree that your relationship is very real, whereas since he is married, his relationship with you may in fact be a bubble? If his wife doesn't know of your relationship, if his children don't know of your relationship, if his family, etc. don't know, how is it not a bubble?

 

No, I don't agree with the bubble concept on either side as I've said several times in my responses to this thread. Yes, we do interact with his friends as a couple. I've said many times, I don't lie or hide him.

[JamesM]

Normally James, I agree with a lot of what you say, I think you're way off base on this topic though.

I think "in theory" I can see what you are saying, but I've found very little evidence of it either in my relationship, in the relationships of friends nor from what I've read here.

 

You may disagree with me.

 

I don't think I am way off base though.

 

But I do agree that you may be an exception based on what you say.

 

When I read many stories here, I see how the person posting does have a less than real picture of the relationship as it pertains to the reality of the MM's life. I see the MM sneaking off (escaping) to see his AP and leaving the "real" world of responsibilities behind. I see him avoiding his marriage and the problems. I don't read of him confronting the problems in his life but rather escaping and avoiding them by visiting his OW.

 

He has a distorted view of what this relationship is in comparison to his "normal" life of marriage, family and job.

 

Instead of either fixing his marriage or leaving it, he uses the affair as an escape mechanism to avoid having to lose his family and the respect of his children.

 

While this may not apply to your situation, I see it too often when I read the stories that are posted here on LS.

 

As always, I certainly don't put myself above those MM who use an affair for escaping. Personally, it seems very attractive to me at times. And if the OW is someone that shows him more attention and gives what he craves, then why wouldn't he? While it only delays the almost inevitable confrontation in his marriage, it is an elixir to his current turmoil.

 

Unfortunately, too often the AP experiences pain when the MM realizes that his "love" for her was not the kind of love he still has for his spouse. Or he decides that the affair world does not benefit him as much as he thought when he is forced with losing his real world of family and possibly his career.

 

From what I read, few affairs can withstand the reality of existing outside of the "bubble."

 

I respect your difference of opinion with me, but honestly, I still think that most affairs bring excitement and thrill to a either mundane or very troubled life. When I think of the affair being in a bubble, then I think it pertains to the idea that affairs exist outside of the normal daily life of the WS, who must still live his life or responsibilities without the AP.